What is Polyamory?

[avid]

Just jumping in here to say that we are a married couple, currently in a polyamorous relationship with a man who lives about 4.5 hours away. He generally splits his time with us here, and with his common-law wife, there.

We've had some bumpy times, but we're generally working well.

As with anything, the key is communication. That, and having everyone on the same page in terms of relationship expectations.

We've been in this relationship for 10 months now.

[JustAskJulie]

Interesting situation, so is his "common law wife" open to polyamory as well? It always interests me the myriad of ways that various relationships work.

[avid]

She can identify more as a swinger, but she's generally on the same page.

I agree that poly means different things to different people.

She's not my favourite person in the world, for a number of reasons, but we do get along well enough. She's spent some time here, and we've spent some time there, along with our kids.

There are so many books and other "instruction manuals" on how to have monogamous relationships, but we're kinda on our own with this one!

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by TNT

Having this type of life with each other, to us it would seem like our sides of the triangle would always have an extra type of strength/bond/whatever more so than we would have with the third's side of the triangle. Which really wouldn't seem fair to the third...but, we feel it is something that we probably would not be able to control. However, when you apply the "child/love analogy" to it...it seems to become a non-issue.

Right. This is what happened with us when we incorporated the third one. It was obvious that we two had a relationship that will be stronger than any other relationship we may add. Also, this was clear for our girlfriend, who wanted to respect, emprance and treasure what we already had. However we felt it was unfair for her... while she didn't feel it the same way.

At last, the child/love analogy fits perfectly here. IMO, the question here would be if you get rid of this analogy with the purpose of adding someone to your current relationship, or if you already accepted or was aware of this analogy previous to your current relationship.

As for us, we never asked each other for the reasurance of being "the one he/she love the most". We knew that each one of us already loved people before we meet. Moreover, that we had previous relationships that ended because of personal incompatibilities, and not because the love vanished, so my wife would keep loving those exs, I'd love mines, even when we know those relationships wouldn't have a chance to evolve, that they're in the past. We love our friends, our relatives... and what made the bond in our relationship wasn't JUST our love towards each other, but the building we made up brick by brick, with loyalty, honesty, commitment and trust, something that, ultimatelly, feeded the love we have... and this love is another love, different than every one of the other loves we have. So we feel the question "who do you love the most" doesn't fit, it's meaningless, and even more... it is tricky, a request for reasurance. And even when it may be a valid one, we managed, somehow, to find out the reasurance in the every day acts we have towards each other.

You'd know, from your own experience, from that strenght your relationship already have, that the words hardly would overcome the acts that made the relationship be what it is today. At least to me, people is what they DO, way more than what they say or claim they are or not. You may have friends and you may feel deeply loved by those friends, even when no one of them ever tells you "I love you"... because the shared experiences, what they did for you at some point, made it clear, and you know it and you may feel it isn't need to ask them for those words.

So, I guess if you already had this perspective when thinking about the love in a relationship, including the one you have with your spouse, then it'd be felt "natural" to include a third one and love him/her as well. And the point is, it doesn't matter "who do you love the most", or which relationship is stronger, as long as no one of you use this strength difference as a "power tool" to shape the new relationship or to take advantege.

[sereneiders]

Now, back to the original question.

I feel most of the answers so far are "hard" definitions of polyamory. I' am fine with those definitions, but I feel they doesn't fit the overlapping Julie mentioned. In any case, those hard definitions, again, leave many of us without a place: if we're up to develop feelings with playmates, we're departing from the swinging paradigm, and yet we're not reaching the polyamory paradigm, at lest the one from these "hard" definitions.

Perhaps we still don't have a word for something in between, so I'd try my definition for something so far I associated with polyamory, even when so far, the previous posters would discuss it. And perhaps what fits here is the term "poly-friendly".

We don't pursuit to develop new relationships, nor to attach someone else into our current relationship (and even if we wanted to, Teresa's observation would fit, the attachment would be, ultimately... an attachment, even against our will should we want this to change). We're open to let the feelings develop (against the swingers mantra about feelings), as much a we let our sexuality develop with other people.

We don't require any commitment. I guess, the commitment comes along with the feelings as they grow: you love someone, you start taking care of the relationship and make yourself responsible for your share, and some day you start talking of this explicitly, as a commitment. However, for this to happen, the feelings shoud have to grow enough, and we wouldn't request the third one's feelings to grow to that point. If it does, then, welcome, but it isn't mandatory nor a condition for us to express our feelings.

We don't purstuit any form of "poly-monogamy" or exclusivity either, not even in the name of the hygiene or safety. We're swingers, we're not asking this to each other, less we would ask this to anyone else. The third one have the right to pick his/her sexual partners, even more, to pick another relationship, another love to feed.

Now, I don't see this that complex to understand. We have sex with others, following certain rules to preserve our relationship, and we're open to do the same about our feelings, to develop them with others following certain rules to preserve our/the relationships involved. We don't want to marry them, we don't ask for more commitment than the one having to do with the preservation rules, we don't seek for those feelings to grow to certain threshold, but to accept what others have to offer and share, and share what we have to offer and share... and we want whatever born this way to grow and develop as far as it can go... which theoreticaly may reach the "harder" definition, or not.

What's the name for this?

[KittKatt]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

So what is polyamory?

Loving More is what it is

it's not for everyone, but for us it's the ability and desire to love others as we do one another. not just any joe blow off the street lol, but sometimes you can tell when that "connection" is there. and it's just so overwhelming to be so free to trust and to love so deeply and freely.

and when i say "as we do one another" that's in meaning that wholeheartedly, without rules or restrictions, real true love.....and the close friendships between the others as in his woman and me, or my guy and him is so fulfilling to see and be a part of.

really as its hard to find the "words" to describe our love for each other, it's also hard to describe this.

xoxox Carla

[JTcamp05]

I've been reading this and thinking..........

We would prefer to be with people we respect, enjoy and have feelings for.....Does that make us Poly?



For most woman isnt having an emotional connection important to them to "enjoy" things. Is this lable intended to seperate groups of swingers, or is it a different kinda of swinging, or not swinging at all.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by JTcamp05

I've been reading this and thinking..........

We would prefer to be with people we respect, enjoy and have feelings for.....Does that make us Poly?



For most woman isnt having an emotional connection important to them to "enjoy" things. Is this lable intended to seperate groups of swingers, or is it a different kinda of swinging, or not swinging at all.

Today we gave name to a lot of things having to do with our sexuality, allowing us to better express our desires. This expression could be used to separate groups of people (swingers/non swingers, SM/non SM, hetero/bi/homo, etc.), but this doesn't mean it was "intended" to do so.

Discriminating, telling appart ones from others, is something we simply do, it's the grounding for our toughts. There's anything wrong about this, unless being used by one group to take adventage of another one. And this isn't the purpose.

You may feel all of this has to do with "empty" labels, however I feel (and I believe others do as well) the lack of "labels" lead us to confussion, moreover about other people's intentions.

For example, one of the things the forum members use to take care of is to ensure the label "swingers" is properly defined for our activities: we don't accept it being taken for a way of cheating, we point out we engage only with other swingers and by no means we would try to "convert" vanilla people, and we do this because a big part of our society have a confussed missconception about this, one made mainly by their own fears and fantasies.

In the discussions leading to this new board area, you may see the same happens between swingers when talking about poly. There's a confussed missconception, for example, that a poly-friendly swinger couple would push a non poly-friendly swinger couple to fall in love with them. In one of them, I was told I tried to do this just because I told I was arguing with a non-poly swinger couple friend of us (we use to hang out togheter and, of course, have sex from time to time) about the subject.

Not only some members of the Board, but also swingers I know in person, gave me the impression that anything related with feelings, even as part of a theoretical discussion, is ill seen for them, and they strongly believe this is or should be ill seen inside the swinging community, and then this happens, I notice they're talking about their own fears, porjecting them as part of "our" intentions.

And yes, I just said "them" and "us", making two groups of people. I don't want to be blended with "them", I want people to know where I am standing, both about swinging and about polyamory, that I understand the difference and the limits, the same way most swingers understand the vanilla's limits.