Swinging vs. Polyamory

[TwoLittleBirds]

Hello, this is the wife half of Two Little Birds. My husband is mostly interested in swinging. Either with a couple or having a threesome, etc...

I'd like eventually to consider an open relationship...one in which I could have a lover but he isn't necessarily there.

Do others hear have experience with that? And if either way, what is your opinion on that.

[Melesse]

Actually, that's the situation my wife and I are in. We have a regular third, and we had the talk tonight about swinging vs. polyamory, and have decided we both think we would prefer polyamory, although we're going to dabble in swinging, and we want a fourth...

I think Polyamory is an ideal situation for us. It provides couples with more and different things than a pair, especially if one partner needs more sex than the other. Both of us are extremely sexual, just in different ways and this satisfies us both.

Melesse

[janaandjames]

polymory is very interesting to us as well ... we have gradually come to prefer mfm threesomes .. and have found a regular we like a lot, so .. we wonder why bother with looking for new playmate when this one works just fine
i dont play alone with him real often, maybe once a month, with hubby's approval of course... but sometimes he comes over and we have time alone in the bedroom without hubby ...
works for us

[Concupiscence]

I am a big Robert Heinlein fan which means that polyamory is a subject that holds a great deal of fascination for me. I love his idea that sex is a beautiful wonderful thing that should be shared and enjoyed but that it should never be exclusionary. He advocated "group" marriages in his science fiction which involved any number of people who "opted in" and were either accepted or rejected by the other members of the group. Their were lots of other details and no formally or institutionally recognized forms of marriage, it was merely a matter of people who wanted to be legally responsible for each other and any children who came about as a result. The spiritual and emotional aspects were left up to the individuals in the group to determine and not that of the state.

[TwoLittleBirds]

This is Mr. Little Bird. I'd like to put my thoughts down. Swinging and threesomes are a fun thing to do AS A COUPLE. Having a lover somewhere is a different story. Especially when one tends to quickly equate sex with love. In the first stages of a romance, which is what this idea sounds like, not only is it more passionate, but there's that constant thinking about the lover, where you keep wanting to call them on the phone, and can talk for hours. That's not a fun thing to share as a couple: That's having a boyfriend.

Also, the grass often looks greener on the other side. When at one's lovers house, the problems back home look escapable; don't work on them, just stay with the lover.

Watching my wife go down on somebody could be hot. Knowing someone is giving her an orgasm? Great. Imagining my wife holding hands with someone as they stroll along the beach ... I don't like that idea. That would hurt my heart.

The little boy bird

[swing52001]

I'm with you Mr. LittleBird. My wife went out with a friend one night and finding out that they held hands whilst walking down the street really pissed me off. I was jealous as all get out. If they had spent the evening screwing their brains out I wouldn't have been as concerned. Must be that I consider holding hands to be romantic....something that is reserved for my wife and I, where fucking each other's brains out is just sex....

[LetsParty]

Great comments!

My wife plays alone sometimes, but what she does is set out VERY specific guidelines at the outset of every encounter.

This is SEX ONLY! You are a PENIS to me.
NOTHING comes between me and my husband.
ANYONE that wants me to lie to my husband is OUT!
If you don't respect me, it's over.

Or something like that...

So, she has a few guys that she sees every now and again... but really... They are nothing more than sex toys! (Unless she's lying to me!! No, I don't think so!)

Is this polyamory? Isn't polyamory when you love the others? If she has a few sex toys on the side, I don't think that's a polyamory lifestyle, is it?

[NakedInSeattle]

Well...I've tried polyamory and I'm now into swinging. Believe me! Swinging wins hands down. No that's not right. Swinging wins pants down! Swinging with all its varieties and subtleties is far better than polyamory. Polyamory is exclusive just opened up a bit. Polyamory has all the jealousies and promises and such as does the vanilla relationships. Just with one or more partners added. Give me a good swinging partner any day. Shit! That's what I've got. Thank you very much.

[jcbicouple]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

Hello, this is the wife half of Two Little Birds. My husband is mostly interested in swinging. Either with a couple or having a threesome, etc...

I'd like eventually to consider an open relationship...one in which I could have a lover but he isn't necessarily there.

Do others hear have experience with that? And if either way, what is your opinion on that.

In the last couple of years, we have begun playing separately on occasion. Our experiences have been extremely positive. Mrs. JC has found a fairly regular playmate that she enjoys spending time alone with very much. Mr. JC has had a couple of one time playmates. It can be a little scarey at first, but we have developed complete trust in each other. We each know that at the end of the day(or night), we are coming home to/with each other. We still enjoy threesomes and foursomes as much as we always have, but enjoy the alone time just as much. It's not for everyone, but can be a lot of fun for all. We talk in detail about all of our meetings, and have some incredible sex while telling and hearing about the play date.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by Concupiscence

I am a big Robert Heinlein fan which means that polyamory is a subject that holds a great deal of fascination for me. I love his idea that sex is a beautiful wonderful thing that should be shared and enjoyed but that it should never be exclusionary. He advocated "group" marriages in his science fiction which involved any number of people who "opted in" and were either accepted or rejected by the other members of the group. Their were lots of other details and no formally or institutionally recognized forms of marriage, it was merely a matter of people who wanted to be legally responsible for each other and any children who came about as a result. The spiritual and emotional aspects were left up to the individuals in the group to determine and not that of the state.

Seems like the larger the "group" the harder it would be to be accepted.

[TwoLittleBirds]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Seems like the larger the "group" the harder it would be to be accepted.

Right on, Double D,
It's hard enough for two couples to decide what to get on a pizza and what video to rent!


Swing52001, Well put. It's the romance and sweetness I want reserved for us. She's my sweetie.

I remember when she'd get these long phone calls from a girl she'd slept with (just the girl and my wife, no guys around) and I used to feel a little jealous. Not about the sex. About the long phone calls! Sometimes I think I'm weird, but really, I just know how I feel, and what is comfortable or uncomfortable for me. I don't think a little jealousy is unhealthy. It's a sort of selfishness, but we're talking about something I like more than anything in the world: Our relationship, with my little bird.

Mr. Little Bird

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

This is Mr. Little Bird. I'd like to put my thoughts down. Swinging and threesomes are a fun thing to do AS A COUPLE. Having a lover somewhere is a different story. Especially when one tends to quickly equate sex with love. In the first stages of a romance, which is what this idea sounds like, not only is it more passionate, but there's that constant thinking about the lover, where you keep wanting to call them on the phone, and can talk for hours. That's not a fun thing to share as a couple: That's having a boyfriend.

Also, the grass often looks greener on the other side. When at one's lovers house, the problems back home look escapable; don't work on them, just stay with the lover.

Watching my wife go down on somebody could be hot. Knowing someone is giving her an orgasm? Great. Imagining my wife holding hands with someone as they stroll along the beach ... I don't like that idea. That would hurt my heart.

The little boy bird

We, Mr. and Mrs. Tybeeswing, feel exactly the same way you do, and for the same reasons (we both read this thread). We have great fun with our playmates. We don't have any deeper emotional ties to them than any couple friends do. We like them a lot, we enjoy their company, and instead of playing Bunco or bowling, we're having sex together - the's the only difference.

Like you, we don't want to develop any of those special, loving, intense, romantic feelings with others, nor get caught up in the constant thinking about & wanting to talk to them for hours. That's for us. We are still passionately in love with each other, and we are flirting with and calling each other all day. We've often read swingers say that are bored with each other / with their sex life, and that's what brought them into this. We are definitely not bored with each other. People only have just so much time and energy to pour into deep relationships, and we'd rather pour ours into each other.

The fun with friends is what we do with our extra time, our social time. We have a blast, and love to watch each other have sex. No jealousy about it whatsoever. We enjoy MFM, FMF, and couples (mostly couples). But, if one of us developed an infatuation and/or separate relationship, it would hurt the other very deeply.

You said, "Having a lover somewhere is a different story. Especially when one tends to quickly equate sex with love." If you are describing Mrs. littlebird, you may want to ask her to examine very deeply how it would feel to her if you developed feelings like that with an outside lover? Would she wonder what you were up to every moment you were away with that woman? Would it hurt her or cause her distress or pain? Just some food for thought.

Best wishes to you both.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Like you, we don't want to develop any of those special, loving, intense, romantic feelings with others, nor get caught up in the constant thinking about & wanting to talk to them for hours. That's for us. We are still passionately in love with each other, and we are flirting with and calling each other all day. We've often read swingers say that are bored with each other / with their sex life, and that's what brought them into this. We are definitely not bored with each other.

Please don't ever think that boredom with their mate is the reason people enter into poly relationships.

Mr. WS

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Please don't ever think that boredom with their mate is the reason people enter into poly relationships.

Mr. WS

Hi Mr. WS, we're not poly and don't think that about people in poly relationships, because we haven't heard that from those we know of who are into poly.

In many swinger's profiles and various posts in different places, we've often read that their motivation to start swinging was boredom with their own sex life, and/or boredom with each other.

That makes us sad to hear.

[Concupiscence]

What I find fascinating is that the definition of swinging seems to be an issue of great importance to us. That it isn't allowed to be an all-encompassing term for any non-traditional relationship that isn't monogamous. I stress the monogamy part not the non-traditional part. I consider monogamy to be the issue in question. Regardless of how a relationship is shaped, the participants are the ones who must determine its rules and boundaries.

In the poll regarding a poly/swinger forum there is a question as to whether a woman could even want to be a member of a poly relationship. I find myself at the complete opposite of the spectrum and I am the type who avoids most social interaction. The idea of having a number of different people who I can surround myself with and depend on is comforting. the fact that I don't have to worry about the inevitable attraction that occurs towards one of the members of a friendship is a bonus. Friends shouldn't have to worry about the repercussion that sex would have on their relationship. As The Sereneiders so succinctly put it, their culture is used to having a strongly intertwined network of friends and family to rely on. Their observation on the American family is actually one based upon scientific theory and that leads to a whole bunch of other fascinating topics (if any one is interested I would be happy to point you to further info on it).

We also don't cleave to our elders the way that other cultures do and in many ways we are better for it. The point is that substituting that traditional support structure with a polyamorous relationship makes perfect sense to me. I'd like to see one family out there who doesn't have a huge amount of drama, we as humans seem to have it in our nature whether we like it or not. Besides, you have double the number of people that you get to kiss and make up with and isn't that the best part of love?

edited to break the comment up into more than one paragraph