Swinging vs. Polyamory

[KittKatt]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

Hello, this is the wife half of Two Little Birds. My husband is mostly interested in swinging. Either with a couple or having a threesome, etc...

I'd like eventually to consider an open relationship...one in which I could have a lover but he isn't necessarily there.

Do others hear have experience with that? And if either way, what is your opinion on that.

Dito flamethrow Hi Mrs. LittleBird,

Yes we have and yes we do......it all started with swinging, which is fine with the Mr, however I wanted more, we talked and agreed it would pose many benefits.

So we are now "floaters" lol, we do both, and have many posts on the subject. For one never knows when and "if" love will even happen, but we are both open to a full open relationship, without fear or jealousy.

So our oppinion, if it makes you two happy...go for it!!

good luck
xoxoxo TnC

[TwoLittleBirds]

The responses here have been very helpful. Anyone who looks at my (Mr. Little Bird) past threads will see what an emphasis I place on communication. Some things are either hard to talk about, or hard to put into words.
Mrs. Little Bird and I have read this thread, and it is helping us communicate, empathise and relate.
In this thread, "swingers" aren't helping our sex lives; they're helping our relationship, our love. Thank you all for sharing with us, and helping us have the conversation we should be having.
Your friend,
Mr. Little Bird

PS I'm glad you put your feelings down, little birdie. I love you.

[rachan]

I think our relationship is more of a poly relationship than swinging. We've been in a mfm relationship for several years with a man that I'm very fond of but I'm not in love with him. My husband isn't interested in sex with other women but he enjoys threesomes and loves seeing me sexually gratified. I'm also in a one on one relationship with a married man that I've known for more than 15 years and have been in the sexual relationship for over five years. For us at least my having the freedom of having other lovers has worked very well.

Raeann

[sereneiders]

It calls my attention the way some swingers reacts against the whole poly idea, much the same way some vanilla reacts against the whole swinging idea.

The most interesting thing about this is the arguments given against polyamory, because they're lead by fears, as happens with the arguments against swinging.

Should we pursupe polyamory, then? No, as there's no reason to say vanilla people shoud pursue swinging. Swinging ins't for everyone, a couple require a solid common ground before even thinking of it, and the same happens with polyamoral relationships.

However, we know for sure how valuable the process required to swing, or to choose not to do it, is. The whole idea of swinging force us to look at our marriages troughly, to understand a lot of things about the relationship that most vanilla couples are even unaware of their existence. Even if you choose not to swing, the reward from this process is awesome.

Well, the same happens with polyamoral relationships. I believe it worth to give it a second tought, not necesarily to actually engage in poly, but because of the way it'd make us face many other things in our relationships, because it'd be an communication excercise that, IMO, would pay off at last.

This goes beyond the "romantic" conception we have about ourselves, our spouses and our marriages. Under this very conception we rely on very few and vage words to define our marital bonds, as is by telling "I love you" were enough to resure that bond. This conception also inherited from the rest of our culture the peeging of sex to love, so, as swingers what we do is to dettach the sex aspects from the romantic conception. This require a lot of udnerstanding of our feelings and our behavior, and how to ensure our behavior wouldn't be missread, but, again, this missreading happens in the romantic conception context.

In order to consider polyamoral relationships, we'd need to challenge the whole romantic conception, to the point of finding out the "I love you" isn't what ultimatelly reasure the bond, but a common story where both spouses built, brick by brick, the relationship, and we treasure and carress that shared effort. And I believe that digging at this, understanding our bindings, worth the price... even if we never engage in polyamoral relationships.

[WesternSwing]

Thanks sereneiders, I was thinking allot along the same lines myself. It seems that many of the arguments against poly relationships (and having a poly forum) are based on the fears of the opponents, not on rational thought, much like how non-swingers view swinging. It seems to some even the mention of the word "poly" makes them recoil in fear, fear based on emotion not on having good information to base their opinion on.

I am not saying that a poly relationship is right for everyone, just like swinging isn't or bungee jumping, but that facing your feelings and fears are part of personal growth, which isn't always comfortable or it wouldn't be "growth", it'd be remaining stagnant. Introspection and personal growth is always painful, but in the end always worth it.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I am not saying that a poly relationship is right for everyone, just like swinging isn't or bungee jumping, but that facing your feelings and fears are part of personal growth, which isn't always comfortable or it wouldn't be "growth", it'd be remaining stagnant. Introspection and personal growth is always painful, but in the end always worth it.

I agree. However, this would be a too pragmatical approach for my taste: we may say "in the end always worth it" thus the "always painfull" process would be a mean justified by this end.

I wouldn't stretch this that far. Before engaging in swinging (or any other activity) we ponder the risks versus the eventual outcome. In order to invest our time and effort to get a reward, we need to know the reward worth. It's a matter of the simplest math we use in our life, and IMO, this makes it hard to answer to vanilla people asking how much it worth swinging: it's a very personal evaluation, and something way more easy to tell once you've been there and got the reward.

The perspective of a painfull process in order to grow, when you don't know the benefits you'd get after growing, may be enough justification to avoid engaging into the entire process.

We may even see some metaphysical aspects, something pertaining to our perception of our very existence. The ways everyone approach this subject is related with our beliefs (including the religion):

Let say you believe in Karma, after this life you'll have another one where you'd keep growing. Then, avoiding the pain in this life would be just a delay for something that sonner or later you'd have to do anyway. If in the other hand you have a jewish/christian mindset, and you expect to live somewhere else (like heaven) and under different terms than the ones your current life have, then there's no real need to do such a process. If you don't believe in any other life (or as happens to me, since I don't know, I think of this life as the only one I have, this I try to do everything at once, develop myself, make some difference to be reminded as the only way that for sure we "remain here" afterwards, and be hedonistic as well), you'd require to think carefully if you dare to risk a period of pain because of an uncertain reward.

So, what I am telling here is: there is a reward, but it value vary from people to people, for someone it may worth it, for some other it may not... casually, as happens with swinging. For a lot of vanilla couples, they're confortable with their relationships the way it is, and with the way they share their sexuality, so, why should be pursue the swinging idea? All I can say is, it worth to give it a tought, even to choose not to do it.

[TwoLittleBirds]

Originally Posted by TwoLittleBirds

Right on, Double D,
It's hard enough for two couples to decide what to get on a pizza and what video to rent!


Swing52001, Well put. It's the romance and sweetness I want reserved for us. She's my sweetie.

I remember when she'd get these long phone calls from a girl she'd slept with (just the girl and my wife, no guys around) and I used to feel a little jealous. Not about the sex. About the long phone calls! Sometimes I think I'm weird, but really, I just know how I feel, and what is comfortable or uncomfortable for me. I don't think a little jealousy is unhealthy. It's a sort of selfishness, but we're talking about something I like more than anything in the world: Our relationship, with my little bird.

Mr. Little Bird

Mr. Little Bird just revealed something he never told me. I never knew those phone calls made him jealous. I think where we differ is he thinks romance and sweetness would be involved, whereas I just want to have fun!

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by LetsParty

Great comments!

My wife plays alone sometimes, but what she does is set out VERY specific guidelines at the outset of every encounter.

This is SEX ONLY! You are a PENIS to me.
NOTHING comes between me and my husband.
ANYONE that wants me to lie to my husband is OUT!
If you don't respect me, it's over.

Or something like that...

So, she has a few guys that she sees every now and again... but really... They are nothing more than sex toys! (Unless she's lying to me!! No, I don't think so!)

Is this polyamory? Isn't polyamory when you love the others? If she has a few sex toys on the side, I don't think that's a polyamory lifestyle, is it?

No this isn't polyamory. You are correct in your belief that polyamory involves being in love with others. If anything her having a few "sex toys" on the side is more of an open marriage. Everyone involved in Swinging and Polyamory have their own comfort levels and also how things in thoses lifestyles work for them. Swinging and Polyamory is somewhat unique to each person involved in them.

T, A, and P

[Menage_a_Trois]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Thanks sereneiders, I was thinking allot along the same lines myself. It seems that many of the arguments against poly relationships (and having a poly forum) are based on the fears of the opponents, not on rational thought, much like how non-swingers view swinging. It seems to some even the mention of the word "poly" makes them recoil in fear, fear based on emotion not on having good information to base their opinion on.

Interesting point WesternSwing and Sereneiders. We have experience some of what you are talking about first hand. Several people we know who are swingers, are very closed minded when it comes to our relationship. No matter how much the three of us have explained about our relatonship, how happy we are, etc. they still refuse to accept it. They are forever looking for the potential "drama" they have in their imaginations about this relationship. Most of them can not even begin to understand this is not just a sexual relationship. The three of us live together, for us this is a marriage between the three of us. And with any marriage there is MORE than just sex. A couple of months ago we had a celebration for our anniversary of living together. We had decided to make it a lifestyle party. What was surprising to us was that some of our "friends" at the party actually came to us with comments such as, "are you really sure this is for you?" (to The Other Mrs. Menage), "it just feel like it's an affair when Mr. Menage and The Other Mrs. Menage are out without Mrs. Menage" and "you know she'll never be anything other than a girlfriend".

The only thing we can gather from all the comments are that alot of people who are supposedly open minded are actually very insecure when it comes to considering or entertaining the thought of polyamory. It's almost as if by accepting our relationship for what it is, then it makes them or their partner capable of loving someone else AND that just isn't a comfortable thought for them.

We guess we'll be in the nursing home sharing a room or in our rockers, with this all being said still.

T, A & P