Husband wants long term relationship with another woman - polyamory?

[oz6935]

My husband and I have been considering swinging for some time now. A few days ago my husband, with my okay, slept with a young lady who happens to work with us. My husband and this woman have been friends for 6 months and though I think she is a nice person, I personally was not attracted to her even though I have bi tendencies. My husband is attracted to her. The next day I felt very conflicted (for about half of the day), but my husband reassured me that our relationship is the most important thing for me and that he would not continue anything with her if I requested he stop, which made me feel more comfortable and even closer to him. He also confided in me that the other woman said she loves my husband, but that she understands he will not leave me. After that I began joking about him having two wives, which is at times practiced by men of his religious faith. I am bi and the thought of a possible loving, close relationship between my husband, myself, and this another woman was a turn-on. Today, the three of us went out together, just to have coffee, shopping, lunch, etc - no sex, just some light kissing. We all had a great time. I enjyed the company of both my husband and the other woman. He joked with us about having two wives. I told her that in my husband's religion it was common, but that I had not decided how I felt about it. After our "date" the other woman said she would like to go out again tomorrow, and I agreed.

Later, I told my husband that after some thought, I did not think it wise to turn this into a long-term thing. My husband was very upset with me and angrily said that he would not have proceeded without my okay and that if he knew he would have to break the other woman's heart he would not have done anything at all. He told me that this was obviously not the right lifestyle for me because I was so conflicted. I AM interested in exploring this lifestyle - I think the way I dealt with my husband's initial encounter with this woman was normal and appropriate and sort of resolved itself. The issue is that after thinking about it, I do not feel comfortable with my husband and I being in a LONG-TERM relationship with this person even though INITIALLY it really excited me. I don't know if it is because I am personally not attracted to her (and because I do not like the fact that she smokes pot regularly and a few other behaviours I find unacceptable) or because I am feeling jealous or because a poly relationship is simply not for me. I honestly don't mind if we all go out again but pretty much feel I just don't want this to turn into a "polyamorous" relationship.

However, my husband is so angry at me for "leading them on" that he has withdrawn from me (when I tried to kiss him goodbye when he went to work he turned his cheek - that really hurt). I don't feel I was leading her or him on. How do I know my limits if I've never been placed in such a situation? In addition, this woman is a nice woman - I do not want to hurt her (though she was told in the beginning of this whole thing that my husband and I would remain her friends but could not promise anything other than that). The other issue is that my husband and I are only attracted to people we connect with on an emotional/intellectual level as well and are unsure how to deal with this in the lifestyle. I had heard of long-term arrangements and thought because of this that would be our ideal but now I am very conflicted about that.

Though he was angry, he did request me to think about it for three days before coming up to a final conclusion and that he would not see this other woman until I decided what I wanted to see happen. This leads me to believe that my husband wants to continue exploring the lifestyle, but his words left me with the impression that he is saying that I need to proceed as things are going or else give up on the idea of swinging entirely (which niether of us want to do). Other things he said when we spoke make me feel as if he is pressuring me into letting him proceed with a polyamourous relationship or else he will not agree to any further exploration of swinging (translation: it feels like he is threatening to "punish" me for changing my mind about this particular situation. I asked him if he had feelings for this woman and he said he does, but that me and our relationship is his first priority.

I do know he would likely take the other woman as a second wife if I agree - that he has made clear (and she would likely accept, even knowing she has to "share" him. Again, I don't know if the reason my initial desire for the same type of family structure (two wives, one husband) and its benefits (there are many) is now conflicted because I am personally not attracted to her though I am bi (and because I do not like the fact that she smokes pot regularly and a few other behaviours I find unacceptable) or because I am feeling jealous or because a poly relationship is simply not for me. I just want to proceed carefully and do not want to make the wrong choise. Thoughtful advice would be greatly appreciated.

[rcvan05]

I think you have handled the situation well so far. You have done nothing but be honest with your feelings and let your husband know how you are feeling. From your description, he seems to be reacting out of his own disappointment, rather than from a perspective of a truely supportive spouse. It also seems as if he might be using the lifestyle as a threat "If you can't handle this, you can't handle the lifestyle."

My advice to you is to be true to your feelings and try to communicate those as clearly and calmly as possible. Having conflicted feelings in this sitation is natural. It seems unlikely that those conflicting feelings will be resolved in 3 days. It seems to me that it's not so important to resolve the conflicting feelings, but to recognize them and be honest about them. Then I would say if your husband is truely mature or ready for the lifestyle, he will understand and be patient. If not, perhaps it is he, not you, that is not ready for the lifestyle.

Good luck!

[northindycpl]

First off, Welcome to the Board!

It certainly does sound like you have a quandry. After re-reading your post for more clarity, I am curious about many things.

It seems as though this is really more of a polamory situation then a swinging situation. It looks to me, by what I have read, that you have gone into this situation with the idea of being a swinger and he has gone into it with the idea of polamory.

Several things bother me about your story from a swingers perspective. This is a girl that you both work with, She has feelings for your husband and he for her, it sounds to me like you weren't present during their time together, etc... those things are typically not a welcome addition in a swingers world. Especially the feelings part.

True, there is a lot of miscommunication going on as the other posted said and conflicting feelings are common sometimes. But I really think that perhaps you and your husband went into this situation with a much different understanding and expectation. IMHO, there is no reason for your husband to be 'mad' at you for asking what you have.

I think your next step, before anything else is decided, is to really think about what you both want independantly. If polamory is the answer, then I would think you would want it to be with a woman that you find attractive as well, afterall you will be spending great deal of time with her.

[intuition897]

Welcom Oz, and Dito to the above.

Polyamory and swinging are close kin, but definitely two different camps. As Northindy mentioned, swingers usually play together, not inependantly. To quote another board member, it's strongly advised that you "don't shit where you eat". Roughly translated, don't mix swinging with work. I don't think I've ever heard of this working out of all the times it's been mentioned on the board.

I get the impression that while you and your husband are open to swinging and the lifestyle...and maybe polyamory...that the other girl is not. At least not primarily. The fact that she confided in your husband that she has feelings for him, and is apparently dealing with him in a more independant fashion (as opposed to communicating directly with you about it, too, as you are a major part of this man's life, and you should be respected as such) leads me to believe that she's going through the motions of doing "this polyamory thing" to reach the end goal of estranging you from your husband. "See how badly she treats you? I would never restrict you in such a way! She's just being selfish because she doesn't want to share you." I could be very wrong in this, but from the information I've been given in your post, this is the impression I get. I just can't shake the feeling that this girl is playing for keeps, and I wonder just how she feels about being a second wife, as opposed to his "primary" wife.

I can't advise much on this because I'm a swinger. Mr. intuition and I decided that one deep relationship with one another is all we have the emotional reserves for, and that multiple relationships would not suit us. I just found some really good sites about polyamory. Try www.polyamory.org or http://www.smoocherie.com/polyvsswing.htm Lots of good info there.
Good luck!

[oz6935]

Thank you for your help. While I do understand the difference between swinging and poly relationships, I am unsure as to how I feel about either one. Originally we spoke about swinging, but then this situation happened before we got involved in swinging. I have been reading the boards though, and knew someone was bound to have some thoughtful advice for me.

rcvan05 your comment that "It seems to me that it's not so important to resolve the conflicting feelings, but to recognize them and be honest about them." and northindycpl's suggestion to "really think about what you both want independantly" was very helpful. Thanks.

I am still feeling quite hurt today (because my husband is still not really talking to me). That is what bothers me the most. I expected he would be more understanding and help us come up with a solution TOGETHER. Instead I feel VERY alone...I just feel like crying all the time.

I really, really, really love my husband and just want to work everything out with him. This is my second marriage (my first marriage was very unhappy and very unhealthy) so I can really appreciate what a good relationship is. I want us to continue to grow and experience life together.

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by intuition897

To quote another board member, it's strongly advised that you "don't shit where you eat".

Wow, I've never been quoted before! What fun!

In my opinion, Oz, it sounds as if your husband has already formed an emotional attachment to this lady, and yup, it will get messy since they work together. How do you think about them planning this as a way of manipulating you? I'm not saying they did, but if you step back and take a look at the situation, that could be the case.

I think if your intuition tells you to back off, then your husband should back off. YOU are his wife, after all. No pouting, no holding back of affection or any other kind of emotional blackmail. You don't even have a friendship with this woman, although you do like hanging out with her.

How your husband responded and continues to respond to your feelings is key. I strongly recommend counseling.

Good luck!

[oz6935]

RE: the work situation we are not all employed by the same company, though we work together on projects, etc. Not exactly the same as other people's work situations.

I do attend counseling regularly but on my own and simply because I LIKE going. It helps me work out all sorts of things in my life from help focusing on the pursuit of my PhD to acknowledging my tendency to let myself be "walked on" by others and learning to speak up. I am DEFINITELY in favor of psychotherapy. Wish my husband felt the same, but he doesn't (prejudgmental IMHO - he's never attended a single session in his life).

Thanks for the polyamory sites...

I spoke with the other woman today and explained to her the situation and she was actually more calm, understanding and reasonable to deal with than my husband had been. WE girls worked out some of these issues together without my husband's input. The next time I spoke with my husband I casually mentioned that we had worked out some things amongst the two of us and we'd see him tomorrow...he looked awfully surprised! LOL

[getnit2gethr]

This sounds to me like a very serious situation for you. Without trying to make assumptions about your husband or the other woman from your description, I think rcvan05's quote is an important observation.

Originally Posted by rcvan05

I think you have handled the situation well so far. You have done nothing but be honest with your feelings and let your husband know how you are feeling.

Just keep trying to talk while continuing to exercise honesty and patience.

Your husbands silence is an obvious sign that he isn't happy with your feelings but he has to acknowledge them eventually, at least if he's serious about puting you first. I think lovedoctor's advice for counceling is good too but perhaps not practical.

It's sad and I don't want to upset you further but I think you should prepare yourself for the worst. Talk to a trusted friend or relative. Maybe not to tell all but at least to have someone there for support should you need it.

Others have already said it and I agree that this doesn't sound like a normal swinging situation. I hope thing work out for the best.

[getnit2gethr]

Originally Posted by oz6935

I spoke with the other woman today and explained to her the situation and she was actually more calm, understanding and reasonable to deal with than my husband had been. WE girls worked out some of these issues together without my husband's input. The next time I spoke with my husband I casually mentioned that we had worked out some things amongst the two of us and we'd see him tomorrow...he looked awfully surprised! LOL

That's excellent. Good for you!

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by oz6935

I do attend counseling regularly ...

Good! I hope you trust your therapist enough that you can bring this situation up in counseling. Best of luck to you, and please let us know how it is going.

[getnit2gethr]

from the female
I think you and your husband should set some boundries. In our case, if at any point I (or my husband) is not comfortable with someone, thats it. We had both agreed on this. It shouldn't matter if he or both of you have been with this lady 3 or 4 times. You come first and if your not comfortable ,it should be ended and without a fight! I would KICK my husbands ass if he gave me a hard time about that, or turned away when I tried to kiss him. Your husband should not be worried about breaking her heart, he should be worried about breaking yours. just my oppinion
best of luck
B

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by getnit2gethr

I would KICK my husbands ass if he gave me a hard time about that, or turned away when I tried to kiss him. Your husband should not be worried about breaking her heart, he should be worried about breaking yours. just my oppinion
best of luck
B

Dito to THAT!! While it's never good to break anyone's heart, he should remember that he was involved with you first, and, I'm assuming, he made a promise to you to not hurt you. Perhaps he needs to hear you say exactly what you said to us:
"[Your refusing to talk] is what bothers me the most. I expected [you] would be more understanding and help us come up with a solution TOGETHER. Instead I feel VERY alone...I just feel like crying all the time.
I really, really, really love [you] and just want to work everything out with [you]... I want us to continue to grow and experience life together."
It is not selfish nor childish to have these reluctant feelings, and from what I can tell, those feelings are being put second to his own desires. I don't know about you, but that never worked for my own husband and I...and we've been through the wringer a time or two. As you say, it's not that you DON'T want to proceed with a polyamorous relationship necessarily; it's that you want your feelings to have some weight in that decision, and you don't want to be punished for having them. You just want to know that he cares more about you than he does for his own desires. That - to Mr. intuition and I - is what makes our marriage successful. Our happiness hinges on our parnter's happiness.

BTW, I like that you talked to the other woman. It's probably good for him to get used to being married to a strong and independant woman. He was probably surprised because this sorta shows that you WANT him...but you don't NEED him. It's a good place to be.

[sereneiders]

Well, we are swingers and we had a polyamoral relationship that lasted six months, my wyfe, another gal (who actually remains being a great friend of us) and me. Just this came out from swinging after the three of us started to feel we congeniated way more than what we tought possible beforehand, and in any case, the setting for such a relationship was that this gal was attached to our cuple (like an spouse from us two togheter) so our marriage went first all the time. We made this something explicit, as a protection rule, even when we ever needed to enforce this rule.

I know there could be a polyamoral relationship where all the involved ones have the same "rights", but for that I think the three should start the relationship from the scratch. Clearly it is not the case, this gal could become a "bride" for both of you as if you two were just one person. At least you two share a common history togheter that deserve to be taken into account.

I don't see anything wrong about such a poliamoral relationship (she may even give up these things you doesn't accept, or you'd manage to negotiate something able to work for you all), BUT.... your husband attitude about all of this.

The same happens with swinging, I am worried about your husband attitude, if this doesn't work it is because he's the one who isn't ready for it.

A premise we swingers have and allways advice is "to be as fast as the slowest one inside the couple", and it seems your husband wants you to hurry up and keep his pace, without caring if you're ready for it or if you're not. Moreover, it seems he developed a relationship on his own with this gal, and now he wants to make it "match" his current relationship with you, and that he's being cohersitive, threatening you with all or nothing.

Wheter he may feel disapointed after feeling encouraged by you to go on with the "double marriage" idea, it doesn't seem he have a motivation to feel offended, nor a justification to press you into this.

So I believe the problem here comes from your hubby and not from you. He should be up to put your feelings before his ones before even thinking of swinging, and less of a polyamoral relationship.

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

Well, we are swingers and we had a polyamoral relationship that lasted six months, my wyfe, another gal (who actually remains being a great friend of us) and me.

I was just wondering what occured to end the poly portion of the relationship with your friend? And do you find it hard to be platonic friends now, if that's how your relationship is with her as a friend?

~Just curious if you don't mind sharing.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by lovedoctor

I was just wondering what occured to end the poly portion of the relationship with your friend? And do you find it hard to be platonic friends now, if that's how your relationship is with her as a friend?

~Just curious if you don't mind sharing.

It is ok. As I said in my post, she was our "GF" so the three of us knew she was an attachment to our relationship, thus the level of commitment we had with our GF wasn't the same as the level of commitment we had inside our marriage. This was the setting, and we all knew this setting was unfair for her, so we expected her to sooner or late relate with someone else and have the same degree of comitment we two have in our marriage. It was a matter of the best wish for her as part of our love, and we encouraged her to be open to another relationship. Of course, the ideal one would be one where the guy were also swinger and, luckily, this could tourn into a "couple of couples", but well, that was our fantasy and we had to respect her tastes.

So finally she meet this guy. We knew him, we used to hang around with her friends and this guy as in that group, the guy knew the relationship we had, they became friends, liked eachother, and one day they started meeting. And this was a smooth proccess taking a couple of months where she began spending more time with him than with us. The guy isn'tswinger so, some day we stopped having sex upong her request, she wanted to focus herself in this new relationship, and even when a little sad for ourselves, we were happy for her.

By now we're friends, she use to hang around with my wyfe, you know, going out for shopping, or come here for a coffee to talk with us, we also meet her with her BF, for dinner, at social meetings or so, so we are close friends who know how much we love each other and may express that phisically, i.e. with a hugh, but not sexually.

And it is not hard to be "platonic" friends now, at all. I have good memories for sex and may fantasize about these memories from time to time, and we can joke about it with her, but I don't feel an "urge" to fuck her. I have a desire, yes, but I can deal with that and I preffer to hold it back because our friendship (the way today we express our love) means a lot more for me than the sex itself.