Feelings for our MFM single male

[NaughtyKitten]

Hi everyone!

I haven't been around here for awhile. This forum helped me so much when we started six months ago. Thank you all for everything!

I am in a situation right now that is not what I expected and I just stopped by to hopefully hear some words of encouragment from all of you. I figured maybe someone else could learn something from it, too.

We met a single guy a few months ago and started a swinging relationship with him. He got along well with my hubby and we all became friends. We would meet about every 2-4 weeks and everything was fun and fine. I was very happy to have found a great single guy for MFM. I have had a lot of great experiences with him and have felt comfortable to even try some new things. It has been great! Here's the problem.......We talked the other day about taking a break because we are both feeling too close. We have developed feelings for each other. I am having a hard time with the break. I wasn't having a hard time with the feelings. My husband wasn't having a hard time with the feelings either. He knows how much I like this guy and is ok with that as long as I am not wanting to end our marriage over it. I am not. The feelings I have for the other guy are in addition to that not instead of that.

I am so confused now. I did not expect this and don't know what to do now. Now that I am thinking more about it, I have had all kinds of strange thoughts that I never thought I would have. I am thinking very poly-like and I know that is not what he wants. I don't think I really do either. Oh hell!!! I am just ranting now.

I hope that you can give me some encouragment or at least some kind words while I am dealing with this.

Thanks,
NK (Katy)

[DBL D]

Hi Naughty and welcome back and thanks for the update.

When feelings like these hit someone it can be very confusing. Some on this board will tell you that it's not swinging but it's not all bad what's happened to you. This is something that the love of your hubby and what he offers you will be very important. You should be able to sort things out. Poly relationships can be hard to deal with if you aren't all willing to talk long and hard about what you really want...Good luck!

Male D

[Pinmonkey]

Sorry, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to wish you good luck with your problem, and hope things work out for everyone involved.

[J n T]

I have had a similar experience with the male half of a couple. I think it is perfectly natural, and it did not at all lessen my feelings towards my husband. I suggest you talk to your husband openly about the poly lifestyle, maybe that is more for you than you realize. If not, then a break probably will help, especially if you get out and play with some other people in the mean time. That is what worked for us. Good Luck!

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Poly relationships can be hard to deal with if you aren't all willing to talk long and hard about what you really want...Good luck!

Male D

Thanks! I just need friends right now until I can sort it all out in my head. I feel rather blindsided by it all. As far as the poly thing goes. I know that this single guy does not want that at all. He wants to find someone that doesn't belong to someone else, so to speak.

So basically, we are not entering a poly relationship with him. I just don't know what it is going to be like from now on. After we talked, it kind of changed things.

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by J n T

I have had a similar experience with the male half of a couple. I think it is perfectly natural, and it did not at all lessen my feelings towards my husband. I suggest you talk to your husband openly about the poly lifestyle, maybe that is more for you than you realize. If not, then a break probably will help, especially if you get out and play with some other people in the mean time. That is what worked for us. Good Luck!

My husband and I have talked about it alot lately. He says he would be fine with a poly-like relationship with this particular guy but like I told D, that is not going to happen. Part of what made our time together so nice was the intimacy that we built. Now I don't know what's going to happen the next time we are together. Is he going to be more distant? I just don't know. A lot to work out in my own mind. Thank you so much for the support.

Thanks to Pinmonkey, too!! Just knowing I have friends here helps a lot.

[Spoomonkey]

Obviously there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You have been open and honest about them with your husband and both of you are on the same page.

I think, given the fact that you are sure the single guy doesn't want anything "poly" then you are best to change the situation by backing out of it. No sense making it worse for you by deepening the feelings...

Spoomonkey

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Obviously there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You have been open and honest about them with your husband and both of you are on the same page.

I think, given the fact that you are sure the single guy doesn't want anything "poly" then you are best to change the situation by backing out of it. No sense making it worse for you by deepening the feelings...

Spoomonkey

Good point....thanks. I think I am going to have a talk with him about what he thinks this relataionship should look like before we would resume anything. Going back into the same situation will result in the same feelings. If I do resume things with him it needs to be out in the open what we both expect and where the boundries are. It is just not the time to bring it up since we just had the "taking a break" discussion. I need to give it some time.

Thanks again.

[Chicup]

Get out and get out now, cold turkey.

If you are not looking for the poly thing, its time to back off, have had your fun and move on. It will only get worse I'm sure.

[BodyScape02]

I think you are being very honest and considerate of all... including your own feelings, which is a very mature standpoint.

You are not denying your feelings or dismissing his.

I am sure you will find a solution...in the mean time. Perhaps you should do some research on the “poly " lifestyle. Many of those in it seem very happy, but I am sure it has its pitfalls too.

Certainly, there must be a board like this for that lifestyle...somewhere.

I have but one question... is it the single man who is not comfortable with your feelings and the poly definition? I only ask because from reading this post, that is the only item that seems unclear.

Your mate appears confident in your commitment, you appear caught off guard by your own feelings, yet still firmly in love with your mate (as the fact you chose to stop, be honest with him and talk through it indicates), So that leads me to the assumption that it is the single male who is really thrown for a loop by this.

Am I reading this correctly?

Cat

[AZ Dreaming]

I have to agree with the above... take a giant step back. Don't see him, don't talk to him.

I found myself in a similar situation. We were having MFM with a guy who was also a friend.(mistake) He started to have feelings for me. He was using the L word! Freaked me out royally!! On myside I was also caring too much. We stopped seeing him in a sexual way. Not long after he moved out of the state. We do still keep in touch but have not played since.

Good luck and keep talking with your husband!!

[txduo2000]

Kate:

I wish you the best in however you decide to handle this issue. This seems like a sticky one, for sure, but maybe not as bad since your husband is on board and ok with your feelings.

We have a regular single male that we play with ... and I care about him, but not in the "relationship" or "poly" sense. I care about him like I would a friend. I would be concerned if he were in a car wreck, but it would not be the devastation or the personal impact that I would feel were it my husband in a car wreck ... if you get what I am saying. We will see this guy at occasional swing parties, and not always play. We will invite him to our home sometimes, but it is infrequent. Emotional attachment is the occupational hazard of this lifestyle, especially to newbies who have not completely developed the ability to put the invisible barrier up to emotional attachments.

It's hard to NOT develop some sort of feeling for someone you see on a regular basis, but I do think that in this lifestyle, if one isn't looking for Poly (as we aren't) it is best to set your mind to disassociate as much as possible from emotions when playing with others.

That's not to say that emotional attachments are bad if that's what is acceptable to you AND your partner AND the potential poly-partner. It's just really difficult to get everyone on the same page as far as emotions are concerned. I applaud you and your husband for your openness and communication and understanding of each other.

[DBL D]

I think what you'll have to do Naughty is, if it isn't too late, to just let the guy know that you care about him from the standpoint of being such a good match with you two. He would seem comfy with that from what I gather. Like has been said, it's natural to develop (or have from the start) chemistry of some sort in order to maintain interest. That is the way it has been with us. If you want to stop short of poly you'll have to come up with a way to let him know that he is very special to you without him feeling like you "Love" him, and see how things go under that premise.

Male D

[NaughtyKitten]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

I have but one question... is it the single man who is not comfortable with your feelings and the poly definition? I only ask because from reading this post, that is the only item that seems unclear.

Your mate appears confident in your commitment, you appear caught off guard by your own feelings, yet still firmly in love with your mate (as the fact you chose to stop, be honest with him and talk through it indicates), So that leads me to the assumption that it is the single male who is really thrown for a loop by this.

Am I reading this correctly?

Cat

Cat,

Yes, it is him. He has been in the lifestyle for a few years and had that happen once before so he knew the signs. He does not see her anymore. He was the one that initiated the talk about a break. He said it was getting too close. I asked if it was me that made him feel that I was getting to close and he said no.....it is both of us.

The worst thing for me is this......he told me awhile ago that he has been more intimate with me than other women (in the lifestyle). That is what has made our time together so nice. That is the same thing that is making him want to take a break. I know we need to talk about it but I think some time apart would be good before I bring it up. I know that he wants a relationship with someone that isn't someone else's wife. It just hasn't happened for him yet. I was glad that I could give him a little bit of that when we were together. I know he doesn't want a poly relationship. Maybe we need to define for ourselves what it really is that we want before we continue.

Thanks for your comments. I just really needed to talk today.

[NaughtyKitten]

Thanks AZ. It's nice to know that others have been there.

txduo - I appreciate your comments. My play partner doesn't want a poly relationship. Although we haven't really discussed what he wants from here on in. He just said he needed a break and that he would see me again soon. That the break is not forever.

Dbl D - I think that is what I am getting at too. I need to talk to him about what this relationship really is and how we want to continue. He has indicated that he wants to continue and I know we will have to stop short of Poly but there is a lot of room on the contuum between swinging and poly. I guess we need to figure out where we are on that line. Thanks for your comments.