polyamory? What is it?

[HotCoupleGnS]

I was reading profiles on SLS & I came across one that said they were involved in polyamory. I read a little about it, but I got different definitions so to speak. Does anyone else know what it is? Or is anyone involved in it themselves. I know this would not be something that hubby & I would be interested in. But we are always ready to learn about things we don't know about.

For people involved in this..What are the benefits of this? What are the bad things about this? And anything else you would care to share about this!

Thanks for all the info in advance!

[EternallySingle]

Polyamory, in a nutshell, is three or more people in a committed relationship akin to marriage. Not just multiple people know their partner is involved with others, but multiple people involved with each other emotionally as well as sexually.

[Spoomonkey]

Oddly enough, when I first started my "internet existence" as a swinger, I started out chatting on the Love More site. They eventually directed me here, which was perfect, since I just didn't get the whole poly thing.

ES is correct - poly is simply "many loves". And as some people like to reserve kissing just for themselves, we prefer to reserve falling in love just for each other.

It was kind of funny, though. I was talking to a guy once from the west coast who told me that he had been to both poly conventions and lifestyle conventions and marveled at how quickly most poly's could fall in love. They meet each other as strangers at breakfast, fall in love by lunch time and then have a nice big late dinner after consumating their newly found loves...

Not all of the poly life is this way. I actually find it fascinating up to a point. But poly people do tend to put love before sex (often defining love in the heat of the moment) - while swingers tend to be okay with having sex with friends and strangers.

Lots of times, though, your more dedicated polys have a rather low opinion of swingers. But, in fairness, they would tend to view swinging the same way monogamous couples would. So, I can understand their ire.

Spoomonkey

[Elusive BiFem]

If you are really, really lucky, HotCoupleGnS, Mrs. OhioCouple will come along and answer your question.

I recall some months back, she was asking the same thing and it took a number of people to set her straight on what polyamory was. That was a really funny discussion.

Maybe she'll find it and post the link for you.

- EBF

[PLZUREZONE]

I happen to be in what some people have described as a "poly" relationship. I really dont consider us to be poly since hubby does play with alot more people, but I am a part of a Triad (MFM). I have a husband and a b/f. (Both are straight BTW, They always like that disclaimer, lol) I was not feeling quite satisfied sexually just "swinging" when we were meeting many different couples. Why...well that's a completely different thread, and I won't go into it here....but when I met my b/f he just seemed to be a perfect match for me sexually and he and hubby got along so well it just turned into what we have now. It was not planned, nor did it happen over night. We have infact been a triad for nearly 2 years, and many people in the swinging community know us well. Hubby is very "adventurous" and enjoys meeting couples and ladies, and I am completely comfortable with that....me...well I just prefer to keep it to my two men and a pretty female from time to time. Its not for everyone no, but it does work for us...and It's all about what makes you feel good, right? I decided long ago, there is no right and wrong in swinging as long as there is HONESTY between all involved, be it "poly" or "swinging" It's about what makes you feel good.

[BettyAnnMBSC]

Hubby and I were involved in a polyamorous relationship from 96-00; the bottom line of my experience.

In a poly relationship there are more than the two people that make a couple.
The additional partner can be either male or female.
Most often, the additional partner belongs to one or the other of the primary couple. Although, most often, all three get pretty attached to each other.
The relationship is described by those involved as love -- the idea is that you can love more than one person at a time.
Polyamory (meaning many loves) differs from the lifestyle in that poly is more about relational love and is a full-time endeavor. The lifestyle is about the primary couple and is a from time-to-time endeavor.

So, for that four years, I had a "wife" and a husband -- he had two "wives". Not sexual partners but domestic partners as well....

[OhioCouple]

Originally Posted by Elusive BiFem

If you are really, really lucky, HotCoupleGnS, Mrs. OhioCouple will come along and answer your question.

I recall some months back, she was asking the same thing and it took a number of people to set her straight on what polyamory was...

Months? I think it was more than a year ago and I still can't live it down. Was I set straight or did I just concede to get ya'll off my back? That thread was begining to last longer than most relationships.

I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot love more than one person (equally) in an intimate relationship, --at the same time-- without someone having to go.

Here is a thread where this was discussed previously which will show you just how varied the opinons of others are. Let's see if I can get a handle on it this go-round with some new thoughts and ideas of what it means to everyone.

Polyomourous Relationships

[HotCoupleGnS]

Thanks for all the info! I feel so well informed! I do not have a clear definition, but I wasn't looking for one. I kind of figured that it was kind of like swining, it is a very loose term! Thanks again!

[HotCoupleGnS]

OK I just got done reading all the links on this post & the ones in that. OhioCouple I totally see why you were so confused. As I stated above I am pretty sure I get the jist of it all. I am totally incapable of loving more then one person that way. The love I feel for my hubby is so intense that I have no room for more. Sometimes the love I have overwhelms me, I guess you could say. I am totally amazed by how many people are involved in these types of relationships!

I know I could never be involved in any of these types of relationaships, but I am so curious about them. For those that are in them, do you feel that deep love that many people describe about their spouse in monogamous relationaships, for all the people involved in your relationship? (Excuse me if I sound stupid) Or is it dimished a little b/c you are "spreading" your love to more than one person?

What do your family say? What do you tell them about your relationship?

Thanks you for satisfying my curiousity!

[Alura]

There was a book, HotCoupleGnS, written back in the sixties I think, called The Harrad Experiment, a novel about a private school (Harrad College) filled with exceptional students who spend their university years living in a sexually open environment and how it affected their lives. There were also a couple of sequels, I believe, although the names of them and the author excape me. The book is an interesting read.

If I were going to look for a copy, I'd try Gardner's Used Books at about 45th and Mingo.

Mr. Alura

[HotCoupleGnS]

Thanks Alura! I might have to check that place out. It sounds like an interesting read.

[chickadiva]

I think something that may help you to understand polyamory is the book "The Ethical Slut" by Easton & Lizst. In it, it does a good job of describing the feelings and the relationships of ANY type of non-monogamy. Personally, we love the phrase "ethical non-monogamy" because it fits!

Polyamory isn't just about deep romantic love of more than one, but it is about more than just fun sex. Don't get me wrong, I am sure somewhere out there is someone who can and does love more than one person at the incredibly deep and sensual level. But think of your own life now. You love your family, your children, your close friends - but all differently. There are so many different levels of love. THAT is polyamory. Much of it is really deep intimate friendships that cross into love and sexuality (so I always ask, if that is true then aren't we all poly? ). It's a very gray area, and not at all a singular definition although there are "factions", like the three-way "marriage" described above. The most open minded folk believe that the close friendships and repeated meetings between swing couples is a form of polyamory. You know, that one couple you can hang out with, travel with, do regular things all afternoon on a Saturday...then come back home and everyone piles into bed and the fun begins? That, my friends, is a form of polyamory. Poly relationships come in many forms and there is no "standard" but triads are by far the most well known.

Anyway, just wanted to add a little more to the discussion. "Love Without Limits" by Deborah Anapol is also a good reference. And besides www.lovemore.com, there is also www.polyamory.com (usenet) as a resource.

Forgot to add that the "commitment" between parties may vary, and often Poly relationships are very open as long as some type of "Condom Commitment" is honored. Poly also means more partners to protect and consult re: sexual activity! Like swinging, "cheaters" ain't poly!!

[chickadiva]

Oh, and here's a "test" that one of my friends uses to distinguish poly from pure swinging (because there truly is a lot of crossover):

Would you let them/him/her know if you were in an accident? Would you invite them/him/her to the family cookout? Would you introduce them/him/her to your vanilla friends? (but not necessarily as sexual buddies, just as other friends...98% of us in these Lifestyles are never intending to "out" ourselves as anything other than monogamous)

If you can answer yes, then you are also Polyamorous in some form. There is more there than just casual sex.

[PLZUREZONE]

Originally Posted by chickadiva

Oh, and here's a "test" that one of my friends uses to distinguish poly from pure swinging (because there truly is a lot of crossover):

Would you let them/him/her know if you were in an accident? Would you invite them/him/her to the family cookout? Would you introduce them/him/her to your vanilla friends? (but not necessarily as sexual buddies, just as other friends...98% of us in these Lifestyles are never intending to "out" ourselves as anything other than monogamous)

If you can answer yes, then you are also Polyamorous in some form. There is more there than just casual sex.

Yes....yes...and yes....We have met and spent time with each others family members on many of occasions(all three families, camping, cookouts etc..) Of corse we do not tell "all the privy stuff" but they all definitely know that we are all the very closest of friends. If an accident happened, our "other family members" would contact either of us to let us know. we're around each other enough someone would think to call.
Is it an emotional relationship? Yep, it is...and we are happy within it. It fits each of our needs. For us that is all that matters.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Alura

There was a book, HotCoupleGnS, written back in the sixties I think, called The Harrad Experiment, ...

Would you believe that we still have a copy of that? We both read it probably 20 years ago. Interesting book...

-B