Are you aroused by your partner having sex with someone else?

[hotmelcpl]

We are very aroused by this on both sides. WHile we enjoy the sensations we get ourselves, it is an equal part of the allure of swinging to watch each other in the throes of ecstasy as well.

hugs

[Necro71]

The idea of my girl with another dude is very exciting, and let me explain why. Part of it is voyerism, and part of it is that I'm very turned on by her enjoying sex. And part is viewing her as a purely sexual object. When you spend the day saying "I love you darling" and such, it can be a little hard to go straight into animal lust.

[chickadiva]

It's highly arousing for us both, and we have the most fantastic sex together afterward in our reconnect. Oh yeah.......

The only time there may be issues (or have been issues) is when we can't participate as a voyueur as see the other's reactions and pleasure. We prefer situations where we are physically close enough "see", but it's not always possible for various reasons. Of course that means we just try harder to please each other later!

~M

[pairbond]

In our experience, couples never can be sure exactly how they will react the first time they see their spouse having sex with someone else. Some people get far more turned on than they would ever have imagined, and others who thought they would be aroused by seeing their spouse in action with someone else actually get hysterical. I think this is a reaction that will vary, and one should be prepared for the fact that it might not affect you emotionally the way you expected.

In our case, the IDEA of having sex with others turned us both on, but we found the REALITY of seeing each other with someone else was a whole different thing. For about the first year we were swinging, we always used separate rooms when with another couple or when at a party. As we gradually got over our fears & anxieties, discovered that neither of us was going to "fall in love" with someone else, or find sex with someone else better than sex at home, we relaxed. When we relaxed, we suddenly discovered that we DID want to see each other in action, and at that point it did become a major turnon to see each other with someone else.

For newbies, expect the unexpected in your own feelings and emotional reactions, and try not to freak out if you are uncomfortable. The world won't come to an end and lightning won't strike you dead, and you can always discuss your feelings and emotions with your spouse after you are home alone together again to see if you need to try a different approach for a while.

Our experience is that swinging is a continuing series of adjustments, as we become exposed to more and more people and different situations, and it requires a willingness to discuss how you feel about things with your spouse after each encounter, and a constant willingness to change any "rules of engagement" and adjust the boundaries of your comfort zone.

You can't swing without expanding your comfort zone, but the smart approach is to take small steps at a time outside that zone, rather than trying to stretch your boundaries too far too fast.

You'll do just fine so long as you both really enjoy the idea of sex with others and so long as you both make sure to provide each other with all the reassurance and willingness to adjust as is needed. A good rule of thumb is to only move forward at the pace of LEAST comfortable of the two of you. It's much better to make small, enjoyable, successful steps than to have a bad experience from trying to go farther than one of you is comfortable going.

[CB_n_Red]

Good post pairbond!

Your last paragraph does beg one question though (thinking about our discussions on the issue)?:

Is same room or separate room sex the smaller step? It struck me that in situations where a couple see the issue differently there is a major dilemma here.

I can see that some people would find it more uncomfortable to be in separate rooms (safety issues etc) while others would be more worried about their potential reactions if they were in the same room.

CB (male half)

[pairbond]

CB, you asked whether same room or separate rooms is the smaller step. There is no "right" answer to that which would apply to everyone. Each couple is unique, and each couple must decide what works best for THEM. It doesn't matter whether that is similar to or different from what works for their friends or for most people. It's what will work for each individual couple that they must decide.

I think that in order to successfully adjust to swinging and get the most out of it, couples MUST have superior communication with each other. Even after 7 years we still talk about swinging constantly, to be sure each of us understands what the other is comfortable with or uncomfortable with, and what to do about situations that make one of us uncomfortable.

At least until you have gained a lot of experience, you will feel barraged with new situations that you hadn't even thought about, and so weren't prepared to handle. All you can do is keep your cool as best you can, and then when you are home alone continue the discussions with your spouse until you both know how to handle a situation in a way that works for both of you.

I am always surprised whenever someone mentions the "safety factor" as a reason for wanting to be in the same room. Our feelings about that are that if you have safety concerns about the couple you are playing with, then you shouldn't be playing with them in the first place!!! Safety should never be an issue in swinging. Get to know couples a little better before playing with them so that you will know if they can be trusted.

There are other, more valid factors to consider when deciding whether you are more comfortable using separate rooms than same rooms. Advantages of being in the same room include being able to watch your partner in action with someone else (if that excites you), opportunities for mfm or fmf play at intervals during playtime, opportunites for f/f play (if both women enjoy that and want it), and not to be overlooked, the importance of having your own spouse present with a reassuring touch in case of anxieties, and sometimes even having your own wife present to "get you up" if you are having difficulty getting an erection (usually due to anxiety). Disadvantages of same room sex are that you WILL see your partner in action with someone else (if that creates anxiety for you), the sounds and motion of another couple in the same bed can totally throw off your own timing and rhythm, the feeling that one couple is "getting ahead of" the other couple so that you feel pressured to move at someone else's pace instead of your own, and we even had one couple who after we began fucking paid hardly any attention at all to us, but instead just talked & laughed with each other and put on a show for each other so that we felt like nothing more than "extras" in their little theater production.

Advantages of separate room sex include the ability to talk to your playmate and say things you might not feel comfortable saying when both spouses will overhear you - such as communicating what each of you likes or don't like, or wanting to change the pace or position. Separate rooms also mean you can focus on your playmate without the distraction of the other couple and their sounds & motion. For some women this can mean the difference between achieving orgasm or not.

The best two times we ever had swinging were when we used separate rooms until each couple had been temporarily satisfied, then after an hour or so all four of us got togther in the king sized bed and we all just lay there naked talking and laughing, all the while still fondling each other's spouses. After a while of this, erections came back and we had another round side-by-side in the same bed. I guess this is the best of BOTH worlds, and I can tell you that after you've already had a successful first separate room fuck with a playmate, any anxiety you might have had about same room sex just disappears when you all "afterglowed" together for a while.

The only rule is "there are no rules that work for everyone." Each couple must talk, talk, talk to each other, and continue doing so after each and every swinging encounter until you both know exactly how the other feels and how you will handle a given situation in a way that works for both of you the next time it comes up.

[CB_n_Red]

Lots more good points! Thank you!

I confess I was playing devil's advocate to some extent there, thinking around the question, and I admit my choice of phrase (safety issues) didn't begin to cover the whole range of advantages of same room sex. But you have covered the whole range so eloquently there, I have nothing more to add.

We haven't tried the "separate first, then all together" routine yet, but I reckon that could be a lot of fun :-)

Spot on right re communication! We've never stopped doing that in 25 years of marriage and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Red called by my workshop this afternoon. I had printed out this thread (still can't persuade her to use the PC and read the board directly) so after she had read it we had a very interesting discussion about our last encounter and how we could have improved it (for us anyway). Guess I'd better print out the revised edition for her now!

CB

[Chris&Amelia]

At first, we weren't sure how we were going to react. But I found out that I find it highly exciting to see Amelia with another man. It's amazing to simply watch another man's cock sliding in and out of my wife's pussy, and to see the look of bliss on her face as she feels him in her. And those times when we go bareback, watch his semen leak out of her is an amazing experience.

Amelia tells me that she really enjoys the sounds I make when we play. She says that she likes hearing me talk dirty to my playmate, and positively gets off on hearing me gasp and moan when I orgasm.

I think a big part of it is being able to see her pleasure from a different perspective then if we were monogamous. For example: If he's entering her from behind, I can see how much she enjoys it in a way I wouldn't be able to experience if it was me making love to her.

[eroticsensation]

Originally Posted by Chris&Amelia

At first, we weren't sure how we were going to react. But I found out that I find it highly exciting to see Amelia with another man. It's amazing to simply watch another man's cock sliding in and out of my wife's pussy, and to see the look of bliss on her face as she feels him in her. And those times when we go bareback, watch his semen leak out of her is an amazing experience.

Amelia tells me that she really enjoys the sounds I make when we play. She says that she likes hearing me talk dirty to my playmate, and positively gets off on hearing me gasp and moan when I orgasm.

I think a big part of it is being able to see her pleasure from a different perspective then if we were monogamous. For example: If he's entering her from behind, I can see how much she enjoys it in a way I wouldn't be able to experience if it was me making love to her.

we have not had group sex yet. We have planned to have a threeway for a around a year now. We came close to it 2 months ago but I cancelled cause I was not 100%. I dont want to do something that both of us will regret even though it has always been a hot fantasy to do a mfm. Going on what you said is exactly how I feel, to see another guys cock slide in and out of here would be a huge turn on. When I am all horny I feel this way, but when im not I feel we shouldnt do it. its really weird and farked up.
hope we do.

[Chris&Amelia]

Don't rush it! While swinging has the potential of really spicing up your lovelife, it also has the potential to really ruin your relationship as well. It's fun, but it isn't worth loosing the woman you love over.

It seems like you realize that there's a difference between the heat of the moment and normal everyday life. That's good. It's okay to enjoy the thought of your woman with another man when you're already aroused, but after it's all said and done, can you handle the thought that she just fucked another guy? Can she come to terms that you just had sex with another woman after the afterglow of the orgasm is done with?

Good luck.

[eroticsensation]

thanks for your reply. this is the problem....my wife and I have a smoke and watch some porn. we talk about it and fantasise. I enjoy hearing what she would like to do with two guys. But it is weird once I cum all those fantasys go away. feels kind of weird. we have been planning for a while and we do want to try but that is my only concern is once I cum I will have regrets. How did you feel when another guy was having sex with your wife and then you cum.....the after sex part?

[GirlieZ]

Originally Posted by eroticsensation

thanks for your reply. this is the problem....my wife and I have a smoke and watch some porn. we talk about it and fantasise. I enjoy hearing what she would like to do with two guys. But it is weird once I cum all those fantasys go away. feels kind of weird. we have been planning for a while and we do want to try but that is my only concern is once I cum I will have regrets. How did you feel when another guy was having sex with your wife and then you cum.....the after sex part?

EroticSensation, you are not alone!

One of my hubby's biggest fantasies to talk 'bout during sex is for me to have multiple men and for these multiple men to cum inside of me...then he is the last one. Everytime, as soon as we are finished and we are laughing and talking he says "You know, that really turns me on...but I don't think I want it to happen" Its a turn on for him to see me be so nasty and dirty, but after he cums..and he has his wits about him he knows that it would not be a good idea and downright dangerous. I know that my hubby has certain boundaries that should not be crossed, even though he loves to talk about those subjects. Its all a part of me knowing him. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality.

Zgirl

[CB_n_Red]

Originally Posted by eroticsensation

thanks for your reply. this is the problem....my wife and I have a smoke and watch some porn. we talk about it and fantasise. I enjoy hearing what she would like to do with two guys. But it is weird once I cum all those fantasys go away. feels kind of weird. we have been planning for a while and we do want to try but that is my only concern is once I cum I will have regrets. How did you feel when another guy was having sex with your wife and then you cum.....the after sex part?

We did turn the fantasy into reality and it just keeps on getting better

Like you we used to have a smoke, watch some porn, talk and fantasize. Eventually we arrived at the conclusion that the only way to find out how the reality would be was to do it. So we did. Neither of us have any regrets and we always look forward so much to the next time.

We both feel great about the whole experience, before, during and after, whether it's with just one other person or a whole bedful. It has brought us so much closer together. If anything we love each other more now than ever (if that's possible). Not bad going after 25 years of marriage and nearly 30 years together.

I think the thing that really makes encounters so good for us is the way we stay in at least partial contact throughout, whether by a look or a touch. It reinforces and reaffirms our relationship. No surprise that we inevitably finish up with a mind-blowing bonk with each other. facelick

Just our take on the issue.

[Mistral Wind]

Watching Mistral enjoying sex is wonderful for me, if it be a playtime on herself with her toys or fucking herself to heaven with another partner/partners is a massive turn on for me. She gets the same fun watching me enjoying it all.
Tim Mistral's SOH

[dormi]

Absolutely!