What are your rules?

[ventz hurgby]

We are currently drawing up a new set of rules after 15 years of having an open relationship. We are both drafting an individual set of rules with the intention of comparing and blending them to reach our final agreement. Here is my first draft.

1. Contraception.
Both of us take responsibility for contraception, we do not rely entirely on barrier methods nor do we rely upon our lovers taking responsibility for contraception.

2. STDs.
Unless we have agreed that condoms are unnecessary, they must be used for vaginal or anal penetration. We are tested regularly and require our regular lovers to do the same if they are sexually active with others. Negotiated safe sex with trusted partners is safer than “always using condoms”. Ideally, regular lovers would agree to a fluids contract.

3. Strangers.
No sexual activity with strangers until they are friends to both of us. Essentially, no sexual activity on the first few dates/meetings and definitely not before we both agree to take things further. However “special circumstances” may allow that the person is a friend to just one of us.

4. Friends.
More spontaneous sexual activity is permitted with friends that are already seen as appropriate by both of us.

5. Special circumstances.
Under special circumstances (eg. extended OS trips apart) some of these rules can be modified or waived, but only by prior agreement. Any conditions that are attached to the modification, bending or waiving of any rules must be clear to both of us and must be honoured.

6. Rules of engagement.
• We only have sex with others that are, at least, acceptable to each of us.
• Things move as slowly as is comfortable for both of us.
• Frank and honest discussion between all parties involved must precede any sexual activities
• Everyone’s limits/boundaries are respected.
• No one has to “take one for the team”.
• If either of us has concerns in any situation, we stop what we are doing and find a way to communicate.
• No “on the fly” rule changes.

7. Communication.
• Self knowledge is essential.
• Honesty at all times.
• No surprises for all concerned, primaries and secondaries; clear statement of intent, desires, conditions, prerequisites etc. particularly prior to any sexual activity.
• Rational, caring, thoughtful, polite and non-destructive expression of thoughts and feelings.
• Mean what we say and say what we mean.
• Jealousy and other negative emotions will arise from time to time, when they do we have an obligation to find out what insecurity buttons are being pressed in ourselves and tease apart the difference between what is really happening and how we feel before we discuss this with each other. Reassurance and support is required and is reasonable to ask for.

8. Problems.
When we encounter problems we must do some deep soul searching before we attempt to discuss the problem. Any damage done must be repaired as much and ASAP by the person(s) responsible for the damage. A clear plan to prevent such a problem from happening again must be agreed upon.

9. Couples.
Initially we would try same room sex with a couple before full swapping occurs. We stay together when we do initially swap. 3somes and 2somes are desirable and acceptable, eventually.

10. Singles.
Singles must clearly understand what polyamory means in general and specifically to us and respect our limits and boundaries. We would like 3somes to be part of the plan, no specific frequency required, and not essential if someone really doesn’t want to. It is generally not appropriate to have a 3some with a single secondary and another person of their choice unless agreed to by both of us beforehand.

11. Together.
When playing together with others we include sexual contact with each other during the activity. We sleep with each other after the event.

12. Apart
When playing apart we trust each others judgement and must ensure that the secondary is fully informed of our significance to each other and what limits apply. Any competitiveness from a secondary is instantly called and is not tolerated. Any arrangements about communicating with each other, when we will be back, etc. must be honoured.

13. Veto
Only under exceptional circumstances can either of us exercise the power of veto. We must have a good reason to do so and must be prepared to clearly and lovingly explain to the other why we are exercising veto power.

14. Out of bounds.
Certain people are out of bounds; our partner’s boss, therapist, sibling or anyone who has a relationship with our partner that could be compromised by our sexual involvement, any one who is in a committed relationship and is cheating, anyone that either of us know we can’t trust. Our bed is out of bounds unless we both agree and then only if both of us are involved and present. Any situation is unacceptable where our privacy is compromised beyond our agreed limit.

15. Preservation of our relationship.
We both agree that the protection, preservation and nurturing of our relationship is paramount. If a secondary relationship is taking too much time or energy away from us to the point that our relationship is suffering then some management strategies have to change. If either of us falls in love with a secondary in a way that reduces our love for each other then we clearly have a major crisis and should act appropriately. We both accept that at all times and in all circumstances we have to be very thoughtful about how we behave, what we say and the way we say it. We have equitable arrangements; we both have very similar, if not the same, rights and responsibilities. Under unforeseen and distressing circumstances asking for exclusive attention for a period of time is reasonable.

16. Penalties
There is one penalty that applies in all circumstances; if the agreement is not honoured then clearly we don’t have an agreement and the relationship will change. Penalties do not include punishments or revenge, they are concomitant consequences of our individual choices.

Ventz (Husband)

[countrycouple4]

We have not played yet but our rules right now are no cumming in my mouth, no anal, no jealousy of course same room always if one of us is not comfortable then we don't do it the useual stuff things may change but as of right now these are the ones we are set on.

[cubnamy1995]

OK, our rules are a little different from everyone elses. Here are ours.

1. Always use a condom.
2. Full disclosure is a must.
3. Never in our own bed if both of us are not home.
4. Never take time away from each other to scratch the itch.

We have no problems playing seperate. I travel a lot with work, and if I should want a little while out of town, all is fine and good, so long as I tell her about it. Same goes for her. In fact, if I'm going to be out of town for more than a couple of days, I sometimes arrange some "company" to stop by and make sure the pipes didn't freeze up while I was gone. I suprise her with it. I like to see her smile.

We enjoy same room too, it's just not a must. I think the condom rule has been thoroughly discussed already. The bed rule is one of respect. That is our marriage bed, and if we are both there to enjoy it, then we may welcome others into it. But our bed is a sacred place, and we do not share it without mutual participation. The time one is unique I think to different room swinging. There's nothing wrong with us playing apart, but I should have the common decency not to go get my wick wet when she's sitting at home watching Dr. Phil. All of our rules basically boil down to showing each other the respect we rightfully deserve in our relationship, and as long as we've kept that in the forefront of everything we've done, we have never had any problems.

[JustAskJulie]

Our rules at this point....

We only play together in the same room
condoms a must
no single males