Basic Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[Chicup]

These are some things I think are mistakes the normal WSSC makes in swinging (White Suburban Swinger Couple, and yes I say this in jest to societies use of acronyms for everything).

1. Being afraid of the clubs.
We were afraid of what kind of wack jobs we would meet at the clubs, how 'seedy' they would be etc. Well we did meet wack jobs, mostly wack jobs like us. Now the club experience isn't for everyone, nor will everyone there be the kind of couple you would be interested in, and sometimes they can be a turn off if there is no one you would be interested in there, but its the best chance to meet 'real' swingers quickly and size them up. One "Hello my name is" in person is worth 10 emails.

2. Expecting a fantasy couple.
If you are the average WSSC couple, you are going to be average in looks too. Swinging might be a sexual fantasy level activity for you, but don't expect to be getting calls from people who look like they could be models. It can happen, but not often, and by not often I mean really really rare.

3. Only wanting to start with a newbie couple.
The problem with two newbie couples is neither has a clue what to do to bring it to the 'next level'. Someone has to be the first to take their clothes off and be comfortable with doing so. This is something we are not good at, and even today its a hell of a lot easier if the other couple says 'lets do it' first. Going at your own pace is important, but making awkward small talk waiting for 'something' to happen isn't going to get you what you really want out of it.

4. Expecting couples to 'woo' them.
I've seen this a few times in responses from newbie couples. I don't think anyone is here to romance you into sex at some level. By the time you put that swinger add up you should be ready to have some sort of sex with another couple, soft or otherwise, if not keep talking with your spouse until you both feel ready, don't count on others to make you feel ready.

5. Being 'friends first'
Ok this is a biggie. So you are expecting to meet people you have never seen in your life before, for sex, but first you will strike up a friendship relationship, so you feel comfortable having sex later? Good luck. I won't call it impossible for this to work out, but just like waiting for the super models to call you, its going to be a rare one. Making new friends can be hard enough, but doing it with the underlying 'tension' of swinging is just damn near impossible. If the sex aspect is 'out of the way' you have a much better chance of being friends later. Rather then looking for friends first, look for the kind of people you could be friends with.

6. Expecting people to come to you.
We aren't party people so this one applies to us as much as anyone. Clubs are basically parties where you KNOW people are going to get laid, but they are still parties. The exact same social dynamics that apply to vanilla parties apply to swingers parties, even more so. If you are by yourselves in a corner looking nervous odds are few will come talk to you, they might assume you are just there to watch, or are a drama bomb waiting to happen do to your apparent discomfort. Treat it like any party, just because you talk to people and are being social doesn't mean you need to have sex with them.

7. Getting desperate.
This may seem a bit contradictory, but just like some people are afraid to move forward, others are so desperate to move forward they make bad choices on partners. Yes it can take a lot of time to find people you are comfortable with, but don't 'settle' just so you can swing. A bad early experience may color one of you against swinging forever, while a good first experience would do the opposite. BE PATIENT, you have time, and as long as you are realistic you should find what you are looking for.

I wrote this for another thread but felt it would be better on its own. Feel free to add your on mistakes. Some of these we made ourselves and others we have seen people make, I'm sure there are a lot I haven't covered.

[lovinher]

How about assuming your getting the truth?

[spectraschain]

[Puppy2]

We're a new couple, interested more in public sex than swinging at this time. We've been to a local club a couple of times and really enjoyed ourselves.

I'm commenting on this post (this is my first time posting here after lurking for so long) b/c I wanted to tip my hat to the OP for a concise, to the point 'how to' thread. Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it.

[good times]

Excellent Chicup, I can only think of one other mistake we see quite often.

Being possessive of playmates,
We see this one often and have had it happen to us on occasion. This mainly applies to the club situation but can also happen when a couple expects a playmate they have played with to meet them whenever they are available. What usually happens is that the newbie finally meets and plays with a couple and has a great time, then whenever they see that couple at the club or have time available they expect that couple to play with them. If this couple they played with before isn't in the mood, or has other plans, they then take it personally and get upset. Newbies often seem to take it especially bad if the couple they played with can't meet/play with them because they are meeting or playing with someone else. So, if you play with someone, don't assume they will want to play with you every time they see you, or that they would want to play with you to the exclusion of others. It doesn't hurt to ask, but if they decline don't take it personally or assume they never want to play with you again.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by good times

Excellent Chicup, I can only think of one other mistake we see quite often.

Being possessive of playmates,
We see this one often and have had it happen to us on occasion. This mainly applies to the club situation but can also happen when a couple expects a playmate they have played with to meet them whenever they are available. What usually happens is that the newbie finally meets and plays with a couple and has a great time, then whenever they see that couple at the club or have time available they expect that couple to play with them. If this couple they played with before isn't in the mood, or has other plans, they then take it personally and get upset. Newbies often seem to take it especially bad if the couple they played with can't meet/play with them because they are meeting or playing with someone else. So, if you play with someone, don't assume they will want to play with you every time they see you, or that they would want to play with you to the exclusion of others. It doesn't hurt to ask, but if they decline don't take it personally or assume they never want to play with you again.

Great point. Its funny but you can overcome jealousy with your spouse over sex and then experience the same emotion with a couple.

[lovinher]

This is a great thread and should be required reading for all, newbies or not.

I think we'll see this post referred to many many times.
Great job.

[girlsnboys]

Great thread! The one mistake I've seen is new couples who treat swinging like vanilla dating, and draw out some sort of courtship and hold the swap like a carrot on a stick. Saying you will & then you don't - essentially not really being ready. This is very similar to your point #4 - expecting to be "wooed"

I almost forgot to mention, drinking too much - not necessarily a newb thing, but when we were starting out we made this mistake - thinking, yeah lets get crazy, but not factoring in things we wouldn't remember in the morning that could cause issues.

[intuition897]

Oh yeah. This one's going in the favorites folder. This is definitely required reading and it's a thread I can see myself referring others to. Very definitive. Awesome thread, Chicup.

[ViSexual]

How about;

'Not being considerate of others'?

[good times]

Mrs. GT thought of another common newbie mistake that we made and we often see brought up here on the board.

Trying to make swingers out of your vanilla friends.
While on rare occasions it works out, trying to approach your vanilla friends for sex is usually a major mistake.

[lovinher]

After thinking about this I have have to wonder about #5. This isn't a statement because I don't feel I'm qualified on this particular subject.


Is it being unrealistic to want to get to know prospective playmates beforehand? What is wrong with trying to get to know a couple before jumping into bed with them? I'm not talking about endless EM's but having some general conversations with them can give you an idea if they are the type you want have sex with. Personally I don't feel comfortable just jumping in the sack without knowing something about the woman I am about to have sex with. Most importantly I want to know something about the guy Lovinhim is going to play with. Not because I want to control who she plays with. I want to make sure she is with somebody that will give her the respect she deserves and respect our wishes. If a couple cannot give us the time to get to know them a bit beforehand then it isn't going to happen. Now at a club obviously, getting to know somebody isn't really an option. This is kind of a gray area for us and I'm not sure what is expected so I'm looking forward to hearing some opinions from you veterans out there.

[The Fuse]

Here's a big one that's not on the list yet...

In general, not communicating. Most importantly, not communicating with your SO beforehand about what's okay, what's not okay, and what to do if something comes up!

How about... taking one for the team? That's a basic newbie mistake.

[Tia Vampire]

When asked how did we get into swinging and how we feel about it, I reply a girlfriend got us into it and i don't feel anyway about it because it is nothing but a booty call between couples. Many couples hesitate first and seem like they have a handfull of other question they would like to ask, but they don't. I wish they would tell me what is on thier minds. Some laugh and some agree.
We don't like drama, so we try to find out who are the trouble makers and who are the cool people. So far we hang out with a pretty cool bunch when at our favorite spot.
We only have one single guy that follows us around when he is there. We can't shake him and we have gotton to the point that we call first to see if he is there. He does seem to get upset with us when we play with others, but so far has not said anything to us about it.
The only mistake i think we have made so far is taking people words for it. More honesty is needed.

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by lovinher

Is it being unrealistic to want to get to know prospective playmates beforehand?

No, not at all. We would have to feel comfortable with a couple, certainly. That means knowing a bit about them and getting a feel for them.

But I think Chicup was thinking more about wanting to be friends with swing partners.... the whole Bar-B with the kids on vanillla days sort of deal. That seems to be a common newbie ideal and, for us, neither necessary nor desirable.

I would nominate "Too Many Rules." Sure, you need to know your limits and play safe. But some new couples build this web of rules about things like kissing, touching, oral, that whole soft swing dance. It not only takes a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of a new experience but it just makes something that should be fun seem like work. Too many rules also create the potential for tons of drama when someone breaks a rule... or maybe bends it a bit.

And...great thread, and very thoughful OP.