Basic Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[socolais]

If you guys are together on that list of rules, then you're off to a great start. Communication is a big part of what makes this all work. Be prepared for your rules to change. Respect for each other should be rule #1 (in my opinion). The kissing rule may or may not be the first rule that changes - what's important is how you two work together on the change.

[2aussies]

From our limited experience, I would advise not to change rules on the run. Stick to your rules during playtime, then discuss any changes afterwards when you are alone.

[SnowwwWhite]

This is such a great thread.

My experience might be interesting to newbies who are wondering about whether they should go the "friends first" route.

Before I'd been in a swinging situation I expected that I would HAVE to get to know the couple and believe they were someone who I could potentially be friends with before even considering playing with them. I was so adamant about that! I couldn't envision myself in a "slutty one-night stand" and I guess I thought that getting to know someone would erase all the fear, guilt, and risk. That's how I've always been with vanilla sex/relationships so I figured that's the way I should keep behaving.

But what I found was that I actually preferred no strings attached. We flitted around the whole evening, talking to lots of couples here and there. We didn't spend any time with the couple we ended up playing with... just had a chance to exchange a few sentences with them early in the night. Later on when they saw us playing with each other on a bed in the play area they asked to join in. It was as simple as that. We had a great time, the experience was intense. I don't remember their names and I'm glad we didn't exchange numbers. If I saw them again I'd immediately recognize them and be friendly with them, but I don't have any desire to hear their life story, meet them outside the club, or seek out a relationship.

I think ultimately my desire to not have a poly relationship overcame my aversion for one-night stands. I guess I worry that having a protracted friendship opens the door for something more complicated, and that's not what I want.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Willing29

not really, i think we know what is aceptable to us. I was really looking for other LS'ers comments on what THEY did wrong. You know, sort of learning from their experiences.

Our primo lessons learned: carry a playbag with all the things you think you might need...which includes more than one condom per couple. And in accordance with that, no changing rules during playtime.

We also had a whole list of rules before we actually swung and we talked for months about them. When we finally got around to playing the only one left was 'use condoms'. You can't plan for every contingency/scenario, so don't try to. The less rules, the more likely boundaries won't be overstepped. Because seriously, if things are getting hot and heavy and the kissing rule gets tossed out the window because someone gets caught up in the moment, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt b/c a rule was broken.

I did link to your SLS profile from the SB, but was unable to find it when doing a search when I logged in. Why did I look? Well to see how your profile is worded, plus to see if the f of the couple was listed as bi- or bi-curious. And if so, does the kissing rule apply there as well? That's just curiosity on my part. Sometimes I'm just nosy.

But as long as you are on the same page and can agree, that's great. I also like the other posters notes about going with your gut feelings. They can be a wonderful guide.

Good luck, have fun!

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by Willing29

Well, The thing I liked about the archived thread was all the others comments about what they did wrong or right. Anyway here is a try although I am sure I will forget some so I will ask my wife to fill in the blanks when she is available but here's a start.

soft swap only
couples only
always same room
chatting with other couples and such is only to be done as a couple
no cheating or cheaters
if is dosen't work either spouse can pull the plug
no kissing
GO SLOW TO START!!!

I'll tell you now that you probably will forget something or just won't think up a scenario in which you'll find yourself wondering how to proceed. But as long as you and your wife have great communication between the two of you, it won't matter.

That said, it looks like you've got a good set of "starter" rules. Most of us have discovered that as we've gotten more experiences under our belts, we didn't need quite as many rules. Which is fine, as long as ya'll sort them out before or after playtime. NEVER try to adjust the rules during playtime. It's too easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, and/or miscommunicate. Of course, you're GO SLOW rule may just cover that.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[JustMrJ]

I guess, we are a little strange in that the only rules we have are what we will and won't do with others, but because of our individual comfort levels and not that we feel it will 'hurt' our relationship.

Examples: My wife is not ready for anal play. Even with me it is still in it's infancy. So our rule is 'the back door is closed' for her. My rule is that my tongue stay firmly attached to me, so one of the ladies I played with in the past will not be getting repeat business as she tried to suck my tongue from my head with her mouth. Pain + me = no play.

If my wife or I are comfortable with a playmate, then we can play... that simple. (generally most applicable at a house party or club) When we have 'play dates' we usually already know the couple or pair we are getting together with. When we are meeting a couple only for the first time, then we do so for either dinner or through mutual swing friends at a kind of mini party so we can get to know them. Only then do we decide to play or not.

There will be situations come up where one of your rules will seem... well, silly and you will want to throw it away... make that decision BEFORE play starts. As someone else said, only change the rules away from play with your spouse/partner.

The advice about the play bag is complete gold... follow it!!! Ours contains condoms for me, lube for us both, a robe for each of us, some sexy lingerie for her and our 'play cards' (business cards for our playmates).