Should swinging sex be meaningful?

[Spoomonkey]

I was just reading an interesting profile on Swing Lifestyle and it made me think... Is swinger sex really "meaningful"?

According to the profile, they want friends because having sex with people you don't know isn't "meaningful". I've never really thought of it in those terms. Not sure why, but it has just never occurred to me that it should be.

What I have always wanted it to be is fun. That's good enough for me. I don't need it to have a reason, purpose or meaning. Friendship in the lifestyle is great - and I think it does ultimately make the sex more enjoyable - but not because it adds meaning.

What do you think? Is there a "meaningfulness" to what we do? Should there be? Am I missing something fundamental for just enjoying the moments for what they are?

EDIT: I understand that the answers to this would be very different for our poly friends. But this question is really aimed at non-poly swingers.

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

I was going to wait until some other folks posted to this but Spoo and I just talked about it and I can't wait.

We got into the lifestyle because we wanted to met people we could be ourselves with and extend our already very incredible sex life. We want to have friends but we are not looking for "meaningful" sex.

Okay let me explain that last statement...as Spoo and I were just talking we agreed that the friendship is meaningful but the sex doesn't need to be. If you can build a meaningful friendship with someone in the lifestyle it makes the sex with them fun. You learn things about your playmate the more the friendship develops and you can both relax and just have fun with it but is it going to be meaningful like it is when Spoo and I have sex...no.

Just like other things we like to do...play pool, see movies, go to ball games, watch football and reality TV...the lifestyle is something else in that list for us. When you have great friends that like to do the same things it makes going to a local baseball game, or going out for drinks at a local bar and playing a few rounds of pool just a lot more fun.

You can have great and fun sex even if you don't develop a friendship with someone but the "meaningfulness" is in the friendships not the sex.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[sexcupid]

I don't think that swinging sex has to be 'meaningful' per se. I think it may just be that couple's way of making swinging 'ok' for them to do. As in, "As long as what we are doing is 'meaningful' then we aren't being totally immoral and just bedhopping." Or something along those lines.

As one of the women we know is fond of saying, "I used to be a slut, but apparently I was just a swinger and didn't know it." (I'm paraphrasing her, but that is the gist of her statement...I love listening to her tell stories and insert that line in there... )

As for me, if some 'meaningful' sex happens between me and a swing partner, I don't think it would bother me. Now, if I didn't have meaningful, loving sex with my SO...then I would be worried.

Maria

[good times]

I look at it as "just fun" too. I have had sex with a swinger partner who thought it was meaningful, even though it was just fun for me. In that case it just led to too much drama in the end. So, now days if I saw that in a profile I would probably shy away, (unless they were really hot, of course) as I would expect it to be more drama than it was worth.

[socolais]

I think any sex is meaningless. The relationship my wife and I share has meaning without regard for any sex. It's like the military cadence chant - this is my rifle, this is my gun [grabs self], this is for killing, THIS is for FUN............

[cubnamy1995]

I'm just gonna ditto what Mrs. Spoo said. I can't put it any better than that.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Is it meaningful? I voted "as long as I understand the moaning, I'm fine..." This is not necessarily the view of "The Management".

What it means is that sex is hard-wired into our brains. For men, the wiring says to have it with as many females as possible. For women, the wiring dictates that she gain favor with several men. Comes from evolution. When our ancestors lived in caves, a man could be eaten by a saber-tooth tiger. If the woman did not have a relationship simmering on the back burner, she was at a disadvantage. Why fight the hard wiring.

It was a tough choice. My mouse pointer hovered over "No - meaning is one of the things that makes sex between me and my spouse special," for a second.

[LikeMinds321]

This is something I’ve not thought about until now. It’s a good question. I think the term “meaningful” is very subjective and this, therefore, has to be considered when coming across it in a profile.

I can see this word being used by people who want to develop a friendship before having sex. But I also think those who don’t require friendship before sex—like ourselves—can also be looking for meaningful sex.

Meaningful is defined as “having purpose” or “significance” and we couldn’t see swinging without that being a part of the equation. Our purpose for swinging is to add something worthwhile to our lives—hopefully to other people’s lives as well—and swinging does that for us.

I want to look back one day, after we retire from swinging, and be able to say swinging influenced us in a positive way and had been a meaningful part of our social life.

LM

[havefuninsun]

LM has a great point ... what exactly is meaningful?

Volunteering on Thanksgiving day to serve food in a food line is meaningful. Stopping on your way somewhere to help a turtle cross the road is meaningful. The way Mr. Fun and I make love to each other (notice I didn't say have sex) is meaningful.

Stopping by my favorite ice cream shop for a milkshake is fun! Playing with the puppy is fun! Having sex is fun!

Things that are meaningful, to me, are things that touch my heart. I don't expect recreational sex to touch my heart. I think if it were to happen, red flags would come out of the woodwork. Simply put, I don't want to make love to play partners. I just want to fuck 'em.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

The way Mr. Fun and I make love to each other (notice I didn't say have sex) is meaningful.

The difference is hard to quantify really. The physics are the same, and to be honest, a lot of our love making looks an awful lot like some of our better playtimes with friends. The difference is there, if only we can recognize it.

I agree with what is meaningful - that is my point. There is a deeper meaning between Mrs Spoo and I when we are together physically. And, like LM said, I think the experience of swinging as a whole has ultimately been meaningful in our lives - though I am not sure that means that the individual sexual experiences need to have any deep purpose.

Spoomonkey

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

LM has a great point ... what exactly is meaningful?

Volunteering on Thanksgiving day to serve food in a food line is meaningful. Stopping on your way somewhere to help a turtle cross the road is meaningful. The way Mr. Fun and I make love to each other (notice I didn't say have sex) is meaningful.

Stopping by my favorite ice cream shop for a milkshake is fun! Playing with the puppy is fun! Having sex is fun!

Things that are meaningful, to me, are things that touch my heart. I don't expect recreational sex to touch my heart. I think if it were to happen, red flags would come out of the woodwork. Simply put, I don't want to make love to play partners. I just want to fuck 'em.

Very well said

Tying what you expressed here so well back a bit to what I was attempting to say in my rambling post ... the friendships we have in the lifestyle are meaningful because as we become closer friends we experience with them their joys and sorrows within their families. But ... the sex with them is fun

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

According to the profile, they want friends because having sex with people you don't know isn't "meaningful".

Spoo, perhaps the author of that profile is more poly than swinger, and just doesn't fully realize it, yet. Or, perhaps they do, but are crossover swinger/poly. Something along those lines would be my guess.

[Tia Vampire]

We voted that sex was something meaningful between my spouse and I, not with swing partners. It's not that after we have developed a friendship between our swinger friends that we don't give a dam. Some of the people at the swing party where we frequent, we can say that we do care about them as a friend would for another friend, but some of them are one nighters or the sex was not all that. So we can say that there is'nt any kind of meaning in our relationship with them other than just seeing each other at the swing parties.

[stanlane]

We just discussed this a few nights ago and had different answers. One says no, it should be nothing more than a purely lustful, physical, non-emotional experience while the other doesn't believe in purely physical, non-emotional sex (or at least not before our threesome experiences). It looks like this difference of opinion will result in our not engaging in anymore lifestyle activities unless we come to a consensus on this issue.

This issue arose b/c of a 3some we had with a mutual friend. In the afterglow, someone used the "L" word and that created some jealousy.

[The Fuse]

I think the important distinction is the "Should" part of the question: "Should swinger sex be meaningful?" To me, if a person answers "yes, it should be", then that means if it's not meaningful, then we shouldn't do it. But swinging is mostly about playing with people we're not emotionally attached to, and because that's how I think of "meaningful" sex, I'd answer "No, but it wouldn't bother me if it were". Does that make any sense whatsoever?

Mr. Fuse and I have had more casual play with people we only saw again a few times (or not at all), and we've also gone all the way in the poly direction. I think "meaningless", i.e. casual, no-strings-attached play is not only fine... it can be fun and has a real place in swinging. We've enjoyed our long-term relationships more, but to each their own.