How open about swinging are you?

[Mr. Truelove]

How open are you about your swinging?
Have you told friends outside the lifestyle, family, work, open to everyone?

Mr. Truelove

[flkeyscouple]

This is one of my greatest fears - being outed. We have not told anyone - no friends, no family. Luckily we live across the country from our family, but unluckily (not really) we now have many vanilla friends where we live!

I have gotten less paranoid about being outed, but it's still a huge fear. Having no one know about our lifestyle is ok, however. Roger and I get to talk to each other about it, and we always have GREAT conversations!!

Sarah

[rpu3]

This one is hard to answer.

Both of us have "anonymous" blog pages, which are open to other members registered in this particular online community. So, we are open, in a way, to the public.

We have disclosed our alternative activities to very few friends. We have disclosed this to two couples, and one of Mark's single friends. If they have questions or comments, they go through our blogs/profiles on the online community - we only occasionally talk about it in public with them.

No member of our family knows. The only one that I think would be cool about it would be my dad. However, if some of the others found out, we really wouldn't care (we aren't particularly close to our families).

My sister once asked, after we returned from a trip to Desire, if we had done this, and I could honestly answer "no", because we haven't "swung" (is that a word?) at Desire. She then asked if we ever had, in the most disgusted, judgmental voice, so I did lie (and it takes a lot for me to generate a lie - I just don't do it). But, she's the one person that if she found out and she held it against me, or thought poorly of me, this would devastate me. I don't know why and I get upset even thinking about it.

If asked directly, I'd consider being honest, unless it is a work-related person. I have two close friends at work, and we have a lot in common and both have their own form of "alternative", but I don't want to go there, even though I know they'd be fine with it. They know we do the nude thing, they know that we go to Desire, but I'm not going to disclose the swinging thing directly, any more than either one of them will disclose their sexual orientation. Kind of a don't ask, don't tell for all three of us.

There's my long-winded answer to your rather simple question.

[Spoomonkey]

Good question!

We have told a few friends and a family member. Mrs Spoo's mom knows - and she thinks its a riot. She actually takes Mrs Spoo "slut" shopping for club wear. It is interesting because she actually is a bit envious of us - mostly because of the marriage we have, but also because of how adventurous we are.

Right after we told her, she asked us to take her to a club... And the answer was, "no." I mean - ick. I love my Mother-In-Law nearly as much as my own mom, but that is one position I am not going to put myself in. Besides - I've seen some of the slugs that slime their way around the club - and I'm afraid she'd get lucky and rail us with the details Needless to say, we told her that if she ever wants to go - there are some nice clubs over her way that she can visit on her own...

Friends? We've been surprised at how discrete our friends have been. I think it is all in who you tell. Some folks I wouldn't tell what I'd had for breakfast, others, I am not afraid to talk openly with.

My side of the family suspects, but I have shamed them all (Gossip? You guys aren't above that?) into dropping it.

Spoomonkey

[iapr]

Our take on it is matters of sex and romance and the like are personal and private regardless if you are a hard core lifestyler or the most uptight and traditional of vanilla. We have not told anyone outside of the LS and do not intend to ever do so. It is not an issue of shame at all but it is a matter of discretion and privacy that everyone swinger and vanilla alike should be afforded.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by iapr

Our take on it is matters of sex and romance and the like are personal and private regardless if you are a hard core lifestyler or the most uptight and traditional of vanilla. We have not told anyone outside of the LS and do not intend to ever do so. It is not an issue of shame at all but it is a matter of discretion and privacy that everyone swinger and vanilla alike should be afforded.

Just to clarify earlier comments because I somewhat read your comments as that perhaps our disclosure to a select few is a matter of violating our partner(s) privacy or choice of discretion.

It's not like we are telling these select few who we do or don't do - we only disclose that we personally are into alternative lifestyles. We have only disclosed that we do swing to a few - but not identities of those we swing with. The others' privacy and discretion remains intact.

Your mileage obviously varies, but did want to clarify that we violate no one's privacy by outing ourselves to those we choose.

[DGrey]

A few of our vanilla friends know. If people were to ever ask, we wouldn't lie to them about it.

E

[iapr]

Originally Posted by rpu3

Just to clarify earlier comments because I somewhat read your comments as that perhaps our disclosure to a select few is a matter of violating our partner(s) privacy or choice of discretion.

It's not like we are telling these select few who we do or don't do - we only disclose that we personally are into alternative lifestyles. We have only disclosed that we do swing to a few - but not identities of those we swing with. The others' privacy and discretion remains intact.

Your mileage obviously varies, but did want to clarify that we violate no one's privacy by outing ourselves to those we choose.

No worrys at all, your post had no corralelation what so ever with mine.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by DGrey

A few of our vanilla friends know. If people were to ever ask, we wouldn't lie to them about it.

E

We have actually discussed the exact opposite of this and if we are ever directly asked about it by a traditional friend or family member just lying our butts off. We figure no matter how bad we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar if we just deny everything no matter what evidense we are confronted with people will fall in to two main catagories. The first catagory would be the people that may be titillated by what we would have to say and once they realized they weren't going to get any juicy details or answers they would just let it go.

And the other catagory would be people that would have an actual problem with it in which case they would want to believe it was not true and would want to hear a denial in the first place.

Now I realize that niether group may believe us at all and would still think whatever it is that they are going to think but that would go back to my first post in that it is a private matter to begin with and none of their buisiness.

[WesternSwing]

We've told some friends. In fact two of them come to parties and off-premise clubs with us although they don't participate. They like the open, sexy, safer atmosphere of a swingers party as opposed to going to a popular night club.

As far as family? Mrs. WS's dad knows. He's an ex-hippy and to him it's all good as long as we're happy. Her mom hasn't been present in her life since she was 15, so we aren't concerned about her. I think my dad knows since my ex-step-brother and his wife have an open relationship and have had poly relationships at times, even bringing their third to Holiday family gatherings. They know about us also. My mom passed away a few years back and we got into the lifestyle after that occured. The rest of my family doesn't know.

Mr. WS

[dayhiker]

Hi,
My wife and I don't swing. But I asked her if she was interested a couple years back. This really upset her. At the time I'd not studied what the Bible said about poly, sex and marriage that much
So I did my studing the way I always study a topic. To my surprise I cam to believe that God didn't have a problem with swinging. So I told my wife that. Then I told the pastors at church. This bothered my wife even more. Even tho I told her I'd never ask her to swing again.
Well, just last mouth she asked me to write a letter to our family were I was to tell them all this as she felt that people were blaming her for our problems. Well, personally I don't have any problem with her believing that God considers swinging a sin. Any way I wrote the letter so now about anyone that wants to ask what's going on in my life knows.
I'd say I'm glad I've told people. I don't think I told people the right way every time. The pastors at the church think I'm a little crasy, but we have had some great Bible discussion.
As always this is a really simple version of what is going on in my life and my wife's life. But its been interesting seeing that many people have been able to handle it in a way. As most of the people around us are CHristians and know that I've studied the Bible and don't just make up idea, they have a certian respect for my knowledge. ow every its bothering the wife quite a bit that I've changed my theology.

there's a differant story!
dayhiker

[flirty]

I'm open for the most part, I choose friends that think more like me so that makes things a bit easier. My husband's co-workers and boss know nothing, but he would not lie if asked straight out. Small company and while it might make his boss look at him strange I highly doubt that it would cost him his job.

Most of my family knows that I am at least poly and some know the full story; the exception being my father and step-mother; my father hardly knows anything about my life (his choice) my step-mother tries to keep the connection open but she would never understand as she is a super prude. My mother told me I take after her lol. My oldest daughter knows everything and is one of my closest confidants and I hers. Her and her husband have also visited some clubs in CA. We might end up visiting the same club now that they have moved back east and made an agreement to let the other know because at this point we'd prefer not to show up on the same night. (mostly because she would be uncomfortable with my hubby there, she views him in a father role)

Hubby's family on the other hand know nothing about most of our private lives and we have worked hard to slowly come to that point. They have been very nosey about thier son's life and preachy when they felt he wasn't living exactly how they felt he should, even so far as chastitizing him for how we spend our money. They have pretty meuch learned not to ask me anything they aren't fully sure they want to know the true answer to, as I REFUSE to lie. WE don't want to hurt them, they will take his rejection of their teachings personally. At the same time we will not lie if asked directly, but we will not volunteer the information either. They know we had "friends" come visit us from out of state, and that we chat with them and talk to them on the phone.

[ohash01]

Like Mrs. Spoo's mom, mine is also a riot. She knows. I told her openly. She followed that up with a "yeah...(the guy she dated for a while)...is into 3somes." And that's where the conversation ended cause I didn't want to know anymore. My dad will never know if I can help it...I like the fact that he thinks I'm an angel. J.'s family will also never know. His sister is snooty-stay-at-home-mom-supreme. She would look down her nose at us for the rest of our lives and I think his mom would probably cry.

One of J.'s friends knows - mainly because we swing with him. He's very good at being discrete, as we kind of have to "sneak around" when we visit him, since all of J.'s friends are tighter than most families and randomly pop in on each other.

A couple of my CLOSEST friends know. The ones that I know for a fact will ONLY talk to me about it and not yap to other friends. I can't tell my best girl-friend. She's a good little Catholic girl and may pass out. I actually have one friend that I think is now considering swinging because of talking to me.

If someone straight-up asked me...I'd have to consider carefully who it was doing the asking to decide whether to be honest about it or not. Some of my friends I would trust with my life and all my secrets...and others are more superficial friends who are fun, but I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw.

[Miss_Piggy]

Oddly, in the beginning we were more open than we are now.
I think we were so excited and also a little confused that we wanted to talk to our close friends about what we were going through.
We didn't tell everyone we knew or anything - just close friends. However, some friends turned out to be less close than we had thought. Some gossiping picked up. Some friends decided to disappear based on that gossip... other friends, who offered their support, became closer. There were positives and negatives to the whole fiasco.

Now, we follow more of a "tell when asked directly" strategy. We're not at all ashamed, but we don't want to put ourselves at risk of more drama with our friends. Really, it's none of their business.

[BradAndJanet]

We've told two friends. Got one positive reaction and one negative. We don't tell anyone anymore, 'cause there's really no reason for us to.

-B