What is Cheating When You're a Swinger?

[SweetSexyTexan]

Hi Everybody,
I have been reading everyones thoughts and I would like express my own as well. I believe that the key is omission. I am sure that every couple is different. Their veiws on what is and isn't acceptable vary but it is the omission itself that I would consider cheating. As a couple one enters this lifestyle together to expand and further explore thier love for one another. If both consent then it is ok. I believe that it is when one is decietful about it that it is wrong.
As far as the pornography question goes. I don't think it is cheating, unless it causes friction or insecurity issues in the relationship. I believe that sometimes we do need our space to self explore. I feel that self exploration will only add to our knowledge and confidence. I know that there were times I didn't necesarily want to have sex, I just wanted to Masterbate.... What's wrong with that?

[clutch]

I agree with almost all of the comments; we've spent a lot of time on this definition as have a lot of others.

But we regard cheating (adultry) as any violation of the spoken or unspoken agreements between a couple. These can be modified or changed over time to fit a new situation, or to experiment, but nonetheless, they shouldn't be violated as a rule.

We once swung with a couple who had an open marriage model. We swing together. They were together when we swang (swang?) with them, but then they started calling wanting to date us seperately. So we agreed to try it, and we very much didn't like it--both in the moment and afterwards.

We didn't fight about it or distrust each other; we just didn't enjoy it. Part of why we swing is to vicariously enjoy each other's pleasure with someone else or the orgy factor.

So, while we had agreed on going on this date the one time, we realized we didn't want to, so we decided, between us, that we wouldn't do it. Hence, if one or the other of us did it now, we'd be violating our agreement, trust and possibly harming our relationship.

On the other hand, there are several messages about couples who love to do this and are fine with it. And that's the way it should be. Each couple owns their own relationship; each couple sets their own standards.

[riswingcpl]

Originally Posted by clutch

Part of why we swing is to vicariously enjoy each other's pleasure with someone else or the orgy factor.

Bingo! We enjoy watching each other's pleasure almost as much as our own.

[rebelnangel]

i think if you set certain rules down about your lifestyle,then by breaking them that is cheating.as long as my hubby is honest,up front,truthful and doesn't hide anything,then we're fine.but the minutes the honesty stops,we would have a problem.....which has never happened....

[randdypop]

only cheating if dune without u or by his or her self

[kywife4two]

Anything done without the other present.

[sereneiders]

I guess there could be many difinitions among us as members answering this post, but I believe there's a common ground: cheating would be to break whatever commitment you already made up, hidding this from your spouse.

For vanilla couples it's easy because they stick to a seldom pre-defined commitment. Marriage votes makes it explicit.

When we swing, we give up certain rules, but it doesn't mean we're throwing all the rules into the toilet. We enforce some of the rules we already had, because we understood those are the really valuable ones, and replace some other rules by ones we develop for ourselves. Thus, if you break the rules you set up for yourself, and if you do it behind your spouse's back... then, you're cheating.

[Spoomonkey]

How many here play Monopoly with "Free Parking" being like hitting a little lottery? I know I do! Cha-CHING!!! I love it!

Of course, I am well aware that the "official" rules actually address this - and "Free Parking" is not like hitting a slot machine. It is actually just a space that you can land on without consequence and without reward. No money from the middle of the board, no nothing. It is just a space where you can sit.

Still we play the game with "Free Parking" paying off - based on our own self-defined house rules. Everyone agrees to the house rules and it makes the game more fun for everyone playing. So - when I land on "Free Parking" - my wife and kids may get frustrated that I just got a bundle of money, but I am playing by the rules - OUR rules.

Now let me ask you - am I cheating? Am I cheating because I am not playing by the "official" Monopoly Tournament rules? Have I cheated because I transgressed the lines of someone else's rules? Or have I not cheated because I have stayed clearly within the boundaries of our own, family-agreed-upon "house rules"?

Swinging is "house rules". No - it isn't within the social rule set; the social norms. Yes it is definitely a home made "game twist".

In most ways, our marriage is just like everyone else who has a strong, faithful, honest, communicative, laughing-tickling-giggling marriage. Just like in most ways our Monopoly games look like those crazy tournament games. But we have a subtle twist that makes it just a little more fun

So - cheating would be stepping outside of the "house rules" that we - as a family - have established. That would mean slipping a $500 out of the bank when no one else is looking, moving your piece one extra space to avoid Park Place because no one else is counting, or sneaking around our spouse's back to set up liaisons with playmates...

Cheating is stepping out of the rules that we as a family have decided makes Monopoly fun; regardless of what rules others have. And cheating is stepping outside of the rules and boundaries that we, as a couple, have established to expand our marital fun.

Whether that means always playing together - always answering e-mail as a team - not giving out cell numbers to the opposite sex... Whatever rules that WE have put in place to make this work and get us to the other side of this adventure together - regardless of how much those differ from the rest of the world or other swingers - when either of us steps outside of those, we have cheated...

And the game has soured...

And "Free Parking" won't pay out anymore...

Spoomonkey

[Tia Vampire]

you can't stop anyone from cheating on you or while they are with you. if your other has it in thier mind to do it, best believe me, it's going to be done with or without your knowledge. yes it hurts, but it is reality.

[JustAskJulie]

It's interesting to think that what we view as cheating is largely based on how we were raised. Some swingers can justify swinging together as not cheating but they can't justify swinging seperately because to them that crosses the line of cheating (they aren't together). Others are ok as long as both partners know what is going on in advance.... others are ok with anything so long as they are honest after the fact. Some are ok with anything knowledge or not because they feel that since both partners have agreed upfront it's all ok.

I do think it goes to that last sentance, cheating within a swinging relationship to me would be anything that the couple has not already agreed is ok.

[cubnamy1995]

Couldn't agree more.

[sweet_tna]

For me, cheating is doing anything without the knowledge and consent of my partner (Mr. Sweet). Does that change because we're swinging? No, but it also means we won't swing with anyone without their partner's knowledge and consent.

=)

[lickercabinet]

I think cheating in this lifestyle is just as painful as in monogamous relationships. Cheating isn't really about sex so much as it is about betrayal. When a couple is swinging together, it is (or should be) done with the consent and knowledge of the other partner. When one of the partners goes beyond that trust and cheats, it is a betrayal.

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

For me, cheating is doing anything without the knowledge and consent of my partner (Mr. Sweet). Does that change because we're swinging? No, but it also means we won't swing with anyone without their partner's knowledge and consent.

=)

I couldnt say it better.

To add something though, for me it would be a double betrayal. All she would have to do is ask and let mer watch and the permission would be hers and she knows it. So it would be twice as bad.

[Trace Ekies]

I agree with Ed.

Why not just ask? We're already crossing the physical boundary when playing with others so I will more than likely agree to anything she asks. The fact that she would do something without my knowledge based on the above makes it worse to me.

As an aside, if I thought she would be angry if I said no to a request we wouldn't be swinging in the first place.

Trace