What is Cheating When You're a Swinger?

[looking2swing]

Do you think that we as swingers have a more open view on what is cheating than do non-swingers? Would you consider it cheating to view porn (or for your partner to view porn) without your knowledge? to masturbate without you there or knowing?

I do not feel that looking at porn is cheating. It could be a problem if the other person selects to masturbate instead of being intimate with their partner. But to masturbate and watch porn is not cheating. In our relationship the only acceptable form of play is when the other person is present. I would feel that my partner has cheated if they had become either emotionally or physically involved with another person.

[pairbond]

For us, it would only be cheating if one of us had sex with someone else and kept it a secret from the other of us. We have even gone so far as to agree that it's OK to have sex with someone without advance knowledge of the other, so long as we tell each other about it afterward and at least share the excitement of the story-telling!

[SluttyWife]

Originally Posted by Cheekyimp1

Well with us cheating means not telling the other we've had sex with someone else. Hubby and I only swing together though after learning that he can't cope with me going out alone even if I tell him before that I'm going to do it and after what has happened. It's been said on here before that communication is the key to a good relationship and especially important in this lifestyle. Hubby and I discussed at length why it bothered him when I went off alone and he can't handle not know what's going on right then and there. So I've compromised and things are going very well. As for getting emotionally attached, that's a given. Don't fall in love.

I can relate to hubby's issues with exclusion. Don't we all to some extent?
So I am not at all surprised that it's going very well so far.

"Don't fall in love"...that's a whole other matter.
You just never know when love will bite you in the butt.

Slutty Wife ;-*

[Studios2go]

Personally when it comes to sex I think that both should be made aware that the intent is there, or there is a need or that the other person wants to have sex with someone else outside the marraige.
I myself have told my husband that I dont care if he has sex outside the marraige..as long as he comes home to me and knows where his heart is.

I also have told him that I really dont want to know or hear about it. So this leaves him in a spot that he does not have to ask..he does not have to worry about one thousand and one questions afterwards, and he can enjoy the sex with no worries.

My spot is that I would love to be able to do the same and have NOT been given the permission to do so by him. And.....I am really wanting to. He has told me that if I want to have sex with someone else we can sit down and talk about it...that to me sounds like a touchy scene that I would like to avoid. Approaching this subject with my husband seems to be a touchy one for me..any advice on where to start?
Studios~~>The wife

[SluttyWife]

My spot is that I would love to be able to do the same and have NOT been given the permission to do so by him. And.....I am really wanting to. He has told me that if I want to have sex with someone else we can sit down and talk about it...that to me sounds like a touchy scene that I would like to avoid. Approaching this subject with my husband seems to be a touchy one for me..any advice on where to start?
Studios~~>The wife

My dear if you have been able to extend/bestow such love and freedom
to your husband I see no real need to ask. Ideally he would have assumed
the same for you but clearly he hasn't.
It doesn't sound like there is any way to get around the "touchy"
aspect of what's to come sooo have you asked yourself what the worse-case
scenario might be should you gather up the courage to ask? Are you prepared to stand up and be ready to face the ramifications of getting just what you want? If he disagrees...what next?

Slutty Wife ;-*

[Dr Jekyll]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I think it would be if you hid it and if it interfered with your relationship. In other words, if your wife came home, but you were too worn out to spend time with her because you had spent the evening with Jenna Jameson - well, you have certainly cheated her out of something...

A big Dito on that one... Well said Spoo.

I think the OP and Mrs Spoomonkey hit on an interesting point though: Would it hurt you more or less if you found out that your significant other have been cheating? I tend to say it would hurt more. Simply because swingers need to have more trust and better communication, and by staying within the swinging community and misleading your partner you uphold the image of trust and communication he/she's expecting of you while misleading him/her.

Obviously the higher the fall, the more it hurts...

[lcjtsd]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I have to agree that the lack of knowledge is the key to what is cheating.

My hubby and I have pretty much full freedom to do what either of us wants. The one rule is that we tell each other what happened. We don't necessarily have to call up beforehand and say "this is what I'm going to do" or even immideately after it's done. So long as when we get home we spill the details... which is usually followed by great sex.

So if one of us came up from a trip or something and had done something while away and didn't tell, then the other found out later that something had happened. That would be cheating and yes it would hurt.

Dito Dito Couldn't have said this better.

[pairbond]

We also totally agree with the previous posts. It's only cheating if we hide what we did from each other. Anything we do is just fine so long as we share the experience verbally afterward.

[Dryon]

for us to lie is to cheat not so much the knowing or not knowing it only matters if you actually lie about it

[riswingcpl]

To us, cheating is having sex of any kind with another person (or people) without the other half knowing and approving. If we're both OK with whatever it is, it's not cheating, it's swinging. If either of us is going into a situation where something is likely to happen, we'd give/get the OK ahead of time...but in reality, we rarely go anywhere alone that there is much of a chance of that happening.

[MrXxotic]

I have to agree with riswingcpl.

I was going to say almost exactly the same thing so I won't repeat it.

[JTcamp05]

Good topic..interesting to see others view's.....


We are adults and our marriage is important to us....but we wouldn't let sex destroy our relationship. We have no rules reguarding cheating. If she or I wish to have an encounter that is our decision.

We both have had this type of encounter and will share the details if the subject comes up. It has taken time to get to this point, but its a much easier way to live. No control issues here!!!!

[Amanda69]

Yes I agree if your partner is having sex with others without your knowledge, then that is definately cheating.

But what if they are having sex with others with your knowledge but without your agreement. eg. you go to a party and for some reason, against what is agreed upon, your partner goes off and has sex with another person. Maybe they do this repeatedly? Is this cheating? I think so. Anything that goes outside the boundaries that a couple sets for itself could easily fit in the category of cheating. comments????

And, does cheating carry with it the same gut-wrenching pain stigma that it did when we were practicing traditional monogomy? Damned straight it does.

[gatorvol64]

[Dooode]

I define cheating strictly as a marital betrayal of trust.

He/she trusted you to maintain a sexual code within your marriage, be it monogamy or othewise, and you betrayed that code by acting outside that code without either their knowledge nor their conscent.

Now IF you had their conscent beforehand, it wouldn't be cheating.

If they did know but didn't conscent, they will feel betrayed.

If they didn't know and didn't conscent, it's cheating (yes, a noise is still made in the forest, even if no one's there to hear it).

If they would otherwise conscent but didn't know, it's closer to breaking the code, but it's still cheating until approval is given, even after the fact.