What is Cheating When You're a Swinger?

[incommunicado]

I've been over and over it in my head. For better or worse, the parts of cheating that matter to me (mostly the sex organs that should be mine and mine alone, not to be entered by any other) don't matter any more, so cheating can't hurt me.

To that end, I might just say, did you have a good time honey? Would you please just call next time?

[TNT]

I have to agree with sexypairca, cheating is a deception, a blatant disregard for the rules and a total breach of trust.

Our rules are we NEVER play alone. So, if he was to cheat...yes, I would be just as devastated now as I would have been before we got into the lifestyle.

He would have broken a rule we both agreed on and he would have shown a total disregard for my feelings, not to mentioned destroying every ounce of my trust in him.

What would I do if he cheated? Hmmm...divorce would be out of the question, that would make things to easy, I would want to keep him around and make his life a living hell. Yes, I am a cold hearted bitch.

No really,lol, I'm not sure how I would handle it...being in the lifestyle might, I said might, make me a bit more understanding, I just don't know. I do know that once trust has been broken, it is never given again freely, but must be earned.

I am not a cheater. This was one of my biggest concerns when we got into the lifestyle was that I didn't want to cheat. Ted's answer to that was, "If I'm there with you, how are you cheating?" And he was right, I have never once felt like I was cheating or that he was cheating on me.

I can also see how this would be true with those couples that do play separately, if you know about it and agree to it and no rules are being broken, then your not cheating.

Teresa

[dave_susie2001]

This is a complicated issue as demonstrated by the excellent posts on this thread.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here... But like every other acpect of the lifestyle, this is subjective. It's different for every couple and even every half of a couple.

Just like everyone else, we have discovered that the longer we continue swinging, our rules change as we mature. We started out with the same insecurities that everyone else had in the beginning. Will she like the other guy better than me? Will my wife do something to him that she doesn't like to do to me? And the most important (but the silliest of all) does he have a bigger dick than me? These issues seem silly now, but believe me...when you're considering your very first encounter, they are HUGELY important.

Susie and I have a bond that I have never felt with anyone else ever before. That includes every past girlfriend and even surpasses any feeling I ever had for my exwife. We choose to swing together. Not because of any insecurity issues, but because our greatest pleasure is watching each other with someone else.

Yes, sex is just sex. But if I or Susie were to go off and have sex without the other, we WOULD feel betrayed because the reason we have sex with other people is for the pleasure of our spouse. Of course, it feels good and we have fun too! But that's just my opinion...I could be wrong.

[MIbbwcpl]

For us, we'd actually have to completely develope a relationship w/ another person emotionally in order to cheat. I would actually go as far as to say it'd be an affair.

[JJFLC]

My personal opinion is that cheating is anything you do without your partner. Making this a lifestyle means (to me) that you have to do everything together almost like monogomy but with some variety that can only work, I think, if you are committed to eachother and are not given freedom to have separate lives.

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by incommunicado

Would you be more mad/disappointed then anything else? Would you just shrug it off? Or, would it carry the same betrayel of trust that it would in a more traditional, monogomous relationship, with the same potential repercussions?

Mad, disappointed... yes... and just as gut-wrenching. You can't just shrug it off and yes, it's very much the same betrayel in a monogamous relationship. Cheating's not about sex, it's about trust and the trust that has been broken. It still puts the relationship through turmoil. I've been cheated on in every relationship I've had. Getting over the sex isn't as bad for me, getting over the broken trust and trusting again is the hard part.

[knkyPAcpl]

I was wondering if I would see this topic here. I just joined the board today. My wife and I have been swinging for 8 years and have had alot of wonerful experiences together. We originally got into the lifesyle during conversation of being with other peole, a conversation that ultimately led to her admission of infidelity. My initial reaction was the normal and expected one but after alot of soul seaching and her telling me that it only strengthened her love for me, I came to the decision that swinging would be good for us. During all the talking about how and who and where and why I made it clear that if I were to find out that she had done anything else behind my back I would divorce her. I had never considered doing it myself so I expected the same consideration. After 15 years of marriage and the 8 spent swinging I found out that she had. Unfortunately the person who told me was the woman we have been living with for the past year. I was sworn to secrecy, not to tell my wife how I found out. So my knowledge was based largely on suspicion based on an email I found among other things, but no concrete evidence. She completely denies actually doing anything, not knowing that I actually do know. She claims the thought was there, plans were made but nothing actually happened. I can't betray the trust shown in me by the person who told me as it would ruin the friendship she has with my wife.
I'm not really asking whether I'm doing the right thing, just other people's opinion
thanks

[nicecpl89511]

Cheating is not telling your partner beforehand and not getting concurrence.

In saying that I had a bi relationship (my first) with a friend of ours when Joe was traveling. I was fairly certain that when I went to Linda's apartment that "something" was going to happen. I suspected that she and her husband were swingers, because of the art work in their apartment.

he experience was wonderful, but I felt really guilty and was very worried about Joe's reaction. I had cheated. Linda told me that Joe would be OK with it.

I told Joe three days later when he returned home. I could not bear to tell him over the telephone. I was very nervous about the whole affair. I made Joe a large martini before I told him. (I had several glasses of wine.) Joe took it stride. Later Linda and Tony introduced us to swinging. Joe admitted that he probably would not have been so accepting if I had fucked Tony instead of Linda.

Although Joe was accepting and we now swing I still feel that I cheated and I broke trust even if everything turned out OK.

Wanda

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

I have to agree with everyone else. Cheating in the lifestyle is about deception and broken trust. The thing is in the lifestyle we can have sex with who we want (allowing for veto rights). If you sneak to be with someone behind each others back to me that means you feel something for that person more than just having sex with a play partner. So in addition to the broken trust there is the feeling of a lost connection.... a stolen heart of your spouse or SO. I think it would hurt worse for me in our current situation then in a monogamous one.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[CosmoGirl]

Thanks for this thread. I was wondering what constitutes cheating now that we are swinging. I always said that cheating was doing anything that you wouldn't do when your SO was there but that theory is completly out the window now.

-CosmoGirl

[JustAskJulie]

I was listening to a radio show today where the host basically said that he felt that a partner looking at porn without his/her partners knowledge was cheating. This threw me and made me wonder, ok then so is it cheating to masturbate?

Do you think that we as swingers have a more open view on what is cheating than do non-swingers? Would you consider it cheating to view porn (or for your partner to view porn) without your knowledge? to masturbate without you there or knowing?

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Would you consider it cheating to view porn (or for your partner to view porn) without your knowledge? to masturbate without you there or knowing?

I think it would be if you hid it and if it interfered with your relationship. In other words, if your wife came home, but you were too worn out to spend time with her because you had spent the evening with Jenna Jameson - well, you have certainly cheated her out of something...

Typically, we either masturbate together or we tell each other that we are going to or just did...

Spoomonkey

[curiousduo30]

Dito to what Spoo said....

However, we don't always tell each other if we have watched porn or masturbated...it has never interfered with wanting to have sex with each other so it is not an issue for us.

I would like to add that my ex used to watch porn after I had gone to sleep and then instead of masturbating, would wake me up to have sex with him.
On the one hand, I felt like that was a good thing because at least I got to be involved but on the other I felt betrayed because he never asked if I wanted to watch with him so I did not get the "foreplay" if you will, that is involved when Mr.CD30 and I watch together so I felt kinda left out....and to a degree used as just a piece of a**. Unfortunately (for him) I was too young to understand and communicate these feelings to him and we eventually divorced for many reasons, not excluding the total lack of communication on both our parts...
Fortunately (for me) I met my soul mate and have had nothing but good experiences with him as a whole so far. So I guess it is all in your perception and communication levels with each other....

[intuition897]

I think the problem with that couple, Julie, is that they're on two totally different pages about sex. That's probably what causes most of the stress in a marriage: not being on the same page as your spouse. Her standards of what cheating is or is not (and to her, cheating definitely includes looking at porn) are unreasonably stringent to her husband. Trouble is, he does need to respect her feelings on the matter. The only answer for them would be to get on the same page, and discuss why she is so offended by his looking at porn, because that standard is unhealthy. As long as he's going about it in a healthy manner, the problem lies with her. So she would need to start asking herself some tough questions: why do I feel so strongly about this? What is his offense? Why do I feel like he likes those women better than me?

Is it cheating? In her mind, yes, and until that changes, it is cheating. Ok, the first time she caught him whacking off to porn it was a misunderstanding, but if he's hidden it from her after that instead of discussing their differing opinion on the matter, then that constitutes cheating. Cheating is anything that a person does secretively, that they KNOW their spouse would be hurt by.

[xxoticangel]

When does swinging become cheating? When the SO does not know about it!!!!

This is pretty much it. He has told me I could play with anyone I want as long as I tell him about it either before it happens or immediately after.