What sort of relationship do you look for when you swing?

[leftcoastcouple]

In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex.

Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate.

For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really.

So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.

I'm a bit nervous about doing this, since after a year and a half I've yet to post my own poll but have watched the complications of not getting one just right. Hope it works!

[BradAndJanet]

Our opinion on this has evolved as we have gained more experience. LC, I think we're about where you are on the question of friendships. We've found that we like the idea of going to the club, meeting someone we hit it off with and having sex. If more of a friendship develops from there, that's fine, but it's not necessary. As you say, 'dating' first seems like an unnecessary complication.

-B

We prefer not to establish a friendship, long term speaking. Though we will under the right circumstances but we proceed slowly in inviting someone into our vanilla world. Things can go from fun to drama quick.

There has to be some connection though. We don't just meet & fuck with out regard to any sort of attraction or chemistry.

[wiscpl]

We prefer to establish a friendship of somesort but not something that is drawn out to the nth degree. If we meet someone and we like them then we will let things proceed. We have come to realize that a majority of people are in this for the sex and thats all. Fine, we're adults and can handle it just don't kiss and tell. We've maintained a vanilla relationship with a couple we stopped playing with two years ago. And we've been a few notches in the bed post for some. We have to say the part we dislike is the is those who prove the world is really flat and drop off the face of the earth. Hope they have a nice fall.

[bear_n_bunny]

Having done a bit of pondering myself on the subject of friends first, I have to wonder about semantics. Just as there are many different types of love and hate, there are many types of friends. In mine and Bear's case, we have to enjoy their company, at least long enough to get to the naked part. It helps if there is some wit and intelligence. It's also great to have stuff to talk about in between the naked part. Plus, we liked them to be people we want to spend time with again.

For me, it is about on par with people who I go to lunch with at work. Have switch jobs twice in the last year, I can tell you just how fleeting those friendships tend to be. While we do have friendships now from swinging, where we have gone on weekend outings, that has never really been the goal. So, when the term "friends first is used" what sort of friends are we talking about? The kind to split a pizza with, or the kind to name god parents to kids?

-- Bunny

[good times]

Your poll didn't have the answer that really applys to us. We prefer to meet for sex, if it goes on to become friendship that is fine with us. We have met a number of peolpe for sex since getting into the lifestyle, of those only one couple has gone on to become friends that we also have sex with.

[jcbicouple]

We voted for "prefer not to establish a friendship, but not out of the question". We have established some "club" friends, but keep all contact to on line, or visits to the club. We prefer to keep our home life seperated from our play life. We'd have to say that one night stands outnumber repeat playmates, although we've found ourselves getting together with certain people at the club we attend more often lately. We definitely aren't opposed to one time meetings. It is important that there is a connection, and an ability to carry on a conversation, but for us, there is no need to establish a friendship, or to maintain contact.

[Dynamar]

Right now, with very little experience to back it up... I would say "prefer not to establish a friendship, but not out of the question." If it's working, and everyone wants to see each other again (and again), then chances are bonds of a certain degree will develop. Ask me again in a year, though, because I reserve the right to change my mind!

[todesireu]

Hare rarely jumped into bed with anyone without getting to know them first. Nothing long, drawn out like a series of "dates" before we play, but more than a five minute what do you like, let's f&#k.

[hilltop]

Hi guys . . .

My approach is to take each situation as it comes. Some are very specific about how they want to "work up to it" and if it seems that there are too many hoops (i.e. dates & get comfortable get togethers) then I'll politely decline. I've made what I thought were friendships with playmates then the drama began and I've also met folks who I maintain an enjoyable level of contact with.
As with all things . . . it comes down to the individual. For me it's OK either way.
Just be who you are and be kind to each other.

[couplefromma]

We always take the approach friends first everything else second. We like to feel comfortable with the people we are with and we also feel the better you know someone, the better the trust. The trust leads to more interesting scenarios which make it even more fun.

[Alura]

Our preference over all is to make friends to play with. We have, however, had sex with a couple as a part of getting to know them. It seems to have worked pretty well, both in the times we continued to play with the couple for long periods of time and those we didn't.

Alura

[Just_us49]

When we first started swinging we would read ads that said "friends first" and we would say to each other "friends first?, hell no, we just want to have sex with them!" But the further we have gotten into this we have found that, for us, there has to be some level of "friendship" (as shallow as it may be) for the bedroom time to be really exciting. We have done it both ways: met someone at the club and a little bit later went upsatirs and played, were disappointed that the time was not great. As a matter of fact it sucked compared to the times when we have spent a little time getting to know each other. I don't mean we talk about work, kids, family and what kind of cars we drive. We might talk about those things, but we don't have too. Mostly we talk about how we got involved with the lifestyle, what kind of things we are into, what makes us especially turned on, experiences we've had, ect. There is definately a difference between vanilla friends that are part of your everyday life and swinger friends that know about the part of your life that none of your vanilla friends know about. Even though swinger friends rarely know more about me than the swinging stuff I feel like they know me better because they know my secret! Does that make sense? We are starting to think we would like to find a few couples that we could be both kinds of friends with. I think if you find couples that are mature and happy in their marriage you wouldn't have the "drama" that I hear some of you talk about.

-M

[sc4play]

We look at this lifestyle,whatever happen's,happen's.If we make some friend's along the way,it's icing on the cake.We have meet some really goodfriend's in this lifestyle.Then again we have meet people who just feel off the face of the earth.

[sweet_tna]

We don't have to be friends to play with a couple, but it seems to work out that way more often than not. And when it genuinely works out, it's icing on the cake.

=)