Married Males - What's your Status?

[corkwan]

hmm, old threads revived... but this one covers me. although no poll options do.

i'm married, have swung with my wife, and suffered a rather unpleasant backlash from it, and are no longer swinging. the backlash is here: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...ad.php?t=15407

as julie pointed out the first day i posted here, i am cheating by reading this board. i'm living vicariously through others, or am i? i still have a desire to play with other people, but i have a stronger desire to repair my relationship with my wife.

i went through a rather tough time trying to reconcile these conflicting desires. i've come to terms with it based on the fact that i think it is ok to read these boards, and think about both the good and bad aspects of swinging, while not engaging in it. i have told my wife about my reading and posting, and she says she is ok with that, although i did pick up some level of discomfort.

a few weeks ago, i was away from home. i stayed with a couple who were definitely interested in playing. i discussed group sex with them, and their own issues in the past, and how they were coping. i discussed our past, and where i was at. that i appreciated the good/bad aspects of swinging, but that at this time, it was not ok for me to play. i have never cheated on my wife, i would rather leave her than betray her. and i don't want to leave her.

our relationship is still suffering, however. sex is a problem. it is really hard for me, to think that we used to have such great communication, and now we have trouble relaxing and when we do have troubles, it is really hard to talk about it, as hurt feelings and insecurities well up.

i'm sorry if this post is depressing. it is a depressing situation. why do i continue to read here, because i am fascinated by human sexuality, and swinging is very interesting in how it brings out all sorts of issues relating to our sexuality. i really believe that a strong swinging relationship is healthy as it makes a couple come to terms with trust and security in their relationship. i envy those that have found this.

all said and done, i'm open minded about our future. i don't think swinging is the only way forward. i don't subconsciously resent my wife for stopping. i feel bad for the hurt. i'm ok with living a happy boring life... but it is very hard (for both of us) to go from a supercharged sex life to one of guilt and bad feelings. we are trying, perhaps too hard, perhaps too much pressure, to make things better. it is a painful process, but i hope that it will make us stonger in the future.

i hope you swinging couples don't mind my hanging out here. i feel it is more representative to have people contribute who have had bad experiences as much as those who have 'rose tinted lenses'.... i wish for the rest of you that you avoid the rocks.

[NiceOlderGuy52]

I would be curious to know how many married females are cheating on their husbands? If there is not as many females as men cheating, then maybe we need to look deeper then 19th, 20th, and 21st century values and morales. Maybe it's more prehistoric and darwinian, possibly a male genetic thing. What puts us above most animals, or makes us better (supposedly). Is it a conscience, or compaasion, or the ability to make intelligent choices (hopefully)? Is our so called animal instinctiveness something many males have a hard time controlling? Maybe all the people who have partners that agree to the lifestyle are super lucky people. What if they had partners who didn't agree with the lifestyle, would they sneak around and try to fulfill whatever inner needs/desires they feel they need to have fufilled? Some will and of course some won't. It's their personal decision and one they will have to live with. Hopefully that decision won't hurt someone else they love.

[jstlkng]

my wife has always led a suppressed sex life. felt that sex was ok, but it was always up to me to initiate it. she never says she is interested, but has the most intense orgasms you could imagine. its almost like she hands out sex to me as if it were a reward for acting the way she likes me to. maybe i'm wrong to feel this way but i think sex is all about fun and pleasure and love is all about relationships and careing for each other...each is not mutually exclusive of the other but a loving relationship can be quite sexless...i have a male friend whom i love deeply and would do anything for him...except sex...never never never. on the other hand i have sex with my wife because its fun and also because i love her and want her to be happy. but if she told me we would never have sex again i would still love her and care for her and provide her with all the love i have in my heart. all that to say, how do i get it across to her that swinging is for fun/pleasure and our relationship doesn't depend on it or sex of any kind.

I know 2 married men on here who has been cheating.

[JDApopka]

I know that the 1 time we played with a known married male my wife felt terrible afterwards, so since then its always been single only and I must say she can smell married online

[CS_Couple]

WE must agree with JDApopka on this one. I know my wife would feel the guilt if we had a married male join us. It would be different if his wife knew and approved but, unless she watches you never know for sure.

[Air&Patty]

We are both open to the idea of it - however actually putting it into practice is a little tricky. There are a lot of reality based speed bumbs (STD's, compatability, discretion, etc.) that are getting in the way.

-Air

[Callie]

I have a friend who's married the person she's cheating with is married also they been at it for 5 years,he wants her to remain faithful while he goes out and cheat with another woman."shaken head" solve that.

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by corkwan

i hope you swinging couples don't mind my hanging out here. i feel it is more representative to have people contribute who have had bad experiences as much as those who have 'rose tinted lenses'.... i wish for the rest of you that you avoid the rocks.

I for one do not mind... nor do I consider you a "cheater" ... you do not lie to yourself to justify behavior and you put your wife and marriage first... that is very honorable... reading and participating in this board is not .. Infidelity.. Pretending you are a single man and using this board to try and hook up with couples without telling them you are married...IS CHEATING. You are not doing that.


Having said that... I really thought about this question and went back through my journals and realized Mr. Body did do some things to help me become comfortable with this...

He really introduced me to porn... other than playboy (when I was 14 ,reading those , late at night after the kids I baby sat were long in bed, is were I got my idea of female sensuality and how I was to look). He sent me the link to the huns yellow pages and I started surfing.

He would send me little links in e-mail of really hot pics, now and then, as foreplay. At first just beautiful erotica of women and then couple pics ...very sensual and very artsy... ones were the woman was the star and obviously enjoying herself. They would always say… she reminds me of you… or this girl has the sensuality of you.

Then I found some pics of mfm threesomes, and one clip with Monique St Jacques that really got me going. So he started sending me mfm clips and then ffm threesomes... etc...as my appetite and interest grew... and it always ended with us having really hot sex as a couple- with no mention of adding anyone or swinging.

Then when I mentioned it one night he did research and found this board and being the egg head that I am... research appeals to me. So we spent a year reading (and having great sex with each other) and I learned it was not what I thought it was. I was able to see the community for what it is. ( Invite them to read this board...archived posts as well... the ones were we riled against cheaters... interviews ....select ones that pertain to whatever her/ his fears and intersts are)

I was able to learn from others what to watch out for and see that most of the couples here valued honesty, communication and their marriages MORE than anywhere else I had ever been.

IT TOOK 2 YEARS... before we decided to give it a try and that was me with another woman... then a while longer and we tried soft swap.

My Point?

HE GAVE ME THE TIME I NEEDED... that really let me know it was not about him getting what he wanted... I didn't feel used or rushed...

All good things ...

So if I have any advice for those who would like to try this and haven't a clue how to bring it up... it would be to

BE PATIENT

Entice your mate- don't rush them... and be prepared to perhaps only live this out as a fantasy. You have to accept the fact that not everyone can handle this. Oddly only those with really strong unions were communication rules and the two of you are REALLY SECURE in the belief that you are loved and cherished above all else...survive or thrive. It seems Counterintuitive (to what I had assumed) but it is valid.

If you push too hard... she/he will feel railroaded and it may likely have the opposite effect of that you had desired.

I hope that helps… it is as honest of an answer as I can give… best wishes

Ms Bodyscape

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by NiceOlderGuy52

I would be curious to know how many married females are cheating on their husbands? .

I hate to burst your bubble...but according to a recent 20/20 report on this subject... 50% of all marriages now end in divorce and the main reason is infidelity, and women are about even in that respect with the men.

The sexual revolution has turned the "nice little woman" into the equal of the "traditional male" in almost every aspect.

not all of them... honorable.

~Cat

[pistol pete]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

The other 70% are cheating, but I doubt they answer the poll honestly, and I would expect nothing less.

I'll raise my hand as being one of those married men at issue in this topic.

Having learned (the hard way) about when to disclose this information, its something I am very up front about from the beginning.

Its a hot issue around here, for sure.

Regards -

P.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by pistol pete

I'll raise my hand as being one of those married men at issue in this topic. Its a hot issue around here, for sure.

The swinging community is just a "canard" of the vaniilla world. In the vanilla world, you and your neighbors probably talk about most things, including who in the community is rumored to be cheating with who. Although statistics alone would indicate that there are probably some swinging couples among your social circle, you probably don't know who they are, because their secret is so tightly held. If you've read any swingers boards, you'll know that it's not unusual for 2 couples who have known each other socially for years to meet for the first time in a club, neither having previous knowledge of the others involvement in the lifestyle.

The swinging world is similar, only here, "who swings with who" is freely spoken of, while "who cheats with who" is rarely mentioned. The subject is so taboo, that men and women in the lifestyle who are having affairs, for example, are much more likely to tell a select few of their vanilla friends, than they are to tell anybody who could compromise them to the swinging world.

Taken as a group, swingers marriages fare about the same or maybe a little better than everyone else's...they've just "transposed" what they consider mortal sins to a relationship.

[pjohn]

Same here! I was into swinging with my GF before. Now My wife (not the same person) knew I am interested, she reads the board. But It takes time.

[grizz15317]

ssingle man looking no 1 ever close to me to play with any 1 close to pittsburgh pa?

[grizz15317]

o yes i 4 got my seperated wife & i do live togather but she is no longer intersted in sex dam that sucks but so i go on to fins a woman or a couple that will have sex a lot like i love lots of sex i cant never get enough thats why we split up why is it no couple will let you join in when all u want is her pleasure as well as yours i found a g/f but we r so far apart we can only meet 1 time every 2 mo. dam guess its better than nothing we hope to finaly live togather so we canplay with others like us its all about the pleasure not just mine