Does a History of Cheating Lead to Swinging?

[JustAskJulie]

Cheating seems to be the hot topic of late and some of the comments in the thread "more on cheating" made me wonder... is there some sort of connection between those who have cheated or been cheated on in the past turning to swinging in future relationships? Is it possibly some people's way of preventing cheating. Kind of like the idea that if drugs were legal we wouldn't have a drug problem in the US? Well if the acts that are usually considered cheating in a relationship are ok'ed by the parties in that relationship (thus they agree to swing), then cheating won't be a problem anymore.

Any thoughts?

[DragonsLair]

Julie,

Here's my $.02 worth. In my opinion swinging eliminates the need for cheating. You're getting the sexual variety you want without needing to cheat on your spouse. As long as the reason you're cheating is about the variety. If there's something else missing from your relationship, you probably won't find it in swinging. And cheating will continue to be a problem.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[sinc]

Swinging only becomes cheating when you keep it from your partner and when you feel guilty about what you did . If it makes you feel guilty then its cheating, at least to you.

[JustAskJulie]

Just to clarify, the topic here isn't about what is or isn't cheating when it comes to swinging couples. The topic is about how many swingers have cheated in PAST (non-swinging) relationships or have been cheated on in past (non-swinging) relationships. Even if that past relationship is your current relationship prior to incorporating swinging into it.

[sinc]

I have to admit I cheated in a past relationship. I was being accused of sleeping with a friend that I figured that if I was being accused of it then at least I should actually do it.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by sinc
I have to admit I cheated in a past relationship. I was being accused of sleeping with a friend that I figured that if I was being accused of it then at least I should actually do it.

I can understand where you are coming from there. When I was a teen I dated a guy that was extremely jealous of any time I spent with ANYONE but him and was constantly insisting that I was cheating on him. Finally I felt the exact same way you did, if I'm going to be accused of it I may as well do it.

[L&K]

This is a bit deep . From a lot of reading on this board it seems that many feel that by swinging there is no need to cheat , also several have said somthing in the order that they swing because they have cheated in the past .

There is a major element missing here . The GAME cheating is often not just about sexual pleasure . Instead it revolves around the issue of getting away with it . The game of not getting caught is more interesting then the sexual play it self .

Simply put it is a game of wits for many cheaters, much the same way a criminal will leave hints of his idenity cheaters will make calls knowing they will show up on a phone bill , many like the risk factor more so then the sex . This has somthing to do with the mental make up i guess .It is where the get there aderinnalin rush .

L&K or M&S as we were in the past . for some reason we were unable to get on the board and had to get in under a new name

[FunFLcpl]

I (the she part of us) would have to say that we began swinging because of cheating. There was no cheating in a prior relationship by either one of us, but there was cheating in our current marriage. I was the one that cheated on my wonderful husband, and he has forgiven me for the past. To an extent, I regret that portion of our lives, but that is why we began to swing. If I had told my husband of my desires instead of going behind his back, we would have been swinging a long time ago. That is where good communication would have come into play. We have become a much stronger couple because of our communication, and now we can both share in the swinging life instead of cheating. I will ad this, hubby never (and would never) go behind my back and cheat. I am just very grateful that he loved me enough (and still does) to stay with me and move passed this issue. We still talk about it to this day. It allows us to understand why it happened, and it prevents it from happening again.

[Handyman69]

Both my husband and I have felt the pain of cheating. Mine was through my parents....know its different than spouse but set the tone for how I feel about cheating. For my husband, it was his first wife that cheated. Knowing how we both feel, I know cheating will never be an issue in our marriage. We didn't get into this lifestyle quickly, it was a slow process but know neither of us feel we are cheating on each other.

Maybe you are right Julie, we are using swinging to do things that we would like do or try. In any case, don't feel the same about it as I would if Mr Handyman was doing things behind my back. They might be similar, but in my book...not the same.

Rhonda

[darling]

We began swinging because of cheating in our marriage. He cheated and told me about it immediately, because he wanted strange after 18 years of marriage. We had talked about swinging for a while before. I talked to the girl and she admitted that she had done everything to seduce him and they both agreed it was totally sexual only.

I agreed to try swinging and the funny thing is he is the one that only likes to watch me with others and doesn't have sex with others although I encourage him to as long as I am there.

[verdandi411]

i was cheated on by a fiance two months before our wedding date in 1999. more recently, i was involved in a 'fun' relationship with a guy who ended up having a serious girlfriend of three years. that ended when i found out about the girlfriend. (could it be some sort of f-d up karma?!)

i was introduced to the lifestyle by the 'fun' guy. i am fairly open to try new things - nothing too extreme - and have always been a voyuer at heart with no opportunity, so i agreed to go to a club with him to see what it was about. but as a happy medium between his interests and my limitations, we chose to be soft swap/same room only.

i agreed to swing with him, but i was (and still would be) very hesitant to go full swap for the reason that i just couldn't get myself to fuck another woman's significant other... mostly because i had been cheated on. (another reason was safety)

since me and 'fun' guy have been over, i've had offers from some couples we'd met to play with them, or even to fuck their husbands/fiances/beaus while they were out of town... having been cheated on, i have mixed issues with it. as i learned with the 'fun' guy and his girlfriend, not every relationship might be what it seems. since i HAVE been cheated on, i would never want to make anyone go through the pain that i went through, and now the pain that this girlfriend has gone through... i feel terrible about being a part of that, and how can i be sure that every swinging couple i play with is a secure happy couple?

so i'm not sure this answers your question, especially since i'm not really swinging much these days. but, yes, having been cheated on and cheated with has definitely affected my experience in the lifestyle.

much love!

[Couple42moreTN]

While I am able to understand the simple fact that there are those out there in the "swing" lifestyle that are in it for the simple reason of not being hurt again by a cheating S/O, I have to question if they are in the lifestyle for sound reasons.

I must admit that firstly as a couple whom swings that I appreciate the simple fact that I or my girlfriend are able to go out and get "strange" when ever we either one feels like it, after all, "variety is the spice of sex" as my better half would say it.

We have been together for about 2 years now, and found that we are both "VERY" into the idea of being with other people and other couples. The one thing that neither of us would do is keep a sexual encounter from the other. To be honest it would excite the other half of the relationship to know about it, so keeping it from them would be denying them a bit of personal satisfaction and sexual bliss..

I cannot deny that I love going after her after she has had a new man, and she certainly seems to love going after me when I get a new woman. So this sort of throws the idea of "cheating" out the window with our personal relationship.

In our opinion, the lifestyle of swinging has to do primarily with the sexual aspect of things, it is not based in love. When one realizes that sex is one of our animalistic functions and that it is nature to want something different it makes it a bit more understandable that people go for the "swing lifestyle"

[Rhythm_Blues]

When hubby and I first started dating we talked about the fact that both of us had cheated on our spouses in the previous marriage. We liked the idea of being with other people and the chase was fun. It had nothing to do with love it was pure sex.
So swinging seemed like the logical thing when we realized we were forever partners and never wanted to hurt each other like we knew we had our previous spouses. We do full swap but only same room and we are never without the other. To us its not sharing if we can't be there with each other and both of us participating. We still enjoy the chase its just has a little different twist to it!

[Elusive BiFem]

OK...so JC said my polls were not ridiculous...and it made me so proud! (Of course, he's the ONLY one that said that and maybe it was a language barrier thing...just joshing JC! )

So now...WR and I are on the phone discussing some poll site she came across about cheaters in general. I'll post the questions as we were curious about cheaters in the lifestyle. The results of the poll she read indicated the following - and bear in mind, this was not swinging associated...

47% responded yes, they have cheated.
49% responded no, never cheated.
4% responded, don't ask - don't tell

There was no breakdown of age or gender or even current marital status. Not a good poll IMO...not like MY polls that normally have LOTS of options. However, WR is helping and said I can only post those options (spoil-sport!).

For this one...singles that have been in relationships...please respond to...marital status is not a criteria...just relationships.

- EBF

[LadyCleo]

EBF, ever is a REALLY LONG TIME.

I have cheated while in a relationship, but it was a long time ago. I learned my lesson and have not done it since. In fact, it was in a relationship previous to the one I am in currently. He cheated, I cheated, we divorced. I learned my lesson and remarried. I am tons happier now,even on the bad days,than I was on the great days of my previous marriage.

Hope this helps,
LC