Does a History of Cheating Lead to Swinging?

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by LadyCleo
EBF, ever is a REALLY LONG TIME.
LC

Yeah...it helped...but for some of us,EVER is much longer than it is for others. My EVER is a really, really long time!

- EBF

[Alura]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
Yeah...it helped...but for some of us,EVER is much longer than it is for others. My EVER is a really, really long time!

- EBF

And my "Ever" is even longer!

I've never cheated on Mrs. Alura and that's going to be twenty-four years this Easter. Now, "cheating" does not include that motel meeting with my old high-school sweetheart because Mrs. Alura knew about it from the time "Jill" suggested it while we were dancing at a reunion. In fact, Mrs. Alura prepared a "motel kit" (a scented candle and a few other goodies) for us. "Jill" was also aware that Mrs. Alura knew what we were up to.

Mrs. Alura also had my approval to fuck her high school sweetheart at her reunion, but he was dumb as a rock and never seemed to get the idea of what was being offered to him. I was heavily involved in the plotting on that one, too, and as disappointed as she that it didn't happen.

Now, back in my college years, during my "trial" marriage, it was a different story. That's why I had to vote "Yes."

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

I had to vote yes. While I was married to the father of my children for a little over 10 years, we were separated for more than the last five of them. During that time, young twenties...need I say more?

Any future relationships that I got seriously involved in. No, not ever and it has never crossed my mind.

[Chicup]

Thats the interesting thing about swinging.

Last weekend I had sex with another woman and I can say with a straight face I've never cheated on my wife (nor anyone else I was ever involved in).

[StacyCat]

Why do some people still feel the need to cheat?

You dont have to cheat on me, you can tell me openly that you want to fuck someone else. Same with me, I dont feel a need to cheat on my partners because they all have full understanding that I can have sex with other people.

My first boyfriend (open relationship) "cheated" on me with my best friend. I knew that they had sex, however, he didnt use protection. So, even though I knew of the sex, it was still cheating because it was dishonest.

[EternallySingle]

Have I ever cheated while in a relationship? No. Have I ever wanted to? Definitely. What did I do about it? It depended on how the relationship was going.

If the relationship was in trouble and there was very little either of us could do to move past whatever obstacle got in our way, I'd say we needed to take a break for a while and start seeing other people.

If I was just bored with what was going on, I'd simply close my eyes during sex and pretend my girlfriend was the woman I wanted to cheat with. You'd be surprised at how powerful visualizing someone other than your normal partner having sex with you can be.

Oh, wait. I forgot where I was for a moment.

[Elusive BiFem]

Hey there StacyCat! I understand what you are saying, I think, but when we were talking about cheating, we didn't have in mind open relationships. As nice as that may be for some, I'd say that most people don't have that sort of "open" relationship in which one partner can simply tell the other they want to sleep with another. Know what I mean? And that is where the poll was headed. Like swinging...that isn't cheating as long as your partner is aware and approving. Cheating, in my mind, is when one partner is NOT aware and certainly not approving.

Interestingly, the results here are somewhat different than those WR found in that other poll. I wonder if swinging isn't the reason for it? Maybe VegasLee will help us decipher the results!

- EBF

[sexypairca]

I've cheated in a previous relationship. I told my boyfriend about the encounter the next day and explained that I was certain that it would happen again with the same individual. I gave him the choice of calling it off due to my actions or accepting the fact that I was very drawn to the other man and it was for the sheer sake of sex that we got together.

We remained a couple for about another 6 months and adopted the don't ask-don't tell philosophy, not exactly the best grounds for a stable relationship. The other man and I maintained our relationship for about a year and a half in total, peaceful parting of ways, not what I would even consider even a breakup.

About a year after all ties were cut I ended up working at the same place as the second man. I had just started to date hubby at this time and told him of our past, since people talk and I wanted him to know that I was being up front. He trusted my word that I was not going to revert back to my old habit with this man and never questioned our working together, even when it was later than it should have been.

I know that cheating is wrong and that I should have never given in, so to speak, but I don't look back on the situation as a negative experience. I learned quite a bit about myself and had to take stock in who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Annette

[BradAndJanet]

So...a whole lotta cheatin' goin' on...or so it would seem. Of the 28 responders, only 6 (21%) say that they've never cheated or been cheated on (that they know of anyway!)

Now, I did a little online checking and it's commonly accepted that about 25% of women and 40% of men have had affairs, so the numbers here seem a bit high, don't they? True, this is a 'self-electing' poll, but I'm wondering, "Why?"

What do you think? Is there something about the kind of people who swing that makes them more likely to cheat, or to have cheated in the past? Is it our higher sex drive, our loose morals , our open minds? Did we arrive at swinging as a way to 'have our cake and eat it too?' Or, am I just way off base here?

I've spoken about my affair (or 'near affair', I suppose) and I answered that I have cheated, even though we never actually had sex. I don't believe that we're swinging because I want to have sex with other women, although the possibility of that is appealing. I do have a strong libido, yes, and that did lead me to this other woman, because at the time, J was having some difficulties and was more or less unavailable to me. So, for me, maybe that's the reason I both cheated and am now a swinger.

I'd welcome any thoughts y'all have....

-B

OOOOPPPSS!!!

I voted wrong.
I thought the first option was "I haven't cheated on my current partner."

So you can knock that down one vote.

Add it to the last option.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by BradAndJanet

What do you think? Is there something about the kind of people who swing that makes them more likely to cheat, or to have cheated in the past? Is it our higher sex drive, our loose morals , our open minds? Did we arrive at swinging as a way to 'have our cake and eat it too?' Or, am I just way off base here? -B

In my mind, there is a difference between cheating and an affair. To me an affair alludes to a physical and/or emotional relationship, whereas cheating is strictly sexual, such as a man visiting a prostitute or a housewife seducing the pool boy.

So far, the percentage of swingers that have been cheated on in prior relationships is higher than swingers cheating on their SO's, prior or current. Therefore, I think it has little to do with looser morals or more open thinking. Maybe a higher sex drive and I think that some are better able to separate sex from love, and thus there is such thing as swingers.

When I was last single, I dated several married women. These women were not going to leave their husbands. They were not unhappy in their marriage. Never once did one complain about her husband's sexual prowess or say I was better. I was just different. They liked the excitement of doing something secret. Maybe it was taking back a bit of themselves. They gave so much of themselves to their family and they needed a little autonomy. A little something that was still private. It was purely sex and nothing more. Who knows, had they talked with their husbands they may have become swingers.

Mr. WS

[mrs good times]

Like Brad I had a near affair, no sex but emotional attachment. Mr. and I agree that it was worse than if I had just had sex with the guy. We did not start swinging until several years after my indiscretion but I think that for both of us having our cake and eating it too has been great.

[Botcpl]

You know, that word "ever" is a big deal.

No one walking this earth is a true saint and we all have done something in our past. So are we going back to high school when we "cheated" on our steady girl/boy? Are you only interested in cheating on our spouses? What about lies in general? Does flirting with the desire count?

An affair or cheating is the first sign that something is wrong and the people involved have to do something ie. talk. People only do these things if something isn't quite right at home. Some are able to fix the propblem and save their marriages others learn that the marriage was a mistake in the first place and split up.

That's my view, but after 23 years of marriage, what do I know? I need to go sailing and I'm waiting for her to get her stuff together, it's always better on the water.

P

[tazzie_n_truck]

We came across a couple a while back, we never did anything with them other than talk, but we found out in the middle of disussion with them we found that the 2 of them were both married to other people, cheating on their spouses, with each other, and when they got together would swing with couples. So we decided really quick not to do anything with them. Really surprised us that there are people in the lifesyle who do that. When they asked us later when we talked with one of them on line, we told them that the reason we chose not to was we didn't want thier spouse that they were cheating on, to find out then come after us. With us when we swing with another couple, we swing with couples who are married to each other and who are also have a very strong marrige.

[hotblonde47]

Tazzie, we had almost exactly that same situation. Our take on it was that everyone involved in swinging is taking some kind of emotional and physical risk, the spouses of these people were actually taking the risk without knowing about it. Doesn't work for me. We will only swing when both parties are aware of and happy with whats going on.