Are you a Top or Bottom

[Spoomonkey]

The first couple we were involved with used the terms top and bottom to describe themselves. At the time, I thought that top and bottom were terms that were exclusive to the gay community. Not so... Basically, the dominant partner is the top - and the submissive is the bottom...

I know - I know - "duh, Spoomonkey. What's your point?"

Well - I am curious...

Who is the more dominant in your relationship? Or - if you are single - do you see yourself as a "top" or "bottom"?

In our marriage, I am usually the dominant one. Occassionally I enjoy letting Mrs Spoomonkey wrestle for control, only to take it from her as the activities progress. And she is more than happy to let me be the dominant one.

I have a fantasy about being "dominated", but it is not something that I could get into all the time. I am definitely an "alpha-monkey".

So - I am going to try my very first poll...

The question is - which are you?

[biblonde]

we are 50/50 on that one depending on the mood. Me (the she half) love to be on top and make him just lay there enjoying himself but i also love it when he takes control. Part of the time i want to tell him what to do, but like to be put where he wants me...he can just pick me up and move me around the bed how he likes it...which is fun. so I guess what i am saying is we are both ...well both top and bottom.
my 2 cents for the day

[xxoticangel]

I would say that I (male) top 90% of the time. We have played S&M games since the begining and over time have evolved to our current position. While I sometimes take the bottom position, usually I decide when, where, and how hard or soft we have sex. She is an admitted sub and is always willing to let her partner take the reins and lead her to orgasm.

[cumply21]

I am a "switch" and it is up to me which one you get. Generally, it depends on how well I know you as to which one it is. I'm only more aggressive with people that I know well.

[TeamSoBe]

My wife and I are both submissive, which says a lot about why we are interested in bringing other people into our bedroom.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by TeamSoBe

My wife and I are both submissive, which says a lot about why we are interested in bringing other people into our bedroom.

Do you generally look for "top" playmates?

Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

Is it possible for me and Mr LM to be neither sub nor dom in our marriage? We could not categorize our personal sexual roles.

None of the 15 choices are suitable for Mr LM. When I showed him the poll he said, "I see this as a labor question, the person who's getting their heart rate up faster and doing more is the dom."

LM

P.S. I voted "switch" only because I can see myself going both ways with play partners.

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Well Mr Spoo pretty much spoke for us but I couldn't let his first poll go by with out voting and posting to it myself.

I have to admit I like being the bottom . . the submissive. We are like biblonde said, Mr Spoo just moves me around where he wants me and your right that is a lot of fun He has however pointed out recently that in two different play times with another couple and a single that I sort of took control of the situation and directed everyone (Mr Spoo was just enjoying himself very much and the last thing on his mind was being a top) So I have a little bit of 'top' in me but I have to admit my favorite is when he just takes me and takes control facelick

We have been working on me being a 'dominatrix' for a night and I'm having fun with that . . . getting the outfit, planning my demands So we'll see, maybe in time I'll even out and just be a 50/50 switcher.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[BradAndJanet]

I decided to answer, "I am a "switch". But you need to tell me which one you want.", but after I did, I realized that actually makes me a 'bottom'. Interesting poll!

-B

[ALilOEverything]

I haven't voted yet, I haven't completely sorted this out though my instinct is to vote I'm the top and he's the bottom. As I've mentioned before my husband can be/wants to be submissive...therefore the bottom. I'm definitely a dominating one in our relationship...but I don't feel that makes me a top. And if I'm not a top then I should be a bottom. But I'm not a bottom because I do like a certain amount of control. I'm not a switch because I don't care for either extreme. So basically, I'm in the middle. I prefer to give as much direction as I take...at least in the bedroom. I guess in general life I really am the top and he really is the bottom. Who knows. Chances are you could ask this every week and I'll give a different answer!

[Chemistry_0518]

Our relationship is a full time D/s. That is ti say that I am a Dom, and My Little Princess is my full time submissive. So the answer to the poll for us is reather obvious. EXCEPT where it comes to dealing with people outside of our relationship in the vanilla world. She is a very forceful personality, a trait required for her profession as a corporate instructor. Mine remains relatively consistent as a management level employee in a manufacturing plant. Our life together seems to be THE perfect match and works quite well for us, with her wearing a collar locked about her neck 24/7. And to most, our relationship is so transparent that after someone really gets to know us and ask about the collar's BDSM medallionor the matching item that I wear as a tie-tack or lapel pin, that the response is "Oh, really? I hadn't noticed!" Those people told beforehand, unfortunately, feel threatened will respond for the most part with "NOT COMPATIBLE!" almost immediately. Those few truly adventurous souls who take the time find us to be delightful.

Go figure.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Do you generally look for "top" playmates?

Something like that. They find us. Since we're both shy and submissive and all. I'm working on pushing myself to be more assertive just to prove to myself that I can but I still really just prefer aggressive playmates. Zero question then about whether they are into it or not.

My wife sometimes will go into predator mode and just go after somebody at a (vanilla) party or something and like 20 minutes later POOF they're having sex. It's rare but wow it's pretty cool to watch. That's how she got me in the first place. We are normally very equal now, in every aspect of our marriage. Comes naturally from being with somebody who's opinion you respect as much as your own, but not more so.

Oh and as a guy who lives in a very very very gay area, all of this talk about 'tops' and 'bottoms' is kind of creeping me out! I have never heard those terms applied to straight sex. What's next, hanky codes for swingers?

Mr Spoomonkey, are you dominant with Mrs Spoomonkey about lots of things, or just sex? Like are you the one who decides what to have for dinner, what movies to see, what kind of car to get, all of that? My wife and I are both exceedingly dominant in every other aspect of our lives and in team situations in business or whatever we're both normally the leaders in the pack. Combined we're even stronger and we use our strength as a strong pair with complimentary skills to dominate our business niches. We're totally not shy about wrestling somebody to the ground in business and raping their money out of them. It's only in bed that we're pushovers.

[frenzb4sex]

Heya Spoo...

Funny you should ask this question. For the 14 years we have been together, I have been a resounding top and she a bottom. Last week, while myself and the missus were having a little "randy" time, things suddenly were different. It wasn't that I relinquished my role as a top, but my wife had suddenly jumped right into being a top as well. To say the least, it not only surprised me, but actually kind of made the experience "less" for me. I attributed this sudden blip on the radar to a couple of things.

1) In the times we have been together over the years, both of our sexual roles have been satisfactory to us, and I know this because we have talked about it and revisited it from time to time. When this happens right in the moment, it was just so different from the person that I have become extremely comfortable with in bed and to have it flip up like that almost made it as if it wasn't my wife.

2) In recent swinging experiences, I believe that the person she has been with has placed her in a more top role, either by her choosing or something that just occurred naturally with that person. Therefore, she had become semi-comfortable with it and then "sprung" it on me.

Question here: In situations like this, if a semi-change or even drastic turnabouts take place like I observed, wouldn't you think it be prudent to discuss it before the act? While I can see the advantage of it being spontaneous, because of that entrenched comfort level I had and was happy with, I really think that the way she did it really had not a chance of "ending up good".

Also, in situations where in swinging your SO may have played a different top/bottom role or even just changed some different ways of doing things, etc., what is your expectation as to how that affects things between you and the SO's experiences together? Do you expect for that person to come back and do everything that they have learned or did with their swing mate? Do you feel that it's hard to possibly emulate the same type of behavior because of the simple differences in the people you are with? Do you find yourself maybe being a little different in the sexual experiences with others as well?

All of these types of questions were raised in my mind....Interested in your thoughts!

Tim

[JustAskJulie]

I can definately go either way and it really depends on my mood and the mood of who I'm with. I wouldn't say that I totally decide or that they tell me which one to be.

[Brit_Pair]

I - Lord B - am generally switch, and vary in what I want from encounter to encounter. With someone new, I usually experience a desire to be dominant (what was that you were saying about alpha male behaviour, Spoo?), but with familiar partners, sometimes the urge to be more passive surfaces.

Like me, Lady B seems able to trade roles back and forth, though given the way she especially relishes those 'being taken' moments, she should really be considered a 'bottom'. However, she does excercise her right to be 'top' when she feels suitably inclined!