Getting Stood Up

[xxoticangel]

This is a followup to our post Getting the party started/stopped. Yesterday my wife spent most of the day cleaning the house and getting ready to entertain her new friend while I was at work. After a confirmation phone call around 3 pm she did all the "girl stuff" that they do before going out. At 7 we left home to meet him at the agreed place with her dressed to kill and me just short of cardiac arrest from looking at her. Since we had already had a brief meet and greet the week prior we grabbed a spot at the bar, ordered drinks and waited. When he hadn't arrived by 8 she called his cell and was sent directly to his voice mail. We ordered another drink and waited more. At 8:30 we decided that we had been stood up again and ordered dinner. When he hadn't arrived by 9:30 (two hours late) we returned home. While she and I still had a great time I could tell she was upset. She had that "Whats wrong with me?" look and was forcing herself to smile.

If this had been the first time it would be easier but this is the third straight single male to put us through the hassle of getting a sitter, renting a hotel (not this time but twice in the past), dressing, driving, etc. and not even bothered to call with a b/s excuse.

I need your learned advice on two questions:
1) Does everyone else get stood up most of the time or is there really something the guys don't like about us?
2) How do I get my wife over being rejected?

[Alura]

We've never made a date with a single man but there have been a lot of posts on this board about just this problem, single men failing to show up.

I think it's because a lot of "single men" are really married. They make a date hoping to find an excuse to get out of the house but are unable to, so they simply fail to show.

There could be a hundred other reasons as well. Maybe the guy is just a "talker" not a "doer." Or his mother won't let him go out because he has a "D" in English and needs to study to bring his grade up. Or his doctor has ordered the head nurse to not let him out of the nursing home.

Whenever you speculate, as I'm doing here, you have a very good chance of being wrong. There really is no way to guess what went wrong. But you do know that it did go wrong.

We've not had this problem with couples. Of course, we make it a policy to talk with both of them on the phone before making a date to meet, and that first meeting is not likely to include play. The better you know your playmates the better the experience will be, in our opinion.

If Mrs. Alura ever felt there was something wrong with her because of a no-show, I'd simply lead her to a mirror and let her have a look. The problem is not with your wife, unless the picture in your profile is someone else.

Mr. Alura

[Spoomonkey]

This is the danger of internet swinging, IMHO. It is just really tough to know who is for real and who's a fake (read: flake). I know that the internet is the only comfortable option for a lot of folks, so I am not advocating scraping it, but if internet is the way you choose to go, then this is one of the draw backs. We know so many people who go this route exclusively and some of them have the same sort of frustrations.

We've never been stood up, but we use the internet sparingly at best. And we've never used it to meet single men. There are far too many "fantasizers" out there, wanting to play the game right up to actually doing it - then pulling out for whatever reason (likely because they are married).

My guess is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you guys - and when you find the right guy, she will be shown that in many, many wonderful ways. There is just a lot of fear and deception out there - and you two may be feeling the brunt of that.

But - if it makes you feel any better, lots of gorgeous women feel the rejection and "what's wrong with me" from time to time. You just never know the motives and desires of other folks and some dates are busts, while others are incredible. The one's that aren't, we've learned to shrug it off and move on to the next one. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Spoomonkey

We have been stood up by both single men and couples. Every excuse from "our baby sitter backed out" to "My brothers children were murdered".

No shit.

Decided to add some more....

We get stood up more by single men than we actualy meet. I would say that the percentage of times getting Stood up by single men is close to 2/3.

Mrs naughty does feel a little rejection sometimes. Its only natural. We think most of them are afraid or intimidated by a woman who knows what she wants and isnt afraid to take it. Letting shit like this roll off your back is something that takes time. One thing we have learned (and are still trying to master) is to not take anything personal. We are trying to adapt the "Fuck 'em" attitude.

You are nat alone.

[HotCoupleGnS]

Well, we actually stood up a couple, once. Our sitter was late & we had no way of getting a hold of them! We did show up but like an hour & a hlaf late. We missed them by a few minutes. But we did meet again after that.

[jcbicouple]

We didn't vote, because several answers apply. We've been stood up by both single males and couples. All of our meetings with single females have been chance meetings, so no opportunity to stand us up. lol Athough we did notice that they aren't on the poll....does this mean they don't stand people up? If so, we'll start planning more meetings with single women! We personally, wouldn't stand someone up. If we can't make it, we give as much notice as possible. Those that don't let us know they aren't coming, don't get a second chance. Our time is way too valuable to us. We very rarely make "dates" with anyone anymore, unless we already have other plans in the area. We usually just go to a club (swing or night) and see what develops.

[EternallySingle]

I know I'm going to get flamed here so I'm getting out my kevlar and mylar volunteer firefighting suit. (zip, snap, clip) There. I'm safe.

When you make dates to meet someone, you are going to get stood up eventually. If you are a couple making a date with a single man or woman, you are going to get stood up more than when meeting couples. And you will get stood up even more by single men you HAVEN'T had sex with than with women or men you have had sex with.

soapbox The reason is that IT JUST ISN'T IN A SINGLE MAN'S BEST INTEREST to meet with a couple for sex. He may fantasize about it. He may have even made all the initial contacts and arrangements. But the moment he has a chance to do something he knows will be fun (like going out with the guys) or if a single woman decides she wants to go out with him at the last minute(which does happen), he probably will pick that over you. Swinging just isn't that important to single men.

That being said, to cut down on the number of single men that stand you up, make sure he KNOWS you chose him because you actually like him, not because he was better than everyone else that you were in contact with. I've turned down simple coffee and donut meetings with three couples this year because they said I was the best man they talked to. It was like they were eliminating the worst and I was left, not that they were looking for someone they get along with. If they had said they enjoyed talking to me or they wanted to get to know me better, I would have felt good about meeting them. Instead, I felt like I was the lesser of two evils. Yes, its the ego thing so many have mentioned, but what are we but the sum or our emotions and experiences? Anything that makes you feel good is going to be good for the ego. Get rid of any doubt that he will be more than an occasional plaything, and more men will actually follow through when you make dates with them.

But thats just my opinion. getting off my soapbox now and hiding under a rock.

The reason is that IT JUST ISN'T IN A SINGLE MAN'S BEST INTEREST to meet with a couple for sex. He may fantasize about it. He may have even made all the initial contacts and arrangements. But the moment he has a chance to do something he knows will be fun (like going out with the guys) or if a single woman decides she wants to go out with him at the last minute(which does happen), he probably will pick that over you. Swinging just isn't that important to single men.

They shouldnt be advertising on swinger sites then. Plain & simple.
If what you state is the actual reasons a lot of single men stand up couples then I am glad they have stood us up. When you make plans with someone then plans is what you have.

I make plans all the time that later I wish I had not made ( most of the time not swinging related) but I still keep them. Even if something else comes up that is better. Its the right thing to do.

I still think they are just chicken shit. They like to talk the talk but cant walk the walk.

Not all of them of course. We have met some single guys we see on a fairly regulat basis.

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

They shouldnt be advertising on swinger sites then. Plain & simple.
If what you state is the actual reasons a lot of single men stand up couples then I am glad they have stood us up. When you make plans with someone then plans is what you have.

I make plans all the time that later I wish I had not made ( most of the time not swinging related) but I still keep them. Even if something else comes up that is better. Its the right thing to do.

I still think they are just chicken shit. They like to talk the talk but cant walk the walk.

Not all of them of course. We have met some single guys we see on a fairly regulat basis.

Its true that once you have made plans you should follow through, even if you start to have second thoughts or something better comes up. Most single men who back out of meetings ARE usually chicken shits who got scared when it comes time to actually meet or fakes who never intended to meet you in the first place. The same can be said of couples and single women, but the focus is on single men today, not couples or single women.

That being said, I do think the big reason that single men who are not fake and do have experience swinging back out when meeting couples is they start to have doubts about how sincere the couple is about wanting to meet him as an individual as opposed to being the best out of many men who have contacted you. Its not a good feeling to have and its a hard one to shake when you constantly read about how bad single men act or see profiles where couples (and single women) have a laundry list of things you must possess to even get an email response. In that environment, any little thing will make a man say, "Oh, well, they won't care if I don't show up because they just want an extra cock anyway. They'll find another."

I've worked hard to get past that little insecurity. It doesn't help to be thought of as one of a group of barely tamed animals that have not been properly house broken, let alone trained. Sorry, but that is the impression most couples online actually say they have towards single men who belong to swing sites, and after a while its hard to trust their sincerity when they do decide to contact you. You go from being excited that someone has decided to talk to you to wondering if its you or your penis they want to meet when you are constantly bombarded by questions regarding not what you want but whether you are single. THAT I blame on the married men who don't have the guts to talk to their wives honestly about swinging or the balls to leave them if they just have to pursue the lifestyle.

As far as everything else, you just have to let it roll off your back and realize everyone is an individual and wants to be treated as such. Also consider how much effort did you put into letting him know you wanted to meet the person and would have became friends with him even if swinging wasn't part of the equation? That may sound obvious to some of you, but it is one of the things a lot of couples online actually state in their ad and in forums that they won't do with single men. Of course they later write about how disrespectful the men they met acted towards them, if they didn't stand them up.

And as I wrote in the paragraph after the one that was quoted, a single man would rather spend time playing cards with friends than having sex with a stranger, even if it is a single woman. Of course, having sex with a friend trumps playing cards with a friend, so put a little more effort into making friends with the single men you plan to meet and you won't have so many stand you up. If you are not looking for single men as friends, don't complain when you get stood up. You weren't risking anything important, so you didn't lose anything except a little time and maybe a meeting with someone who would have showed up. If you actually did develop some kind of relationship with the man before you planned to meet, chances are he really did have a valid reason for not showing up. Friends don't stand up friends unless they have absolutely no choice in the matter. And they always make it up to you later.

Aaron (climbing off the soapbox again and moving to his steel reinforced concrete bomb shelter)

[EternallySingle]

Originally Posted by xxoticangel

This is a followup to our post Getting the party started/stopped. Yesterday my wife spent most of the day cleaning the house and getting ready to entertain her new friend while I was at work. After a confirmation phone call around 3 pm she did all the "girl stuff" that they do before going out. At 7 we left home to meet him at the agreed place with her dressed to kill and me just short of cardiac arrest from looking at her. Since we had already had a brief meet and greet the week prior we grabbed a spot at the bar, ordered drinks and waited. When he hadn't arrived by 8 she called his cell and was sent directly to his voice mail. We ordered another drink and waited more. At 8:30 we decided that we had been stood up again and ordered dinner. When he hadn't arrived by 9:30 (two hours late) we returned home. While she and I still had a great time I could tell she was upset. She had that "Whats wrong with me?" look and was forcing herself to smile.

If this had been the first time it would be easier but this is the third straight single male to put us through the hassle of getting a sitter, renting a hotel (not this time but twice in the past), dressing, driving, etc. and not even bothered to call with a b/s excuse.

I need your learned advice on two questions:
1) Does everyone else get stood up most of the time or is there really something the guys don't like about us?
2) How do I get my wife over being rejected?

Before I was speaking generally. Now I am speaking to you. The guy was a jerk. According to your other post, he was in town on business and thats how you met. Well, he was simply looking for a piece of ass while he was out of town. What probably happened was sometime between 3:00 pm and 7:00 pm he met a single woman also looking to get laid and decided to do her (and not have to worry about being asked to leave) and left you high and dry. He should have called and said something, even if it was a lie. But he didn't. Forget him.

As for how to help your wife get over being rejected? Get some friends together and talk about his sorry ass. That always works for me when I get stood up by some woman who thinks her...stuff is sweeter than honey. Well I've only met one woman where that was true, and we were together for four years until she moved to take her dream job

[CB_n_Red]

If it's any consolation, Aaron, one of our prerequisites for playing with anyone, couple or single, is that we both like them/him/her. Without that we find it just doesn't work as we would like.

Red has had her share of feeling rejected, but now sees that it isn't down to her (thank goodness).

CB

We do try and become friends before we meet. Mrs naughty has to feel a friendship before she will fuck (Most of the time ). A few messages on the site, Some IMing and a few phone conversations. And during these conversations Mrs naughty REFUSES to talk about sex. other than the fact that she wants it. After mrs naughty gets comfortable and he is someone she thinks she would like to meet I will jump into the conversations so all are comfortable before meeting. Mrs naughty tells them if they have any sex questions to ask me. And they usualy do and I tell them what they need to know.
After all this they still back out at the last minute. Then have the balls to contact us to see if we can try making plans again.
Not a chance in Hell.

And you are right. This is also true of couples not just single men. But it happens MUCH more with single men. Just our experience.

[xxoticangel]

All of our meetings with single females have been chance meetings, so no opportunity to stand us up. lol Athough we did notice that they aren't on the poll....does this mean they don't stand people up? If so, we'll start planning more meetings with single women!

The same is true for us. Three of our four FFM's have been chance meetings and all of them have been with married women who's husband was present (somewhere) or approved. In the last 6 years I have heard a lot of stories and seen some pictures of the elusive "single bi female" but I have never actually seen one or met anyone that did.

The reason is that IT JUST ISN'T IN A SINGLE MAN'S BEST INTEREST to meet with a couple for sex. He may fantasize about it. He may have even made all the initial contacts and arrangements.

This is something I don't understand. When I was single and not involved I spent most of my free time trying to get laid. I went to bars, health clubs, church, etc. with the sole purpose of hooking up. Looking back I figure my chances of having sex with anyone but myself were usually about 10%. (About 1 out of 10 nights ended up in someone's bedroom) If I had been given a strong indication that if I just show up at a specific time at a specific place I would get to spend the night with a beautiful sexually charged woman I would have jumped at it.

We did have an initial meet and greet the week before. There was definately attraction on both parts and we would have played that night except that we had to pick up the kids from the sitter. There was no indication that he is married (tan line on ring finger, slip up about kids etc.) and he was only 26. He and I got along well and had enough in common to keep the conversation going. At this point we have burned two sitters and both will require payback in some form. Plus it will be late August before we can possibly arrange another play night.

Given our current situation are there any suggestions? We have four kids living at home all under the age of 12. We don't have the resources to get spend three or four "dates" getting to know someone with the eventual hope that something will happen. We usually know within an hour of meeting someone if they have playmate potential. I won't lie to anyone this is mainly about sex, lust, and passion. If a playmate becomes a friend so much the better but it isn't a requirement.

[JaiDawn]

We have been stood up by several single males and one couple before. I am sure that it happens to just about everyone. That is why we try to meet at our favorite topless club. That way we can still have a good time. A swingers club just opened here so now we have that option also.

I would not take it so personally. God only knows how many of them are actually married and didn't show up because they couldn't get away from the Mrs. The ones that aren't married just don't have any brain cells. Either way, you are better off without them.

Carrie