We're Average but we want Good Looking. Is this a double standard?

[turtles]

My wife and I are / were considering swinging a bit. Our background is that we were both virgins when we met and went out for over a year before having sex. She had one other boyfriend through high school, but I never even kissed another girl or woman. Just the result of rather strict and poor self-esteem for being 4.0 nerds in school.

We've been married for seven years and together for ten. We have one kid and another on the way, so things are on hold for a bit.

The double standard is this... We want our "new" first time to be special and with a really attractive couple, but we would only consider ourselves average.

We not over weight, or ugly, but not really stunning - you know? Breast feeding for a year has done quite a number on her breasts and she's a bit embarresed because they used to be perfect. I'm still on thin side, but getting love handles lately.

Is that really rude, or bad manners or anything? Do people stick to their own types or anything?

It's seems complicated in our heads by the fact that if it doesn't work out, we would have messed up a very unique and wonderful thing, so we want everything to be perfect.

Can anyone else relate to this situation?

[turtles]

Wow, I had not read to many of the other posts before posting. Looks like I'm beating a dead horse here discussing looks.

Still, any thoughts from other virgin couples and breaking out of their shells? Is it worth it?

[BiloxiCouple]

No one is perfect. It's just our uniqueness makes us different. If you are happy with yourselves then you can be happy with other people.

Do people stick to their own types or anything?

We stick to the human race.

Swingers are like friends - Some you want to get closer to and some you don't.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm just curious as to why you think that being with someone who is stunning will make your first experience a good one. Just because they look good does not ensure that they....

Will have a personality that you can enjoy being around for more than 5 minutes
Will have any sexual ability... or be sexually compatible with you.

[Elusive BiFem]

Hi Turtles, and first, let me Welcome you to the board!

Now...I'm not part of a couple, and most assuredly not part of a virgin couple, and I broke out of my shell long ago...but shoot! It's a 'free' board, and I think I'll just answer for the heck of it.

As you've now discovered, the discussion of looks/appearances has been covered a million different ways, but nothing wrong with posting the question again. New people visit all the time and might have answers other than those previously written. And no, there is not a single thing in the world wrong with wanting your "new" first time to be something special and with a couple attractive to you. And, for that matter...nothing wrong with wanting all experiences to be something special.

Most of us are just average folks, looks-wise. Love handles, saggy breast, floppy fannies...large, small, and in-between. The most important thing is that you find others that make you feel good about yourselves and that you can relate to on the level you choose - be that an ongoing friendship or a single casual encounter. Quite frankly, I don't think Ken and Barbie exist except in our imaginations simply because we all have our own definitions of what is attractive to us. What might be my perfect Ken and Barbie might not be in the least attractive to you, and visa versa.

I think it's good ya'll have another baby on the way and that things are on hold for a while. That'll give you plenty of time to talk, read, ponder, question...and "get to know" people right here on this board. You'll find it is a great place for getting lots of ideas and opinions which in turn will help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings and decide if this lifestyle is really for ya'll. Either way...you will have learned somethings, and if what most couples say is true, you will strengthen your own relationship in the process of learning together.

Please don't ever hesitate to ask anything...even if it has been asked and answered before. We all change over time, and that includes our ideas and opinions on the various topics.

Again, Welcome to the board and we look forward to getting to know both of you!

- EBF

[NorCal Nites]

Keep one thing in mind. The measurements have been counted. If Barbie's bust measurement, kept in scale to the rest of her body, were 36 inches... she'd be 6'11".

That would make Ken somewhere damned near 320lbs. Kinda tough on the couple, don't you think?

[muffinkm]

"The double standard is this... We want our "new" first time to be special and with a really attractive couple, but we would only consider ourselves average. "

If you want your first experience to be really special, take plent of time and get to know a lot of couples before you take the plunge. If you resist the urge to dive right in you might find that the most attractive couple you encounter might not be the most beautiful.

[LadyCleo]

Hmmmm...how do I put this delicately?

We are newbie swingers. We've been in the lifestyle just since this past summer. We have found it to be VERY difficult to find couples that we both are really attracted to. Either hubby likes her and I think that guy is a toad (which is usually the case) or on a rare occasion, I find the guy attractive and hubby doesn't think the wife is.

We've really had to settle and lower our standards significantly. I don't say that to come across as "holier than thou" or better than other people, because I don't think that we are. We are average people with a little extra meat on our bones and whatnot.

We have met many great people. People who's personalities more than make up for my lack of physical attraction to them. Although, since we've taken the plunge and have now had the handful of experiences, I told my husband that I wanted to wait until there was someone...anyone that REALLY did it for me before we do it again. It was funny because he said he was feeling the same way.

Good luck to you in your search. I hope that it's more fruitful than ours.

LC

[yawanna]

I told my husband that I wanted to wait until there was someone...anyone that REALLY did it for me before we do it again.

Wholeheartedly agree! They've got to be really exciting to us, and us to them. It's about more...not less or the same... ya know?

We take regular short breaks from these activities...sometimes we just haven't been meeting anyone we're strongly attracted to, a couple of times we've found ourselves with the same people at events over and over again, sometimes we have work or home or family things that need attention.....

That's why keeping it more of a flexible schedule, extracurricular activity than the majority of our social life works best for us. We have our good friendships with others who participate, and that's how we stay connected.

Keep our ears to the ground and our toes in the water and you never know when 'wow!!!' will pop up

[turtles]

A lot of interesting responses. The reason I ask is that there does seem to be a set of rules of conduct so to speak. Everyone refers to "The Lifestyle" which makes it seem more like a culture then just something people do.

That's what this New forum was about - what are the rules? What do you say? What do you do? What's rude and so forth.

We don't automatically assume attrictive people would have great personalities. Still it is a fantasy we wanted to live out and we have certain ideas in our head of what we are looking for. Not really seeking Ken and Barbie, but some people who would turn our heads at the beach would be appreciated. If they are not that fun to be around or we can't stand them we assume it will be pretty obvious and clear before things get too far.

Still we like the concept of SwingLifeStyle much better then Adult Friend Finder.

I mean no offense, but in general it is like LadyCleo mentioned. We want both of us to be really into it, and since we don't have any friends who are into this, I wanted to ask how it goes. We still want to develop a friendship, but with our life so chaotic sometimes it's hard to imagine how you all find time to do anything together.

Thanks for Listening.

[OhioCouple]

You are asking very good questions, turtles and approaching the prospect of swinging with the right mind set. Those who are successful in this alternative lifestyle, discuss this with their partners and set guidelines together. Keep in mind, what is attractive to you, may not be attractive to another and vise versa. I am particularily impressed with this statement.

...We want both of us to be really into it...

And that is EXACATLY how it should be. Please keep in mind, it may take a while to find that single or couple that impresses you, but the wait will be well worth it.

[Roxysbayou]

Originally posted by turtles
Can anyone else relate to this situation?

I think what your feeling is very understandable. You have taken something that started out as perhaps just a fantasy and are now considering making it a reality. I don't know about everyone else but my fantasies tend to include fairy tale people.

I think that finding someone that you can both feel comfortable with is a good starting point.

I wish you the best of luck.

Roxy