Where are the normal, attractive swingers (was: Unattractive Swingers)

[MrPeepers]

We are new to swinging and Have not done it yet. We want to get into it. I have a question that I want to ask without offending anyone. I don't know any of you so please don't take this as personal.

Any time on shows such as HBO's Real Sex or websites with ad pics etc.... Why is it when they show swingers they are usually...

A. Old
B. Way over weight
C. Ugly
D. Not at all attractive
E. Strange

I know that all are not. I am just wondering why this is. I am not saying we are perfect but, compared to what I have seen I just can't see it happening with those people. I do understand that looks are not everything. Like I said, please don't flame me. I just wondered where the at least normal size, looks and personality people are.

[biblonde]

Ill be nice...lol

There are normal average looking people in swinging. I am 5'6" 120lbs and people say i am attractive and hubby is 6'4" and sexy and the couple we play with are about the same. WE are both educated in our late 30's and "normal"...lol. They are out there ya just gotta look. As for on tv well they always give swingers a bad wrap...either we are crazy, sex craved lunies, even portraid as perverts. so dont go by what you see on tv. There are alot of average types out there and personally everyone has a different idea of what is sexy so....

Just gotta look until you find what your idea of sexy is. As we say never take one for the team so if you arent both attracted to the ones ya see look more. And know that not everyone is who they say they are you may run into some that are weird or strange just chalk it up to learning!!

my 2 cents for today and best of luck!

[JustAskJulie]

You can't judge a group based on tv's representation of them. Some things to consider when watching tv, whether it be a local news broadcast, MTV or HBO is that they can only show those who are willing to be shown. Perhaps those that are less attractive are more in need of attention and willing to have their faces plastered all over television.

Perhaps also, the media doesn't want to portray swinging as something that all types of people are into. Perhaps they want to portray it as something that only the ugly/fat/old would get into in order to get extra attention?

I would suggest visiting a few different clubs and you should be able to get a better idea of what to expect.

[yawanna]

Swinging isn't about the Hefner mansion parties. (thank gawd) The first 'swinger' club I attended.. I walked into a sports bar and thought 'OMG..it's a PTA meeting!!!'

If you think you're all that and a bag of chips, and you're looking for the same, this probably won't work for you.

I can count on one hand the number of people I've met who represent sleazy swinging..toupees, hookers on their arm, white belts and shoes.

Otherwise..they are for the most part, people who are open to being sexually non monogamous, and exploring. Heavy men, women, old, young, once you're in it doesn't seem to matter too much. To many of us, anyway

[hmr]

seeing as how your in Charlotte, you should try out carolina friends. Its a private club in charlotte that you can find on the web with a little effort. Then you can judge for yourself personally.

Mr. hmr

[Bama0468]

I have met all kinds of swingers at parties, all shapes and sizes , ages races and religions. They show those folks I guess cause they are more open to being on TV , not in the swinging closet as some say. we are all different and all beautiful in our own way.

[LadyCleo]

I have to agree with parts of the above posts.

All of this is MY OPINION:

The people that you see on Real Sex are VERY OPEN people, who don't care if millions of HBO viewers see them. Usually, it is going to be the swingers that have been in the lifestyle for many years. You just aren't going to find a young newbie on that show...or any show, for that matter.

I have yet to see "perfection" in any swinger's event or club we have attended. It is DEFINATELY a PTA meeting and you are going to find many many more natural, lumpy, slightly overweight, saggy bodies than hardbodies. Not to say that hardbodies don't exist, because they do...although...*I* haven't seen any yet.

What I have seen is very few under 40 year old couples, even fewer under 30 year old couples. Unfortunately, usually the gal is very pretty but the guy is not. That is a MAJOR stumbling block for us. Hubby will find a few ladies that he's interested in talking to and maybe getting to know better but their husband is really ugly. And we have agreed that neither one of us will have sex with a person that we don't find attractive in some way or another just because our partner is attracted to one half.

This may be just MY experience. Your's may be different.

LC

[fasder]

In our fair city are a number of clubs, bars, etc that those of the swinging lifestyle frequent. Over time and exploration, we have found the clubs that are more suited to our social crowd. What really stands out to us is finding places where people … “look just like us”. You may need to seek out a place that comes closer to your expectations.

But while I’m at it … while I don’t advocate that people should lower their expectations, I would state that things do go both ways. As many that look at others thinking they are old, over weight, ugly, strange, not attractive … get the same thing in return by some other person or couple in the same room.

[leftcoastcouple]

Mr. Peepers, I gotta hand it to you, you certainly weren't shy asking about what was on your mind. And I thank you for that, because I have to admit, six months ago, I'd have WANTED to ask the same thing (as I'm sure many others do now)!

At that point, I'd picked up a few swingers' magazines, prowled through some personals, watched shows like "Real Sex"...that sort of thing. Worst of all, I'd bought a book from Amazon (their highest-rated swingers' title at the time) called "Recreational Sex : An Insider's Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle," and when I got to the pictures...well, my thoughts were the same as yours, frankly--it was like something out of a early-80s porn movie. Big hair, bad makeup, outdated hair and clothes...you get the picture.

BUT, last summer, I stumbled on to this site (which immediately broke many of my stereotypes), learned that some rather friends of mine and my wife's were into swinging (which did the same and got me hot as hell to boot), and found Adult Friend Finder. Browse the photos on the latter, and I guarantee your stereotypes will be shattered. If anything, as a slightly-above-average 40ish couple (no ego there, just being honest), my wife and I feel intimidated by many of the folks we've encountered on AFF, and though we've yet to swing, we've turned down--for better or worse--invitations to meet up with some of the couples who've approached us simply because we felt they were clearly out of our league in the looks department. And, to answer another of your stereotypes, we're frequently considered "too old" by some of the whippersnappers in their 20s and early 30s. Ah, the pain!

At the same time, to some of the other comments, my wife and I quite like the PTA crowd--of which we are proud and willing members--and find "average" folks more attractive overall than "Ken and Barbie" types. While neither of us would turn down the "right" couple of 10s, there's just something about "normal" women who are down to earth and lacking in the "attitude" department (Can you say "MILF?") that really gets me going, and my wife will similarly take a "nice guy" over an egotistical Adonis any day.

So what's stopping us? We just need to get over our jitters and work out a few remaining issues before taking the plunge. But trust me, there is a balance to be had, and plenty of candidates as well. You just have to know where to look!

[MrPeepers]

My point was that all you ever see frome the media etc are the people that you wouldn't want to even be in the same room with. We are not looking for perfect people, just at least average. This brings up some more questions...

Why are most "older" over 40?
Why are there so many strange people into it?
When people say they are disease free, how do you trust them?
When doing oral do most people use protection?

To me oral using a condom etc would ruin it. I know about the STD thing.

Thanx

[Elusive BiFem]

The vast majority of the population place very negative connotations on swinging, as biblonde said...a bunch of perverts, etc. Therefore, the media, in their attempt to sell to the masses, has a vested interest in portraying the most negative aspects of swinging. That is what their viewers want to see. Think about it...if your local newspaper came out with an article touting the fun and "advantages" of swinging, what would be the response of their readers. Sheer outrage. And would you be willing to write a letter to the editor...signing your name...explaining why you thought it was so wonderful? Most of us would not. That's life.

As for the over 40 crowd, which I'm a very proud member of? You will find a cross-representation of society in swinging. Go visit your local grocery store...look around. Really young, young, old, older, really old, short, fat, skinny, blonde, ugly, attractive, clean, scrungy, personable, rude...and some of these same people are swingers. And the same thing holds true for "strange" people. How do you know your next door neighbor that you cook out with on Saturday night, golf with on Sunday...isn't "strange?" And of course...what is your definition of strange? People are into different things...group sex, gang bangs, BDSM to name a few. Does that make them strange because I'm NOT into those sorts of activities?

As for the disease free thing...trusting people. Fact of the matter is, you really can't. There may be the occasional situation where a couple that has been 100% monogamous for the last 20 years meets another like them - or so they say - but even then, you can't be certain. You weigh the pros and cons...just as you do in any situation. Use condoms. Make the best choices possible in terms of partners. But no, there can never be any guarantee. There are inherent risks, but again, there are risks in getting in your car and going to work each morning.

I'd dare say that the majority of us that post here and on other boards feel that we are "average." But my "average" may be quite different than yours. As for personality? I've met some of the most personable and outgoing and friendly people in swinging circles that I've ever met. And really, I think I'm one of them. You have to really get to know people, tho'. You don't just walk into a room or pick up a magazine or look at web pictures and think, "Oh! the perfect people!" Many fine qualities and positive attibutes come through as you get to know people...no different than any other aspect of your life.

- EBF

[yawanna]

My point was that all you ever see frome the media etc are the people that you wouldn't want to even be in the same room with. We are not looking for perfect people, just at least average. This brings up some more questions...

Why are most "older" over 40?
Why are there so many strange people into it?
When people say they are disease free, how do you trust them?
When doing oral do most people use protection?

To me oral using a condom etc would ruin it. I know about the STD thing.

If you are referring to what you've seen in the media of swingers, then you aren't getting the 'big picture'. I've watched the 'documentaries' , When Two Won't Do for eg. and Real Sex most recently. (Does anyone else notice Nina Harltley's speech impediment??) Real Sex seems to go for the fringe and underground stuff. I personally found a definite undercurrent of BDSM - everything from strap ons to floggings and leather/pvc fetish wear - in swinger venues. One of our Swinger Clubs tried running a Fetish Night for a while. And another one had a Dungeon BDSM night a few times. It's nothing hardcore though.....just more titillation.

The people we've met at house parties, clubs, nudist resorts and online are just as EBF said - diverse. Every venue will have this diversity. At any given club or house party at any given time, there will be a few 20 somethings, mostly 30 & 40 somethings, a few in their 50's, and the occasional elderly person. yes I'm serious They will be anywhere from reed thin, to average height and weight, to gym bunnies, to BBW. There will be blue collar, white collar, professors, stay at home moms, people on disability.

Some can carry on a decent conversation, some are friendly and outgoing, some are shy, some are there just for the sex.

It's all about getting in there and seeing what it's all about in your neck of the woods, and deciding which clubs and venues and their members/guests you feel most comfortable with. And always respecting everyone's choice to do the same. Because really, it's a small world, and you may see those people again

Oh, and... always safe sex, however you define that for yourselves, and always ask the others what their preferences are... - I don't care if they claim to have lived on a deserted island with only each other for the past 20 years, we're at least using a condom

[leftcoastcouple]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
The vast majority of the population place very negative connotations on swinging, as biblonde said...a bunch of perverts, etc. Therefore, the media, in their attempt to sell to the masses, has a vested interest in portraying the most negative aspects of swinging. That is what their viewers want to see. Think about it...if your local newspaper came out with an article touting the fun and "advantages" of swinging, what would be the response of their readers. Sheer outrage.

The media stereotype doesn't always hold true, EBF, at least not out here in California. Over the past few years, I've read several neutral and even positive pieces, mostly in small and alternative papers, but most notably this one from the San Francisco Chronicle:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...9/MN242428.DTL

I think it probably depends in large part upon where you live. But I also think that networks like HBO and TLC, while leaning toward the "fringe" as yawanna points out, expect that a large part of the audience viewing shows on topics like swinging will either be participants or those interested or at least sympathetic to the subjects. Why else would they risk upsetting viewers and, in the case of TLC and other commercial networks, advertisers, by airing such shows? I've been quite surprised just how graphic some of the networks are willing to be lately, given how uptight the average American viewer can be. I'd hate to see the boycotts and letter-writing campaigns of the 80s and 90s (over such mild things as "Married With Children") come back.

I'd dare say that the majority of us that post here and on other boards feel that we are "average." But my "average" may be quite different than yours.

On this, I agree with you completely--and the same goes for the use of the term "attractive" in describing one's self. Seems if anything as if those who call themselves "attractive" in their ads, particularly on AFF, tend to be less so, and those who either don't bring their relative physical attractiveness up or call themselves something like "average" tend to be more attractive. Generalizations, yes, but after viewing thousands of ads, I still chuckle over the frequent disparity between a couple's description of themselves and what you see in the photos they provide.

[Elusive BiFem]

You are certainly correct, leftcoastcouple, in saying that there are
occasionally some "neutral and positive" articles, but as you said, these are generally from the alternative papers and such. And, too, California as I understand things, tends to be far more liberal than a huge portion of the country. Even in the article you referenced, the following statement was made..."It has inched into more mainstream and upscale circles, he says, but for many there remains a fear of condemnation.

"In 25 states, you can run for office and be openly gay, but if you come out and say you're married and that you have sex with other couples, you won't get elected," Gantz said.

...again showing the stigma of swinging.

As for TV shows and such...I'm one of these strange people that does not have cable TV, so I don't really know what happens there other than what I hear. But I wonder how swinging would be portrayed on 48-Hours or 60 Minutes...or others. And the Dallas Morning News? I wouldn't even want to be around to see that!

All in all, except with some rare exceptions, I still believe the media does a great deal to stigmatize swinging in the negative direction...that is what the majority of people want to hear. And thus, swingers are evil creatures for most.

But you know...our society, while making great strides, has not gotten to the point that people (not all, of course) can except sex as something fun...pleasurable...something to be enjoyed. Men still sneak around on Valentines day to purchase sexy nighties for their wives...embarassed to be seen in Victoria's Secret. We are cautious of purchases made online. We want to be certain they come in plain brown wrappers with no identifying names! Even Playboy...a magazine that by most current standards is exceedingly tame.

Is it right? Nope! And I sometimes wish I could be more honest and open even about my own sexuality...but unfortunately, we all have to exist on a daily basis with neighbors, friends, and family.
Slowly we will make strides, but ever so slowly, I'm afraid.

- EBF

[yawanna]

OR.....

until we start our own annual parade... I have a chant....


'we sing..we swing...get over it!'





hey... I walked topless over the Peace Bridge with Gwen Jacobs for women's right to go topless....