What do you mean by "chemistry"?

[Tarnished Halo]

Hello Everyone,

This post concerns the attraction or "chemistry" thing. Does that mean that I have to be "physically" attracted to the male part of a couple? I know that I find a lot of people "interesting" to talk to, but that doesn't extend into the "I would like to see them in my bed", thing. So....does this mean, that I should find them sexually visually exciting? Does that mean I think they are an interesting person, and would like to know them better? I am a touch confused about the chemistry thing, can anyone clear this up for me?

[biblonde]

well,

chemistry can mean alot of things...To me it isnt always just physical attraction. I look more tward personality...but there does have to be some physical attraction if we are gonna play. not the ken and barbie look but enough to attract me. You will know if there is chemestry or not when you meet someone. If you dont see them "in your bed" well dont invite them...but if you find them interesting and would like to get to know them better..you may change your mind in the future and want to envite them. Attraction is a lot of things to alot of people..i find great personalities a major turn on even if the person is totally hot..go with your instincts they are usually right!

best of luck hope that helped

my 2 cents for the day!...s

[BradAndJanet]

I'm not sure I can answer for you, but I can tell you how I personally feel about chemistry. For me it isn't really based on visual stimulation. Yes, my potential partner can't be physically repulsive, but I'm more interested in getting off on her mind, not her body.

I like people who enjoy laughing and having a good time, are sexually open-minded, and are honest with me and with themselves. That makes the chemistry for me.

But, it's different for everybody and what I said may not hold true for you. You may want to ponder exactly what makes a man sexually attractive to you, and I think you'll find your answer there.

-B

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo
I am a touch confused about the chemistry thing, can anyone clear this up for me?

Chemistry is different for everyone. Everyone has their own preferences, which is what is so nice about the variety of people in the lifestyle.

There isn't any point in telling you what is attractive to me, because, I'm just me and chances are, you may not find the same thing attractive.

As Brad said, think about what you both find attractive, then you can begin your search from there.

[sexypairca]

Chemistry and attraction are two different things in my book.

Chemistry isn't necessarily a physical attraction but more like a feeling that I am drawn towards someone. I can feel this way about someone immediately upon meeting them. The reason behind the chemistry is usually not something that I can pin-point. More often than not, it will be found with someone that typically "isn't my type". I am willing to bet that this didn't help your search for answers .

Annette

[hmr]

Not to sound repetitious, but attraction or "chemistry" is a personal preference. Everyone is different. What may be attractive and totally chemical to one, may be a complete turn off to someone else.

I look at the person as a whole. I get to know them. I am more interested in their personality,intellect,humor and sensuality than just physical appearance. What is right for me may not be for you or anyone else.

You need to decide what you find attractive and sexually stimulating. When you meet someone who has these traits, you will know if there is any chemistry or not.

mrs. hmr

[JustAskJulie]

I think it varies from person to person. What it really comes down to tho is whether or not you want to have sex with someone. Regardless of whether you find them interesting or physically appealing if you aren't interested in following that up with sex, then you shouldn't do it.

[Chicup]

Ummm, this is a very odd question for a sexually active person to ask. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but it’s the kind of question you would expect in some bad some science fiction story where a robot becomes human and starts to ask about sex. If you don’t know what kind of people you find sexually attractive on a physical or emotional level, I rather doubt anyone here can figure that out for you.

[Fire_and_Air]

Tarnished Halo, if you find yourself questioning whether you're attracted enough to someone to go to bed with them, I would strongly guess that the chemistry isn't there, and you probably shouldn't do it. I used to ask myself this question many times when I first started swinging. You can meet people who are attractive and nice to look at, yet you might not really "click" with them on an interpersonal level.... or, you can meet someone who you really enjoy talking to and spending time with, yet you know you're definitely not as physically drawn to them as to your partner. You'll know when you meet someone who really interests you or who stirs you up, and that's the person or couple that would be best to consider as a potential playmate.

[Tarnished Halo]

To clarify the situation, we received a photo of a couple, who I am sure are very nice,however, I am not the least interested in playing with them. I find my husband one of the most exciting and handsome men I have ever met, so I am a bit spoiled that I have one of the best, but was wondering if perhaps I am holding people to this "standard"? I understand that there are people who would look at MY photo and "pass" and I am certainly allright with that. Not swinging yet, I am just not sure and hope that you can all understand my uncertainty. Ideally, a young male model would suit me just fine, but he wouldn't be interested in me! Again...I am allright with that. I just don't know if I should be looking for the personality side of people, or if I should just go with the physical attraction.

[Brit_Pair]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo
I just don't know if I should be looking for the personality side of people, or if I should just go with the physical attraction.

You should go with whichever one floats your boat the most.

From what you've said already - your "most . . . handsome" husband, your ideal of a "young male model" - physical appearance appears to be the primary draw for you. If that's all you're looking for, and you're unconcerned with being thought of as potentially superficial (some might voice the opinion, more people might be thinking it) then do what makes you feel best.

'Personality' usually follows 'appearance' in the order in which they impact upon us, in that we usually see people before we get chance to really know them. It's more difficult to derive a true idea of a person's/couple's personality from a one-off photo/advert/email, no matter how revealing or well-written. If you want to know what they're like inside - and whether they have a seductive, exciting, sexual personality - you'll often have to look beyond their exteriors first, whether those exteriors look like Brad Pitt or Waste Pitt.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo
To clarify the situation, we received a photo of a couple, who I am sure are very nice,however, I am not the least interested in playing with them. I find my husband one of the most exciting and handsome men I have ever met, so I am a bit spoiled that I have one of the best, but was wondering if perhaps I am holding people to this "standard"? I understand that there are people who would look at MY photo and "pass" and I am certainly allright with that. Not swinging yet, I am just not sure and hope that you can all understand my uncertainty. Ideally, a young male model would suit me just fine, but he wouldn't be interested in me! Again...I am allright with that. I just don't know if I should be looking for the personality side of people, or if I should just go with the physical attraction.

Hi Tarnished! Each time I see one of your posts, it brings up mixed feelings for me. On one hand, I wonder why you are still pursuing this when it seems to be such a difficult struggle for you. On the other hand, I have to give you a great deal of credit for continuing to struggle with it. Does that make any sense at all?

In regard to your original question, I am much like Chicup and others in that I think it somewhat odd that you are questioning the chemistry aspect of attraction. The chemistry of sexual attraction is an entirely unique thing to each individual and I don't think any of us can define that for another. And sometimes, not even for ourselves. You know, you might take two identical men and stand them side-by-side, and from the physical standpoint, they are attractive. But when you get into the personalities, intelligence, ability to communicate, their ideas, philosophies...just many, many factors...one may become far more "attractive" than the other. Sometimes it's things we can't even define. Pheromones? Maybe. But whatever the reaction, it will always be unique to you or me or anyone else.

As for the second part of your question...for most of us, pictures are nice but only to the extent of determining if the person in question holds any possibility of physical attraction. A photo is a flat, one-dimensional (or is it 2?) portrayal of a person. It tells you very little. Just a few years ago, I visited a foreign country and toured one of the most famous sites on earth. I was sorely disappointed. In the photos that I had seen for many years, it looked fascinating, exotic, breathtaking...and I could hardly wait to arrive. However, when I actually visited the site, I was stunned at how really awful looking it was and felt almost deceived by the photos I had seen. In reality, it looked just like the photos I had seen, but when viewed in the harsh daylight with layers of dirt and trash and hoards of people, the beauty and mystique vanished.

People are the same way. For many of us, we have to get to know the person and as we do, the sexual attraction or chemistry develops. Or it doesn't. All of us can say we like the tall, dark, handsome and buff type. But look around you. Why are some people married to or involved with the short, fair, not so handsome, flabby type? I'd dare say that not a single one of those women involved with that type would tell you, "Oh, yeah...I just get all quivery over a short, fair, ugly, flabby man!" That is where that chemistry or attraction comes into play.

For most, we have to meet and talk to and get to know others before we can really say we feel any attraction and/or chemistry.

The other thing I wonder about with you - after reading your many posts and seeing your struggles. Do you really think you are ever going to find anyone attractive or appealing? I can't help but wonder. Seems that you have been opposed to the idea of swinging from the beginning and if so, I don't think you will ever locate a person or couple with whom you feel any type of chemistry. It's been said a million times, but swinging isn't for everone and that is just as much OK as it is for the sun to come up every morning. Swinging, and the anticipation of same, should be fun, exciting, stimulating...when it becomes work, it just isn't worth it. I somehow think you need to examine, very, very closely, your relationship with your husband and his relationship with you. If you are being led to this against your personal grain, there are issues between the two of you than need resolution before you can even consider swinging. You will never be happy, he will never be happy, any couple you become involved with will never be happy...and I'm just afraid problems will develop that might have no resolution in the end. - EBF

[bear_n_bunny]

EBF darlin', if I was not already married, I'd be bird-dogging you to beat the band. I just love the way you think (and yes, a photograph is 2-dimensional)... You do have a way of cutting through the Bravo Sierra.

Tarnished darlin', EBF is quite correct in that you should look long and hard at whether or not you even belong in swinging in the first place. In another post I recently discussed the sort of "hard-wired" territoriality and selectivity women have regarding who they mate with, and how women who swing are able to override that "programming". You may not have reached that point yet.

As you have probably figured out by now, physical attraction or "chemistry" is a very subjective thing, and means different things to different people.

Those who are more physically attractive, in society's generally accepted sense of the word, tend to be more drawn to the physical appearance aspect. Those of us who are less physically attractive, again in society's generally accepted sense of the word are, perforce, rather more open in their options in terms of what we would consider "attractive".

At first blush, you might meet someone who doesn't really fire your thrusters because of the physical appearace (the non-Brad Pitt sort of guy or non-Catherine Zeta Jones sort of gal). But if you take the time to talk to that person, you may find that he/she is in fact pretty damned hot after all. Many are the times I've met a lady who didn't seem all that attractive at first. But after I got to know them, I often ended up having some great sex with them, and even went back for seconds, thirds and fourths in some cases. I may not get the hot babes with the bodies by Fisher, but I certainly have no complaints, and in many cases believe that I've cum..er, come out ahead in the good times department without them.

I mention all this to emphasize how subjective the concept of "chemistry"
is. As far as I'm concerned, my Bunny is the best looking woman on this planet, not to mention the best lover, and not to put too fine a point on it, the rest of you are also-rans. And Bunny says any woman who won't play with me is an idiot, because they are missing out on some great sex with yours truly; a sentiment with which I wholeheartedly agree...

However, I don't get overly upset because of all those dumb ladies out there, because, again, I know how subjective these things are, and to fight it is rather like trying to hold back the tide with a fork...

Even though Bunny and I already have "the best that's ever been" with each other, we still enjoy swinging. Not only is the recreational sex aspect fun, but what we really enjoy is the social aspect; spending time with like-minded couples, with whom we share common interests, and this does not mean just sex by any means.

If you are serious about swinging, since you have not actually started yet, I would suggest you and hubby go out to some off-premise clubs, and/or meet a few couples just for dinner or drinks. Take a good look around you at the other people. Talk to them. Get a feel for how other couples view swinging and how they approach it (reading about it here is one thing, actual talking to people is something else, and in some ways far more informative).

And above all, come down off your high horse and RELAX. No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to do (and I would hope this includes your hubby), certainly not with anyone you don't have "chemistry" for. However, after a reasonable period of time, if you can't get past the "I find my husband one of the most exciting and handsome men I have ever met, so I am a bit spoiled that I have one of the best" mindset, and so can't see yourself getting intimate with anyone else, then I would suggest you find another hobby.

As has been pointed out, not everyone is cut out to be a swinger, and you may be one of those (not that you or anyone else is to blame for this state of affairs; it simply IS, and therefore is not something to get overly upset about).

-- Bear

[Chicup]

Originally posted by Tarnished Halo
To clarify the situation, we received a photo of a couple, who I am sure are very nice,however, I am not the least interested in playing with them.

Ok, if you are not in the least bit interested, then pass. There are people who no matter what their personalities, I wouldn't have sex with them for anything besides sums of money so large that they have no real meaning. Thats what the picture stage is for

Now if the couple is in your 'I'd do it' realm of attractiveness, THEN meet and see if you like whats beyond the picture.

Now of course there might be people who are NOT attractive to you, that once you get to know them you would enjoy sex with BUT normally in swinging the sex will come long before you reach that stage of emotional understanding.

[wrnakedru]

Although I would agree that the definition of "chemistry" or "attraction" is extremely subjective - and varies not only from person to person as to the definition, but can vary for one person so much that it would be impossible to say one particular "look" is their top most criteria.

Both of my husbands have been bald (or close enough that is what most would call them) and while I do find it enormously attractive when a man conveys self-confidence regardless of physical traits others may not appreciate - - I cannot truthfully say I find a head of hair an UN-attractive feature on a man.

There are very few "no compromise" things I simply cannot get past in people - and so no matter what positive attributes they may possess - if they have conveyed one of my "no way" traits - it's just not going to ever work for me. My hubby has a very few on his "no compromise" list as well - - we each understand, recognize and respect the others list, since it is very short.

Some people are very photogenic and their photos even compliment them. I am [I feel] not among those - and always hope folks will give me the opportunity to "shine" in person, rather than reject me from a photo. With all of us, photogenic or not, - personality, presentation, expression, humor, intelligence, kindness, sincerity, similar interests, attitude - are SO much more a reflection of us - who and what we are - that our photos can ever convey.

So for me (and my hubby), since we seek those we can share friendship with FIRST - as a prerequisite for intimate sharing - those aspects speak volumes. Not to say there haven't been some photos we have received that we have not just had to look at one another and say - "It ain't happening for me." That will happen, of course. It is most often the case when one (or sometimes both) unfortunately display something from our "little lists". Or lack the ability to so much as smile in a photo they are sending to convey themselves to us. Or - if there email further expounds something left unsaid in their profile, and makes them a non-match.

But if what we have read seems equitable, they are smiling in their photos, and seem to possess some humor and intelligence - we are agreeable to meet them. [They must understand our "no first date" stuff is not a come-on, just a simple fact]

Sometimes it doesn't take long to figure out there is no future to the relationship, by any definition. And we try to always have a rational reason for the meeting being cut short at say, 45 minutes or so. [anything less is too blatantly rude, we think] On a rare and wonderful occasion, you feel like you could sit and talk on and on - - like you are meeting old friends, but with the fun of finding out all about each other, because you're new friends. And it is amazing how fast the time has passed. [I recall an almost 5 hour "lunch" meeting with a smile]

Don't hold yourself to thinking someone is going to bowl you over and make your breath come in short gasps of excitment. There is a process of becoming acquainted that should be respected - and you will be delighted when you find those you thought not "sexy" [or whatever your thoughts may have been] - to become that and more once dimension has been added to their personality with a "face to face" no pressure meeting.

No one is ever going to strike you with the same level of intensity of emotion that your husband does - nor should they. I think that would be an indication of something wrong on the home front if that DID happen. But a genuine "liking" of someone is a very good thing - and a desire to know more - and spend more time together is a very reliable indication of "attraction" or "chemistry".

Don't expect to KNOW for certain about chemistry/attraction until and unless you have met someone. If they have "fit" your basic criteria, whatever those may be, you [and they] deserve the opportunity to know one another further. If there is a basis for friendship, well, hell, girl - that's a pretty good place to start, isn't it?

You can always find a reason to reject anyone or everyone - you need to give yourself an opportunity to find those who are not worthy of your rejection. It also should help assist your comfort level. If nothing further ends up transpiring - you will at the very least made some delightful new friends.

Just my thoughts/opinions.
Good luck! Relax, and allow for the chance to have a nice time.