Can a man have sex with a woman without physical attraction?

[Ditto]

Hi ya'all,

Please forgive this really stupid question but Mr Ditto and I have been having a disagreement that maybe ya'all could help us with.

He thinks that a man can have sex/swing and not be really attracted to the women.

On the other hand I think that most women have to be attracted to the man in order to have sex/swing.

So....... Do the ladies of the board need to feel a "Real" attraction for the guy OR is a genuine fondness for him all that is needed to make the decision to swing?

Thanks

Mrs Ditto

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Ditto
Hi ya'all,

Please forgive this really stupid question but Mr Ditto and I have been having a disagreement that maybe ya'all could help us with.

He thinks that a man can have sex/swing and not be really attracted to the women.

On the other hand I think that most women have to be attracted to the man in order to have sex/swing.

So....... Do the ladies of the board need to feel a "Real" attraction for the guy OR is a genuine fondness for him all that is needed to make the decision to swing?

Thanks

Mrs Ditto

Actually, Mrs. Ditto, this is a really interesting question and could be answered several different ways, depending on interpretation.

For the purpose of my own clarification, I'm defining "attraction" as liking the looks, body build, hair, etc., etc. while "fondness" is defined as liking the person for their personality, common interests, values, etc., etc.

OK...for me...like most I suspect, physical attraction is the first thing I notice in a stranger. It's either there or not. However, beyond that is the "fondness" aspect and that comes into play greatly for me. I could meet the worlds Adonis but if he didn't hold appeal for me in terms of personality, conversational ability, and many other non-physical attributes, I would not want to swing with him. Somehow...someway...people that are all of the things that I personally appreciate in people take on an attractive appearance. Maybe not immediately, but over time.

Now as for attraction, you could also be speaking of "sex appeal." Again, tho', the Adonis may have the initial sex appeal, but 2 minutes of boring conversation or the impression that he thinks he's greater than I think he is (among other things) will kill any attraction I may have initially felt.

So! Until clarified further, I vote for "fondness." - EBF

PS: I've read this 2-3 times. When I do that, it seems I've always missed the point. (Upfront disclaimer!)

[saranmark]

There's gonna have to be some sort of attraction for me-- whether it be to his great personality, his beautiful body, his sweet smile, etc.

I'm not going to be attracted to an empty-headed guy, either. So he will have to be somewhat intelligent.

I sort of have high standards, though, I guess. I 'm married to the world's greatest guy!

Best,
SARA
(who is feeling very affectionate towards her hubby today!...)

[jen]

I read the initail post, and I thought I could respond and feel good in doing so. Then, I read EBF's response and now...

I'm sitting here with my head tilted to one side, my mouth open just a little, and my eyes have that glazed over blank look...

help
gulp
help

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by jen
I read the initail post, and I thought I could respond and feel good in doing so. Then, I read EBF's response and now...

I'm sitting here with my head tilted to one side, my mouth open just a little, and my eyes have that glazed over blank look...

help
gulp
help

Why, Jen, did my post cause you to gulp and yell for help? I'm confused.... Did I miss the point entirely? - EBF

[thump29]

I have to say there has to be some attraction there and I also look for someone who has a great sense of humor and a good character. Attraction is a necessary thing for me, if its not there then its not normally going to work out.

[jen]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
Why, Jen, did my post cause you to gulp and yell for help? I'm confused.... Did I miss the point entirely? - EBF

I dunno if you did or you didn't, I only know that your thoughts caused me more thoughts and the re - thoughts caused my head to tilt to one side and my mouth.. oh you remember.

The whole thing is confusing cause do you have sex with someone you have zero attraction to? Could you? Is that the question itself?

If I am being asked -- could I have sex with someone that I had no attraction of any kind to...then no just no no no.

If I am being asked...does the attraction have to be from physical appearance...then no just no no no.

Attractions for me very rarely are from appearance.

Maybe a smile or a certain way I was looked at or spoken to.

Maybe the way he interacts with others around him.

Maybe a kindness he expressed to a stranger that I was lucky enough to witness --

Or maybe any combination of a zillion different things has sparked my initial interest. There has to be some sort of interest or attraction.

If I'm being asked would I be ok with someone just having sex with me even though they have no attraction to me of any sort.....then no just no no no.

I dunno or something.

EBF, your post gave me good thoughts as always!

The gulps and helps were from the mix of thoughts. I think I'm better now, my bad.

[Ditto]

Wow Ladies,

After re-reading my initial post, Heck I'm confused now!

The Attraction that I am speaking of is the no holds barred, I wanna jump your bones type of attraction or chemistry if you will.

Lets say you meet a couple at a club. The guy is fairly good looking, has a nice smile, is well groomed, polite and respectful. After several drinks, you get up and slow dance a bit. The conversation is witty and the guy is fun to visit with, but the attraction or chemistry is just not there for you.

In the mean time tho, your partner is enjoying themself with the other half of the couple and the attraction/chemistry "IS" there.

Would you swing with the couple anyway under these circumstances?

Later,

Mrs Ditto

[OhioCouple]

Indeed a tough question... Mrs. Ditto!

In my 43 years, I have only ever seen one man that just flat out floored me. I was in my early twenties and just happened to turn around to him staring me in the face. Needless to say I made a blubbering fool of myself, he wanted change for a dollar and I wanted to faint. I was complete mush and would have been putty in his hands. But he just wanted change.

That said. I can speak for Mr. O and myself on this one. We are attracted to those that are similar to us in our morals and beliefs. That is where the attraction begins. Attractive people come in all sorts of packages and, like Jen, maybe it is just a random act of kindness that we innocently and unbeknownst to them witness, or how they treat the others around them. You can tell a lot about how (speaking of couples here) a person is, in how they treat their spouses. I'm not trying to leave singles out, we just haven't really met with any other than briefly in the context of swinging, so I don't know about that yet.

So attractiveness for us begins with someone who is not self centered, has common interests and those who have good, kind hearts. Once that has been established, then the sparks may begin to fly. And those kind of people come in all kinds of packaging.

So, I suppose you could say we are attracted immensely to the heart and just can't be attracted to those that don't possess one.

As for swinging with someone where we both aren't interested in the other couple, we've been there, done that....and it doesn't work out well for us. So if there isn't mutual interest, we don't play, period.

Geesh, Mrs. Ditto....Are all your questions gonna be this tough?

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Ditto
Wow Ladies,

After re-reading my initial post, Heck I'm confused now!

The Attraction that I am speaking of is the no holds barred, I wanna jump your bones type of attraction or chemistry if you will.

Lets say you meet a couple at a club. The guy is fairly good looking, has a nice smile, is well groomed, polite and respectful. After several drinks, you get up and slow dance a bit. The conversation is witty and the guy is fun to visit with, but the attraction or chemistry is just not there for you.

In the mean time tho, your partner is enjoying themself with the other half of the couple and the attraction/chemistry "IS" there.

Would you swing with the couple anyway under these circumstances?

Later,

Mrs Ditto

Ok, Mrs. Ditto...I did all that writing before, and now....I'm not doing more!

Short answer. No.

I'm only 1/2 of a couple since I'm single, but if I'm not interested in both, no. And...an added twist to this saga...if I don't sense that both like me....no. - EBF

(Bet you didn't think I had a concise answer in me, did you? )

[NNJBoomers]

We are members of an on premise club and go to the club most Saturday nights. As many have said, each night is different. We make it a practice to discuss the various couples that one of us may like to play with to see if the other is also interested in them. After almost 31 years of marriage, we are usually in agreement.

However, the decision to act is up to me, the female half. I am finding that although I may agree with hubby on our interest in a couple, I need more interaction with the couple before deciding to act.

Hubby finds the other wife attractive physically and is ready to play.

I find the other husband attractive physically but hesitate until there has been some conversation.

Now, the conversation usually confirms the initial attraction, but I am more comfortable with taking the time to get to know the other couple.

Hope I made sense.

Pauline

[naughty A]

Originally posted by Ditto
He thinks that a man can have sex/swing and not be really attracted to the women.

On the other hand I think that most women have to be attracted to the man in order to have sex/swing.

Uh... I'd have to say exactly the opposite.

for a man to achieve an erection... I would expect some attraction would have to be there.

but women can have sex even without being excited...

Lets say you meet a couple at a club. The guy is fairly good looking, has a nice smile, is well groomed, polite and respectful. After several drinks, you get up and slow dance a bit. The conversation is witty and the guy is fun to visit with, but the attraction or chemistry is just not there for you.

In the mean time tho, your partner is enjoying themself with the other half of the couple and the attraction/chemistry "IS" there.

Would you swing with the couple anyway under these circumstances?

depends on Your PERSONAL Rules

if you only swing together... never separately then... No...
there should be mutual attraction between all the parties involved.
the other term I have heard used for this is "take one for the team"...


if you do swing separately than... that is between you both... whatever your own rules are... he can go off with her and leave you free to find your fun elsewhere...

[Bedmates]

For us, we both want attraction.

I have to find the woman exciting. I'm not going to do just anyone so she can have her stud.

Same the other way. She has said no to couples where I was going NUTS. We had a couple send a picture. She was amazing. He was 15 years older and quite overweight.

So, for us, we both have to be into it. No charity here.

[Vjklander]

I think most men or women CAN have sex with no attraction, but most won't. We really prefer to be at least friends before we jump in the sack. On the other hand, once when I arranged a GB for my hunny, I had her blindfolded and taped the proceedings(with all permissions of course). She had no idea who was doing her until she saw the tape and even then some she didn't know at all.
J

[J & K]

OMG--I not even going to read the other post after reading the first.

Personally---I can look less at the looks for the female, but the MRS "k" is VERY picky on the men of cpls. So picky we have not been able to full swap yet!!!! Oh---it's killing me!!!! Sexy looking ladies and ugly men----hehehehehe. It is going to take us years at this rate.

As "K" says----she bets these men were once good looking when they first married, but have let themself go as time goes on.

She wonders why the females tend to look better as time goes on. I turn 40 in 6 weeks and wish more men would take care of their body and looks so my mrs would want to play----lol. I can say it is ok for a lady to be slightly overweight and still feel ok about it, but the mrs says she will not lower her standards on a man's body to mine. Maybe I should get fat too just so I can play---hehehehehe. Oh well---we all hold good looks in our own eyes. What I think looks good the mrs says yuck and vice versa.