Can a man have sex with a woman without physical attraction?

[JustAskJulie]

This is one of those areas where I really think that swinging differes from dating. In the real world, I think that as a woman I do have to actually be attracted to a guy to have sex with him. Granted that attraction may not always be looks based. I can think of several guys that on the surface I didn't find attractive but getting to know them definately made them look better and more attractive to me.

When it comes to swinging, there have been many cases where I wasn't necessarily attracted to the guy but I did like him as a person (was fond of as you said) and therefore would swing with him (if all other things balanced out - his wife and my hubby were attracted/ wanted to play/ etc).

[wolfmaiden]

I feel like I have to have a physical attraction to someone before considering a canidate. My husband feels the same way. Than if they have brains that would add to the fun.
We met a few couples where the man was ugly but the woman was attractive. In the same token we met a couple where the man was attractive but the woman was so so. It is hard to find people we are both attracted to.

[nc_couple_28304]

I think there has to be an attraction on all ends for it to work... As far as "taking one for the team" We personally couldn't do it...

We are in it together and if one of us is not enjoying any part of it then whats the point.

[angihay]

Ok so I am having some what of the same problem with my other half. He has talked to this couple and is attracted to the female half but I am not attracted to the male half. I decided ok I'll talk to him maybe get to know him a little better then just maybe I'll feel better about it right. Well in talked to him almost everything he well let's say types annoys me he has the worst manners and attitude I've have ever dealt with so I'm saying no here!

[DevilzAdvokit]

Why in the world would anyone want to have sex with someone that they are not attracted to? I guess I could physically force myself to screw a goat or a fellow inmate if I had to. But really? This is something that I have never understood about some swingers and this is certainly not the first time I have heard it. I guess some people will just screw anything just to do it. Thats not swinging, thats just sleazy.

The Devil

[Tantra]

I suppose it depends on the couple's rules. We are in this together, so for us that means that both of us agree on our playing partners. Some people have a wider variety of tastes than other people .. this does not imply better or worse, just different. If any half of a couple doesn't have a problem "taking one for the team" then go for it, but he/she should not be expected to do so and certainly not pressured to do so.

Tantra

[yawanna]

What a great question Ditto! We find attraction such an ephemeral thing....aside from I want the guy to have a decent "package", and I'm learning to give a little grope there before getting hot and heavy, (3" hard JUST won't do it for me) we don't have any checklist or limiting criteria. We just give each other a little nod if we like them. No nod? No play.

One couple we had seen pics of beforehand and who were good friends of another couple hosting a houseparty, were much hotter in person facelick . The man was really into me, all smiling and talkative and seemed like a really good guy. His wife, however, hovered around checking us out, and the next time the man was near me, he had become rather reserved. We assumed his wife had exnayed any further involvement and we let it be.

I found out later, quite by accident, that these 2 aren't married, aren't even living together and so now I have a lot of questions about them...are they married to other people? Are they really in a relationship or just 'tickets' to get to events? I should clarify that honesty and a stable relationship are important to us and we ask our play partners to be the same.

One other difficulty I have is that I'm not bi and so many swinger women ARE. I'm just not sexually attracted to women and I've always felt very uncomfortable when women come on to me. So many men want to watch women get sexual with each other, and when I say 'I'm not bi' you can pretty much hear the doors slam shut. *clang*

In one other instance, we had attended a private party, and one couple got in touch with us a few days later. The man asked to meet for a coffee. My guy couldn't attend, so the other man and I met. He told me that his partner was really into my guy and they wanted us all to get together again and he wanted it to be a surprise for her. Warning bells should have gone off then, but they didn't. We arranged to meet and, as long as the other guy was watching her, he was fine. When he had to pay attention to me, he went soft. It became painfully clear that because we were a couple, they felt they had to allow me along for the ride.

And guess what...turns out these 2 were married, but not to each other. I have since learned, the hard way, to talk more and get to know couples before you play, to ask 'are you married?' then ask 'to each other?' and to be sure that he is attracted to ME and not the IDEA.

[hmr]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
Granted that attraction may not always be looks based. I can think of several guys that on the surface I didn't find attractive but getting to know them definately made them look better and more attractive to me.

When it comes to swinging, there have been many cases where I wasn't necessarily attracted to the guy but I did like him as a person (was fond of as you said) and therefore would swing with him (if all other things balanced out - his wife and my hubby were attracted/ wanted to play/ etc).

I completely agree. If I waited for someone I was physically attracted to I might not ever swing. They are few and far between. Atleast in the lifestyle in my area.

What I have found is that looks are not near as important as the person! The more I get to know them, either I like them or I don't. One of my best play friends is the furthest from what I would usually consider as attractive to me. But, he is the most incredible guy. Articulate, funny, warm, friendly, and very erotic.

I must also add: It doesn't matter what the attraction, physical or otherwise if the package isn't there!!

originally posted by yawanna
(3" hard JUST doesn't do it for me)

mrs hmr

[Chicup]

Originally posted by Ditto
Hi ya'all,

He thinks that a man can have sex/swing and not be really attracted to the women.

On the other hand I think that most women have to be attracted to the man in order to have sex/swing.

This man can tell you, if I'm not attracted to the girl its NOT going to happen. I'm very shallow when it comes to that. Luckly for me, my wife isn't so shallow

[DevilzAdvokit]

HMR

I think there are two things you need to ask yourself.

1) Why do you have the NEED to swing so badly that you cant wait for someone
you at least find attractive? It sounds alot more like addictive thinking than a healthy interest to me.
2) Why would you chance a disease risk with someone you arent even attracted to? Again this sounds
like getting a "fix" rather than something truly worthwhile that you have a healthy interest in.

The Devil

[hmr]

Devil

Thank you for your insight, but I don't need to ask myself anything about why I swing. Maybe I just didn't explain myself well enough for you!

The point I was trying to make, is physical attraction is not the only attraction between people. Especially swingers! I am not talking about a 'Steak tied around the neck Dog'. Just your average Joe that doesn't really turn me on.

After getting to know someone, they have certain qualities that make them more attractive as a person. Thier personality, attitude, vivaciousness, an ease about them you might say. Some people just seem to have an air about them that is contagious. I am very picky! But looks don't mean anything if the person is an ass or an uneducated redneck! You give me a halfway decent lookingman, with a good personality, can carry on a intellegent conversation, and then we might be cooking with gas.

As far as a man's package, I usually don't know until after we have finally decided to have an encounter. Then it is too late! I may just be in for a boring night. Not a complete loss though, because I was attracted to him in the fist place by something. There has to be some reason! I am not just there because I want to get laid! I could do that without going through the trouble of getting to know someone, setting up meetings and all the other bullshit!

I don't know about you Devil, but I didn't marry my husband because of his looks.....and I sure didn't start swinging because of all the good looking people in the lifestyle. I'm in the lifestyle because I and my husband enjoy it. We enjoy sharing ourselves with others. We like the excitement, and stimulation it brings into our lives and marriage. We also enjoy the friends we have met, and new ones yet to come. I am not addicted, but I am not going to turn down a man just because he does not look like Viggo Mortenson, or Kevin Costner! Beauty is much deeper than just the skin.

Don't get me wrong.... I do like a hot good looking man! I'm just saying.....Looks aren't everything to me!


mrs. hmr

[bear_n_bunny]

Attraction is in the eye of the beholder. My situation is such that I'm really only strongly attracted to Bear. Ain't love grand. So, as others have stated, attration is the whole package. There are so many factors involved it is hard to quantify. If a man is very attracted to me, that is a huge turn on. So is making me laugh, a good conversation, or the way he treats his SO. Looks comes at the bottom of the list. Of course the more I get to know a couple, the more I get to like them, the more attracted I become to whole package. Heck, the best experience I ever had was with someone I was not physically attracted to but I can promise you I have no regrets about that one.

We've never done the on-premise play, but have always had at least one meeting before getting together. I do have hopes to go to either a party or an on-premise club where I'll probably have a more insightful answer to the question.

-- Bunny

[Cincyboaters]

Good morning! What a great topic! We are in the process of "interviewing" single men at this time to fulfill our MFM fantasy. First, we get their photo from the internet via various swingers boards. If I find their photo attractive then we email back and forth a few times to get a hint of their personality. Then, if all seems to be favorable, we set up the inital dinner/drinks meeting. For me, I HAVE to find the guy attractive and feel there could be a sexual connection. Men and women can be good looking all day long, but if I don't feel sexually attracted to them....It's all over. The personality part comes into play secondary to the physical. I just can't be intimate with anyone whom I don't find attractive. The other thing I am sure to avoid is anyone who is better looking, better built, etc than my hubby. The reason for that, is in an intimate situation, I do not want him to feel inferior or not attractive. So, needless to say, we are having a hard time finding singles, as NO ONE is better looking or has more sex appeal than "Handsome".
In a nutshell, first sex appeal and attraction then personality.
Have a "Nauti" day!
Jen

[DevilzAdvokit]

HMR,

1) I was talking about the criteria that you place on swinging partners. Why would you correlate this to reasons you married your spouse? I certainly hope that you are not placing people you choose to screw for shits and giggles on the same level with your life partner.
2) It wasnt talking about sleeping with someone on the sole basis of looks alone. There are plenty of people out there
who have good personalities, are relatively intelligent, have sex appeal, and are very easy on the eyes(I realize this is relative to the individuals tastes).But that might actually require some personal restraint and may deprive you of immediate gratification. But on the other hand you cant beat it when you find it.
3) If your going to break the "no touching others rule" that most other marriages go by (or are at least supposed to go by) why wouldnt you want it to be for something great instead of mediocre or slightly above.
4) Personally,when we pull our pants down its really really worth it. I guess for some it doesnt have to be.

The Devil

[bear_n_bunny]

I think the reason that Bunny and I tend to look at the "attraction" issue differently than most is because, not to put too fine a point on it, we are not Barbie and Ken clones, who can pick and choose pretty much whomever they want to play with, with all the superficiality that goes along with that. We are a no-more-than "average" couple looks-wise, as those who have met us can attest.

Therefore perforce we have to be a little more "open-minded" about who we play with insofar as looks are concerned. This is not to say that we will jump into bed with just anyone who comes along; far from it. In fact, we have quite strict criteria regarding who we will get intimate with, and what traits they must have before we will play with them.

However, what we have learned, and I think it was Julie who said essentially this same thing, is that we might meet someone who, at first, did not fire our thrusters. However, we also know that there is often more to a person than just their looks (the short version; personality, intellect and common interests), and on more than one occasion we have met with couples that didn't do it for us right off, but after getting to know them, we found that they were, in fact, quite attractive after all. It just took a little closer look to see it, and often it turns out that a great time is had by all.

Those of you who have the luxury of being able to pick and choose those you deign to play with, all I can say is, more power to you, and go forth and enjoy yourselves...while it lasts. Because beauty, like glory, is fleeting...

But even though I can never prove this, I'll wager that we have as much, if not more, sex that the lookers do, and as good as, if not better than (and more often than not, it probably is better), anything the B&KCs get. Which just goes to show, you don't have to look like Keanu Reeves or Catherine Zeta Jones in order to have a fabulous time swinging.

Oh, and as an aside, while I'm not going to name any names here, on a couple of earlier posts I saw some references to women grabbing or feeling up the "packages" of potential male playmates so as to make sure they had big enough cocks to suit them.

Well, my phallic member is a damn sight longer than three inches, but I can guarantee you that anyone that did something like that to me, would not only be denied now and forever the honor and priveledge of worshiping at the altar of Bear's Quality Cock, but she would get one of my famous growls and a big piece of my mind (and if this happened in my home, after that I'd throw her out so hard she'd bounce).

Because that has to be one of the most egregiously rude things I've ever heard of in all my time swinging.

Can you imagine the howls of outrage from all and sundry were I to come up to some potential play partner and grab her crotch and give her a good checkout? After all, anyone *I* play with MUST have a tight pussy, and *I* must make sure ahead of time that she "measures up". I mean, the last thing *I* want is to end up with some gal whose twat is so big that the only STD I could catch from her is windburn.

Yes indeed, I would rather sleep amongst a legion of devils (no, not THAT Devil... for twenty years than endure the invective the female swinger community here would heap upon me for five minutes should I make such an admission. Hell, if that got out they'd kick me out of the Houston swinger community and I'd have to wear a paper bag over my head for six months or however long it took to live it down.

Now, I know that the ladies can get away with a lot of things us guys would never be allowed to; after all, they are the Keepers of the Sweet Spot, and so have the power. And as has been discussed in this thread, we all have our "requirements" vis a vis potential play partners, and that is fine.

But even so, I still say that this is the most incredibly crass thing I've seen in a dog's age, from a male or female, and anyone who would admit to it should also be paper-bag-over-the-head ashamed (never mind that in so doing, the tacit admission is also that they themselves have one of those windburn-sized love tunnels, which is why they have this Dick of Death fixation in the first place; an admission that, were I female, I would be disinclined to make public, just as the guy with the three-inch penis would not want that bit of news about himself getting out either).

Consider yourselves suitably chastised.

-- Bear