self esteem problems

[tangyspecial]

I will put my question first and then go into background details.

Has your self esteem ever gone down dramatically because of swinging? If so, how did you overcome your body issues?

My hubby and I have been together for 8 years, swinging for the past year. We are young (I'm 25, he is 29) and have three kids (the youngest is 20 months), all of them breastfed. I have been battling bad self esteem for years because of the effects of having kids and breastfeeding on my body. Even though I know I look good dressed, I haven't been able to get past not looking perky and stretchmark free. My husband and everyone else we know assure me I am incredibly sexy all the time, and I know that to them I am. This issue is all in my head, but I can't seem to get over it and it is getting worse. The more women I see naked, the more ashamed I am of my body. These women assure me I am hot, but they either have no kids or had them ten years ago and have since recovered.

I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that some of the veteran women who have been in my situation will help me out.

[SouthBond]

Gaining weight is an issue for many of us. Maybe we have more to eat. Maybe it is chemicals in the food. Maybe we just don't get out and exercise. Whatever, we are getting bigger. Your personality is more important than your looks. Take a look at your relatives. They usually give you an idea of how your body is going to react to babies and time. We found a book called "Eat to Win" by Dr. Haas. It was difficult to adapt to the diet but it worked. We lost a great deal of weight. We found that we felt better about ourselves and it greatly increased our sex drives. Make a plan on how to improve your physical appearance and follow it. Most likely, you are more concerned about your image than others are. Don't worry, be happy.

[bethncole]

Swinging is probably the least judgmental lifestyle when it comes to body image. Your personality and sexuality will by far overshadow your looks. I see couples who are very popular despite being not so good looking simply because of their attitude and sexual appeal, and I've seen "perfect 10" couples with perfect bodies who most people wouldn't fuck with their dogs' dicks.

[catalina8591]

Ha ha ha! Thats was great B&C....I love down right honest people.....

[pinkyloveiv]

I'm sorry that you feel bad about your body image. I can relate though. I've been fooling around with a guy and a couple of times he's tried to go down my pants. Well I always wear tight jeans and when you a have a little "extra" you know what that pudge does, it bunches up at the top of your pants. Every time his hand has gone to my waist, I think about my pudge. But worse than that, I'm embarresed about my stretch marks. From my calves alll the way up to my breasts. (I nursed 4 kids for probably a total 7 or 8 years). I can lose weight but I can't hide deep, scarring stretch marks. The only advice I can give you is what you are already doing. I keep telling myself that if he didn't want to play with me, he wouldn't. He's seen my pudge and even some of my stretch marks and he's still hot to get in my pants. So......if he likes it, I shouldn't worry about it. It's just something I keep telling myself over and over again. Slowly, it is helping. Just try positive reinforcement with yourself and hopefully you will start feeling it soon!

[tangyspecial]

Thanks Pinky. Your reply is more like what I am looking for. Now if only I can figure out how long it will take for this positive thinking to kick in and make me believe it. *sigh*

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by tangyspecial

Thanks Pinky. Your reply is more like what I am looking for. Now if only I can figure out how long it will take for this positive thinking to kick in and make me believe it. *sigh*

When you figure it out tell my wife.

Shes normally one of the best looking women at any of these parties yet she still often feels inadequate.

Swinging HAS helped that to some extent, but sometimes she 'forgets' and goes back into insecurity mode.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by Chicup

When you figure it out tell my wife.

Dito

[ShellyM]

Tangy,
I COMPLETELY can relate to you. Girl, I don't think there is an American woman alive that does NOT have body image issues to some degree. Trust me on this. You are sitting there looking at your body compared to the other women...and I guarantee you they are looking at their body compared to yours. I AM a walking stretch mark. 3 children and lots of weight loss has pretty much left me covered in them. Do I look like I did at 20? Nope. I look like a healthy 35 year old woman, and thats who I am. I know its easy for me to tell you to accept your body for the beautiful creation that she is, but until YOU see yourself as beautiful everything we say does not matter. My friend wears a size 4 jeans. What society would call HWP. She sat there in tears telling me how horrific she looks because she is too bony, why can't she be more curvy like me. And I'm sitting there with my mouth hanging open thinking "here I am looking at her every day wishing I had HER body, and she is sitting there everyday wishing she had MY body"..... the object is to accept yourself for the beautiful woman you are. Confidence is the biggest turn on there is. When you fall in love with yourself this will come out from within you, and I guarantee you there will be a positive response. Instead of looking at what you consider to be bad look at the good.
Best of luck to you girl, Shelly

[tangyspecial]

Thanks everyone. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one in this boat. I know that a lot of women feel this way, but I figured that women involved in the lifestyle had all gotten over it.

My problems really started when we started playing with another couple our age who doesn't have any kids. Before then, I would worry about rejection, but not obsess about it. For the first time in my life, I started seriously thinking about getting breast implants just to fit in. Breastfeeding for a total of 5 years has really taken it's toll on my girls.

After a long talk with the hubby last night, I think we came up with a solution. We will still continue to play with this couple (they obviously don't mind what I think is wrong with me and we have become good friends), but from now on we will seek other couples who have children. I'm not worried about being rejected once my clothes come off by a woman who has been through the same body changes as me.

Feel free to keep the advice coming though girls!

[mrs good times]

Originally Posted by tangyspecial

After a long talk with the hubby last night, I think we came up with a solution. We will still continue to play with this couple (they obviously don't mind what I think is wrong with me and we have become good friends), but from now on we will seek other couples who have children. I'm not worried about being rejected once my clothes come off by a woman who has been through the same body changes as me.

Feel free to keep the advice coming though girls!

If this works for you I understand but I want to give you something else to consider.

I have never had children and consider myself HWP but I also have issues with my body from time to time because there is always someone that you think looks better than you.

I have a scar on my stomach that runs from above the belly button down to the pubic area. I was very self concious about what a guy would think when he saw it for the first time because like you know one would know about it until I got naked. I have had people ask why I have the scar but I have never had anyone turn down play because of it.

In your case I consider you luckier than me because you don't have to explain stretch marks. It's a natural part of being a mother and most women in the lifestyle have or will have children.

[tribbles]

When you get past looks and even thinking about them as something that matters, life is much easier.

Believe the guys who say they don't care, you look good to them and let yourself just enjoy that belief.

And avoid the lame-o's who still are in High School and want the cheerleaders cuz they aren't any fun to play with anyways.....

IMHO

[Youngcalcpl]

I'm starting to think there should be setting on Swing Lifestyle to mark your profile as having had children that or a hot swinging mom's group.

We've still got the marks and so on from having a child and worry about that when thinking of playing with others. It's hard to get over those worries even when another couple proves they find you attractive

[daisy girl]

Most women have body image problems. I used to model and used to be called BB in highschool. BB stood for Black Barbie LOL!! So, I have had people commenting on my body since childhood.

Anyway, I often wonder about my body and how people view me. Some times I feel overweight or ugly or just plain gross. My husband has a hard time understanding my concerns. He thinks I am beautiful.

[ShellyM]

Great posts. Well, its honestly hard NOT to have body image issues in our society. We are taught that a woman's worth is wrapped up in her physical "beauty"...a woman who is more "beautiful" in society's terms is worth more. Its sad but true. And its all a huge lie. The women in the magazines. You don't even know how much she looks like HER because there are so many touch ups done on those pics. Everything from blemishes to love handles, its all designed to create this fake image of what perfection is supposed to be. And that doesn't mention how many models have horrific eating habits along with other habits necessary to keeping those bodies that tiny and thin.
Just love yourself. Trust me, if you are confident people will be attracted to you.
Shelly