Mismatched couples

[oddcouple2841]

This is S

There is no real good answer for this question. We met a very nice couple that are very very nice and we really like. The only problem is that the physical attraction is just not really there for me. Now what do you do?

IMO, I would say if the female part of the couple is willing to have sex with the other guy then you should be willing to have sex with the other female and it should be visa versa if the female part of the couple is not physically attracted to the male of the other couple but you are physically attracted to the female of the other couple. If you are out to have a good time and the couples are understanding that is this is going to be a every once a while when both couples are free, then I don't see a problem with it.

Now back to the original topic of this thread. S and I are pretty mismatched. For starters she is 28 and I am 41. I know that I am an "anchor" for her and she could get many more meetings or attract more potential partners without me.

I don't see you as an "anchor" to me. You are my partner and you will be there with the meetings, so if the other people don't like you for some reason, they know where the door is. As I tell all the people that I talk to without you, you are the final decision maker, if you say no, then it's a no.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by tribbles

Tybee,

Have you gone to the mall and noticed that many people really don't get that excited over appearances?

Tribbles, I don't understand what you're asking me. When people go to the mall (at least in my experience), they are cleaned up and often dressed nice and stylishly, even if they're in jeans. I don't quite get what you mean about "getting excited" over appearances? I know that people do people-watch in malls and other busy places like that. Men seem to especially be girl-watching in the malls.

Originally Posted by tribbles

It's a chore to dress up for a job interview for MANY...I've met some who simply don't....they wear something like they would wear on the job, be that jeans or scrubs instead of a suit for the interview.

Dressing well and grooming well for an interview (in accordance to what the position is) is an indication to the employer that you care about getting this job. They percieve you as putting forth effort to make a great impression, and they think that shows you're the kind of person who makes a good effort, in general (like, on the job). An interview is a time to impress and make a great first impression. It's not just my humble opinion, it's shown widely in studies and human resources surveys. Articles about how to interview well tell people to be impeccably dressed and groomed, and even tell us to dress a step above what the position requires.

In swinging (or dating), I think that the majority of women respond to men the same way as employers do, to men who make some effort.

Originally Posted by tribbles

If personal appearance were that big a fact of life, wouldn't almost everyone work their butts off on it?

A lot of people do work at it. Others either don't really care what others think about their appearance (their personal choice, like you said), or they often make efforts on their appearance short-term, and then don't follow through because it would mean a commitment to a healthy lifestyle, etc. They don't want to work. This is why there are so many phony "quick fix" diet pills on the market. They don't work in the longrun, but people buy them because they want results without the work. Of course, there are people for whom working at appearance means nothing to them, and of course they have the right to not be bothered with it.

Originally Posted by tribbles

All the time unless work was sweaty and dirty...but after work showers and cleaning up would be number 1. Not hitting the bar or grocery store or mall with sweat and dirt still clinging....

Most people seem to aim for clean enough...soap, shower and ready to go.
And this 'norm', especially for the males, is what you gals are complaining about? Am I getting that right?

I think it goes without saying to not show up for swinging all sweaty, grimy and smelly from physical labor. An appealing appearance also includes grooming, a good haircut, nice clothes. Casual nice clothes are great, too. Nice jeans are great. Women don't want to see men in scruffy, worn-out, grungy, sloppy, stained clothes (any more than men want to see women in scruffy clothes).

Originally Posted by tribbles

And gyms would be even bigger than they are...instead of the obesity percentage climbing higher and higher each year. Fast food would be a thing of the past....no one would dare to eat that poorly cuz it would affect their appearance. Do you see less fast food or more?

Gyms are getting bigger, healthy diets (or "ways of eating") are becoming more popular, because the baby-boom generation (many of us) are aging and being fit and healthy (and attractive) requires more work than in our younger years. People who value these things for themselves do the work. Those who don't care, dont. I LOVE this question, because I can answer it personally. Not too many years ago, I was quite overweight and suffering from health problems. I chose to do something about it, and there is only one real way...commitment to healthy eating and regular exercise. For over three years, I've stayed committed to this healthy lifestyle. My health has improved radically. My appearance has even changed pretty radically, for the better. Health is beautiful. Not only a fit, toned and much more attractive body shape, but in the way a person carries him or herself, shiny hair, glowing skin, etc. For both health and a fit body, diets focusing on whole foods and nixing all of the "junk" are very popular now. Personally, I find healthy-looking people to be very sexually attractive. (I'm not talking about "skinny", I mean healthy.)

Who makes all these efforts? People who really care and are willing to do what it takes.

Who keeps on eating the greasy fast food, with the obesity rate climbing more every year in this country - as you pointed out? People who don't care enough to make the change, and for whom the taste of greasy, fattening, artery-clogging food is more valuable to them than their appearance and their health.

I know this is going sort of off track for swinging, but here's where it ties in: Healthy is sexy, it's pretty, and people who take great care of themselves from the inside out have healthier sex lives, too. This is really apparent for men, who run a much higher risk of ED if they have poor diet habits, high BP, adult onset diabetes (caused by overweight and lack of exercise), etc. People who exercise at least moderately, are more fit for bedroom activities. Not just my opinion, but you can find tons of studies to support all of this. So great health and fitness can not only visually attract others to you, it can also help a person have better sexual performance, and a longer sex life well into old age.

Originally Posted by tribbles

While there are judgements made about appearances, most of us learn there are many things beyond it and let it slide from the GQ standards out there.

If any guy is unaware of how he looks and wants to increase his fuckability factor by going more GQ, that's ok. But so is anyone who makes the choice not to.

Again, personal choices...YAY!

Yes, absolutely! Everyone makes their own choices, of course. It's a free world, thankfully.

Originally Posted by tribbles

Maybe what the real question to answer is: Why doesn't everyone want to be GQ/Cosmo material if they are a swinger?

Because swingers are people, and a lot of people aren't motivated enough to make real changes, even if they want the results - just like the rest of the general population.

But personally, I am not talking about GQ/Cosmo. I'm not Cosmo material. According to Cosmo mentality, size 6-8 is too big. LOL! I'm not interested in being Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. I just want to be at my healthiest best. My whole life has been changed for the better since I started to care enough to make the changes.

Being very healthy and fit gives high energy and stamina, and I can't say how great that is for a person's sex life, as well as their life in general. It even affects mood.

This won't be PC, and I'll probably get slammed for this, but people who are healthy from the inside out (excellent diet) and are fit through exercise (including just moderate exercise), tend to be better lovers, with stamina and endurance - especially after a certain age.

I can tell you unequivocally that men used to look right though me as if I were invisible when I was less healthy and heavier. Men passed me over most of the time (I was single & on the dating market.) The difference is like day and night, as far as men being attracted to me. It even makes a difference in how I'm treated by people, in general. I can tell you first-hand how huge a difference it makes. It might not be FAIR, after all I'm the same person with the same personality, etc. - but it's just the way things are.

Hugs!

[Thrax]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Who keeps on eating the greasy fast food, with the obesity rate climbing more every year in this country - as you pointed out? People who don't care enough to make the change, and for whom the taste of greasy, fattening, artery-clogging food is more valuable to them than their appearance and their health.

Mmmmmm...greasy fast food... facelick

Okay, back to the thread topic.

Thrax

[tribbles]

Well, I don't know what part of Georgia you are in...but I'll say that the Inland Empire of So Cal has some pretty scruffy people in the malls.

Granted the people are different when I go into ritzy parts of OC and LA.

Same with swing clubs....some require nice dress and won't let ya in....others have no dress code and most are dressed pretty scruffy.

By Tribbles: Most people seem to aim for clean enough...soap, shower and ready to go.
And this 'norm', especially for the males, is what you gals are complaining about? Am I getting that right?

By Tybee Swing: An appealing appearance also includes grooming, a good haircut, nice clothes.

Yep, sounds like what you are complaining about.

All you can do is be picky. If they don't meet your standards, don't play. Just don't be surprised that these guys/couples DO get others to play with.

Everyone has different standards. You and I differ quite a bit and that's okay.

Hugs,
S

[oddcouple2841]

This is K

Tybee wrote
Gyms are getting bigger, healthy diets (or "ways of eating") are becoming more popular, because the baby-boom generation (many of us) are aging and being fit and healthy (and attractive) requires more work than in our younger years. People who value these things for themselves do the work. Those who don't care, dont. I LOVE this question, because I can answer it personally. Not too many years ago, I was quite overweight and suffering from health problems. I chose to do something about it, and there is only one real way...commitment to healthy eating and regular exercise. For over three years, I've stayed committed to this healthy lifestyle.

Good job Tybee. I do applaude people who work hard and get the results they seek. S and I have a bit of a different problem though. S is over her ideal weight, quite a bit actually. She eats healthy has worked out but really did not lose much. I on the otherhand am naturally thin. You know one of those that piss overweight people off so much because I can eat and eat and never gain a pound. The biggest gain in weight I ever had was when I quit smoking, when I started back my weight went right back down. Now I lift weights some and have been quite serious with it at times. I see huge gains in strength but not in the mirror. I just do not have the body type to become an Arnold. S will probably never be thin unless she simply starves herself and then she would probably still have the wide hips. Our neighbor could not have hardly any body fat and her hips are wide.

I am a big believer in the healthy lifestyle and am not trying to run anyone down or discourage anyone or make excuses but in the end we each can only do so much. You are never going to completely overcome genetics. Eating right and working out will only give the results you seek if genetically you were already predisposed to be that way and simply had over eaten or were too sedentary.

Edited 11/5 9:01 PM

This post is not aimed at anyone in particular and is only meant to point out that each of us faces a different set of genetic circumstances. We are often (myself included) quick to judge others or label persons into neat little boxes. There are plenty of gray areas in many respects. I don't want to be judged negetively because I may be a male with bisexual tendencies and I hope to not judge others to harshly to quickly.

[ShellyM]

I agree with living healthy, but lets be careful that no ones loses their tempers and everything rolls from there

[rpu99]

More often than not, within couple attactiveness will be matched. This has been tested and demonstrated since the mid 60's initially by Elaine Walster, a phenomenon she named the "matching hypothesis". Basically, using the familiar 1-10 attactiveness scale, most couples will demonstrate within couple matches of +/- 1 point. So a seven will be expected to be matched with a six, seven, or eight.

Subsequent research demonstrated that fear of rejection was the major cause of this matching. That is if i am a six and i go for a nine, i am likely to get shot down. so i stick to the fives, sixes, and sevens.

This being the case, when others observe a couple, the expectation is that they match, and most often they do. Because expectations are met, there is little need to notice, or think about matching couples; all is right with the world. In the couples that do not match, expectancy is violated. This expectancy violation directs additional attention and motivates additional thought. So, it makes the violations seem more common than they actually are- that is we don't keep a good count of all the expectancy meeting couples, but we sure do count (and perhaps overestimate) the expectancy violating couples.

ok, that is where the research ends, and this is where my application of that research (read opinion) begins:

Even worse, the expectancy violationg couples, the mismatches, can be especially poignant. For example, seeing a member of couple that is very attractive to you and then seeing that person's partner and knowing that there is no way you partner would consider the other person's partner. One shrugs, perhaps muttering to one's self, how sad, and "why does it always happen like this".

Certainly there are individual differences in what one finds attractive, but in the domain of physical appearance, on average, i believe this holds (which i believe is the basis of mismatch in this thread).

mark

[Mr TybeeSwing]

Interesting Thread,

Excuse me if I am a little thick though, where is it going? Are we asking what a person/couple finds attractive, sexy, or acceptible? The fact that some people are married to people that are not their physical equal? Or have we got into the "I 'm Okay/Your Okay - so fuck me already" mindframe? You will have to forgive me but I am a 40ish, southern, white male; so I don't even know how to spell PC so I won't try. People are attracted to who they are attracted to and that is that. Some people like the GQ crowd and some people like the Field and Stream crowd - hope I don't get hit with a copy right infringement here. The long and short of it is who you want to get nekkid with, is who you want to get nekkid with.

Myself, I have never been able to figure out why a woman would pick me out of a crowd. I have always thought of myself as average, maybe a 6, at best. My face doesn't frighten small children or farm animals and my body is neither Arnold Schwartzenagger nor Arnold Horseshack. So I am pleasantly surprised whenever some lady in the Lifestyle finds me attractive. But anybody that says that they don't dress up to impresh the opposite sex is either lying or deluded. Now as to what is "dressed up" that is where everything gets fuzzy. To some guys it may be a clean shirt, jeans, and shoes that haven't resently stepped in something the dog left and to others dressed up means a Tux with matching socks and underwear. I happen to fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I go the whole nine yards with a suit and sometimes it's the Levis. By the way I feel that Levis are the only designer jeans that a Straight man should actually be familar with, told you I wasn't PC. But when it comes down to it everyman wants to impress the opposite sex. Am I right guys?

As far as the ladies being selective as to who they want to have sex with, that is their choice and not ours. I have been on both ends of the stick, recently Mrs Tybee and I met a couple and the female half was not attracted to me at all. Okay no problem, to each his or her own. We didn't swing with them but there were no hard feelings, we have even seen them at social functions on a couple of occassions and have had pleasent conversations with them.

But ladies it goes both ways, men find different types of ladies attractive, depending on the man. What some men go nuts over others don't. Personnally I have never been crazy about the stereotypical big boobed, blond. One thing that I have found out though is that Mrs Tybee and I don't always agree on what type of woman is attractive, we're close but not 100% together.

I am going to stop rambling on now with this final thought; I treat the Lifestyle almost like dating. I try to put on a good appearance, be on my best behavior, and try not to humilate the Mrs. Cause let's face it the best bait catches the prized fish.

PS. As far as the drinking goes......Ladies the more I drink the better I Look, after 6 shots of tequila I am the best looking guy in the city.

[oddcouple2841]

Mr TybeeSwing - Well Said

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Mr TybeeSwing

Interesting Thread,

Excuse me if I am a little thick though, where is it going? Are we asking what a person/couple finds attractive, sexy, or acceptible? The fact that some people are married to people that are not their physical equal? Or have we got into the "I 'm Okay/Your Okay - so fuck me already" mindframe? You will have to forgive me but I am a 40ish, southern, white male; so I don't even know how to spell PC so I won't try. People are attracted to who they are attracted to and that is that. Some people like the GQ crowd and some people like the Field and Stream crowd - hope I don't get hit with a copy right infringement here. The long and short of it is who you want to get nekkid with, is who you want to get nekkid with.

Myself, I have never been able to figure out why a woman would pick me out of a crowd. I have always thought of myself as average, maybe a 6, at best. My face doesn't frighten small children or farm animals and my body is neither Arnold Schwartzenagger nor Arnold Horseshack. So I am pleasantly surprised whenever some lady in the Lifestyle finds me attractive. But anybody that says that they don't dress up to impresh the opposite sex is either lying or deluded. Now as to what is "dressed up" that is where everything gets fuzzy. To some guys it may be a clean shirt, jeans, and shoes that haven't resently stepped in something the dog left and to others dressed up means a Tux with matching socks and underwear. I happen to fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I go the whole nine yards with a suit and sometimes it's the Levis. By the way I feel that Levis are the only designer jeans that a Straight man should actually be familar with, told you I wasn't PC. But when it comes down to it everyman wants to impress the opposite sex. Am I right guys?

As far as the ladies being selective as to who they want to have sex with, that is their choice and not ours. I have been on both ends of the stick, recently Mrs Tybee and I met a couple and the female half was not attracted to me at all. Okay no problem, to each his or her own. We didn't swing with them but there were no hard feelings, we have even seen them at social functions on a couple of occassions and have had pleasent conversations with them.

But ladies it goes both ways, men find different types of ladies attractive, depending on the man. What some men go nuts over others don't. Personnally I have never been crazy about the stereotypical big boobed, blond. One thing that I have found out though is that Mrs Tybee and I don't always agree on what type of woman is attractive, we're close but not 100% together.

I am going to stop rambling on now with this final thought; I treat the Lifestyle almost like dating. I try to put on a good appearance, be on my best behavior, and try not to humilate the Mrs. Cause let's face it the best bait catches the prized fish.

PS. As far as the drinking goes......Ladies the more I drink the better I Look, after 6 shots of tequila I am the best looking guy in the city.

LOL, I like your post......
But watch your comment on Levis being the only pants...what happened to a good pair of Dockers?

[Hapycmpr]

Wow....lots of good comments here.

*Warning: Science Content*

As artists, reconstructive surgeons and undertakers all know, there is such a thing as a "canon of beauty." When a face is proportioned correctly (to fit this standard) human beings call it beautiful. The farther the proportions are apart, the “uglier” a face gets. This is not just opinion, it is fact. If anyone is actually interested in the scientific methods used to explain this, let me know. The same canon of beauty can be applied to body proportions as well.

Than being said…beauty is also, to a great extent, in the eye of the beholder. To put it simply, what I consider hot, you may not. And further, this opinion not only varies by individual, but by region, social background, and even ethnicity.

Now, back to the original topic. Have we noticed that some couples are mismatched? Yep. So what?

[tribbles]

But anybody that says that they don't dress up to impresh the opposite sex is either lying or deluded. Now as to what is "dressed up" that is where everything gets fuzzy.

mmm.....is it lying or deluded to wear old baggy cargo pants with the bottoms torn (they are just a tad long) and a mens tee shirt-with white granny panties and usually a jog bra if any....

oh that's how the female dresses for two different house parties.

You really don't wanna know how the male dresses!

Granted, shortly after arriving they strip naked.

I think the orignal question was why don't guys with hot wives do more to be attractive? Liking the hot wife but not the hubby means not hooking up.
Grooming tips were even given

[Pepper & Drew]

Actually, the original question was did anyone else notice that couples are mismatched, and that it was, in the OP's case, most often that the woman was hotter than the man. Yes, we've noticed it. We've commented on it. We've talked to other couples who've said the same thing. We even have friends where the guy of the couple said it's why he's the funny guy with the great personality. It's so that he can date women out of his league. He said the women that ARE in his league, he doesn't want to date. I think he's probably right.

Where the :threadjac happened was when people started acting like it was about hotties vs. notties, etc. and what constitutes being hot or not. Since we'll all never agree on that topic, :deadhorse why not say whether you think there are a lot of mismatched couples or not, and leave what makes the couple uneven to each of our own interpretations?

It trips me out how any time appearance or attractiveness becomes a topic people act like somebody slapped their momma or suggested that somehow mentioning attractiveness makes them an evil human.

If looks play a part in advertising, politics, and the job market among other things, why the hell wouldn't attractiveness (or lack thereof) come into play with swinging? Is it really that shocking to think the topic would ever come up on a BB with a bunch of swingers?

Sorry...I hijacked it myself after talking about it getting hijacked. I'm going straight to hell You may now resume your regularly scheduled discussion....

Pepper

[ShellyM]

I don't know that couples are MIS-MATCHED per se. Who knows, you like what you like I guess. I think that Jay and I match pretty well, and most couples we know do too. I guess once you meet a couple you really see why they are together. Like Jay is the quiet one, and I'm the big mouth.........not that this is not something you already know lol. I'm usually flying 190 miles per hour, and Jay says Michelle, sit your ass down lol. We fit very well together. He makes me laugh, what can I say. But in a truly physical sense I would say yes, most couples are a "mis-match".

[HappyPeople]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

Actually, the original question was did anyone else notice that couples are mismatched, and that it was, in the OP's case, most often that the woman was hotter than the man. Yes, we've noticed it. We've commented on it. We've talked to other couples who've said the same thing. We even have friends where the guy of the couple said it's why he's the funny guy with the great personality. It's so that he can date women out of his league. He said the women that ARE in his league, he doesn't want to date. I think he's probably right.

Where the :threadjac happened was when people started acting like it was about hotties vs. notties, etc. and what constitutes being hot or not. Since we'll all never agree on that topic, :deadhorse why not say whether you think there are a lot of mismatched couples or not, and leave what makes the couple uneven to each of our own interpretations?

It trips me out how any time appearance or attractiveness becomes a topic people act like somebody slapped their momma or suggested that somehow mentioning attractiveness makes them an evil human.

If looks play a part in advertising, politics, and the job market among other things, why the hell wouldn't attractiveness (or lack thereof) come into play with swinging? Is it really that shocking to think the topic would ever come up on a BB with a bunch of swingers?

Sorry...I hijacked it myself after talking about it getting hijacked. I'm going straight to hell You may now resume your regularly scheduled discussion....

Pepper

*smooches to Pepper*

Great post.