Swinging & Hygiene/Presentation

[JustAskJulie]

In reading other threads I often see people say that because of the lifestyle they take better care of their bodies, go to greater extent to stay in shape, etc. Whenever I see this I can't help but think "why didn't you do that for your spouse? or for yourself?" Why did it take swinging to make you want to take better care of your body? And what is it about swinging that makes you want to do so?

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners. Too often when we get comfortable in a relationship we take those things for granted... as women we may stop butting so much effort into making sure we have makeup on before we leave the house or for all of us making sure our clothes are just right. So I can see how we get to the point that we don't do what we should to present ourselves, but what is about swinging that changes that?

And beyond that, if your partner is one of those that has started making more of an effort to present themselves since you've started pursuing swinging, how does that make you feel? Do you ever feel jealous that they didn't make that effort for you but now they are willing to for others?

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

In reading other threads I often see people say that because of the lifestyle they take better care of their bodies, go to greater extent to stay in shape, etc. Whenever I see this I can't help but think "why didn't you do that for your spouse? or for yourself?" Why did it take swinging to make you want to take better care of your body? And what is it about swinging that makes you want to do so?

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners. Too often when we get comfortable in a relationship we take those things for granted... as women we may stop butting so much effort into making sure we have makeup on before we leave the house or for all of us making sure our clothes are just right. So I can see how we get to the point that we don't do what we should to present ourselves, but what is about swinging that changes that?

And beyond that, if your partner is one of those that has started making more of an effort to present themselves since you've started pursuing swinging, how does that make you feel? Do you ever feel jealous that they didn't make that effort for you but now they are willing to for others?

We did the same thing. After 5 years of marraige I fell into the rut where I didn't do my makeup and just pulled my hair back for everyday wear. The only time I really did my makeup was when I was going out, and even then it was for really going out, not trips to walmart grocery shopping or anything.

When we began swinging, I started to pay more attention to how I looked leaving the house. Hubby asked me why, and it took me some time to figure out, its because we are swingers now, and it made me more "self concious" when I went out. It did kind of raise the question with us, "Why didnt you do it just for me?" It took some time for me to answer that. As hard as it was to tell him my answer was, "We are married, you love me with or without makeup, so I didnt feel the need. I was wrong. I should want to look my best for YOU first, others second."

So now, I take that extra few minutes to make myself prettied up for him. I get up everyday and do my hair and makeup now, not because I am going somewhere, but because he might stop by for lunch. Now, he feels like I am doing it for him, but in reality I am doing it for me now. I want to be at my best for him. I want him to come in and tell me how beautiful I am, and how much he appreciates the little things I do.

[prettylady]

Intresting comment Julie.
Why wouldn't you take care of yourself, just for yourself or as Julie also stated for your SO.
I stopped taking care of myself when I was married because I was treated badly and I was miserable. But I don't think that is the case with the people here who have said that.
Perhaps when getting into swinging there is a spark that is relit. I know I started to carry myself differently. Not taking better care of myself, just feeling different about myself. Hard to put into words I guess.
Your spouse or SO loves you inspite of flaws. This is what makes people content.
But others you don't know or are meeting for the first time will often make a decision off of first impressions. Therefore you want to be the best you that you can be.
I don't know really, just trying out my thoughts and see what flys.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Thrax]

Picky, picky, picky!

:rollseyes

Thrax

[Spoomonkey]

It is pretty simple really... Unconditional love is not a part of swinging.

If Mrs Spoo lost her incredible figure, I would still love her madly/blindly. I am in love with who she is through and through and nothing on the outside can change that. On top of that, I am convinced that she has the same love for me. It is important to stay in healty for her - but a part of me realizes that if I am not perfect, she loves me anyway.

And in a marriage like that - it is easy to get comfortable - and, sadly, somewhat sloppy. It isn't a great reason, but it does happen. I am beyond impressing her with my "outer attributes"; in the words of Prince, "She Loves Me For Me."

Swinging doesn't have that. People don't LOVE you - they lust for you... They might very well like you - but up front that is hardly important. They are hot for you - they dig you - they want you. That is all the consideration you get in most cases. So - the package is often more important than the contents.

Say what we want about personalities - if there is not some sort of physical attraction the best you are going to get is stimulating conversation. They don't care that your back hurts so you can't exercise or that you have a cute little weakness for chocolate - all they care about is do you trip their trigger...

With that sort of "pressure" - in that sort of environment - your body is your tool. You either bring your "A" game or you settle for "the best you can get." Personally, I enjoy the game - and just like the NFL has a training camp; and in training camp champions are made - swinging has plenty of incentive to "hot up". Sometimes, one more hour on the treadmill is the difference between you going to a room or the other guy going.

I know this sounds very shallow - and maybe it is - but the sex in swinging often is fairly shallow, very surface - based on the most basic attractions and urges. Friendship - as much as we sincerely desire it - is rare. We learned this lesson early. It is not often that someone wants to sit down and find out that you are a fascinating conversationalist - they want to find people to play with.

If that chemistry happens - good for us! Beyond that is just the bonus; the icing on the cake. And it just doesn't happen in swinging without first wadding into the shallow end...

Spoomonkey

[Mr. Truelove]

A big Dito to Spoomonkey and Prettylady's posts.

[ShellyM]

In answering the OP by Julie...
I have always been a "girlie girl". The one who does her hair, make up all that stuff. I don't necessarily do it more now, I'm one that wears make up to go to HEB to get groceries lol. But I look at it like this. When we show up to meet a couple I do expect them to look and smell decent. If I were to walk in and see someone sitting there in a holy tee shirt, and raggedy jeans I would be pretty put off lol. Now, if we know them well and we are just chilling out at the house, no prob. But that initial meeting? Okay, I expect to be met with a clean, nice smelling couple. We are clean and nice smelling pretty much all of the time. I even took anti bacterial soap with us camping! lol

[Tybee Swing]

This is a brilliant question, with brilliant answers so far! I've loved all of these answers posted.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners. Too often when we get comfortable in a relationship we take those things for granted... as women we may stop butting so much effort into making sure we have makeup on before we leave the house or for all of us making sure our clothes are just right.

I agree with you, it's mostly common that people get comfortable (lazy) after marriage because the pursuit is off, they got who they're with, they're accepted. It's not a good way to think, and it can be dangerous. We should all be "wooed" and "wooing" on a daily basis, if we want our marriages to stay hot. All of us want to be proud of how our spouse takes care of his or herself, we want to be proud to be on their arm. It may be shallow, but I still want to be physically attracted to him. Yes, I adore him, but I want to be visually turned-on by him, too. I want him to dress well when we're out together, be well-groomed, etc. Sexual attraction, in love or not, is always going to be at least partly based on physical attraction.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners.

I'm kind of odd in this department. For some reason, I've always been at my best IN relationships, when I'm really loved. The more loved I feel, the more I want to look good, and the better I take care of myself. I've kept in my best shape when I'm loved and having a great sex life, not when I was lonely and single. Weird, I know! LOL By the time we started discussing swinging in our marriage, I was looking better already than I did when we were still dating.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

And beyond that, if your partner is one of those that has started making more of an effort to present themselves since you've started pursuing swinging, how does that make you feel? Do you ever feel jealous that they didn't make that effort for you but now they are willing to for others?

If my husband had been a slob, but after starting swinging he finally cleaned up his act, started dressing and grooming better and working out, I'm pretty sure I'd be very peeved that he did it for all of "them", but not for me!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I agree with you, it's mostly common that people get comfortable (lazy) after marriage because the pursuit is off, they got who they're with, they're accepted. It's not a good way to think, and it can be dangerous. We should all be "wooed" and "wooing" on a daily basis, if we want our marriages to stay hot. All of us want to be proud of how our spouse takes care of his or herself, we want to be proud to be on their arm. It may be shallow, but I still want to be physically attracted to him. Yes, I adore him, but I want to be visually turned-on by him, too. I want him to dress well when we're out together, be well-groomed, etc. Sexual attraction, in love or not, is always going to be at least partly based on physical attraction.

If my husband had been a slob, but after starting swinging he finally cleaned up his act, started dressing and grooming better and working out, I'm pretty sure I'd be very peeved that he did it for all of "them", but not for me!

I'm with you. One of the things that has peeved me in past relationships is when a guy gets so comfortable that he will crawl into bed stinky or sweaty. Hello! I don't want to sleep next to you smelling your BO! Or when a guy is so comfortable that he will go out in public with you in a ripped up dirty shirt and sweat pants . UM NO! I don't think so. So basically what it comes down to with me is yes Love is unconditional and I'm not going to stop loving him for doing those things but it would piss me off and it would piss me off even more if he didn't make those efforts FOR ME but he would for some stranger.

And I think I would feel pretty shitty if it were pointed out to me that I had let things fall by the wayside as far as making an effort to look good for HIM, but the times I would go out of my way were when we were meeting strangers to potentially have sex with.

[Taylor74]

You're supposed to be smelly After sex, not Before.

[sbjr3]

Originally posted by Spoomonkey

.......they lust for you... They might very well like you - but up front that is hardly important. They are hot for you - they dig you - they want you.

That's how I feel after seeing Thrax's new avatar

sb

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by sbjr3

That's how I feel after seeing Thrax's new avatar

sb

I'm with you. I usually pause, because it has got it goins ON!

[rpu3]

Thought provoking thread...

In our circumstance, we did fall into the rut as to not looking our best for each others, etc., complete with a significant weight gain for both of us. I'd definitely say that was the "we like each other for what we are" school of thought.

At some point, we both got tired of looking like crap (and we did look pretty bad), and wanted better for each other. We dropped the weight, I started to dress better and differently (colors/not baggy) and wear makeup and accessories as I see fit, etc. We started this, however, before we looked into swinging. It may have very well been a trigger to consider swinging. We looked better, carried ourselves differently, and people paid attention to us differently, and that may have given us the confidence to consider swinging.

I'd say that 90% of the time, how we typically dress/look for each other is how we dress when going out in public. The other 10% is a split between dressing up for the club (which you really can't do in real life, except in the bedroom) or that 2 or 3 hours on a weekend morning that I'm not going to get out of my sweats and ponytail until I'm good and ready, thankyouverymuch.

In any case, I've come to the conclusion that if my spouse likes my "normal" look, perhaps others will too, so I don't "change" it up, except for perhaps going to the club. But it took a transformation of sorts to get there, and the transformation began as something for the two of us, and now that's displayed/shared with others, not vice versa.

R.

[ShellyM]

I agree with all said. I say it like this. I work at an office where we are the administrative side....no doctors on site (thank God!). So, we have an extremely laid back dress code. You can pretty much wear whatever you want other than really hoochie. I do wear business clothes. Not suits, mind you. But I wear make up every day, I do my hair up, I wear nice clothes and jewelry. My buddy next to me is in a serious rut. She wears old clothes, doesnt do make up, nothing. Not that there is anything wrong at all with this, but she has told me that she is in a serious rut, and that she has no one to dress up for......we were talking about a Victoria's Secret pantie sale lol, and I told her that we needed to go get her some stuff. She said "why, no one is going to see it so why am I going to spend money on it?"

Okay. I enjoy knowing that Jay sees me in my frillies and such. But for me, dressing sexy (even if its a nice pair of panties under my slacks) makes ME feel good. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful, and this then emanates outward. Its not about how you look necessarily. Its how looking good makes you feel. I remember when I had just given birth to our youngest son, and I was pretty much looking like a mother whos whole life centered around the baby and my boobs lol. I looked in the mirror and frightened myself. I then showered and put make up on, even though it was just Adam and I there in the house at the time. Its how you feel, not necessarily how you look.
Thats just my .02

[TNT]

My momma always taught me that when you leave the house you should look the best you can....you never know who you might meet.


I never leave the house without having make-up on and very, very few people have ever seen me without make-up. I do get extremely lazy with my dress at times, mainly because I work from home. There are days all I will wear is a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, no make-up and hair in a pony-tail...but, no one sees me like this except for the kids. When it's time for Ted to be coming home I'll spruce up my appearance...I've always done this as I've always figured that if I didn't make the effort to look good for him, why would he want to come? He will also do the same for me, when he's on his way home from somewhere he might not be able to wear nice clothes due to his work environment but he makes sure he shaves and cleans up some before coming home.

We've always done this for each other. The care we take with our appearance hasn't changed since we started swinging...it just expresses the desire we have for each other.


Teresa