How would BBWs feel about a man who is only TOLERANT of their size, not accepting?

[jenniferblue]

Hi, I'm a single girl starting to learn about this lifestyle. I have a profile on Swing Lifestyle and I have 'met' (online lol), so many nice people . I am a bigger girl and I state that on my profile (blue jean size 18/20, shirt size 14/16, 38D bra said in plain english on that profile). I don't say I'm a bbw because I don't necessarily see myself that way, I consider myself a big girl and a lot of girls that call themselves bbw's I would classify them as 'big girls' as well. That's just the way I look it. I'm comfortable with my body and have no plans to change it. OK....the situation is that I met a guy online at Swing Lifestyle a few weeks ago, we've been talking on the phone for awhile and we're really feeling each other (to the point of him saying he's falling in love with me). He lives about 2 1/2 hours from me and we decided that I would come down next week and spend a few days with him in his town. We haven't met in person at this point but it feels like we have because he calls 3-4 times a day, I have pictures of his mom and his kids, his house, I know his history, I even have his social security number because he wanted me to call his cell phone company about rolling over his plan and he had no service where he was because he was traveling. It's been as serious as it could be without actually meeting yet. He wants us to be best friends, he's talked about being a father to my kids, everything. We've even discussed where we would live with our distance and decided it would be his town. So the plan is that I'm going up there next week and he's going to show me around and I'm going to meet his mom and his kids.

Having said all that, I know that it's not smart to think you've found your perfect guy before the first meeting because even though I haven't swung yet, I have done a lot of online dating. I love the way he's falling for me though and his openess - those qualities excite me much more than physical ones. Ok, we were talking this evening on the phone and he asked me how much I weigh (!). I don't have my weight posted but I have pictures up (naked ones in my private area) and he saw what size I wear plainly posted. I have told him repeatedly not to expect a skinny girl. When he asked me that I told him I don't know but that I've made it clear that I'm not a skinny girl...I told him I do have a tummy and he said "well, we can work on that" (!). I told him that I'm fine with my tummy and if he prefers skinny girls then he needs to be with a skinny girl instead of me. This post is directed to the bigger girls out there because I wouldn't expect a smaller girl to even get what my problem is with this......would you as a bigger girl and/or bbw who is comfortable with her size 'as is' be offended or unhappy about this? It was such a HUGE turn off for me because if it's that important to him then I have no interest in being with him. I want to be with a guy who is excited by a bigger girl, not just tolerant of one. After he saw my naked pictures he said I was very sexy, very voluptuous, like that was so hot for him. One of the pictures is a full body shot from the back, I'm completely naked....another is me laying on my tummy just wearing panties and another is my butt just wearing sexy panties. None of my tummy though because I have yet to see a picture of it that I like. I'm curvy and I have hips and this is very apparent in those pictures.

I really at this point don't want to drive all the way over to meet him and take this any further because this acceptance/preference is such a basic requirement for me. Am I over reacting to this? Should I go anyway and see how it is in person, the vibe I get from him? We have shared so much on the phone the past couple of weeks and I felt very close to him up until he asked that. UGH.....what would you do?

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by jenniferblue

I am a bigger girl and I state that on my profile (blue jean size 18/20, shirt size 14/16, 38D bra said in plain english on that profile). I don't say I'm a bbw because I don't necessarily see myself that way

Mr two4you here. I will throw out one observation. Most guys don't have a clue about ladies clothing sizes. So in a lot of cases listing your sizes is as effective as posting in Aramaic.

Also, from my experience, Mrs two4you can vary wildly in sizes between clothing makers.

I'm pretty sure he understood the part about the 38D bra though......

[tracy1878]

well honey, I'm a BBW, a true BBW (size 26, 48DD), so i know exactly where your coming from. You need to go to see him, to at least give him the chance, he's earned it. But he has to accept you and love you for YOU, not for what he'd like to change. The only thing that would worry me is his comment about changing your tummy. You've been as open and upfront with him as possible. And after seeing your naked pics, he still wants you. i think things will be fine.

go see him, have a great time and get your groove on girl!


BTW, 2 for you is right, men are clueless on sizes, except bra sizes. Once hubby bought me a regular, xtra large sweatshirt.... yeah, right.. lol

[bear_and_babe]

I am a BBW (size 20) so I will answer your question. I am not so sure I like that comment about your tummy either. I think I would go and meet him, and really take notice of his reaction the first time he sees you. And if he says anything else about your tummy, dump him as fast as you can. There are too many men out there who like women with meat on their bones. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[lovedoctor]

Hi Jennifer-

I'm almost exactly the same size as you with the exception of being a C cup and I am 5' 8" tall. Sounds like we have the same tummy trouble too. As a "person of size" I sure hate being asked the weight question too, but I guess it is inevitable. I too am pretty happy with myself, but my hubby and I have decided not to actively go out seeking swinging couples yet. I would like to lose about another 40 lbs before we make the plunge. It's not that I am uncomfortable with "me" or that I care so much with what others think, but I also think the weight may be a bit of a barrier - just enough that I might not feel all that comfortable with being in a club, at this point. In your case, this young man has already seen pics of you, and gotten to know you. So I would just try to relax as much as you can and see what happens when you meet. I would tell him that you don't want to discuss the weight question anymore until you know each other better. Two and a half hours is not a long drive to see if this guy does "it" for you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Please keep us posted with how it goes, and good luck!!

[wtxcpl]

Hello all this is actually my first post but this subject is close to my heart. I feel that I too am about your size and worry that my physical appearance may be a barrier to what I want to expirience. I am comfortable with myself but am aware that it may not be what others consider desirable. But beyond all my own personal feelings I think he should not have asked you that question so late in the game. If this was an issue why did he persue this so long? Maybe he doesnt understand clothing sizes, but if he felt as though he didnt get it he should have asked earlier, and in my book anyone that wants to help you work to change something about yourself that you have no desire to change can only spell trouble.

just my thoughts

[jenniferblue]

Thanks for the replies so far.....this is SO helpful to me. The thing is that I don't forsee my size (or my tummy) being a barrier to me in this lifestyle at all. Maybe it's just because I 'm from a small town in the south but it's been my experience since I've been divorced (6 years ago) that a lot of guys really PREFER bigger girls. I personally like tall, really slim guys (maybe it's because they're opposite me lol) and I've dated several guys like this, just not in this lifestyle. I was married for 12 years and my weight was a constant issue with my ex-husband - even when I was a size 12 he had a problem with it. (emotionally abusive marriage, no swinging just much cheating on his part), something he used to take away my self-esteem. So it is SO important to me now to be with somebody who validates and accepts me exactly as I am. And I would like it to be somebody who is friendly to this lifestyle because it fascinates me. And I don't consider myself bi-curious but as far as couples go, I find a bigger girl much more physically appealing so if there were any girl/girl at all I would want her to be around the same size as me.

[JandL]

Just a thought from the sideline...

If you have no problems with your body. And he has seen pictures of you. And he is obviously going to see you anyway... Why not just answer his question about how you weigh? Wouldn't that just put it all out in the open? It's the same question that is going to be answered the moment he sees you.

[EvilMJ]

Jenniferblue,

It doesn't matter what size you are, the minute someone make a comment that they feel they have to change you in some way that is a red flag for me.

My husband loves me, I have been skinny, i have been big, but he has never made any hurtful comments about my weight or that I in some way need to change. He has supported any weight loss attempts but has never told me I need to work on anything.

I say meet him, give him the benefit of the doubt.

[HotMoCpl]

Geez, what's in a size? My wife should wear summer tops in a size 10 but will take a 14/16 because she doesn't like anything tight. Even her panties. And I have to agree with Mr24U...this can vary a LOT between manufactors.

[jenniferblue]

This is to address JandL's comment about going ahead and telling him what I weigh since he's going to see when we meet anyway. That does make sense but I honestly have no idea what I weigh lol. I don't keep scales in my house, I just don't weigh myself period because I don't see a point in it. I've worn the same size for at least the last 4 years so it's staying the same. What that 'same' is I'm clueless about and have no interest in learning. And weight can be distributed so differently on different people that one person can weigh 160 and look slim and another could weigh 160 and look like a bbw. I do have a big butt and hips and breasts, it's a classic hourglass shape with a tummy...but on someone else it could all be on her tummy with a flat butt and skinny legs and hips and that person is not going to look like she weighs the same as me. If I did know how much I weigh, I don't really think that's going to tell him anything anyway, he would probably be anticipating someone much bigger than me if I had a number to give him. He told me that he guessed I weigh about 145 and there's no damn way that I weigh that little. It would put me at about a size 12 jeans instead of 18/20 if I did lol. I think he's just going to have to wait and see in person.....and I'm going to have to keep in mind that this is probably going to be a 'no-go' because his preference is for smaller girls. Then if it works out it will be a pleasant surprise.

[starlinn]

When he asked me that I told him I don't know but that I've made it clear that I'm not a skinny girl...I told him I do have a tummy and he said "well, we can work on that" (!).
Well, first of all, I have been married 20 years, and my husband has never known how much I weigh. I guess if I was a perfect 10, and a 36-26-36 I may tell him, but now that I have been loosing weight, I tell him how much I lost, but not how much I weigh. BTW, I consider myself a big girl...
With that aside, I am going to play Devil's advocate here...Could he have mistaken that you mentioned you had a bigger tummy, that you were unhappy about that, and he is willing to help you with that? What did he say when you said that you were content with it? As the time to meet draws closer, maybe he is having simular feelings about meeting as you are. Meeting someone for the first time always brings out different emotions. I say, since it is planned, and you have spoken about so many things, you should go for it. Watch his expression when he first sees you. This will tell you alot.
One thing that makes me nervous is the amount of time that you plan to spend with him the first time you meet. Are you meeting in a public place, so that you can leave, if red flags flare up? Do you have alternative plans, should something go bad? Please consider this. There are alot of weirdos out there that prey on young single women. Safety first Jennifer. Let us know how everything goes!

[BradAndJanet]

Being a dumb guy myself, I'm wondering if he didn't just say a dumb guy thing. We do that sometimes without meaning anything by it.

You might as well meet him, 'cause otherwise won't you wonder for the rest of your life?

-B

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by starlinn

One thing that makes me nervous is the amount of time that you plan to spend with him the first time you meet. Are you meeting in a public place, so that you can leave, if red flags flare up? Do you have alternative plans, should something go bad? Please consider this. There are alot of weirdos out there that prey on young single women. Safety first Jennifer. Let us know how everything goes!

This is my concern as well.

Please consider your safety, it's way more important than a weight issue.

I hope that you are staying at a hotel, not with him, and first meeting in a public place, as starlinn suggested.

I've know women who had a long-term internet relationship develop, and upon meeting, it felt very different being face to face with the person. Be prepared for that, listen to your instincts, you'll have the tendency to talk yourself into excusing any red flags that pop up because you want it to work out.

Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.

Good luck!

LM

[txduo2000]

I agree with LikeMind's post (she ALWAYS has some really GREAT advice ---- ALWAYS listen to her and seek her out for solid, practical suggestions and advice!!!)

But I also agree with many others here too .... safety first, don't ignore red flags, and determine NOW what you find acceptable. Yes, it might have been a dumb guy thing, and no guys don't always understand clothing sizes. TALK to him. Find out by asking him directly what he means by "working on it". If he wants to change you this early in the game, not a good sign.

I have been married twice. Neither one of my husbands have ever said anything negative about my weight. I am a mid-sized girl ... not real heavy but not real slender either. I am 5'2" ... NO ONE ever successfully can guess how much I weigh. According to all the medical information on proportionate weight and obesity, I AM classified as obese ... but I do not consider myself obese. It's just that I AM more than 20% overweight as far as the recommended weight for my height and bone structure. People guess me at around 125-130. I weigh MUCH more than that. I wear a size 8/10 on the bottom, and have to have around a size 12/14 (sometimes a 16) on the top because I am so large breasted (38D). To me, weight doesn't matter. As was said, sometimes a person can weigh 160 and be slim and sometimes a person can weigh 160 and be heavy ... determined by height and how much is proportionately spread thruout their body. I would consider myself HWP in appearance only, but I am certainly not if I consider only my height and weight to tell the tale.

With that said... I went and viewed your profile on Swing Lifestyle. You are one BEAUTIFUL girl! (I actually wish you lived in Texas ... lol ... my husband is tall and slim, and does not like skinny women! He doesn't really feel attracted to BBWs but he likes a girl to have a little meat on her bones!)

I say, go with your gut (no pun intended) ... if you are as interested as you say you are in him, and he has indicated genuine caring for you as well, TALK openly with him. But please have a backup plan if the meeting in person goes awry. Have a hotel room reserved, or otherwise a place to go if things turn out to be much different than they started out.

Mrs. txduo2000

P.S. By the way, although my current husband and I only lived a mile and a half apart, we DID meet on the internet through personals ads (vanilla) and spent two weeks chatting online and on the phone before we ever met in person. Never did he see one picture of me. I was VERY self-conscious about meeting a new man as I had been married previously for 10 years to my high-school sweetheart and didn't have very high self esteem and was just unfamiliar to the dating world. Granted, I had lost a lot of weight in going thru my divorce, but my now-husband's first words upon laying eyes on me for the first time? .......

"You are absolutely GORGEOUS!" Now, 30 pounds and 6 years later, he still tells me this on a regular basis.


P.S.S. *MAYBE* his references to "we will work on that" wasn't an innuendo directed at a need for you to lose your tummy ... maybe it was simply a subtle reference to sex as an exercise, with a possible inevitable result of you losing weight???? Just a suggestion.