Frustrated and feel our looks are keeping us from finding playmates

[playfulnreno]

Without making this a book......LOL - we are fairly new to the swinging lifestyle about 1 year and have had some wonderful experiences and are REALLY wanting many more BUT we seem to have a small problem. We are a couple in our mid 40's - she is on the plump side, beautiful face (REALLY!) great personality and I'm well less than average, hefty side, balding and just not all that to look at BUT I have a great personality as well and really know what women like (HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I GOT HER! LOL). Anyway - we are having a very difficult time with hooking up with other couples because of our looks. The couples we find attractive are not interested because we are not the "beautiful" people, you know great bodies, beautiful faces, etc. and the ones who are interested are just not attractive to us. It has gotten to the point of becoming very frustrated. She feels it is her fault because she is on the plump side and this is really killing her self esteem not to mention it is hurting mine to. Usually people have a problem with the actual swinging LOL we are fine there - it is the frustration we have when nothing happens that is killing us. I am not looking for answers just words of encouragement, etc.

We understand the physical attraction we have that as well - but we also believe in getting to know people as well before we say no. We have had several couples who have meet us at clubs end up going off with others we have introduced them to only to exclude us. Would just like to know what we are doing wrong. Thanks for your help.

Frustrated and ready to quit.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by playfulnreno

...I am not looking for answers just words of encouragement, etc.

Well, please don't quit. The search for a few couples who match you takes time. You will be hurt a few times and you may hurt someone else too. That's the way it is. You have to hold steady to your goals.

Male D

[curiousagain]

Disinterest is not rejection, and everybody has "slumps" and "slut summers". It just happens and people often have a hard time meeting others where everybody "clicks". Just hang tuff and keep being the kind of people that people like to talk to.

Welcome to the board!!!!!!!!

We found it hard to meet couples where all 4 clicked. It was more like work than fun. Which defeats the whole point doesn't it?

Even when we did find a couple where everyone at least somewhat clicked it just wasn't as fun as our true passion facelick , but I digress...

There is more behind the scenes to swinging with couples than a pile of naked people in a bed.

You have to judge if it is worth all the work and hurt feelings you might encounter along the way to run into that occasional "Right couple".

It cums in spurts (yes, pun intended )

[good times]

I doubt if you are doing anything wrong. We have been going to a couple of clubs in Reno pretty regularly for about a year and a half, and in that time we have met a lot of nice people that we enjoy visiting with whenever we go. Of the people we have met, we have hooked up with a few of them to play and of those we have played with we have only really clicked with about 2 or 3 couples that we now consider regular playmates. Like the others have said it is difficult to find 4 people who all find each other attractive enough for sex and like CA said it seems to go in spurts, for weeks we won't find anyone that we would want to have sex with and then we will have a period of time were we have more prospects than we know what to do with. Being regulars at the club, I can't tell you how many times we have met another couple that we were interested in and then introduced them around and they ended up hooking up with someone we had itroduced them to. At first this kind of bothered us to but after a time we have come to realize that we have had more than our share of success, and we can't expect to hook up with every attracive couple we meet so it isn't as much of an issue to us any more.

As far as phisical attraction and when to say no goes, if we are aproached by a couple and there is no physical attraction we will usually say no right away as we have learned that to do that is much better than leading someone on and disappointing them more later, and we apreciate it when people are clear up front with us too.

[misterbates]

Originally Posted by playfulnreno

The couples we find attractive are not interested because we are not the "beautiful" people, you know great bodies, beautiful faces, etc. and the ones who are interested are just not attractive to us.

Ok people..let's get real here.....Why would the "beautiful" people be interested in you?? You say you are fat,middle aged and balding...So why would someone who is the opposite of that be attracted to you? Is there an unwritten law in swinging that says you have to be into everyone..regardless of what they look like??? Guess i didnt get that memo!!...LOL!! I can see how thats who you would want ...but guess what... that isn't the way things go......personality is important but physical attraction is more important.(in swingland anyway) Sorry..thats just the way it is...Try people who are physically more like you. Although unfortunately they probably have the same mindset as you. Or maybe try working on yourself...diet,excersize....your never too old to start.....

Not trying to be a weiner here...just stating the obvious.....

Mr B

[DBL D]

We have had the same problem from time to time. On Swing Lifestyle we will NOW show a picture of our faces without opening our file, and sometimes we won't even hear back from them. We have been told we are a nice looking couple with average bods. It's not a big deal.........keep looking around, it may take some time but it will happen.

I also do agree with the above post, take a good look at yourself. Maybe you can do something to look better and maybe even FEEL better about yourself as well.

Good luck
Fem D

[C4CIN]

We don't worry about it- and we are mid 40's too with changing bodies! We don't try to be like we were 25 years ago. We are happy with our ages and our lives. We have found some couples that want only hard bodies, Ken & Barbie types etc. Some of these couples only seem to be searching for perfection or for new future spouses. These folks are not for us... We find more true friends to be ones that look beyond what you described. We are "less picky" for physical atributes too- because we are attracted and married to each other... and this is not about finding another spouse! It's better (and more fun) for us to find friends that play! Sex with anyone other than our spouses is just that- sex. The fun for us is the group, the swapping, and the turn on seeing each other having fun and being pleased...

[JustAskJulie]

and the ones who are interested are just not attractive to us. It has gotten to the point of becoming very frustrated.

but we also believe in getting to know people as well before we say no.

So I take it that ou do go ahead and meet and get to know those who do express interest in you? Just making sure, because otherwise you'd be exhibiting a bit of a double standard.

That said, sometimes you just have to be patient. It always takes time to find a situation where all 4 parties in the two couples are happy with everyone and want to swing. It's not just because of your size or your looks.

It's also important to have good self-esteem and attitude, those two things can make anyone look a lot more attractive.

And if you find someone you like, don't introduce them to your friends

[Atilla]

Can I just point out that my hubby and I are slim and attractive and it took us forever to find a couple who was willing to swing with us.

Why? I'm assuming because no one was quite as serious as us. We had a lot of people stringing us along or the male of the couple was into us but the female part of their couple wasn't really into swinging. We got very frustrated too and then finally we met our match.

What I'm saying is that it may not be your looks that are turning people away. It may be that these other couples may not be as serious as you are too and when they realize how serious you are, they turn and run.

Keep searching because one day you will find that special couple or person. And of course, you'll probably end up with several people interested all at the same time.

[YZF]

Though my girlfriend and I have yet to get into swinging though we are interested and have talked at length about it. Thing is, though my girlfriend is a beautiful hardbody, and I have a pretty good physique, I may not appeal to everybody. For one thing, I wear my hair very long, almost to my waist. I have a lot of tattoos, most of them I got in prison and they look like it. The problem is my face. I was shot in the face in Somalia during the "Blackhawk Down" incident. Not a good thing when I was pretty homely to begin with.

[CuriousFemale40]

We're swing virgins ourselves at this point, although we had an encounter with an interested man last night. We didn't 'party' with him because there were just some things that rubbed us the wrong way, although he was obviously interested in my woman. But, I digress.....

We're not exactly the 'Ken & Barbie' types. We're very normal looking human beings. I admit to being a bit overweight, but not obese or anything. I'm older than I'd rather be. I'm very normal in endowment, but my S.O. has never complained.
My personal tastes lean towards other 'normal' looking people. Some strikingly beautiful people are sometimes snobbish, although, I am sure that some are nice folks, too.
So have fun. I'm sure that somebody with your tastes are out there! Seek and ye shall find!

[guitarlover]

Originally Posted by CuriousFemale40

We're swing virgins ourselves at this point, although we had an encounter with an interested man last night. We didn't 'party' with him because there were just some things that rubbed us the wrong way, although he was obviously interested in my woman. But, I digress.....

We're not exactly the 'Ken & Barbie' types. We're very normal looking human beings. I admit to being a bit overweight, but not obese or anything. I'm older than I'd rather be. I'm very normal in endowment, but my S.O. has never complained.
My personal tastes lean towards other 'normal' looking people. Some strikingly beautiful people are sometimes snobbish, although, I am sure that some are nice folks, too.
So have fun. I'm sure that somebody with your tastes are out there! Seek and ye shall find!

OOPS....I wrote this thinking I was logged on to my handle. Curiousfemale40 is my S.O.
Obviously, the above message was written by me, guitarlover....

[EvilMJ]

I gotta tell you, personality does count for a lot!!

I am not a barbie shaped type either (I like to call myself hour glass shaped with a couple of extra hours ).

When there is a dance, or we all go out on Friday nights, or a party my friend and myself get a lot of attention. She is not a small woman either. But we are always having a good time, laughing, flirting. I have gotten a lot of offers (and I am not saying that to toot my own horn, but to bring home a point), people are much more comfortable around others who are easy going, fun and personable. There were lots of thin beautiful people around, but they got far less attention. Probably becuase they were much more aloof.

You are as sexy as you feel and act. I have come to the acceptance that I am not ever going to be a perfect 10, I eat well, I exercise, but i cannot lose weight very easy. But so what, I'm happy, I feel sexy and I like to have fun and that seems to radiate and draw people.

[northindycpl]

It does take time to meet the right couple, and the board is right... sometimes feelings can be hurt, that is just they way it is.

As Mr. Indy says, " Some days you eat the bear, and some days the bear eats you!"

Whenever you put yourself out there, in this capacity, you open yourself up to rejection. The important thing is that you are putting yourselves out there for you. Your pleasure. Your experiences. Mr. Indy and I play with far less couples than we do play with, and always have a great time together. We go to clubs- to play and have hot times with each other- if we meet others then fine, if not then fine, too.

I would like to mention to you guys, that I, too go for personality over looks. Size is unimportant to me to a degree. What turns me on the most is a couple with confidence. Do you guys think you are a confidant couple? Especially now since there has been some rejection?

My words of encouragement are: Look your best, feel your best and walk into any situation confidant in your own abilities. Disregard anyone that won't take the time to get to know you. (do you want them as friends anyway?) And go into every experience in the lifestyle with the only expectation of bringing emmense pleasure and joy to each other.

Trust me.... When you approach it like that, People will be knocking down your door!

BTW, Welcome to the board. I hope you two stick around. You sound great!