How do I tell my wife she's gaining weight?

[Vespertine]

I don't think women necessarily gain weight because there's something wrong.

Sometimes the food just tastes really good. facelick

I'm guilty of overindulging myself from time to time, just for the hell of it... Simply because I like how Twinkies taste.

When we were first married, I only weighed 110 lbs. (I'm 5'7"). I could eat all the Twinkies I wanted, and not gain an ounce. Somewhere along the line my metabolism changed and ten years later, I weigh 135 lbs. I look better I think, more womanly now. I grew boobs.

The point I'm trying to make is, now I have to watch what I eat because I tend to gain weight more quickly than I used to. Sometimes I say, "screw it", I don't want to have to forgo that second Twinkie because they're fattening. I'll take the extra pound or two and work it off later or have a salad with my husband if he starts "Moo'ing" at me.

I don't think we can presume that something's bothering the OP's wife or project her weight gain on some unknown depression.

Maybe she finds the pies tasty this time of year.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

I don't think we can presume that something's bothering the OP's wife or project her weight gain on some unknown depression.

That is possible, but isn't it important to find out, and rule out a much bigger issue rather than just assuming. Too often guys just want to fix the problem rather than finding out the reason behind it and that is the feeling I am getting from Dave in his post and responses here.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Too often guys just want to fix the problem rather than finding out the reason behind it and that is the feeling I am getting from Dave in his post and responses here.

True!

I forgot we were dealing with men here!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

And his words: "If this guy is too oblivious to see that there are bigger issues going on then he is going to end up losing his marriage. They need marriage counseling".

Dave hasn't said anything about being oblivious to bigger issues. I think most men simply don't know what to do. Let's not tell Dave he's going to lose his marriage over this. We don't need to burden him with that; he'll have enough to deal with when he talks to his wife.

Dave's been told by a number of us to set an example...he's gone out today and bought good foods. Let's give him credit for taking some of our advice.

I'd bet he's going to talk to his wife very soon as well.

Dave has asked, "How do I tell my wife she's gaining weight?"

He is looking for advice on what to do about a new situation in their life together. He has no experience with this. And his wife hasn't either.

LM

[HornyCouple]

every situation is DIFFERENT!!! Julie i hear what you are saying about trying to find the root cause. however, if she does not believe there is a problem, she may never talk. I offered my ex counseling, programs and all. Her doctors informed her that she was stressing her body. Her only response to everybody was that she was dealing with it and to leave her alone. We tried counseling together and the counselor suggested that she go alone for awhile. She stopped at that point and never went back.

At one point she thougth she had cancer and was going to die, even that did not wake her up to what she was doing to herself.

Maybe i am just a pig headed male here and just wanted the problem "fixed".

[dave110256]

Wow........I knew I'd take a little bashing over this, but Julie....please.....I'm not going to lose my marriage over this. Look, I'm not a shrink, I'm just asking for some advice in a difficult situation.
I do love and care about my wife or I wouldn't be asking this in a public forum. I am very comfortable in this forum and thought I could use it to help me solve a personal problem. I think a lot of you have already given me some great advice and ideas that I have already implemented, like groceries and talking about taking a walk, and I am going to talk to her about it.........but timing is everything. When the time is right, I will attept to approach the subject with her, delicately.
Honestly, if it were me getting fat, she could just tell me I looked fat and needed to do something about it...........I'd laugh, it would eat at me for a while (no pun intended), and I'd go on a diet. That's the truth. Not meaning to sound like a male shauvenist, women are a little more sensitive about weight issues than most men. That's why I was hoping to get some advice and opinions on the matter.
I may have offended a few people with my opening remark "eating like a cow"...........if I did, I opoligize to any and all offended. Again, thank you to all who have taken the time to respond and give a little advice.

[Vespertine]

Hey Dave...

Why do you think your wife will take offense if you flat out told her she's gaining too much weight? Is she usually sensitive about her weight? If she isn't, I don't see what the big deal would be to just candidly bring it up.

I also think it's great that you went grocery shopping and picked out healthy items.

[JustAskJulie]

Dave,

I think the point that isn't getting across is that maybe you don't need to bring up the weight issue (she already knows) instead (and this really should be much easier than talking about her weight) talk to her about what is going on in her life and how she is doing and what you might be able to do to help alleviate any stress or what you can do in general. A simple "is there anything I can help you with around here", or "is there anything you'd like for us to talk about", etc without mentioning the wait as an issue. If she asks you why you are asking these things, just say "well it seems like maybe you are a little stressed out lately and I want to help"... heck that could be a good start to the conversation.

I'm not the one who said you'd lose your marriage over this, but I am one who has been in a marriage where the guy paid too little attention to what was going on for too long and who worried more about symptoms than about actual problems and because of that never fixed the problems. The point I'm trying to make is to make sure that you have found hte problem before you try to fix it.

[JnCC]

"I am one who has been in a marriage where the guy paid too little attention to what was going on for too long and who worried more about symptoms than about actual problems...sure that you have found the problem before you try to fix it"

And I was probably the guy who noticed only the outward symptoms and reacted to them, rather than getting some professional help in the early stages of OUR problem.

My ex- was a curvy (and stacked) 160# when we were married, but gained around 75# in the first 4 years of our marriage. Several times, she went on some fad diet and lost most of the weight, only to gain it back within months. Every time WE went through that, it cost the family budget another thousand dollars for the diet, and an additional thousand bucks for a new wardrobe. What I was seeing was her often-bloated body, and the racks of beautiful, worn once, "skinny" clothing in our basement. What I should have been feeling was her sense of misery and disgust with herself at her inability to control her weight, and getting her some professional help to deal with it.

We'd both been in decent shape when we met, having participated in several 60-80 mile bicycle rides together in our early years. I thought, "maybe if I lead by example?" So I bought us both memberships at the local gym, and started "leaning down and muscling up." I also resumed biking and rollerblading every weekend. But because of her increasing weight, she felt uncomfortable being seen on her bike. She could no longer ride our horse, for fear that her weight would injure him. She became a victim of her insecurities and sense of despair. Afraid to be seen at the gym or performing exercise, she continued to eat for comfort.

One Christmas, I wanted to buy her some "feminine things," some "frillies" to let her know I still thought of her as a very sexy woman. Being a man, and not knowing jack-shit about female clothing sizes, I asked her what size she was. She said "14...I'll be a 14 by Christmas"

Well, Christmas morning came, and there she is, sitting in the middle of about $500 worth of Victoria Secret, etc., all sized 14. The problem was, (and I learned this only by finding an article of clothing that she'd neglected to cut the size tag out of) she was a size 22. She hung one of the "size 14" nighties I'd given her on a doorjamb for the remaining two years of our marriage. I'm sure she originally intended it as a "motivator," but I think it became more of an irritant...a constant reminder of her obesity, and her inability to control it.

Before long, our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us. I would jog every afternoon with no shirt, just to piss her off. (of course, I'd stop to talk to the pretty ladies in the neighborhood) When I would come home, she would be eating ice cream out of a half-gallon container, just to piss me off. Once the games begin, it's pretty much "over." The resulting divorce was ugly, expensive, and emotionally devastating to our kids.

There are as many underlying reasons for obesity as there are solutions for it. An eating disorder is no different from an alcohol disorder or a drug disorder...unless you know what's causing it, you don't know how to fix it. You're going to need professional help to determine what it is. Look at it this way...you can either pay the shrinks now, or you can pay the lawyers later. Neither option is going to be cheap, but ONE of those options will possibly keep your marriage intact. Good luck to you either way...

BTW...12 years after our divorce, my ex- is in her late 40's and has yet to remarry or have any kind of "normal" male/female relationship. At times, her weight has approached 300 pounds. Our kids are embarrassed by her erratic and compulsive behavior, her career has hit some snags as a result of her weight, and her prospects for the future don't look bright. I'm not saying this to "dog" on her, but because if you're not able to resolve your situation and you do wind up separating over it, you ought to ask yourself...

"This woman is the mother of my kids. Is THIS how I want to leave her?"

[HornyCouple]

BTW...12 years after our divorce, my ex- is in her late 40's and has yet to remarry or have any kind of "normal" male/female relationship. At times, her weight has approached 300 pounds. Our kids are embarrassed by her erratic and compulsive behavior, her career has hit some snags as a result of her weight, and her prospects for the future don't look bright. I'm not saying this to "dog" on her, but because if you're not able to resolve your situation and you do wind up separating over it, you ought to ask yourself...

JnCC, I can relate all to well, my fear is that my daughter will be embarrassed and all in time by her mother's size/beahvior. Kids can be cruel. My ex was not able to get jobs she wanted because of her size, i know it is not fair but that was the reality of it.

Before long, our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us. I would jog every afternoon with no shirt, just to piss her off. (of course, I'd stop to talk to the pretty ladies in the neighborhood) When I would come home, she would be eating ice cream out of a half-gallon container, just to piss me off. Once the games begin, it's pretty much "over." The resulting divorce was ugly, expensive, and emotionally devastating to our kids.

again this is exactly my situation, the more determined i was to lead a healthy lifestyle the more determined she was to eat.

Also, Julie, i hear you loud and clear to focus on what is causing the underlying problem vs. the symptons but in some cases the person just refuses to admit there is a problem and will not try.

[EvilMJ]

I just want to put in one important point....like any kind of addiction....

You cannot make someone lose weight until THEY are ready to. You can go on all the diets you want to...but until you are ready to accept the situaton and follow whatever program it is that is required to deal with it, nothing is going to happen.

I have been on weight programs before and watched people join up, only to sabatoge themselves, or quit a month into, because mentally they just weren't ready. You have to reach a point yourself where you say "I can't continue like this and have to make a change."

Dave, if you are concerned about your wife, then tell her, as everyone has said ask about her feelings, her stress level lately, let her know you love her and are willing to do what ever she requires to help her out.

[northindycpl]

This is a sensitive subject and, as the ultimate object of her desire- You need to say ABSOLUTELY nothing about the weight gain, and everything about how much you love and support her. Please take this from a women who has gone from a size 10-24 and back down, repeatedly. If Mr. Indy had ever said anything to me he would have become MR.Ended!

Someone said to lead her by example- that is a good step. Start shopping and cooking for her. (and make good stuff that she likes but in a healthy way) Take her for long walks after dinner, because you want to see her under the stars. That kinda stuff.

And f**k her passionately and often so she feels sexy again! When a women feels sexy, she feels satisfied.

My 2 cents too!

[HornyCouple]

You cannot make someone lose weight until THEY are ready to. You can go on all the diets you want to...but until you are ready to accept the situaton and follow whatever program it is that is required to deal with it, nothing is going to happen.

EvilMJ you are absolutely 110% correct

You need to say ABSOLUTELY nothing about the weight gain

northindycpl, i tend to agree and disagree, from the male perspective saying NOTHING can build up such a resentment as JnCC said

our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us

.

i said nothing for years until it just exploded and at that point NOTHING would have fixed the marriage.

this is a very tough subject and there are as many opinions as there are people as to what to do and there is probably only ONE solution for each situation it is just a matter of figuring out what solution with will for the specific individual.

[dave110256]

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and posts.............this is what happened.
I did not bring it up as many people on here suggested. I bought groceries, continued working out and watching my weight. Two nights ago my wife said to me that she has been really stressed out lately at work and about our finances over the holidays. She said she couldn't "get her fat ass in her clothes anymore" because she had gained so much weight and that she resented me for being so 'under control".
I then asked her how I could help her. She said nobody could help her and that it was somethig she would have to get under control herself but would start that day.
She has...........she is eating fruit, eating less and getting much more excercise......especially in the bedroom. I hope she will continue but I just wanted everyone to know that not saying anything was the right approach. She did tell me that if I had she would have resented it.
Thanks again and Maybe I'll have my thin wife back soon. By the way, she admitted that she has put on 20 pounds.........not that I would have ever asked.

[Denver2some]

Wow, Dave ... what a fabulous ending to the story! Or ... just the beginning.

Wonderful news. Way to go on being such a supportive, yet quiet, spouse. That's not an easy thing to be sometimes ... but you pulled it off like a champ.