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avgcpl4u

When Your Wife Is Average Weight and Size and YOU'RE NOT

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Hi Julie and Everyone Else!

 

We're a married couple that has been in the lifestyle maybe going on 3 years now. I have something that has always bothered me regarding my wife and I when we go to swingers parties. My dilemma is that my wife is pretty much an average weight and size but as for myself, I'm like 5'10" 250lbs more on the heavy boned type of a guy. I've always been between 235-250lbs most of my life after 25 yrs old. And I have noticed that every time we go to a swingers party, people be asking my wife to play, but not myself?? And when my wife says we come as a "package deal", they say "see ya" under their breath. So we stand in the corner all night by our selves.

 

Other people friends have told me not to worry about it, that you'll find the right people that will accept you for the way you are. But being a little heavy still haunts me.

 

So, I was wondering if anybody else out there in swingers land has the same hang up that I do?????

 

Any responses would be most appreciated!!

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Ohhhh Lord, where do I start?

 

Actually, we're just the opposite of you and your wife. In our case, I've been a bodybuilder for over 20 years, while my wife is the one who's been fighting a weight problem most of her adult life. I feel for ya, big guy, because we've spent the past 3 and a half years swimming upstream trying to find couples who are capable of looking past the scales and into our personalities. More times than I can count, we've begun corresponding with a couple via email, and once I make certain they're aware my wife is considered a BBW, they're gone like smoke in the wind. Ditto with the club scene. Almost without exception, any couples who've approached us in the swing club we go to invariably have an overweight woman as well. Nothing wrong with that per say, but it does cut your prospects considerably. And needless to say, reading through ads is disheartening at best. You learn to hate those words "height, weight proportional".

 

If you're interested, check out the thread in this section titled "The body beautiful", started by yours truly. It pretty much sums up our abject frustrations with the weight/swinging issue.

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Originally posted by avgcpl4u

Other people friends have told me not to worry about it, that you'll find the right people that will accept you for the way you are.

 

I would have to agree with your friends. Even those that are within what is considered a normal weight range have a difficult time finding the right swing partners. It isn't as cut and dried as many people seem to believe. You have personalities, hair color, genital sizes and a variety of other criteria that people seek. However, I would be somewhat upset if people were continually asking one and not both of us to play. I don't think they would be the type of people that I would want to be around as they are not seeing you as a couple, which you are. That shouldn't have to be verbalized in my opinion.

 

Lori

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Thanks "CanadianCouple" and "OhioCouple" for your replys about my "Hang Up" question.! Guess you got to learn to adapt and go with the flow:) ....

 

I also read that section: "The body beautiful" like you said CanadianCouple, most interesting! Seems like that topic get's pretty hot at times! :eek:

 

Thanks guys!....CY!:fun:

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Along with what the others said regarding how hard it is in general to find the right couple where all 4 people click and are attracted to each other, I wanted to add something else.

 

Oddly enough at most of the swinger parties we have been to, what you described was the norm. It might be the area of the country we lived in. But since most of the other couples fit the same description that wasn't as much of a deal. One thing I always wonder about when it comes to people having a hard time meeting others and they feel it's because of their looks is what sort of vibe that person is putting off.

 

If someone goes to a party already feeling unattractive they are going to put off that vibe and be less likely to be approached/accepted. The same thing can even happen to a beautiful woman who happens to be wearing a dress she doesn't feel comfortable in. She feels comfortable, and therefore looks uncomfortable and less attractive because of it. Wheras a big guy can go in with a great attitude and just be friendly/flirty with the women around him and somehow those women don't notice those extra pounds he may be carrying (same thing applies to a heavy woman for that matter).

 

I'm not saying that's the case with you, it's just something I always wonder about when questions like this come up and may be something you might want to give some thought to.

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Well said! Being in the lifestyle can and is (at times) a lot of work. Meeting the “right” people takes a tremendous amount of effort. Most of us do have some hangups and there is always something we don’t like about our own looks. Confidence is the key.

 

We are HWP (there is that dreaded language again), but we immediately ignore ads that put an emphasis on that and do not correspond with people that make it a pre-requisite before meeting. We are in the lifestyle to meet individuals with common interests. A sense of humor is required and you must be able to carry a conversation outside of the bedroom. And quite frankly the “beautiful and skinny people” don’t have a lock on that.

 

Remember: Your wife saw something in you that went beyond the weight. She is not the only one. Good luck big guy! ;)

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I'd like to offer you different advice.

 

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and lose the weight.

 

As a guy its quite easy. I gained a boatload of weight almost as soon as I turned 26, even though my diet and such didn't change much. Its quite normal and quite annoying.

 

My one salvation has been the atkins diet (which he didn't come up with, the idea has been around since at least the 30's) or at least my personal variation of it (less red meat). This is a very easy diet for most men, you will lose the weight quite fast, and you are never hungry. You might crave some foods you can't have but its a lot better then feeling like you NEED to eat. When I first heard about the diet I thought it was insane and unhealthy but when I did the research, I found it to be quite the opposite. Women seem to have a harder time sticking to this diet for some reason, but I know several men who do well on it.

 

It does take off the weight, and you don't gain it back unless of course you go back to eating like you used to, which is true of any diet.

 

For my wife and I in swinging we look for people with good looks, personality and intelligence. No factor is greater then the other, but all factors must be 'acceptable'.

 

We all want to be loved for being 'just the way we are' but lets get real, no one owes you anything in life so you might as well increase your chances of appealing to more people physically.

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Hey chicup - what a load of bullshit!

 

A lot of assumptions in that post. You sound like one of those "born again dieticians" out to rescue the world from itself.

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Originally posted by Chicup
So you tell me what’s better for the original poster? Accepting being fat, trying to find people that 'accept' him, and as Julie pointed out having to deal with a possible self esteem issue, OR dealing with the root of the problem which is excess weight?

 

People don't get into swinging so they can get free amateur psychoanalysis, Chicup. The last thing they want is having their physical shortcomings pointed out, whether they're real or not. What's next, handing out FDA diet guidelines at the next swinger's convention?

 

Christ, and people accuse me of being judgemental in here.

 

Dan

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This appears to be a lot of bickering over subject matter that really doesn't include the focus of the post.

 

I believe the original post topic had to do more with other people wanting to exclude half of a couple to play with.

 

In my book this is nothing short of rude. Regardless if the reason is HWP, intelligence, looks, race or anything else. Unless a couple has somehow indicated that they like to fly solo it seems like poor etiquette to try to separate them.

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Oh my, can I relate. I think no matter how big (or small) you are you worry about your weight. In your case as far as I am concern there is nothing harder then losing weight and what is funny is the thin person is the first to tell you how easy it is to lose weight lol, to them I say eat sh_t. It would be nice if in the swing world you could get to know them personally, to see what a great person you are under there, but it doesn't work like that. Keep your head up cause, it will come around sooner or later if you keep on trying and fun will be had by all. If you were here hubby and I would swing with you. Cause good Times are Good Times. Keep on going, It's coming. Terrie :)

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My husband and I attend a club regularly and we run into this problem all the time. I am a social butterfly and am up dancing and flirting while my husband sits quietly. He has a beer gut which I find sexy in a man, but apparently others don't, while I do situps and pushups nightly. He is a grower not a show'er so I think that also factors in.

 

This is the reason we have only swung with couples twice in 2-1/2 years of attending. I constantly get invited to join couples, but I tell them we are a pair and they lose interest. Occasionally we swing with single men because my husband loves to watch. But I feel sometimes he is not getting his fantasies fulfilled. Mostly we softswing for this reason.

 

I have tried on occasion to sit the whole time with my husband and not move about the room, but then I get antsy and he says he likes seeing me "work" the room, and tells me to go have fun.

 

I personally find men with a little meat on their bones more attractive for many reasons. Seems the men that are in really great shape always have an attitude and worry too much about body image. They constantly talk about their workout program or as my husband says "think their stuff don't stink". I'd rather have a down to earth, good sense of humor guy anyday.

 

My point is, don't give up. There are us out there that like a man's man.

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Originally posted by JustAskJulie

...If someone goes to a party already feeling unattractive they are going to put off that vibe and be less likely to be approached/accepted.

 

I think you've hit on something that is very important. I don't think anyone likes being around someone who isn't comfortable with themselves; they're commonly trying too hard or are too withdrawn, and as you say, don't appear as attractive as they could be. To be successful in social situations, it helps to accept what you are and just be yourself.

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I think the issue here is not so much as what is HWP, but more of one how people judge others based on a profile or ad alone, sight unseen. When you receive unsolicted notes/messages from someone, that in my eyes is really tacky and when you are cast off as being not in the right weight range or you specify that is what you are looking for, that is just as tacky. I'll say it again...It is SHALLOW, and I won't back down from that.

 

Now that I think about it, it is probably a pretty good indication of just the type of people we want to scroll on by when we read that in their ads/profiles.

 

Lori

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I use to be skinny as rail. then to be a big muscle fit/trim guy. then took 9 yrs to get FAT!!!!!! WOW!!!!! FAT---I looked in the mirror and said yuck. "K" even followed the 9 yrs to be beside me with the weight gain too.

 

Then we started to talk about swinging. That was a big motivator to lose the weight. We started to watch our cal intake and "K" hit the home bike and weight set. I went to the gym and did weights and cardio 4 times a week. It sucked at first, but after 3 weeks and seeing the scale go down and tighten the belt a notch---it was like---hey--this works!!!

 

After 7 weeks I lost 25 pounds and "K" loss 15 pounds. We took pics for the website for swinging and also went on webcam site. Did the replies start coming in and the e-mails from all the young, hot girls---( I am 39 yrs old) -oh yes---they came pouring alright. What an ego booster. "K" had her share of fans too. It was like a new us.

 

Now we slip now and then and get lazy---a few pounds do come back and we say "YUCK" all over again----"It is time to go to the gym again"!!! Which we do.

 

We do a little yo-yo on the weight, but only 5 to 7 lbs. So to the person who first wrote this thread and others who feel fat---it is ok!!!!!! Been there--done it---FIXED IT!!!!

 

We can only blame ourselves for being fat!!! When I was fat I hated looking at fat people because I never saw myself as "FAT" --I see just me. I WAS FAT and blind. Kind of like what Love does---"Blinded by Love"!!! LOL!!!

 

If you like the way you are---stay that way. If not, FIX IT!!!! It is hard, but worth it, plus it makes you feel better.

 

Swinging and weight? To each his own, but we do find ourselves still attractive to ave. to fit cpls than overweight ones. Looks first and then personality follows. It is just the way we all work. What I think is HOT someone else goes, "YUCK"!!!

 

Good Luck to all!!!!

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Originally posted by J & K

"J" here--second half of "K".

If you like the way you are---stay that way. If not, FIX IT!!!! It is hard, but worth it, plus it makes you feel better.

Good Luck to all!!!!

 

Right you are, "J"! And you'll live longer, too. It took me twenty years and two kids to gain fifty pounds. Being overweight was my only "risk factor" for breast cancer. I did everything else right. You can imagine my surprise when a biopsy proved positive.

 

Surgery, Chemo and Radiation therapy put the lump behind be but I still had the weight. I figured it took professionals to beat cancer and it would probably take professionals to beat obesity. I signed up for Weight Watchers in May, 2002 and have lost forty-two pounds. I powerwalk at least two miles a day, often five. Now I'm concentrating on my gut and exercising to reduce that. I can fit into size tens beautifully! My goal for that was the end of January so I'm ahead. I can't remember ever wearing size eights but it must have been early in high school! I'm 5' 9". If I manage to get into eights by June, I'll look as good out of my clothes as I do in them!

 

Mrs. Alura

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First, in the extensive private and club swinging experiences of my earlier life I rarely (!) ran across a couple who would swing separately -- either in separate rooms or at separate times.

 

So where do clubbers or ad respondents get off trying to cherry pick couples to pull away the more attractive mate. Some of the most annoying memories were of just this sort of ignorance.

 

That's not rude -- that is hubris raised to an art form.

 

Now, on the weight issue ... do NOT lose weight to make yourself more acceptable. Any person who would turn their back to you because of your weight is not worth talking to, much less becoming intimate with.

 

Are their valid reason for slimming? Yes, or so we are told. But if you are otherwise healthy, and you and your mate are happy with each other, then those are the most important things.

 

This is not to say that I (yes, I am heavy) expect all the Barbi and Ken couples to rush to rip my clothes off. But to turn one's back to another person, to me, marks someone as so shallow as to be a waste of life.

 

All I can say, now at the cusp of 50, is: if you're young and pretty, live every day of your life as if it were the last because someday you WILL be old and saggy or fat ... and people as shallow as you will turn away in disgust from YOU.

 

While we all have the right to our preferences on sex partners, no one has the right to treat anyone discourteously. This includes some sack of bones telling someone else they ought to lose weight. It also includes telling such a callow individual that they ought to develop some character and show some manners.

 

:rolleyes:

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Originally posted by Chicup

I'd like to offer you different advice.

 

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and lose the weight.

 

Good advice Chicup!

 

On a different note...

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and quit drinking.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and quit smoking.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and quit taking drugs.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself and quit........

 

My point is this: There are things that are inherently difficult for human beings to do (or stop doing.) Weather it's genetics or not is immaterial. Who (if anyone) is to blame is immaterial.

 

"Now I don't want to get off on a rant here," but I personally found it very easy to quit smoking after 15 years. My wife on the other hand just can't seem to kick it. After seeing a man smoke through his Trac tube, I realized just how much of an addiction it really is. After cancer took his voice box, he still needs to smoke.

 

I do not find it easy to give up eating. I love to eat. Next to sex, it's what I do best! :rofl: I have a few extra pounds, but not obese, and I'm happy with who I am. But if I had to give up steak and potatoes....I'm not all that sure that I could.

 

Bottom line here...everyone has different physical attributes that they are attracted to. Someone else said it here too....hair color, genital size, physical size, personality...what ever. If you don't want to swing with overweight people, that's your right. I don't think anyone is faulting you for that. If someone doesn’t want to swing with Susie and I because we have 30 extra pounds, I'm not going to go into a rant about why they should and what they are going to miss out on, and I don't think they are being shallow for feeling that way.

 

I only want to swing with couples that ARE interested in swinging with us. However, there is such a thing called courtesy. No one likes to feel rejected. If we're not interested in a couple for a physical reason, and they tell us that they are interested in us (Hey...it happens sometimes!) We let them know that we are not interested in sex in a polite way. However, we still get to know them.

 

If after awhile we find out that we're not interested in getting to know them as friends....then that would be a different story. I'm not sure what we would do in that case, as it has never happened. "Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

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We all have a choice in this lifestyle. We can elect to have sex with "fat or overweight" people if we like or we can hold out for someone more "fit and trim". It's our choice!

 

We can choose to be overweigh or we can make a paradigm shift in our life and thin ourselves down . It's a choice we have. It's not easy, that's the problem here. It takes a lifestyle change. You have to go without some of the things you really like. You have to stop taking the easy way out i.e. fast food. We have a choice here.

 

I made the decision to start eating healthy and working out not because we were in this lifestyle. I made it for my kids. I want to be here as long as I can to enjoy them , to see them grow into adults and parents. The big plus here is that now I'm 35 pounds less in weight and look much better. We are attracting much nicer "looking" people. I don't have a prejudice against folks who are a little overweight, but people that are in shape are a definite plus.

 

We all have a right to choose how we live and look and select other people for fun.

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Originally posted by FTnPV

I made the decision to start eating healthy and working out not because we were in this lifestyle. I made it for my kids. I want to be here as long as I can to enjoy them , to see them grow into adults and parents. The big plus here is that now I'm 35 pounds less in weight and look much better.

 

While losing weight will generally improve both your health and your appearence, it's important to note that what you need for one is much less than what you typically need for the other. Many obesity-related health problems will resolve with the loss of as little as 10% of starting body weight, which is usually far, far less than what is needed to be cosmetically "thin" (particularly for women). There really is a continuum of results, with health benefits at one end, looking reasonabley good in the middle, and being truly hot at the other. Some people who find losing enough weight to improve their health worthwhile might not choose to expend the much, much greater effort needed maximize their attractiveness. So, just because someone doesn't look good to you doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care about seeing their kids grow up.

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Originally posted by FTnPV

I made the decision to start eating healthy and working out not because we were in this lifestyle. I made it for my kids. I want to be here as long as I can to enjoy them , to see them grow into adults and parents. The big plus here is that now I'm 35 pounds less in weight and look much better. We are attracting much nicer "looking" people. I don't have a prejudice aginst folks who are a little overweight, but people that are in shape are a definite plus.

I would like for you to go back and take a look at one of my prior posts. It is not always a matter of what you eat or how much exercise you do. No one is aruguing the matter of preference but the pre-decided prejudice that occurs simply by looking at numbers and pictures.

 

Congratulations on your weight loss and I mean that sincerely. If you feel, look and are considered healthier then that is all that matters.

 

The one statement you made that really bothers me is the same thing I have seen way to many times. This is where the discrepancy lies. You state that you are now attracting nicer looking couples. Do you mean you weren't attracting them before? Why wouldn't you be attracting them before? We have not had a problem attracting 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60 somethings who were in my opinon model material for their age groups. Somehow many were able to over look our flaws, our age and see beyond the physical aspects. Perhaps it is because they liked us as a person. I don't really know and I never thought to ask as it didn't seem important nor does it to this day.

 

I guess what I need to say here is that I have had my share of in shape physically fit, my ideal image of what the absolute perfect sexual partner would be during my single years and I have been sorely disappointed. Not by all, but by the majority. They were more concerned with their hair turning gray and their physical appearance than they were taking their dog out to relieve itself or whether or not their Mom needed a lift to the hairdresser. Which says a lot about how shallow I was during my single years as I chose to date them specifically.

 

I'll say it again, it is shallow when one only looks at the package and doesn't bother to look at the contents.

 

Lori

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First of all, let me reply to the original poster... We are in a situation similar to you two. Mari is a total hottie as well as being one of the sweetest and sexiest women you ever want to meet. I, on the other hand, am the classic "old jock gone to seed". Do what I do...shamelessly use her to reel them in and then pull the old bait and switch once they are too horny and revvying to go to stop themselves!! LMMFAO JK of course....

 

There have been several times when couples have shown interest in her and then suddenly that interest waned once she made it clear to them that we were most certainly a package deal. Luckily, no one has ever been outright rude about it. Fortunately for me, my ego is protected by MariShield. While it may sting a little at first, I console myself with the fact that this woman that was so desireable to them TURNED THEM DOWN in favor of ME! What better ego boost could there possibly be? We can certainly relate to "sitting in the corner, all by ourself" situation, especially when we first got into the lifestyle. I think that a part of our problem was that we went to the club with pre-conceived notions of what we wanted to happen instead of going with the flow. Now, if we don't get any "bites", we go off by ourselves and put on a show...before long, we usually have a crowd around us and people seem somehow eager to introduce themselves afterwards.

 

I'm a big boy. I've always been a big boy. I will no doubt need an extra pall bearer or two when I kick off because I will die a big boy. I've got a huge chest, wide shoulders, big arms, a muscular ass, thick legs and Fred Flinstone feet. Oh yes, I also have this belly because while I maintained the diet I had when I was 18 and working out everyday, somehow the working out part got dropped somewhere along the way. Yes, I've recently started working out again and the weight is slowly coming off, but that was a personal/health issue more than it was a "I sure hope that shallow hottie the blew us off at the club will notice me now" issue.

 

I have to agree with Julie on what she said about attitude. I am perfectly fine with who I am and how I look right now. All I have to do is look at my wife and see how she reacts to me to know that I can't be THAT repulsive. lmao If I can get her engine revving and her juices flowing, then I must have something going for me. Even when I was in my "prime", I was always more of a personality person. I'm no chiseled Roman god. I know this. I also know that I am pretty good at making people laugh and feel at ease and enjoy themselves. I also know I'm not too shabby between the sheets. ;) Mr. Avgcpl4u, you have a pretty wife...you got her and have kept her. There's a reason for that. Be confident in yourself, dude! You're obviously doing something right.

 

I do have one question for you, and this leads to something else I'd like to bring up... Are you both not being approached at all, or are the couples that do approach you both not up to YOUR standards? There were times when we first started going to clubs when I'd been sobbing into my suds(figuratively) about how everyone was so shallow and were looking for only the "Pretty People" and I stopped and realized that I was so wrapped up in wanting to play with the Pretty People myself that I didn't even give a thought to striking up a conversation with any of the "Just Plain Folks". Hypocricy is an ugly beast, ESPECIALLY when you see it in the mirror. :o Not accusing you of this, Avgcpl4u, because you didn't mention it in your post. Just sharing a situation that I found myself in that may or may not be relevant.

 

This is my take on the whole "gene pool pollution" bullshit... Mari and I take great pains to ensure that there is absolulely NO gene pool intermingling AT ALL with ANYONE, no matter how good they may look! Hell, I'm going to let a doctor cut into my precious, ever-lovin sack and cut and tie stuff up to ensure that sort of thing can't happen on my end, even if a condom breaks. Mari is altering her body chemistry with medication in the form of the birth control pill to ensure this doesn't happen on her end. Yes, I will concede that there may be deep-seated evolutionary Darwinistic forces at work here. I like hourglass-shaped redheads with big butts, rounded breasts, full lips, and dazzling smiles. So much so that I married one. Tell me...what did Chuck have to say about that one? lmao To each his own, no one can explain attraction. It's all good, no one can blame you for being attracted to a certain physical type or attributes. Just don't try to blow quasi-scientific smoke up our asses. If you don't like women with soft curves, then avoid them. Leaves more for me. :D

 

Equating someone that carries a few extra pounds to someone with poor hygiene, VD, or an amputated stump is akin to saying that brussel sprouts, liver, and split pea soup are all the same type of food. Just because those are the three foods that I simply cannot force myself to eat does not make them the same thing or even put them in the same classification, with the exception of "foods that Mike doesn't like."

 

I have a bit of a bone to pick with TeamSoBe's maxim of "The rules in swinging are exactly the same as the rules in dating," as well as the way they are coming across as rather elitist. I think that on a very basic level, using the same rules for swinging as you did dating can be very beneficial. An example would be in another thread here on the boards about single men: meeting in a public place, etc. However, I for one was a typical red-blooded American male and when *I* was dating, I'd nail anything that wasn't already nailed down and encouraged me to do so. What's that? You want to meet me in a dark alley and have annonymous sex with me? We have to be careful because your husband is insanely jealous and has an extensive gun collection?Well....okay! Now, swinging as a couple, I tend to be a bit more wary about the situations that I put my wife (and myself) into. On the other extreme end of the spectrum, how is social standing any gauge of a person's real attitude/intelligence/ambition? Suppose you ran into some bimbo that slept her way to a Junior Vice President position in some company. Would she be more alluring than someone that is presently working a "wage slave" job, putting money aside to start their own business? This person could wind up being the next Bill Gates or Sam Walton, but they aren't good enough for you because they punch a time clock right now. Maybe the bimbo with the good salary and the nice car helps compensate for some sort of insecurity about your own status. Maybe the only way to reassure yourself that you are good enough is to associate only with those that you deem successful. I don't even pretend to know, I merely suggest. Even moreso than discriminating based upon physical appearance, I think that social elitism is just silly. What if you had bumped into Jennifer Lopez 10 years ago when she was still some girl from the hood and not the international star that she is now? I suppose that your noses would be turned up at her too, because she just wasn't up to your high standards. Ah well, you are most certainly entitled to your own opinions every bit as much as I...

 

//I'm attracted to powerful, confident women. A female attorney is a hell of a lot more attractive to me than a stripper. That's shallow? Or is "snob" a different sort of evil than "shallow"?\\

 

A stripper can't be a powerful, confident woman? ALL female attorneys are powerful, confident women? I have a friend that used to dance while she was in college. It was a good way to earn a boatload of cash, the hours were great, and she enjoyed it. She's now a very successful business woman. By your stated criterea, you'd play with her now, but wouldn't have played with her 5 years ago. Funny...she's still the exact same woman... The problem with painting with such a wide brush is that while it generally gets the job done quicker and easier, it tends to slop paint all over the fine details and can fuck up the entire job...

 

Having said all of this, I'd like to offer this olive branch. We ALL discriminate based on something or another. It doesn't neccessarily make it right or wrong, it just is. Mari doesn't really care to get together with couples that smoke. We have, on occasion - with mixed results. I'm sure there are some of you that would find this offensive in the extreme. Me personally...I don't particularly find 118 year old, bald midgets with goiters particularly attractive. I'm sure that the members of the ASFCAMSTD (American Society of Follically Challanged Aged Midget Swingers with Thyroid Disorders) would have issues with me on this subject.

 

I realize that this is a forum for all of us to express our beliefs and opinions and that this medium isn't particularly conducive to expressing nuances, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. I also realize that (with the expection of me, obviously! lol) people try to get their points across with as few words as possible and that sometimes this tends to come across as gruff or rude, when in reality, these same people may be the nicest people you ever meet. I think that the most important thing to take away from all this is that whatever your selection criterea is, there is no call or excuse for being rude or for tearing someone else down merely because of a lack of attraction. I'm sure that TeamSoBe circulates in a crowd that consists mostly of upwardly mobile people such as themselves and that if someone approached them that they didn't care for, they would be kind and merely explain that they didn't think they were compatible. I prefer to believe the best in everyone until it is proven otherwise. I hardly think they'd scream, "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU LOSER!" at the top of their lungs. :rofl:

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I don't agree with their (or anyone else for that matter) logic, doesn't mean that I don't respect their opinion. Above all else, I think that word - respect - is the most important one when it comes to being in the lifestyle...

 

That's my $.43 worth...(I have more change in my pocket if you want it, though! :D )

 

Cheers!

~Mike

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Guest Lakota

This is one of the most sociologically-engaging threads I’ve read in a long, long time.

 

I’m new here, but (fairly) experienced in the lifestyle. I’m also a 40-something bodybuilder, personal trainer, and un-closeted health junkie. I have no idea if that’s relevant, but it seemed germane to me.

 

I think (my humble opinion) is, no matter how evolved we like to think we are, we’ll always be governed to some degree by our biology. That biology seems to dictate that we’re primarily a visually-oriented species when it comes to sexual arousal.

 

Having said that, I’ll be the first to proclaim that I’ve had some intense “edge of the envelope” sex with partners who were far from the cover-model end of the continuum.

 

PS – It’s nice to be here on the forum

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Hi avgcpl4u,

 

That is a cool thing to hear that you and your wife are a package deal. My wife and I are the same way. (Although she knows that all she has to do is ask)

 

I think you look at yourself too negatively and that maybe people get that vibe. I'll be honest that I am not one with hangups about weight, looks or age. There is long list of reasons why. It's just that I dont view it as being important.

 

Are you extremely outgoing when at these functions? Getting around and saying Hi? If not, you should give that a try. My belief is that more people are attracted to assertive people.

 

I wish we could get around and converse with every couple we see even when getting together is not our intention. I hate leaving people out but my wife is always dragging me to the dancefloor. And there has always been alot of couples to the particular party we go to.

 

Good luck!

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Hello Everyone!

 

Just to set the record straight, regarding my little dilemma in question (weight & size), I am a guy that is 5'10" tall, has a 42" waist with a 48" chest, 16"arms, and yes, I have grown a little gut now thru time now in my age 40s.

 

When my wife and I go to swinger social parties here occasionally, I am obviously a little wider ...LOL... than most guys at the party. I am also of mixed ethinc. The wife now 5'6" and basically of average weight maybe for a few extra pounds but it doesn't show. And (I think) her looks is above average. She is also of a mix ethinc too.

 

Both our personalitys our of easygoing and likefulness of what we herd by others about us. So their is no problem there. I think (for myself) being a little wider than most, and being of mixed ethinic and "minority" and being a (("GUY")), has become a little hurdle for me when meeting people, especially when i'm just about the widest guy there and my wife and I are of mixed ethnic minority, and 90% of the 40 couple there at the party are of caucasian race.

 

I have come to conclusion (that I think), that it's not to much my problem of my weight or size, but my ethnic background of being a minority at the party that has isolated (myself and being a GUY) even more.

 

I think the word "minority" will become another "Thread" here!...LOL... Sorry about that julie!...LOL...

 

To finally say and except, ...what you look like, what your color is, your body size, how big or small your tool is, ...as long as your confidant with who you are and what you look like, then we will just have to sit back and wait for the right fish to bite!!!....LOL... I could say though, I do have the right bate!!!...LOL...

 

Just want to say, thanks everyone for all your replies regarding my question whether the replys were negative and or positive.

Everyone is intitled to their own opinion, and I think thats cool!!!:D

 

Regards,

 

Avgcpl4u :fun:

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Ever consider coming to Kentucky? We have lots of couples here that fit your descriptions and they swap often. If you doubt it check out swappernet's ads for our area. It may seriously be a local thing in your area. Here it is very common to see tall thin model material women with large big boned country boys. Been there myself but I did loose the weight. Not for looks though. It started to cause me to be short of breath and prevented me from following outdoor interests I enjoyed. I have seen no change in the number of women that want to join us as a result of the weight loss. :D

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On 12/30/2002 at 7:50 PM, avgcpl4u said:

I'm like 5'10" 250lbs more on the heavy boned type of a guy. 

I'd say any type of positive change has to start from a place of owning your reality and stop making excuses.  You call yourself big boned, but according to national health standards on BMI.  

  • A BMI of between 18.5 and 24.9 is ideal.
  • A BMI of between 25 and 29.9 is overweight.
  • A BMI over 30 indicates obesity.

A healthy weight for you is 173 lbs.  At 250 lbs, According to a standard BMI calculator you are at a BMI of 35.  That is not big boned it is obese.  Recognize it and take control of it, because it is not a healthy weight for you.  Saying you are big boned means you can't fix it, and your a victim of circumstance.  But you can fix obesity.  I'm Not saying it'll be easy but you can change your situation.  If you got serious, like really serious, you could be at 200 lbs in 4 to 6 months.  At 200 lbs you'd still have work to do, but you'd probably see more action for you and your wife.  Good luck.    

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13 minutes ago, JessicaJamison said:

I'd say any type of positive change has to start from a place of owning your reality and stop making excuses.  You call yourself big boned, but according to national health standards on BMI.  

  • A BMI of between 18.5 and 24.9 is ideal.
  • A BMI of between 25 and 29.9 is overweight.
  • A BMI over 30 indicates obesity.

A healthy weight for you is 173 lbs.  At 250 lbs, According to a standard BMI calculator you are at a BMI of 35.  That is not big boned it is obese.  Recognize it and take control of it, because it is not a healthy weight for you.  Saying you are big boned means you can't fix it, and your a victim of circumstance.  But you can fix obesity.  I'm Not saying it'll be easy but you can change your situation.  If you got serious, like really serious, you could be at 200 lbs in 4 to 6 months.  At 200 lbs you'd still have work to do, but you'd probably see more action for you and your wife.  Good luck.    

 

The BMI isn't really a reliable calculation of "healthy weight". I have a buddy who is 6'0 220, which calculates just shy of the "obese" range. Yet he is an athlete with 4% body fat (plays linebacker at a mid level college). The guy is a freak. The BMI doesn't account for body composition.

 

With that said, 'big boned' is an excuse. I'd be willing to gamble the OP could lose 30-40 pounds. However, if he has always been on the heavy side of the spectrum his whole life, and is older now, he likely will never see the 180's.

 

 

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On 1/25/2003 at 4:47 AM, avgcpl4u said:

I am also of mixed ethinc. ... She is also of a mix ethinc too.

Ethnicity, race, whatever is never a the problem if one is otherwise in good shape.  For most folks, I would say, it is a positive to be different from the rest.

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We found the way to handle this problem was to stop going to parties or swing clubs and host our own small swing parties with compatible couples and singles who accepted us the way we are.  We use several Internet swing sites to find and get to know folks who like our profile and photos.  Then we work the list to set up each swing session.  

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On 12/15/2020 at 11:01 AM, MrMrsswinger said:

 

The BMI isn't really a reliable calculation of "healthy weight". I have a buddy who is 6'0 220, which calculates just shy of the "obese" range. Yet he is an athlete with 4% body fat (plays linebacker at a mid level college). The guy is a freak. The BMI doesn't account for body composition.

 

With that said, 'big boned' is an excuse. I'd be willing to gamble the OP could lose 30-40 pounds. However, if he has always been on the heavy side of the spectrum his whole life, and is older now, he likely will never see the 180's.

 

 

It seems this thread is morphing into a discussion about health more so than the original topic. With that in mind, a few things to consider:

 

The BMI calculation is not absolute and was never intended to be taken as such. It serves as a guide post, nothing more or less. Human beings come in all shapes and sizes and have very different body types. The three recognized types are mesomorph, endomorph, and ectomorph. A mesomorph and ectomorph of the same age and height can have a significantly different "healthy" bodyweights. 

 

However, there is a limit on what constitutes a "healthy" bodyweight. New studies have demonstrated it is not possible to be both obese and healthy, regardless of how much exercise one gets. In other words, one cannot "out-train" a horrendous diet. Carrying excessive body weight is a serious risk factor for all kinds of  medical issues. 

Edited by AndrewandAnn

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