Close friends starting to push their preferences on me

[thump29]

Hi everybody. We have a little problem and I am hoping someone will have some suggestions because I am totally confused.

We have been with this one couple for about 3 months now and we all get along great and we all share the same interests. When we first started swinging with them everything was great, but the last couple of times we have gotten together the male has had a hard time keeping an erection and doesnt want to do much he wants me to do oral on him and thats about it. Well the last time he still had a problem achieving a erection and he told me that he wanted me to be rough with him. Well I had already explained to him that I am not into forceful sex. All he says is he wants me to be rough. I brought the subject up to his wife and all she said is he likes it rough. I havent explained to her that I am concerned that he isnt achieving a erection or that he seems different the last couple of times we got together. The wife does know that I am not into rough sex and all she says is that I should try. So now I am confused I dont know where to go from here. If he wants rough sex then he is going to have to go somewhere else not here. I also feel like it is something to do with me and he isnt telling me. Im not sure if he is jealous because my hubby is bigger than him or what. I know I am going to have to say something to his wife but I am not sure how to bring it up to her, when we talked before she acted like it was no big deal. Any advice would be appreciated. We have become real close friends but I am not sure if I can make myself be rough with him since it is something that I am not into for personal reasons.

[BiloxiCouple]

Swinging is not always about what the other couple wants. It's about what you want and what your limits are.

If you hit your limits then you need to reexamine them and either say yes or no.

The way you talk about this couple no sounds like the right answer.

Only you can decide.

[Brit_Pair]

If you're not into rough sex - for whatever reason - then there's no way you should be even contemplating doing it. This man and his partner seem to expect you to cross a line they know you're unwilling to in order to facilitate his pleasure. What about yours? Have they considered how you'll feel, acting against your instincts just so that he can have a good time?

If you have become really close friends, they'll understand and respect your limits. If they don't, then perhaps they're not the friends you thought they were.

[saywhenillwait]

The one thing that I have always admired about the board, is that no means no, that everyone is of that understanding. Also, that no one is ever forced into a situation that they are not ready to deal with, or that they want to participate in. I dont think this problem is your at all, and I agree with Brit Pair completely. I wouldnt consider swinging with anyone if the guidelines and limits that people on here have set in place were not followed or appreciated.

[SexhoundDog]

I don't believe I could add anything further to what Brit Pair said. Without a doubt, your pleasure would be greatly diminished if you were to try and increase his. I doubt you'd do something that diminished your pleasure to increase your husband's (and I'm betting he'd never expect that from you either), so why would you even want to contemplate considering with another guy?

For my money, I'm not into rough either, Thump. If they have become good friends and you choose to hold back on swinging with them a little and they know your reason, they can either respect that or maybe they aren't that good of friends. Holy shit, I think I've just plagiarized Brit Pair. I'm sorry, don't sue me !

[BiCoupleNJ]

Originally posted by thump29
... The wife does know that I am not into rough sex and all she says is that I should try.

Thump,

We had met a couple like this many years ago. When we first met with them, they were fun & pleasant to spend time with, both in & out of the bedroom. We thought we had become good friends, but something odd happened one weekend... while we were engaged in playing around, she brought out a whip and started whipping him. First she started out lightly. Then her actions became almost abusively hard, raising welts across his back and ass. Liz and I stepped back a sec & told them that we weren't into that sort of stuff and didn't want it going on while they were with us. They apologized and, like your situation, said he preferred rough sex & suggested we try it. We declined because we had tried spanking & whatnot, but didn't like it at all.

Several weeks later, after promising to not do anything along the lines of whipping, we met again. A short while into things, she got up and smacked him in the face like she was trying to really hurt him. She then grabbed his thumb & bent it back almost to his wrist... I couldn't believe that I hadn't heard a pop from her dislocating or breaking it! We stopped & told them right then & there... we said no rough crap was to go on while we were playing, regardless of who was being roughed up. We all dressed & watched some TV and then they left. We haven't heard from them since, other to read in the newspaper that she was charged with domestic violence against him several times since we last met.

Stand your ground... don't let them bully or even sweet talk you into getting into something you don't want to do. As saywhen said, no means no. And if they can't accept that, they can find their way to the door.

Good luck! We know it isn't easy confronting friends when it comes to situations such as this!

Jerry

[JustAskJulie]

My Initial thoughts based on the fact that initially he didn't have any problems getting/ keeping an erection with you but now he does.


Initially sex with you was NEW, so that was enough to get him going. Now he's gotten used to you, the newness has worn off and he needs some other way to get/stay going... so he is forced to revert back to his desire for rough sex, something that he knows turns him on.

Chances are if you got rough with him as he wants it would work.

[BiCoupleNJ]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
Now he's gotten used to you, the newness has worn off...
if you got rough with him as he wants it would work.

Extremely good point, Julie.

And Thump.... based on Julie's point, it is an even more serious issue than simply being asked to do something that you don't wish to do in the first place. How? Well, this guy's actions mirrors those of some people that are mentally unstable - I am sure you've seen a story like it on TV or in the news... a guy gets off with watching through a window as a girl undresses... that gets old quick, so now he has to get a piece of her clothing or something with her smell on it, even if it means he has to get into her apartment... until, finally, what do you know, he's tired of this too, so he needs to make it physical, whether or not the girl accepts that scenario.

I really don't mean to infer that this guy is a rapist... but his actions definitely indicate a bit of a mental instability that you don't EVER want included in your life, intimate or social. We have known people like this. They seem totally above-board and harmless at first. Then something happens... Sad. But true.

Jerry & Liz

[thump29]

Im still not sure what is going on with him. His wife was supposed to come over today so we could talk but things came up with the kids and she couldnt make. I told her we need to get together soon and talk, this is something I dont want to do over the phone. I called her this morning and her husband answers the phone and says oh hey i didnt think it would be you and then he handed the phone over to his wife. I was appalled needless to say. My husband and I have went over everything and we cant think of anything to make him act like he is doing. The one thing that I forgot to mention in my original post was he is extremely jealous of his wife. She comes over with her kids and he is calling her all the time telling her she needs to get home soon and etc. He has been invited over everytime but the last three times we had met with them he was not with her or he wasnt there even tho he knew we were coming over. I have thought and thought and cant think of anything that would make him act that way to me. They kept wanting me to stay the night with them without my husband while he is at work and I keep telling them I cant because of the kids. I really like them both and am hoping that if we cant be playmates we can still be really good friends. Thanks again for everybody's advice it is greatly appreciated. I will keep you posted.

[biblonde]

I hate to say it but this sounds like a guy you may want to stay away from. First he knew your boundries and wanted you to cross them, and he acts jelous but stays away when you are visiting....Known guys like this they start out sweet and fun and turn into crazy men after a while...And then they want you to stay over night when the hubby is at work??? Unless you said that you two play apart that is rude to ask of you! Maybe he doesnt want his wife playing with hubby?? If he is jelous that could get ugly fast! Some people are just better off not being playmates and if they want to just be friends cool but i would personally back off...Talk to the wife first and see what she has to say but i would think twice before playing again..you dont want him to decide he is going to force you to "play rough!!" because he likes it.

best of luck!!!

s

[BiCoupleNJ]

Originally posted by thump29
They kept wanting me to stay the night with them without my husband while he is at work and I keep telling them I cant because of the kids.

Thump,

It is DEFINITELY time to move on. Any couple that, as biblonde stated, asks you to cross your own previously discussed boundaries, especially staying the night & playing without your husband (if that was discussed) is not a couple that you want to be intimate with. There are too many freaks out there that come across as the sweetest, most sincere and perfect people, but lurking inside, when the time allows, is a vicious, nasty human being. Being friends might be OK, but even that is debateable.

I'll say it again - this guy very well may not be harmful... but just remember... Ted Bundy was the most personable and sweet guy to all the ladies... he even came very close to winning over the heart of a major news reporter who interviewed him... all while waiting for his sentence of death to be carried out for murdering so many women.

Good luck!!!

Jerry & Liz

[Elusive BiFem]

I feel as several others here...quite a few red flags flying over this situation.

It isn't just the 'pushing of boundaries' that bothers me. Boundaries are constantly changed as relationships develop...as people get to know each other and develop trust. But the trust thing is part of this issue, as I see it. Thus far, it seems this man has done little to instill any sense of real trust into the relationship the four of you have developed. And that applies to his wife, as well, if she is participating in the move to have you spend the night with them without your husband. And this thing about him being so jealous of his wife, yet not being there when ya'll are invited over? What is that about? Confusing to me.

Also, when we have to start asking question about certain situations...at least for me...that is my first red flag. Something just ain't quite right, you know? It wouldn't be bugging me otherwise. I would feel comfortable. That first questioning will cause me to sit back and look at something carefully.

The other thing I wonder about, and not just in relation to your situation, Mrs. Thump, but in general...why do we feel we have to work so hard at these relationships, involvements...call it what you may. It's been said over and over that swinging should be fun for everyone involved. It just seems that when it becomes this worrisome or stressful or concerning, it is no longer fun but more like work.

Just my thoughts...- EBF

[BiCoupleNJ]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem
why do we feel we have to work so hard at these relationships, involvements...call it what you may. It's been said over and over that swinging should be fun for everyone involved. It just seems that when it becomes this worrisome or stressful or concerning, it is no longer fun but more like work.

Elusive,

Very well put - when the first red flag pops up, it's time to seriously reconsider the entire situation. We could not agree with you more.

We do, however, have a comment on what we quoted from you - although we agree that swinging relationships should be fun and not stressful, there are times when the relationship transcends that of a swinging relationship and you become genuine friends, connected by more than merely sex. We have had relationships like that in the past. In fact, one went from friends (she wasn't totally ready to swing) to swing partners and back to friends again (they began getting entirely too involved in parties & playing with different people every week or two). We became friends like you might with your next door neighbor, being invited to family gatherings and the like. When a relationship gets to that point - and we don't know if Thump's relationship has - then you can expect there will be some differences as in any other friendship.

Some might suggest keeping the two parts of your life separate - swing friends and non-swing friends are never to be in the same place at the same time. But that just isn't logical after you've known some swing friends for a while.

Just some additional food for thought...

Jerry & Liz

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by BiCoupleNJ
Just some additional food for thought...
Jerry & Liz

I agree with all that you said, Jerry & Liz, and in fact, as limited in experience as I am, all of my relationships have involved friendships.

But assuming that to be the case in Mrs. Thumps scenario...the red flags are still there for me. Would a real friend put you in the uncomfortable position of pushing your boundaries? Maybe it is just my way of looking at things, but it seems that if a person was a friend as you described, there would not be reason for confusion or concern and hence, no reason to post the questions to the board. The suggestion would be discussed and accepted or rejected and that would be the end of it. And certainly, if I considered these people my 'friends' I would have no reason to be cautious or leery of their motives.

That said, my response came from the position that the Thumps were not "friends" of this sort with this couple. But maybe I'm totally off base. We'll have to wait and hear from Mrs. Thump on that question.

- EBF

[BiCoupleNJ]

EBF,

You are correct, despite your limited experience in swinging. The reason your experience doesn't come into play is because we are all human and all have friendships and, for swinging to truly be enjoyable and pleasurable, we all need to treat our potential partners as friends in the beginning.

To what degree that friendship grows is another story entirely. And I trust that, based on what I am about to say, you will agree that we are essentially arguing the same point, albeit from different sides of the coin.

We have all, whether in swinging or in our normal, everyday lives, encountered people that we feel are wonderful and fun and someone we'd enjoy befriending. Perhaps it is a business associate, a neighbor, someone from the gym or from church. The point is, that person was appealing enough to you to befriend. Time goes on and all seems perfect. Until one day, that is. Something happens that essentially pits the two of you against each other. Maybe your neighbor's child fought with your child. Your child did the most damage, but the other child started the fight, this being corroborated by several witnesses. Your 'friend' asks to talk about the fight. During the conversation, you apologize because your child hurt their child. She will have none of that... since 'Jimmy' has a broken tooth, she is going to sue you for the dental work. Your friendship has now changed drastically, effectively moving away from friends & now towards 'enemies'. Happens all the time in the suburbs. And it happens all the time in swinging. Difference of opinion seems to pop up at whatever time seems most inappropriate, whether you've been together for 3 months or 3 years.

Maybe the solution to this whole scenario is this... Thump has a problem with a person that presented themself as a friend over the course of several months. This person was not a true friend as they have secondary motives and they exhibit instability in their own relationship manifested through jealousy. The best advice we can all offer Thump is to steer clear of this couple and move on to another couple. However, it would be pudent in the future to spend more time developing the friendship before taking it to a physical level.

Jerry & Liz