My boyfriend are new to this, and we just had our first soft-swing experience. He said that he does not want me to be with another male, but he is down with having another female giving him oral etc. Is he being selfish? or is this just what happens when you first start out?
I doubt if selfish is exactly the right emotion in this case. Any time we have ever met anyone where it was ok for one partner to play with the opposite sex and not the other it was usually due to insecurity or jealousy which have no place in swinging, in my opinion.
Originally Posted by Lakeport56
or is this just what happens when you first start out?
It probably happens, but I doubt if many of the ones it happens to become successful swingers. The reason for this is that inequality in what is allowed just leads to drama and hard feelings between partners. By your question here it is obvious that it seems unfair to you. If that is the case, then you shouldn't let it go any further. If after talking it out together, he still insists that it is all right for him but not for you, then you are not ready for swinging. It isn't for everybody, in fact, I think most people cannot be comfortable with their partner having intimate contact with someone else, that is why such a small percentage of the population are swingers.
In the beginning of exploring swinging it's normal to not know exactly what you can and can't handle. It may take him a while to come to terms with seeing you with another man. However, if this is something that you want to try, he needs to be aware of this and realize that it's not fair for him to always have another woman giving him attention and you not getting what you want, i.e. another man.
Swinging should be about what both parties want, not just one. Remember to always communicate openly and honestly.
The bottom line, as has been mentioned already, is that this should be about you both doing things you want to do. Along with that thought comes the point that you should avoid doing those things you don't want to do.
To answer the is it okay question?
I think it is if you're in a situation where he wants to fool around with other women, AND you want him to fool around with other women, AND you don't want to fool around with other men.
When you're not fully in agreement, you're at risk of having problems.
Yes he is being selfish but it is out of ignorance. Have him check out this site and he may change his mind. Even if another female is the only thing acceptable it is something you both should do anyway.
Alright, I know we are very new to this, but there is no way I would be alright with my husband playing and not me (and he wouldn't want to). One of the best most important things I have learned from just reading on here and about the life style is that it has to be a mutual decision or none at all. So, if you're ok with just females, then that's great, but if you are not, you two really need to talk about this more. It's not fair to either one of you if only one is having their dreams come to life and not the other one. It seems like it would take away the whole experience, that in my opinion, is meant to be shared together.
Susan here-- So he's fine getting what he wants, but not with what you might want. Sorry, but he's sexually immature and not ready for this. I know I should be more understanding as I often read how people 'grow' into this. Yet, it often seems to be the guy who needs to grow into things, but he's always ready for the fmf threesome where he gets worked over. I introduced my husband to swinging, and he got to watch a wonderful male friend fuck me as a galpal started on him. He never looked back and has been an adorable partner. We would never view recreational sex as something we had to 'adapt' to or 'get used to'. Sorry, but this topic really gets me going.
What you described is how many men think they want this all to start and many are afraid of their ladies being with other men. They tend to be insecure and afraid that their lady will find something better. Hell, Laura has found many that are better then me in some ways but I don't ever worry about it, she always leaves the party with me and we go home and have the best sex there is.
Maybe get him to spend some time reading a couple hundred threads here to get the idea that he has nothing to worry about.
Then again he might not be ready for this at all. Swinging is not for everyone. Very, Very few couples can withstand what this lifestyle offers.
That two girl fantasy is not all it is cracked up to be that many guys seem to have unless the two girls are also into each other.
Talk to him and get his reasons for him not wanting you to be with another guy. If it is not something that works for both of you then you two should not be getting into this.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. Share it all with him. The key is if it's not mutually satisfying, it's not good for you. If he is unable or unwilling to deal with your having your sexual desires met, then I'm afraid you'll both need to give the lifestyle a pass. At first I wasn't sure about seeing my husband with another woman, even though he'd told me about his desire to see me with another man. After that first night of watching the woman's face as he plunged into her, I was hooked. He may be the same.
Yes, i do think that he is being selfish. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Why should you be denied fulfilling your fantasy/fantasies? Girl on girl play seem to be safer in some people minds, but there is a danger in that too. When me and my fiance started out, he wanted us to go about it in the same way your guy has suggested and i think it is because he was insecure. I was not happy with it because i felt that i was being forced to like something that i really did'nt just to make him happy and deny myself my happiness. If you like being with women, then it will work for you. We are 10 months into the life-style now and i think we have finally worked everything out. We have made lots of new friend, i'm not as jealous as i once was, and we do not let swinging come before the rest of our day to day life. It takes time to work out what you both want. Just remember to always be open and honest with each other. Everything will come together and you guys will make great swingers. Good luck.