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  1. #1
    Here to Stay NewtotheLife's Avatar
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    Default Believe this couple is looking for different things than we are

    First I just wanted to say thank you thank you. I have been lurking on this site for a while now and reading a lot. The information I have found here is incredibly informative for a person trying to decide if this lifestyle is right for them.

    Ok here is some background info I'll try to keep it breif:
    My husband and I have been married for 16 years and never even discussed the issue until a couple of months ago (I brought up the idea of a threesome with another woman) Since then we have investigated, discussed and played devils advocate on weather this is for us or not. We have decided we have nothing to lose as long as we keep the lines of communication open every step of the way and agree not to pressure the other. If one says at any point I don't think so, we will go back to our preswinging lifestyle.

    Recently we met another couple online and after chatting several times we went out just to get to know each other better. It went very well and they seem to be very understanding to the fact that we aren't sure how far we want to take it. We've made a date to get together to play for Saturday and are all very excited about it.

    The problem is I don't think we're (us and the other couple) are into it for the same reason. My husband and I are looking to extend our love making to include some things we just can't do alone. It is all about us a couple, and we've told the other couple this. They say they are fine with that, but then turn around and keep saying if things go well it would be really great if we could reach a point where we'd all be comfortable with doing things as just him and me or just her and my hubby. Seems to me they are looking for something I don't think we could ever give them.

    So the question is should we go ahead and move forward with this couple or not. Keep in mind we have told them that we would only play together so we haven't misled them in any way. We are so new to this I'm not sure of the what's "proper". Any advice you can throw my way would be very much appreciated. I hope this wasn't too long of a post.

  2. #2
    Swingers Board Addict Dooode's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Quote Originally Posted by NewtotheLife
    So the question is should we go ahead and move forward with this couple or not. Keep in mind we have told them that we would only play together so we haven't misled them in any way. We are so new to this I'm not sure of the what's "proper". Any advice you can throw my way would be very much appreciated. I hope this wasn't too long of a post.
    No, your post was well defined.

    The bottom line in the lifestyle is what is proper for you as a couple. Nothing else matters. If swinging together is what you both are comfortable with, then it's case closed. The iron-clad rule is supposed to be "no" means "NO!"

    Although this couple sounds like a good match otherwise, if you decide to proceed with them, you simply need emphasize that seperate room sex is never going to happen. Period.

    Then it's up to them to decide if they want to proceed or not, now that they know your boundaries are set in stone.
    Last edited by Dooode; 08-31-2006 at 11:15 AM. Reason: fix a word

  3. #3
    Swingers Board Addict AZ Dreaming's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Sounds like you and your hubby have started off right! Communication is the key.

    I felt like I needed to respond to your post because we had this very same thing happen. The difference was that they kept pushing and my hubby thought that we should "compromise" and see how it went, since they had "compromised " and played in the same room with us. It was a TOTALLY crash and burn....

    We no longer see this couple or talk to them. They were really in it to have an open marriage and did not really want to play together. It was a lack of communication between us and the other couple.

    I don't want to scare you. If you and hubby stick with your rules and don't let them push you and you are honest with them that it will ALWAYS be same room, then I think it will be fine. And if that is not ok with them, then move on!

    Good luck on your first experience!!
    I aim to misbehave.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Quote Originally Posted by NewtotheLife
    They say they are fine with that, but then turn around and keep saying if things go well it would be really great if we could reach a point where we'd all be comfortable with doing things as just him and me or just her and my hubby. Seems to me they are looking for something I don't think we could ever give them.
    I think if you like the couple then you should proceed at your pace. From the way I read your post, they are saying IF things go well it WOULD be great. To me, that says "We are fine with ABC, but if everyone is on the same page and is up for XYZ, then lets do XYZ. If not, ABC is cool too."

    We play with a soft swing couple; we are a full swap couple. It's Ok that they are soft, would I like a full with them, yes. But if they aren't up for it no big deal, we'll still have fun doing what we are doing.

    Just because you don't want to do XYZ now, doesn't mean that you won't in the future. As you've stated, they are fine with ABC.

    Just don't do the LMNOP thing! (J/K)

  5. #5
    I'll think about it LikeMinds321's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Quote Originally Posted by NewtotheLife

    The problem is I don't think we're (us and the other couple) are into it for the same reason. My husband and I are looking to extend our love making to include some things we just can't do alone. It is all about us a couple, and we've told the other couple this. They say they are fine with that, but then turn around and keep saying if things go well it would be really great if we could reach a point where we'd all be comfortable with doing things as just him and me or just her and my hubby. Seems to me they are looking for something I don't think we could ever give them.
    You didn't mention if you met online through an ad site or whether you contacted them, or they you. I'd like to know that, it would help and here's why.

    If in their profile they state that they swing alone, then they let people know from the start what they like and hope for. If they brought this up to you only after meeting face to face, I am concerned that this is a sneaky way of "soft pushing" you into something they know you aren't looking for.

    People do say things they don't really mean. As swingers we have to know when they are being truthful or just saying what they think you want to hear.

    This is where your gut instincts are very helpful. I think you're listening to your gut but wondering if you should ignore that little voice within that's sending you a warning. Heed it and proceed cautiously.

    I would suggest sending an e-mail before you meet this weekend that is friendly and mentions your looking forward to getting together again, but also restate that you are not - or ever intend to - swing alone or separately and you feel that's its important they understand this.

    If it was their intent to persuade you to play alone, they may back off right now. You'll be the better for it. If they decide to meet, enjoy yourselves in a way that you're comfortable with and stay your ground on the 'play alone' subject. See if they mention the playing alone anymore. If they do, I'd say they are not listening to you and are only thinking of themselves.

    Good luck and report back.

    LM

  6. #6
    Here to Stay NewtotheLife's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Thanks for the advice it seems right on with my intuition just great to get feedback from more experienced folks.

    We met through an online personal ad. We contacted them. Their bio said they were looking for couples for same room swap. No mention of anything else. I should also add we have been chatting online almost every day and talking on the phone. He is the one who always mentions playing alone. She seems very whatever we want, "Just want what makes you comfortable" and so on.

    It's so hard to make a right decision. We have been so turned on since we set up the play date we can't even see straight. Or is it the lack of sleep? We just don't want to feel like we led them on to get what we want. Is that weird.

  7. #7
    Jay's Bumper Buddy ShellyM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Quote Originally Posted by NewtotheLife
    The problem is I don't think we're (us and the other couple) are into it for the same reason. My husband and I are looking to extend our love making to include some things we just can't do alone. It is all about us a couple, and we've told the other couple this. They say they are fine with that, but then turn around and keep saying if things go well it would be really great if we could reach a point where we'd all be comfortable with doing things as just him and me or just her and my hubby. Seems to me they are looking for something I don't think we could ever give them.
    I will tell you this right now. Now given, I have been told by others that I tend to be overly blunt. This is probably the truth. However, how can honesty ever be a bad thing? I can only tell you how I would handle this situation. Before you play, you need to talk. I would let them know from jump that you ONLY play together, and that there will be no separate play involved. Then, if they decide not to continue your relationship at least you know that you were spared. I personally would say it from jump. There should be no mis-understandings involved.
    Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho
    Shelly

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    NewtotheLife -

    Can you clarify something for me? When the male is asking for more than you are willing to commit to at this point, is he asking about this weekend or sometime in the future?

    The advice I gave was based on sometime in the future. If it is all based on what he wants to do this weekend then my advice changes completely. If it is based on the future, do as others have suggested and definitely reiterate to them what you two are looking for. Good luck.

    DM1

  9. #9
    Here to Stay NewtotheLife's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    dallmax1

    Sometime in the future. Thanks

  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict JTcamp05's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    I don't see a red flag here,


    Sounds like he's saying that he hopes you become great friends and are comfortable enough someday to have a relationship thats very open with them.

    I guess if its not pushy or overbearing just wait and see what happens. With a little experience you may be more comfortable with things that make you uneasy now. You need not do anything your not comfortable with, yet with out the experience you how do you know what that is?

  11. #11
    Swingers Board Addict Amanda69's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Nice to see a new couple going about starting in the lifestyle in a way that is open and honest with each other...it will take you far and hopefully you can avoid some of the pitfalls.

    However, contrary to the others here I do see a small red flag waving in the distance. This couple sounds as though they are looking for a relationship with the two of you, one that at later date may extend to other sorts of play that they also enjoy.

    Date we have been on don't tend to look to the future in that way. Imagine as a single having a first date and the person you are with starts talking about date #5 and what you might do on it...a little creepy.

    You not only have to be honest with each other within your relationship but also with this couple. If you are interested in ongoing contact then great but if not be clear with them that this simply is not something you see. Once in a while okay but not steady dating with them.

    Good luck and play safe...
    Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. "Harvey Fierstein"

  12. #12
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    I don't necessarily think there's a reason not to proceed but I would do so cautiously. If at any point you feel like they are pressuring you beyond what you are comfortable with you may want to stop things at that point.

    Have you been clear with them when they have brought up that "if / then" idea that that is not a place you expect or desire to be? Sometimes when people make us uncomfortable with statements like that it's easier to just ignore the statement and move on, but what really needs to happen is to confront him and tell him straight up that it's not going to happen. Be very clear with him and even go so far as to tell him that the idea of it is making you uncomfortable. If he continues after you have been that straight forward then I would say break it off. He's got an idea in his head of where he wants things to go and he's not going to be happy until things go there. If he doesn't respect you enough to drop it after you've been straight foward with him then he doesn't respect you enough to swing with you.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    Another thing to keep in mind: play rules sometimes change as time goes by. At this very moment, we are same room ... but in the future, who knows? We may change our mind. As most will tell you, most folks rules have been modified over time, so no need to get hung up on that. And more than not, swinger folks are more than accommodating to make sure everyone's play time is fun and enjoyable.

    It's a treat to find folks you feel comfortable with, so go and have fun!

  14. #14
    Swingers Board Addict She_n_Jaybee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    The more experienced posters here cringe when they see my name come up. You'll learn

    I'm going to guess, the threesome because you want to explore your bisexual side? If so, then I (in a generic sense) know this other couple. Not personally, but behaviourally. They appear to be looking mainly at his pleasure. She is following his lead. He will probably be the aggressor. We've ran into several couples like this. For us, the primary aim is to allow She to enjoy her bisexuality. So if the other man is doing all the talking to her, it's no deal because our goals are completely different. If the other woman is taking the lead and talking to her, then we have a match. We began same as you, have progressed to doing full, same room swapping, but only after the women have their fun with each other, and only if all feel right about it. We are in it for us as a couple. Just her and another man or just me and another woman would be the opposite of our goals, so it's not a consideration and we won't even start something with a couple that is working in that direction.

    Personally, I'd cancel the play date for that reason. They (he) will be upset, will probably use several tactics to get you to change your mind and in the end will probably be rather abusive. If so, cancelling was the right choice. If after hearing you're cancelling and why, he's understanding then just make it a date but not a play date. Take it slower, and keep looking for a couple that is more suited to your desires. Easier to change plans now, than to find yourself trying to get dressed and get out, or get them out if things take the wrong turn.
    A Man's own manner and character is what becomes him - Cicero

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Red flag or just jitters??

    From day one of joining this website we have followed some of the best advice written on these boards and refined it to fit us.

    Do what works for both of you, if either one feels uncomfortable... then stop, talk, and move on.

    Be upfront at all times with the couple you are playing with.

    Have fun, if it's not fun then you shouldn't be doing it.

    Mr. Lol_omg
    Somebody better go back and get a shitload of dimes!!!

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