Our Swinging Preferences, do we have A Shallow Mindset?

[2jersey]

For us, each of the statements listed below is TRUE.

Questions:
Do we have anything in common?
Would you consider us to be shallow minded?
Is our mindset disturbing?

Statements:

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction.

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face.

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date.

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.

[DGrey]

1. True
2. True
3. First half true...we enjoy playing on first date but the second half is false. We'd meet a couple for second date if we didn't play on a first date/meeting. Case in point the party we attended last week. We didn't get to play with certain people but that doesn't mean we wouldn't meet them again.
4. False, we enjoy forming friendships with people but it's not a requirement. We enjoy repeat play as well.

[robel12550]

With regard to statement #2, according to psychologists (to the best of my recollection), you're preception is off by about 19 minutes and 40 seconds since people usually have sized up another person within roughly 17 to 20 seconds.

Correct me if I've misread, but it sounds like you're a one more chance black widow spider in that you basically only meet up with people with the idea that you won't be playing/seeing them again after the second date. Is that because you don't like them anymore or you're after the variety of the lifestyle?

As far as "shallow" goes, I wouldn't get into that. But basically as long as you're both in agreement with this philosophy and your perspective play partners are aware of it also, then what the fuck? Truth be told, if everyone really analyzed themselves, they're probably all "shallow" with regard to making certain judgements or restrictions with regard to who they do or don't engage with. If you're coming to the board to obtain verification of your modus operandi then most likely the rest of the posts will be a mix of "yes" and "no" depending upon where other swingers perceive themselves. One of the more attractive aspects of the lifestyle is that there's a variety of people who believe in different ways of going about it.

To each his/her/their own.

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by robel12550

With regard to statement #2, according to psychologists (to the best of my recollection), you're preception is off by about 19 minutes and 40 seconds since people usually have sized up another person within roughly 17 to 20 seconds.

That is a very interesting statistic. This is one reason why we prefer to meet for drinks (and maybe appetizers) rather than dinner. We'll stick around for a couple/few drinks if the conversation is interesting, but we don't want to get stuck sitting around a dinner table with strangers to whom we are not physically attracted.

Correct me if I've misread, but it sounds like you're a one more chance black widow spider in that you basically only meet up with people with the idea that you won't be playing/seeing them again after the second date. Is that because you don't like them anymore or you're after the variety of the lifestyle?

Variety is certainly a big part of why the lifestyle is attractive for us.

One of our favorite couples has relocated to another part of the country (at least that is what they have told us - we would play with them again if they still lived locally. There is another couple he wants to play with a third time, but she says "no" - and 'no' always trumps 'yes'. We are relative newbies and imagine that this aspect of our experience will have changed if we are still in the lifestyle a couple of years from now.

As far as "shallow" goes, I wouldn't get into that. But basically as long as you're both in agreement with this philosophy and your perspective play partners are aware of it also, then what the fuck? Truth be told, if everyone really analyzed themselves, they're probably all "shallow" with regard to making certain judgements or restrictions with regard to who they do or don't engage with.

We think we are being shallow, in a sense, but this is what makes us happy, for now - and nobody is getting hurt. We don't feel the need to prepare our play partners with this information.

If you're coming to the board to obtain verification of your modus operandi then most likely the rest of the posts will be a mix of "yes" and "no" depending upon where other swingers perceive themselves. One of the more attractive aspects of the lifestyle is that there's a variety of people who believe in different ways of going about it

.

We assume you mean 'validation' rather than "verification"? (We haven't played with enough board members for them to provide "verification" of our approach ) Actually, our sole purpose for starting this thread is to gain knowledge on a topic which interests us. You have helped...

We actually believe that navigating through the lifestyle would be easier if everyone was on a similar wavelength. But, we certainly don't expect this to be the case.

To each his/her/their own.

[Chicup]

Questions:
Do we have anything in common? yes
Would you consider us to be shallow minded? yes
Is our mindset disturbing? no

Statements:

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction. - Ditto

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face. - Ditto

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date. -Good things comes to those who wait.

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.- I think our swinger 'average' is twice per couple but we do not find that to be satisfying

We have been swinging 'with friends' for a number of years but only played 'in the lifestyle' for the last year. By lifestyle I'm talking about the clubs, slut wear, 'hey wanna fuck', type of lifestyle. We have vasillating back and forth between being a friends with benifits type of couple or a lifestyle couple and both have merits and short commings. More and more I'm thinking the lifestyle type of swinging isn't going to be our thing. We are meeting a new couple (semi-newbie) this weekend, we KNOW there will be no play. We have done this a number of times in the past, most of the time it doesn't pan out, but when it does it turns into something more long term, where everyone is more comfortable.

[Chicup]

As for the 20 min rule.......

We might know in the first 10 seconds that we will NOT play with someone, but it takes more time to determine if we will. If it comes out they are into GG only play, or something else we wouldn't be interested in, we won't play and that can take longer than a heartbeat to know for sure.

[Alura]

Your way is not our way, 2Jersey, but you certainly have the right to approach the lifestyle anyway you please. Your mindset does not disturb us, we'll leave it up to you to decide if you're shallow minded or not, and we would be glad to be your vanilla friends even though your approach to swinging leaves us with little in common.

For us, we haven't met enough couples who think as we do that we could afford to toss them aside after the second playdate. A constant influx of new partners also leaves us more vulnerable to STDs than we care to risk.

Yes, we've played on the first date and found it thrilling. Hell, we even had sex on our own first date, twenty-six years ago. It's also a good way to help us to decide if we want to continue the friendship.

We've enjoyed the long-term friendships we've built through swinging and enjoy the relaxation that comes with not having to be constantly searching for partners. One of the best benefits is being able to pick up the 'phone and say, "Hey, Mr. & Mrs. Playmate, the kids are gone to an unexpected sleepover. Wanna come over and play?"

Alura

[discoandvyper]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Statements:

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction.

True for us as well. Neither of us will take one for the team.

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face.

True for us as well, though there is one instance we were wrong because the female wore a heavy overcoat. It was winter, and we mistook that for her being grossly out of shape

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date.

Not true in our case. While we have played on a first date, it is not the norm and we certainly havn't held no sex on the first date against any other couple. As a matter of fact, our standard rule is no sex on the first date (which we break fairly often).

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.

That's not our case. In our instance, we're more interested in making friendships with people that could possibly lead to sex than just having sex and see ya later. We also usually play several times with the people we do meet and end up playing with.

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

For us, each of the statements listed below is TRUE.

Questions:
Do we have anything in common?
Would you consider us to be shallow minded?
Is our mindset disturbing?

Statements:

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction.

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face.

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date.

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.

1. Ditto
2. Again Ditto.
3. Not experienced enough, I don't think, to answer that. We have only played once, and did not play until the second meet. However, I cannot say I would never play on the first date.
4. Again not experienced enough. Planning our second play date with same couple for next week.

But I truly do not believe you to be shallow. You know what you want, you know what makes you happy and you are not dishonest, nor misleading about it. That in my book makes you better than most people walking the face of the earth. If some of my "dates" from my single vanilla days would have been this honest, I would probably respect them more than I do LOL.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

For us, each of the statements listed below is TRUE.

Questions:
Do we have anything in common?

For us, I would say we don't have allot in common. Not a bad thing, just different people.

Would you consider us to be shallow minded?

Based on some of your comments regarding physical appearances (such as weight) my first reaction would be "yes". This is partially because you've said some things in the past that on the surface seemed kind of offensive to anyone larger then a size 6. You seem to have an aversion to chubbier people and are very vocal about it. But, everyone swings like they are comfortable doing so. Just because your way of doing it is different then ours just means you are different people. So I take it all with a grain of salt, realizing that not everybody's strike-zone is as wide as mine.

Many of your posts also proclaim tolerance of others opinions, but then you quickly berate those that have an opinion that differs from yours.

Is our mindset disturbing?

No, not disturbing, but quaint. I would say your mindset is exactly where it needs to be right now for where you are as you explore swinging. I know you two have just broken into full swap although you've been doing soft swap for some time. To a veteran swinger it might seem odd, but we were all in the same or similar place at one time, also. The kind of comfort level veterns have compred to newbies usually does not happen overnight. I know it didn't for us. Our list of rules was pretty long when we started, now there are only a couple.

There is no one way to swing. There are as many ways as there are people. The trick is finding those that you are compatible with.

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Statements:

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction.

Physical attraction is important to us mainly because it's what makes you want to approach a certain person in the first place. But that said, we have a pretty wide strike-zone, and this is where personality and chemistry come into play. Women that were 10's to me at first have become 5's in the first 10 minutes of getting to know them, and there have been many more 5's that have 10's. Chemistry counts for allot with us.

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face.

Same here. I think this is pretty common whether you are swinging or dating vanilla.

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date.

Playing on the first date is not important to us. We find we really enjoy the social aspects of the Lifestyle and the sex is a bonus. I guess you could say we're not in it just for the sex.

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.

We prefer to play with couples we click with on an ongoing basis. We've found that for us the sex only gets better as you get to know them better. You find out what they like and dislike. And as you get to like them more, the chemistry gets better.

Also, many of our playmates have become friends. Even after the sex has worn off and we've started playing with others, the friendship remains. In fact as I was writing this the husband of one couple called me just to chat. We've found that we develop a "tribe", people that have allot in common with us besides sex. Many of these people I trust more then our vanilla friends.

Mr. WS

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

...Based on some of your comments regarding physical appearances (such as weight) my first reaction would be "yes". This is partially because you've said some things in the past that on the surface seemed kind of offensive to anyone larger then a size 6. You seem to have an aversion to chubbier people and are very vocal about it. But, everyone swings like they are comfortable doing so. Just because your way of doing it is different then ours just means you are different people. So I take it all with a grain of salt, realizing that not everybody's strike-zone is as wide as mine. Many of your posts also proclaim tolerance of others opinions, but then you quickly berate those that have an opinion that differs from yours....

We are sorry that you chose to focus so much of your attention on insulting us personally. When we asked the question: "Would you consider us to be shallow minded?", we were not asking for a referendum on all of our Swingers Board posts - only on the statements we made in the initial post of this thread.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

We are sorry that you chose to focus so much of your attention on insulting us personally. When we asked the question: "Would you consider us to be shallow minded?", we were not asking for a referendum on all of our Swingers Board posts - only on the statements we made in the initial post of this thread.

I don't mean to be insulting, just honest. You asked the question "Would you consider us to be shallow minded?". You opened yourself up for honest answers with that one. I was honest based on my experiences with you on this Board. I didn't know you meant just this post . On several occasions I've felt that rather than just stating your position on a subject you've gone on to informing me and others why our's is wrong because it's not the same as yours.

Mr. WS

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

I don't mean to be insulting, just honest. You asked the question "Would you consider us to be shallow minded?". You opened yourself up for honest answers with that one. I was honest based on my experiences with you on this Board. I didn't know you meant just this post . On several occasions I've felt that rather than just stating your position on a subject you've gone on to informing me and others why our's is wrong because it's not the same as yours.

Mr. WS

Okay, so you disagree with certain views we have expressed on other threads on this board. Point noted.

[djjwp]

1) We aim to establish mental compatibility with the couples we meet, but we won’t even consider playing unless there is a strong physical attraction.

Agree, If we are not turned on, then we are turned off. Some couples do nothing for us so why do it?

2) We are greatly influenced by first impressions and we usually know if we want to play with a couple within 20 minutes of meeting them face-to-face.

We know if we want to persue it in that time but never are that judgemental unless they are just jerks.

3) We enjoy playing on the first date, and we have never met with a couple for a second date unless we have played on the first date.

My guess is you have missed a lot of fun.

4) We have never played with a couple more than twice, and we aren’t very interested in forming lasting friendships with our play partners.

180 from us, if they can't be friends, we have no use for them.

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by Alura

For us, we haven't met enough couples who think as we do that we could afford to toss them aside after the second playdate. A constant influx of new partners also leaves us more vulnerable to STDs than we care to risk....

We've enjoyed the long-term friendships we've built through swinging and enjoy the relaxation that comes with not having to be constantly searching for partners. One of the best benefits is being able to pick up the 'phone and say, "Hey, Mr. & Mrs. Playmate, the kids are gone to an unexpected sleepover. Wanna come over and play?"

Alura

This post makes a number of good points.

Variety (combined with frequency) does raise exposure to STDs - something we need to better consider.

It is, indeed, difficult to find a steady stream of new couples - especially online where things tend to move a bit slower than at clubs/parties.

As Alura and others have said - swingers tend to have compatible attitudes about alot of things, and this can form the basis for a good friendship. We're not in the same league as those who require friendship before play - but we could be attracted to a friends with benefits situation if one were to fall in our lap (although we're not screening people with this objective in mind at the current time).

There seems to be fairly widespread agreement that attraction is something that can be measured in a relatively brief face-to-face meeting - but as Chiccup suggests, immediate physical attraction is a necessary (but not sufficient) condition for play - personalities need to mesh, as do sexual objectives.

Learning alot from reading these posts. Thanks.