Lost it at the worst time

[Pinky_n_The_Bean]

Hi everyone:

I had a situation that happened this past weekend that really led me to lose confidence in myself. We have been swinging for just the last 2 months, and have been with a few couples, mostly good experiences, but not quite what we were really looking for. A few weeks ago we met a couple (just meet & greet) and we hit it off and became very good friends. Until last Saturday we had not played (except for a little above-the waist stuff once), mostly due to their children situation (who we adore, btw). But this wasn't a bad thing, as we enjoyed their company in so many other ways. We felt like this was the situation my wife and i wanted...close friends where sex was a plus, not just "encounters". Anyway, after attending a small club function we finally had a chance to play at our place (no kids). I was hoping this would be a special time, and maybe i set my expectations way too high, but basically to make a long story short, I had the hardest time getting it up...something that had never happened before. I was devestated, to say the least, and the more i tried the worse it got. There were alot of factors that contributed i'm sure...very late hours, nervousness, my wife picked out condoms that were too small, I was starting a cold (I discovered soon), the other woman (I found out afterward) takes longer than usual to get off with oral sex (and that got me freaky), etc etc. The other couple was very gracious about it...the other guy said "hey, it could easily happen to me next time, don't sweat it", and the woman was sweet and patient, but was puzzled why i wasn't relaxed with them (since i'm always relaxed around them otherwise)...but i still feel like dog dookie. Anyway, I'm having a hard time getting past it. I'm not sure when (or if???) we'll play again, and I certainly don't want to get nervous all over again.

So...is this an experience similar to what anyone here has had? What do you do to stop worrying and start relaxing? The last thing i want to do is have this become an issue in our friendship.

[walrus0115]

This is probably one of the most common problems faced by men new to swinging (and sometimes by experienced swingers.)

There are numerous ways to deal with the problem, however, the most important thing is knowing that it is perfectly normal.

If I were you (and I was once), I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you don't have impotency problems in your normal sex life it's just a simple case of "stage fright" and it will pass as you become more comfortable having sex with a woman other than your wife.

Good luck and keep trying! It's worth it!

[Pinky_n_The_Bean]

Thanks for the threads, Walrus, they were very helpful. Sometimes its just nice to know you're not alone. BTW, we have had a heart-to-heart with our friends since i posted my original post...seems their main concern was not my performance but my anxiety...and looking at my post I can tell I had a lot of it! But i feel a lot better now, thanks!

[TeamSoBe]

It happens to just about everybody, especially if you don't have a lot of experience having sex with new people and with an audience. One of the relatively recent threads on this subject is about the same thing happening to me. It's really not a big deal if you don't make a big deal of it. It seems that most of the women in the lifestyle are aware that it can be a problem for men, especially those of us that are new to everything.

Three big things helped for me:

1) Always fuck your own wife first. You are comfortable with her and familiar with her, and your own wife will get you going. You get confidence from seeing that everything is working, and once the mood is firmly sexual, you're there, it's easy to transfer that to another girl.

2) If you're not used to having sex in front of other people, then it can be rough even with your own wife. In that case try Viagra, there's nothing wrong with using it, and that's what the stuff is designed for after all.

3) Relax, it's just fun. Nobody will think less of you if you have problems once or twice, or even a few times. The more relaxed you are about everything, the more likely you are to be able to do your thing.

[sportync]

Unless this problem has surfaced regularly before, I wouldn't sweat it. Same thing happened to me with another couple...it was very late at night, we were tired, we'd had a lot to drink, and we had literally fucked our brains out the night before, so I had some problems in the erection department. Oh well, that's why we've got tongues and fingers and noses and toes...in other words, use your imagination, and if that doesn't work, break out the ole' vibrator. To me, this isn't really so much about penetration and orgasm...it's about sharing and touching, smelling, tasting, seeing, hearing and mostly just enjoying the fact that you are here, naked with a couple of beautiful women who are also naked and there are a lot of ways to give them pleasure without jabbin' them with a woodie.
But, the more you worry yourself about it, the more likely it is to happen again. Remember, your brain is your most important sex organ, and it can be full of suprises, so relax and just enjoy the setting and the people you are with, and everything else should be just fine. Sportync

[O & D]

Yup, had that happen a few times. And as sportync
said, there are other things you can use. Don't let it get you down, somtimes I'm to damn tired
and that will not help at all, and ad booze! That could put you down for the night. Relax and enjoy.
Op

[fun4u2002]

I just had to add my two cents worth. The main reason is because I am going through the same thing. I never have a problem when it is just me and my wife, but add another couple and watch it shrink. I never have trouble with oral sex, but as soon as the latex comes out the trouble begins. I think part of it is because my wife and I never use condoms so they are actually new to us and the rest is what everybody else has mentioned, tired, alcohol, stage fright, and then the ultimate evil-trying too damn hard. I have been lucky, the 3 couples that we have been with (in a row) the ladies were very supportive and seemed not to mind, so the pressure was all self made and unneccessary. Just what ever you do, don't give up. I did find one thing that works...go about a week with no sex...(no not even solo) and then meet with a couple. worked for me, but I think viagra will be easier on me and the wife.

[Pinky_n_The_Bean]

Thanks again to everybody's responses...sometimes just knowing you're not alone is half the battle. I haven't yet had a play opportunity since that time, but I'm more confident and relaxed that that night was a fluke, as that was the only time it has happened. You guys have been a real help!

[Twest]

I agree with Sportyny. I believe the most important sex organ is the brain. Stress and pressure will most likely lead to failure. If you are worried about not being able to rise to the occasion, you're almost assured that's exactly what will happen. RELAX. Approaching a get together with no expectations and a "go with the flow" attitude will increase your chances of having an enjoyable encounter.
No expectations = no disappointments.
Good luck.

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Twest ]</small>

[mksNmd]

Well, it looks like you received more “support” than I did. It finally happened to me several weeks ago. I am still trying to get over it.

We’ve been corresponding with this couple for about two weeks and after a brief phone conversation, we finally met. It was perfect. Everyone was attracted to each other and we felt completely comfortable. Even though we don’t usually play on the first meeting, this was a no brainer. I was hard as a rock, but lost it while performing oral on her. Not her fault - I really like her - it just went south. I only got it back later in the evening while having sex with my wife. The other woman was pissed.

We spoke with them several days later and she basically blamed me for not having a good time. She also insinuated that I had a problem in that department. Boy, did that one sting. Anyway, we haven’t spoken to them in over two weeks and it looks like they are not interested in getting together again. It’s pretty sad, since we have so much in common.

We are scheduled to meet another couple this weekend and I really don’t want to go. My wife wants to “party” and told me to get over it, since she “knows” I don’t have a problem. Yeah - right! Easy for her to say.

The lifestyle is by far easier for women than it is for men. There is no clear indication if you are not interested or completely aroused. We men on the other hand have something “sticking” out that must stay hard in order to satisfy you. If we are not up to the task, everyone in the room knows. That is a lot of pressure.


M

[Buff Daddy]

Gosh it's so nice to hear I'm not alone in this totally embarrasing situation. This is my first post here.
My wife and I just recently tried swinging and we are still newbees.
I wish I would have known about this forum before hand.
Anyway, the same damn thing happened to me my first time and I was in friggin shock man. I have literally never been that depressed in my whole life. (the gulf war included)
We backed off a month or so and decided to try and give it another go at it with the same couple whom we like very much.
Wholy shit, the same damn thing happened, even when I was feeling comfortable and excited. Hell, my damn pecker seemed to get smaller!
The minute I got home my damn dick was hard as a rock. Me and my wife just looked at each other and laughed.
But this is serious now, we both want to do this successfully together, and have fun and enjoy the company and sex. My wife said she will refuse intercourse with the other male if I am impotent during the next encounter. I feel this is unfair to the other couple who are also in this problem with us.
But that is her rule, so then it becomes mine too.
So, I ordered 4 pills of 100mg Viagra. I will expiriment before we actually get together with the other couple again. I don't want to go from limp, to killing the other girl with a rock hard dick for 2 hours.
If the Viagra fails in the next encounter, we will probably give up swinging entirely. We don't have any other answers...........
What get's me is, I can't figure out what's causing this. When I'm, with my wife I can orgasm, keep my erection, and keep having sex passionately without flinching. I can usually get a hard on just by looking at other women. What gives man?
I really, really hope the Viagra works.
My wife and I have such a wonderfull relationship. I think we could really enjoy this and I hope it works out for us.
I will let all the interested men on the board know how it works out.
It may be a while, our game plan is to chill for a couple weeks and maybe even months. Let me built my confidence, and forget about the last 2 occassions (ya right). Expiriment with the Viagra. And no sex or masterbation for 1 week before the next encounter.
Almost sounds like to much damn work huh.........

[Mariposa_y_Oso]

...the best thing is to get back on and try again!

Something like this happened to us a while back. We have some friends that we play with and feel very comfortable with. We'd played with them a couple of times before, but we were still in our "everything but" phase in the Lifestyle. Basically, we'd enjoyed everything but intercourse with this other couple. They were completely cool about it, as we'd explained that Mari had never had intercourse with anyone but me and at the time, she wasn't completely sure she wanted us to "go all the way" with anyone else. At any rate, for a few weeks before this night, Mari and I had discussed taking that final step, both on an intellectual level and incorporating it into our fantasies. A day or two before we were to meet them again, we'd decided that so long as nothing completely out of the ordinary happened, we were ready to try it - at least just once and with this particular couple. We IM with them pretty regularly, and the day before, we hinted that it might be a possibility, but we didn't commit to anything, just in case Mari decided when the time came that she didn't want to do it after all. We didn't want any hurt feelings.

So we were all playing and Mari gave me a signal that she was comfortable with it and wanted to try and she told him so. He was really excited and went to go get a condom. His wife and I were kissing and touching Mari all over as we waited. He came back, his cock rock hard, and kneeled down between her legs and {insert comical going down sound effect here}. Houston, we have a problem...we are No Go for launch. Poor guy, try as he might, he just couldn't get his soldier to stand up at attention and salute. At one point, he was actually slapping the hell out of his poor shlong! I think he just got over excited at the prospect of being her "second first" - sort of the swinger equivalent of having a virgin. lol Being the kind people that we are, we teased him about it, of course. Mari pretended to cry and was wailing about him not finding her attractive in her best melodramatic style. Everyone laughed it off and we all got dressed and said our goodnights. A couple of weekends later, we all got together again, and this time he had no problem at all staying hard and they boinked like bunnies in nearly every conceivable position, came several times each, and had a great time.

Get back on the horse, cowboy!

Cheers!
~Mike

[Mariposa_y_Oso]

Oh, by the way...

When I saw the subject heading of this thread, I thought, "Oh no! Someone farted while getting head!" So see? It COULD have been a lot worse! I think in the grand scheme of things, you were actually really lucky!


Just looking at the bright side of things...

Cheers!
~Mike

[sportync]

Mariposa.....funny you should mention that. Just this past week, a very good friend went out with us and got really drunk and confided in us that this redneck guy that she had been seeing actually did let one loose right when she was in the middle of giving him some head. As I mentioned before, she was pretty toasted when she told us, and she drunkenly exclaimed, "there's a country song here somewhere!!" And then she spent a good part of the rest of the night trying to convince me to write her a song about it....well, I did....it's a medium waltze tempo and goes something like this.
He looked at me and said, "baby, please!"
So dutifully I got on my knees
And just about time that I got started
That stupid asshole went and farted.

It smelled of collards, sulfur and eggs
and reeked of onions and coffee dregs
Now, givin' good head is something I've mastered
But never again to that redneck bastard.

Nothing turns me off so fast
As some dumb bastard passin' gas
So if you want my lips on you
Then don't dare fart until I'm through!!!

There are a couple of more verses, but I don't want to bore you nice folks, and you can pretty much get the gist of it. Sportync

[Mariposa_y_Oso]

That's a classic! Thanks for the laugh!


Cheers!
~Mike


P.S. Living here in the southwest, I forget sometimes that not everyone will know what our nickname means... Just so you know, "mariposa y oso" is Spanish for "Butterfly and Bear". (I'd be the bear half of mariposa y oso )

Of course, you could always call me Mike.

(I also answer to Numbnuts, Dimwit, Dumbass, and Hey You!)