how common is it for men to have erection problems?

[biblonde]

I know this is a very touchy subject but I really need to know.

Here it goes....We have been swinging for a year now and I have found that ALL four of the men have had a problem either getting or keeping an erection. The first time we play they usually cant get one at all ( I never exspect alot from the first time with anyone since we are all real nervous) It does get a little better after each time but not much, usually maybe 5 minutes at a time. My husband on the other hand gets real hard and stays that way for hours. They have all said sorry, with reasons as to why. Dont get me wrong I know how guys function and nerves play a huge part along with other factors. I have always had a great time playing but i am starting to get a little frusterated about this. Is this real common???? Is there something I can do to improve this? I am very understanding and find other things to do and really do enjoy the evening. I am just feeling a little cheated I guess. And yes me and my husband have talked alot about this and he gets a little frusterated about it too.

Anyone have any advice??? Have you men had this problem or have you women ran into this alot??? What have you dont (besides viagra) to help improve the situation. HELP

[txbbbiw]

My man had this problem for a while...I don't think it could apply to all four men, kind of a coincidence, but here's my experience:

My fiancee is in the process of losing a lot of weight...but when he was 100 lbs heavier he felt EXTREMELY self-conscious in front of the other couple, even though they didn't care about the weight and just wanted to play. If the other guy was in the room, or barely even glanced over to my fiancee and his wife, then my fiancee would lose his erection. Instantly. But if it was just the three of us, without the other man, he was perfectly fine. Now that he's lost the weight, we're hoping the problem will dissappear!

[hmr]

The only time I have an issue with this is when we are swinging. (anxiety issue? probably)So, whenever we play, I just take a viagra. Never have a problem anymore.

[Vjklander]

It could be any number of things, though the primary reasons would seem to be #1 alcohol, #2 religious guilt, #3 manophobia. Seems some guys just can't perform when another man is around. And some people have so much psychological baggage from religio they can't perform. If a man you are with can't perform, ask him to give you oral for an orgasm or two or three and hand him a dildo to service you with. Hel, using toys always gets me hard again.
J

[webbguy]

the first time i play with a couple i get so horny i worry about cumming too soon , and i usually do. most couples want me to be on the bottom with her on top, and him trying to fuck her ass, lol. i guess that's a lot of couples fantasies. but between her riding my cock and her tits in my mouth, i cum in a sec. lol anyone else had this problem?

[shoreguy]

I don't know Vjk... I have a #4, or at least I think I know my reason.

1) I've tried limiting myself to 2-3 drinks and get the same out of it. 2) I'm an atheist. 3) different room didn't help.

I'm great for blow jobs, but as soon as intercourse comes up, I lose it. At least the first time, 2nd time I've usually been able to keep it up for intercourse as well. Unfortunately, we haven't seen anyone more than that yet. I think it's a combination of not getting to know the woman enough, and some deep issue involving loving my wife and some inability to separate love and sex completely. I'm working on both.

[frenzb4sex]

Well, I had posted something similar to this right after New Year's Eve, where Lora had the similar situation, people that we knew where he couldn't maintain an erection and she was feeling, just as BiBlonde mentioned, cheated.

Vjk and Shoreguy mentioned some things, and these are all very true in different scenarios. You had stated that this happens every time now, but it's getting better. (I guess I am assuming that these are with the same people, correct?)

Have you ever discussed this one on one with the guy(s)? Perhaps just a simple discussion to help ease tensions may be just what the doctor ordered. Is there something particular that maybe he wants to do, or something that you can do, to help the situation sexually? One guy that Lora had played with had problems initially, but when he said he liked to kind of talk dirty but didn't feel comfortable doing it, Lora told him that was fine, and when he did, BOOM! Hard as a rock!

This is common in the lifestyle, I have been there, and I am sure that the vast majority of men have been there. When it happened to me on two consecutive times, it damaged my ego so much that I considered just dropping out altogether. But, viagra was a miracle. Now, I just take a small amount prior to and there's never a problem. I believe now that it's more or a symbol of confidence rather than the actual "need" for the drug.

Please do not beat yourself up over this, it is definitely not you. I would just consider going about things a little different and see what may come out of it--literally!!! LOL

Tim

[biblonde]

Thanks to those who responded!! But is there anything the woman can do to help you feel more at ease?? more relaxed?? I've always done other things with these men such as oral and kissing. They have all been in decent shape, very little or no alcohol, dont know about religion but dont think that is the problem.

so to you men......is there anything the woman could have done different to help with the situation??

thanks

[jcbicouple]

We're both bi and play with bi people so we are both very oral, but we also both enjoy intercourse. Watching, being watched and doing it. We've been in this situation too, but in the same way as biblonde. I (wife) find it very frustrating.
When a guy goes soft, it makes you second guess yourself as to why, and if he cums in just a few strokes it just leaves you feeling frustrated. That's not to say that I don't have fun: Defininetly do, but I guess I'm interested too on why this is such a problem?
Fortunately for me, hubby can and does get hard repeatedly and lasts for a long time so I always get enough sex, just not always exactly when I want it. I don't want to make him stop having intercourse just because the other male finished early, or couldn't perform. Usually I just continue to play with her and my hubby (benefit of our both being bi, voyeuristic and exhibitionists all in one package! LOL!).
Do have to say though that this is one of the main reasons I prefer group sex. Love watching people have sex, but also love having sex. With a group: I get both without caring whether or not the other guy can do it. Plus the additional benefit of being watched by several while having sex.

[Avantgarden38]

biblond,

Erection difficulties have been a problem for me sometimes when swinging. Disfunction never has been a problem when I am with my wife, so I am sure it isn't a medical condition.

I just get nervous about myself, or the situation. Very rarely is it ever the woman herself. Sometimes it is so bad even my wife can't induce an erection for me.

What works best for me is good comunication with my new partner. The more comfortable I am with her (and her other) the easier it is for me to perform. Compliment your new friend, tell him he looks nice, or smells nice, anything positive. Let him know what he is doing for you is fun and that it is okay to enjoy you. Sometimes men just need permission from you to have a good time.

After three poor performances in a row, on my part, with our favorite couple, she whispered to me "just have fun with me". God bless her. Those words did something for me and I haven't had an erection problem with her since.

Your new partner has buttons, you just have to find them.

[biblonde]

Thank you avantgarden...actually I have tried this, although it hasnt worked with the other men, our new playmates it is seeming to work. The more comfy we get with each other the better things are going. Me and his SO have let him know that we are both okay with this and that has seemed to help him alot. I will keep working at making him comfy and hopefully everything will "work" in the end.

thanks again s

[RMRx2]

After three poor performances in a row, on my part, with our favorite couple, she whispered to me "just have fun with me". God bless her. Those words did something for me and I haven't had an erection problem with her since.

amen.

men want to be badly to be studdly, desired, and known for being " good performers", who dosen't?, and there is alot of emphasis placed on that perfomance, size, how you use it, girth, length, looks, whatever,,,,,,,,,,,,,there is enough press, print, jokes, and social discussion on the subject that sometimes no amount of reassurance can overcome what a man comes to expect from himself, believe me, he has already made his own judgements about where he rates,,,,,,,,,and lets face it,,,,,,it's hard to fake wood,,,,,,,,,it's out there for all to see,,,,,or it's not

"just have fun with me" is a priceless statement,,,,,,,,,,you just have fun, and not be so goal oriented, ya just might achieve a whole new level of performance not previously known

it's good stuff to remember whenever there are discussions about performance, looks, or other very personal attributes casually tossed about,,,,,,,for either of the sexes,,,,,,the seed you sow now,,may be the perfomance complaint of your future

rmrx2

[DBL D]

BiBlonde: "...So to you men......is there anything the woman could have done different to help with the situation?? thanks."

Hi BiBlonde,

Great topic to be revisited. I would have written sooner but have had to shop for lots of underwear lately...

It sounds as though you "understand" or have tried to understand as much as you could. You are right. When this happens you have to go to Plan B, or C. I have suggested to some that foreplay be longer but you seem to have that covered too.

Fem D had this happen like 3 times in a row with different guys. They were all apologetic and one SO wanted to get together again so her hubby could show her how he was a man, or something to that effect. She actually cried thinking it was her fault. Damn, she is beautiful--that's not her problem. Then I thought of what a beauty she really is and thought that it had to be performance anxiety on the guys part. They did try some oral, etc. but she wanted to do the nasty and he didn't get it done. Then she blamed herself. I felt so bad and could only tell her that it wasn't her fault at all.

Just try to let the guy know that noone is expecting him to perform like it's his last time. Boy, that would really get you hard thinking that way, eh?

I'm sure you also have come to the conclusion that it is just a physiological response to something you can't control.

Good Luck Girl,

Male D

[stoutgatte]

Ok, I have recently found out (after experiencing this problem myself) that it helps enormously if we start off in a position where I get lots of stimulation... Stay away from woman on top positions and go for the guy's favourite position. That way you keep the excitement level high untill he settles down. It's worked for me twice in a row now in situations where I started losing my erection. I've gone from only barely hard enough to have intercourse to a raging horn in 10 seconds flat using this technique

In addition, giving positive feedback is great, but if the guy is nervous about his performance it won't do the trick alone... If he starts to lose it go down on him till he regains his erection and get him back in the saddle as soon as possible. If your partner is willing to watch for a while double up on him with the other girl untill he has a roaring erection, then go for a nicely stimulating position...

On another thread it was suggested that you swop back to your own partner, I wholly agree, this is the best way to calm nerves and help him regain some confidence.

I read somewhere that erections are based on a balance of emotions. The more positive emotions you experience the better your chance of getting one, and the more negative emotions, well, you go down south...

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with you if this happens, I would suggest trying again with a specific couple if it didn't work out the first time, but if he strikes out twice I'd certainly drop them. Mention to him to try a minimum dose of Viagra after the first time, it'll do his confidence a whole lotta good and soon he won't need it again...

[biblonde]

mrs.DBLD...I felt that way everytime and sometimes it runs through my mind that he might not be "turned on" by me. Although hubby totally disagrees that it is me..says Im sexy dont worry it is them. And I think it is mostly the men getting over anxious or to excited. I now spend alot of time with all three of the others involved and at least I know I will get some sex if the other man cant perform..hubby takes great care of me.

Mr.DBLD yup she looks hot! lol