performance anxiety?

[jnhinsd]

We have been swinging for almost 2 years now...but the problem is it has only been MFM 3 somes....we did have 1 full swap with a couple which brings me to the point of this post, i was unable to get an erection...dont get me wrong i was turned on and i enjoyed everything i saw but for the life of me i couldnt get it up.....

here is my issue with this.....to this day i have been unable to actually go through with any plans with other couples because of my FEAR.....i just cant seem to get myself to do it....I AM SCARED

any good advice?

[BradAndJanet]

Try again, but don't put yourself under the pressure to perform. If you tried a little same room sex, or soft swapping during the next encounter, it might go better for you. The idea is to plan on not having intercourse with anyone but your own spouse.

I'll bet that will do the trick and as you get accustomed to that, the rest will follow.

-B

[Tybee Swing]

I think that BradandJanet's advice was perfect.

I'd keep the focus off your fear, too. Don't tell other couples why you're a soft-swap couple other than just that you're new with couples and you want to start slow. That's all they need to know. Giving them TMI right away could make you feel more pressured with them.

[ShellyM]

Number one OP,
I COMMEND you for being honest and searching yourself to find out what is going on. Number two, do NOT feel bad at all. You are not the only man dealing with this issue. I absolutely agree with the 2nd post. You need to relax. The more you think about it the more you are going to stay nervous. I do know that some gentlemen go to their doctors and get assistance in forms such as Viagra and Cialis. I am not an R.N. or a Dr., all I can tell you about that is please do not buy it over the internet. You need to go through your Dr. because they are the ones that know your medical history and whether or not its a safe option for you. Jay asked his Dr. about V in December and was told no because he was having issues with his hypertension at that time. So please go through your Dr.
Now, you probably just need to relax........I KNOW, easy for me to say, right!!
I think one option that would do well for you is this: You get nervous at the thought of having sex with a new woman. You need to find a couple or a few couples that you see on a regular basis....this way you can relax around her and feel comfortable. And please remember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Feel free to tell a lady that you are feeling nervous. Have FUN. Remember to have FUN!! You will do great. Sorry so long, Shelly

[MrsPandMe]

Mr. P here.

Advice here has been spot on. The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this. I would submit that a majority of men who are in this lifestyle have run into a situation where not all parts were cooperating with the master plan of the evening. Hell, happened to me last night!

A few things will help you though this. Keep at it! Once your mind sorts it all out and can settle down, your dick will follow. It's a lot like trying to talk a cat out of a tree... It takes time and patience!

Don't let past performance define future expectations. If you get hard enough to cut diamonds with the wifey, then you know that from a physiological standpoint you're good to go. Just relax and go with the flow. If your man shows up to party, great! If not, fall back on that mindblowing oral you've been learning! If you can relax and concentrate on getting her off, sometimes it's just the distraction you need to get your mind off the problem! If not, again. So be it!

If you're with a couple you feel uncomfortable with or in a situation you're uncomfortable with don't expect miracles, correct the problem. If you're distracted by your wife and the other guy having all the fun, propose a switch! She knows your buttons better then the other F, especially since you just met her an hour ago! If you're with a couple that can't respect that, you're with the wrong couple.

This one is nearly impossible, I know, but it bears mentioning. Don't get too concerned about what she's thinking about your problem. You're the man, not your dick! If she's playing with you and it ain't happening, time to turn the tables and get her squirming!

Beyond all of that, just relax and do what feels right and comfortable. The rest will follow suit when it's good and ready to!

Mr P

[Tybee Swing]

Wow Mr. P, that's one of the best posts on this topic I've ever read on this board. It's so common for so many men in the lifestyle...I'm sure your post will help a lot of guys.

Question for you...

Originally Posted by MrsPandMe

The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this.

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

[jnhinsd]

The whole situation was bad for me.....because it was our 1st time for alot of things.....it did start out with just us together before we switched...but i couldnt even get it hard with my wife....both of themeven tag teamed me while giving me head and nothing.....they also played with each other too.....it was bad.....i ended up just going down on the girl and she did say she enjoyed that.....i just felt so alone at that point that on the way home all i did was stare out the window....and ever since i havent been able to get over the fear of a (sequel) that i have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us....depressing

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by jnhinsd

...and ever since i havent been able to get over the fear of a (sequel) that i have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us....depressing

Does your wife know this is why you're flaking out? Does she know how upset you are about this? What does she say?

What do you think of the idea of going strictly soft-swing...would that take the pressure off of you enough to get your confidence back?

[WonderWhat]

You might want to take a look at an old thread: Help! Problems "rising" to the occasion...

In a nutshell: don't worry, it happens. Just have a good time and use your imagination. When it happens to me, I'm up-front about it, and just go on giving pleasure and receiving it with a smile. If Viagra, Levitra o Cialis works for you, that can also help.

[jnhinsd]

She does know about it.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by jnhinsd

ever since i havent been able to get over the fear of a (sequel) that i have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us

I'm sorry that you have gone through this! I don't know what to tell you that will help you relax. Number one, women who have been in the lifestyle for awhile should not freak out or become angry or upset if this happens if you are honest from the beginning and satisfy her in other ways. But it sounds like this is a mental issue....like your manhood and confidence have been hit. One thing that I would suggest would be to try soft. Have sex with your wife around another couple. Also, I still say that getting to know a couple well would do you wonders. Go to dinner with them, maybe just go to a bar once or twice (of course, if this is a couple that is cool with that) just to get to know each other. I think if you could get to know her to the point of relaxing you would do great. And there are TONS of men that are like this, you are NOT alone! Lots of men do not perform on the first play date. Shelly

[lovinher]

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by lovinher

All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

I think what Tybee's trying to say is simply that the more you try not thinking about something, the more you end up thinking about it.

-B

[ShellyM]

No, what Tybee is asking is this: As women who have been with men with this issue, its easier to be kind if we understand what a man is experiencing. If I can understand what you are feeling its easier for me not to become frustrated. So what we want to know is what exactly is a man feeling or thinking when you say he is having sensory overload? I mean, is he thinking about himself physically, her, the other husband, his wife? I know personally I am just curious as to what exactly he is thinking. I'm analytical in nature and so it helps me to know what exactly is going on.
Shelly