Why Put Down Men with ED?

Semod · 08-09-2007, 02:08 PM

Why is it that men with ED are looked down upon as lesser men? It seems to me that it is either a mental or physical problem that cannot be helped and certainly not something a man chooses to have. Yet I see swinger ads with comments like "Only looking for men that can get it up and keep it up". I guess if you're into the lifestyle just to fuck, then I can understand. But reading many post here, even if you're just looking for a fuck, most people here are still looking for some type of connection and a total experience. So if the connection is there before play time, wouldn't a woman be understanding and still enjoy whatever the man has to offer as long as it's enjoyable? You'd never see an ad that would say "Only looking for women that don't need lube and can cum through intercourse".

OK, confession time here. I've had the problem. Usually it's when I'm feeling pressure to perform or there's something there that's not doing it for me. Like a poor kisser or a woman that's more into her and just wants me as her dildo. But if you're with me and we're having a good time, I don't care if you need to pull out your bottle of lube and apply it to yourself or me (actually, that's pretty much a turn on) or if you need something battery opperated to bring you to completion. As long as we're all having a good time.

Am I lesser of a man?

havefuninsun · 08-09-2007, 02:22 PM

I think a lot of women have the viewpoint that if they are with a man who "can't get it up," it's a reflection on them. I've been with one person who had issues (and he was even a youngin') and it was nerves. Once the anxiety wore off, all was fine. I felt bad for him because it was clear to me he was feeling pressure to perform.

When these things happen with our own partners, we're close enough to talk about it, and play around it. But if you're with a couple for the first time and it happens, it does make you wonder if you're doing it for the guy.

To answer your question ... No, you are absolutely not less than a man. And what one hell of a subject to have to bring up on a first date. Ugh.

lovinher · 08-09-2007, 02:43 PM

Are women less of a woman after menopause or for other medical reasons because they may need an electric appliance to help them to archive an orgasm? ? Of course not! They may need extra stimulation get their juices flowing. It sometimes takes extra effort to get them to orgasm. Women just have more options available to them. It doesn't make them any less desirable to me because of it.
One comment from a woman to me because I may need "help" (for medical reasons) and I'm out the door. Who needs that kind of attitude and a blow to your ego. I certainly don't need or want a piece of ass that much. Any woman with that sort of attitude is not someone I'd want to play with anyway and she would find out real quick.

iapr · 08-09-2007, 02:51 PM

If you are interested in full swap situations and a woman has some kind of gynecological issue to where you could have no meaningfull contact with her parts whatsoever would you think of her as a lesser woman? Probably not but would you pick her over all the rest to swing with, or given a variety of options would you pick someone that is fully operational?

I do not mean to be insensitive to your situation as all men are vulnerable to that happening but if you are interested in sex it makes sense that you would prefer someone that is actually capable of having sex. While I do agree that having the statements you mention in one's profile is a bit crass I do believe that people put statements like that in their profiles after having bad experiences.

There are men in the lifestyle that can not function at all in play situations and instead of moving on to something else to keep the ladies happy they just sit there and moan and bitch and feel sorry for themselves and make it uncomfortable for everyone. In those circumstances it does not matter if there is a connection or not and it becomes uncomfortable for everyone. Once you have had that happen a couple times you do become a bit leery of it. People that put that in their profiles are not necessarily meaning it to be insulting or to be implying that men with ED are lesser men they are just making a statement that they prefer men that are able to get it up and keep it up.

Everyone has preferences, some people want only HWP some want only BBW. Some want big cocks and some want small cocks, some want big boobs and some want small boobs. And some will want people that are able to get and maintain an erection.

Spoomonkey · 08-09-2007, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iapr

I do not mean to be insensitive to your situation as all men are vulnerable to that happening but if you are interested in sex it makes sense that you would prefer someone that is actually capable of having sex.

I agree.

Every guy struggles once in a while. It is just the nature of the beast. I've been overwhelmed by a situation, intimidated by a woman or just plain worn out. But, typically, I am functional.

Because of this, Mrs Spoo is looking for playmates who can perform as well. She also has had experiences where guys struggle. Most of the time, it is just nerves, alcohol or something else. She knows it happens, but if there were some reason why a guy couldn't get past that, we'd move on.

While we look for friends and the full experience of getting to know people, one of the draws of swinging is sex. We enjoy that aspect and make no apologies for it. We've made friends in the lifestyle that haven't become playmates - and we've had playmates who never became friends. So we wouldn't limit friendship to whether or not we are sexual with a person - but we aren't going to play with a person who can't perform; we aren't going to play half way.

There is help for ED. And it has been discussed here quite a bit. From our perspective, we'd say if you want to swing, and you have ED, see your doc and join the fun.

Spoomonkey

lovinher · 08-09-2007, 07:19 PM

Ok, let me clarify. If a guy has a problem keeping it, even occasionally, and does not try to do something about it either medically or mentally then he should expect to have problems with women wanting to play with him. After all this IS about the act of sex. I think I misunderstood the OP.

The thing is, from what I have read here a few times, many women do have predudices against men who do need help (Viagra, Cialis) keeping it up for whatever reason. As long as it works when needed, what's the difference?
I do need help occasionally because of meds I have to take on occasion but it still works everytime.

It has no reflection about the woman I may be with though and they shouldn't take it that way.

Tybee Swing · 08-09-2007, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iapr

There are men in the lifestyle that can not function at all in play situations and instead of moving on to something else to keep the ladies happy they just sit there and moan and bitch and feel sorry for themselves and make it uncomfortable for everyone.
...
People that put that in their profiles are not necessarily meaning it to be insulting or to be implying that men with ED are lesser men they are just making a statement that they prefer men that are able to get it up and keep it up.

Dito Everyone understands that there will be the occasional malfunction for any number of reasons, including just being tired, the late hour, a few drinks. It happens - no worries. But, there are some men in the lifestyle that have serious issues with ED - some are in denial of their problem, some lay the blame on their would-be partners, etc (unrealistic, and persisting in the lifestyle). Unsuspecting new partners have this laid on them at inopportune moments. If the unsuspecting couple had it to do over and knew how it would go before they got into the situation, they'd opt out...and that's why they decide to put a statement in their profiles to avoid those with the serious ED issues.

It's not about being lesser of a man. It's not a personal judgement on you. It's just that when two couples head into a room together, they are there for the sex.

ShellyM · 08-09-2007, 09:05 PM

OP, I have alot of experience with men and ED. And yes, I absolutely agree with you. This is a legitamate medical condition and is NOT the man's fault in any way at all. But I'll be honest. Usually women get impatient or frustrated when it happens time after time. And I'm not just talking about myself, I have talked to lots of ladies and know this is true. I won't go into it other than to say that yes, it does become quite frustrating after awhile. But no, its NOT the man's fault at all. We do let them know though that if a man is unable to get hard we will switch partners after awhile. With me dick is a huge part of the sexual experience, and so if a man is unable to get or maintain an erection I'm going to switch after a while so that I can get what I need. Now, I'm NOT saying he is less of a man...thats like saying that a diabetic is less of a person. No, they just have a condition. But I do think that if a man has this condition he should tell the lady from JUMP. If I know about it its all good....finding out about it when I'm nekkid is different to me, I may be wrong though. But no, definately a man with ED is never seen as less of a man in my eyes.
Shelly

tribbles · 08-09-2007, 10:11 PM

If the guy is upfront about it or at least then focuses on ME and not his ED issues....we can still have fun.

It's when all the attention has to go to the ED that the fun is over.

Tell me ahead of time or if it happens, lets ignore it and play. I still work. I got lube and toys. Use them on me with me.

lovinher · 08-09-2007, 10:43 PM

Semond, instead of expecting a woman to deal with your condition and just accept it, why not get help for it? Otherwise it is being selfish on your part. I'm not criticizing you but you need to look at it from a woman's point of view.

StacyCat · 08-09-2007, 10:56 PM

if I swing, its because I want to get fucked. So, a guy that has issues getting it up, I will probably have issues with it.

But, a good point was made above. If I am with a guy who goes soft, and then he gets all worked up about it and stops doing anything, thats a big downer. If I am with a guy who starts going soft, he pulls out and goes down on me until I cum? Thats much easier to work with and accept.

For long term partners, I can deal with ED. For a quick fuck? Probably not.

EternallySingle · 08-09-2007, 11:43 PM

Recreational sex is about recreation. If you have ED, you can't expect someone with no emotional investment in you to care why. All she knows is that she wants to go and you are still in park. Its harsh, but its true. You can't expect someone you are probably not going to have contact with three or four years from now to take the time to help a man with ED get through his condition. Its the same with any sexual dysfunction. If everyone knows ahead of time, considerations can be made. If you try to fool someone (or fool yourself) about an ED problem, you are lying to them, and that in itself can be a dark mark against you.

Talk, talk, talk, and talk. Thats what it all comes down to. Be honest with what you want, what you have, and what you will not put up with and everything will be a little bit easier. Not much, but a little.

Spoomonkey · 08-10-2007, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinher

As long as it works when needed, what's the difference?

None.

But - and I am probably just stating the obvious - is there any reason why a woman would have to know you are taking it? It isn't like slipping on a condom, right? You can take it discretely when you are convinced that play is going to happen, in which case, your play partner would never know - and would never even have to wonder why you are taking it.

Spoomonkey

lovinher · 08-10-2007, 09:26 AM

Exactly!, I wouldn't go around around wearing a Viagra T-shirt and if I knew I'd be playing...fuck the meds.

yourbitterpill · 08-10-2007, 11:12 AM

I think it mostly revolves around how BOTH partners handle the situation, whether it be ED or simply "going soft". If they're both willing to try something different and not make a big deal out of it, then everything will be fine. But once either person makes something of it or focuses too much on it, that's a problem. This is also applicable to women as well (not getting wet, not being able to have an orgasm, etc.).

And please, ladies and gentleman, if something like this happens to your partner, it is not necessarily a reflection on how good or bad you are in bed. Don't take it personally, it happens to all of us at one time or another.

Mrs. Pill and I both wholeheartedly disagree with the seemingly widespread advice that a man should just take some drugs to get hard. ED almost always involves something else (anxiety, depression, bad self-esteem) or possibly something more life-threatening (high blood pressure, cancer, etc.) and the overperscription and overuse of perscription drugs in this country is out of hand and we certainly don't want to contribute to it. If you think you have ED, go to your doctor and get a good physical, ruling out anything else before accepting an ED script.

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08-09-2007, 02:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
Semod Here to Stay Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 32 Location: Missouri Status: Couple	Why Put Down Men with ED? Why is it that men with ED are looked down upon as lesser men? It seems to me that it is either a mental or physical problem that cannot be helped and certainly not something a man chooses to have. Yet I see swinger ads with comments like "Only looking for men that can get it up and keep it up". I guess if you're into the lifestyle just to fuck, then I can understand. But reading many post here, even if you're just looking for a fuck, most people here are still looking for some type of connection and a total experience. So if the connection is there before play time, wouldn't a woman be understanding and still enjoy whatever the man has to offer as long as it's enjoyable? You'd never see an ad that would say "Only looking for women that don't need lube and can cum through intercourse". OK, confession time here. I've had the problem. Usually it's when I'm feeling pressure to perform or there's something there that's not doing it for me. Like a poor kisser or a woman that's more into her and just wants me as her dildo. But if you're with me and we're having a good time, I don't care if you need to pull out your bottle of lube and apply it to yourself or me (actually, that's pretty much a turn on) or if you need something battery opperated to bring you to completion. As long as we're all having a good time. Am I lesser of a man?

08-09-2007, 02:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
havefuninsun insert witty banter here Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,190 Location: Virginia Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:havefuninsun	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? I think a lot of women have the viewpoint that if they are with a man who "can't get it up," it's a reflection on them. I've been with one person who had issues (and he was even a youngin') and it was nerves. Once the anxiety wore off, all was fine. I felt bad for him because it was clear to me he was feeling pressure to perform. When these things happen with our own partners, we're close enough to talk about it, and play around it. But if you're with a couple for the first time and it happens, it does make you wonder if you're doing it for the guy. To answer your question ... No, you are absolutely not less than a man. And what one hell of a subject to have to bring up on a first date. Ugh.

08-09-2007, 02:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
lovinher Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 788 Location: cleveland area Status: married to lovinhim Swing Lifestyle Name:Lovinall	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? Are women less of a woman after menopause or for other medical reasons because they may need an electric appliance to help them to archive an orgasm? ? Of course not! They may need extra stimulation get their juices flowing. It sometimes takes extra effort to get them to orgasm. Women just have more options available to them. It doesn't make them any less desirable to me because of it. One comment from a woman to me because I may need "help" (for medical reasons) and I'm out the door. Who needs that kind of attitude and a blow to your ego. I certainly don't need or want a piece of ass that much. Any woman with that sort of attitude is not someone I'd want to play with anyway and she would find out real quick. __________________ I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ) Last edited by lovinher : 08-09-2007 at 08:19 PM.

08-09-2007, 02:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
iapr Has Left the Building Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 832 Location: State of bliss Status: couple	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? If you are interested in full swap situations and a woman has some kind of gynecological issue to where you could have no meaningfull contact with her parts whatsoever would you think of her as a lesser woman? Probably not but would you pick her over all the rest to swing with, or given a variety of options would you pick someone that is fully operational? I do not mean to be insensitive to your situation as all men are vulnerable to that happening but if you are interested in sex it makes sense that you would prefer someone that is actually capable of having sex. While I do agree that having the statements you mention in one's profile is a bit crass I do believe that people put statements like that in their profiles after having bad experiences. There are men in the lifestyle that can not function at all in play situations and instead of moving on to something else to keep the ladies happy they just sit there and moan and bitch and feel sorry for themselves and make it uncomfortable for everyone. In those circumstances it does not matter if there is a connection or not and it becomes uncomfortable for everyone. Once you have had that happen a couple times you do become a bit leery of it. People that put that in their profiles are not necessarily meaning it to be insulting or to be implying that men with ED are lesser men they are just making a statement that they prefer men that are able to get it up and keep it up. Everyone has preferences, some people want only HWP some want only BBW. Some want big cocks and some want small cocks, some want big boobs and some want small boobs. And some will want people that are able to get and maintain an erection.

08-09-2007, 07:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
lovinher Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 788 Location: cleveland area Status: married to lovinhim Swing Lifestyle Name:Lovinall	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? Ok, let me clarify. If a guy has a problem keeping it, even occasionally, and does not try to do something about it either medically or mentally then he should expect to have problems with women wanting to play with him. After all this IS about the act of sex. I think I misunderstood the OP. The thing is, from what I have read here a few times, many women do have predudices against men who do need help (Viagra, Cialis) keeping it up for whatever reason. As long as it works when needed, what's the difference? I do need help occasionally because of meds I have to take on occasion but it still works everytime. It has no reflection about the woman I may be with though and they shouldn't take it that way. __________________ I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ) Last edited by lovinher : 08-09-2007 at 10:35 PM.

08-09-2007, 09:05 PM	#8 (permalink)
ShellyM Jay's Bumper Buddy Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,299 Location: San Marcos, TEXAS Status: On the prowl for man meat Swing Lifestyle Name:lost_j1	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? OP, I have alot of experience with men and ED. And yes, I absolutely agree with you. This is a legitamate medical condition and is NOT the man's fault in any way at all. But I'll be honest. Usually women get impatient or frustrated when it happens time after time. And I'm not just talking about myself, I have talked to lots of ladies and know this is true. I won't go into it other than to say that yes, it does become quite frustrating after awhile. But no, its NOT the man's fault at all. We do let them know though that if a man is unable to get hard we will switch partners after awhile. With me dick is a huge part of the sexual experience, and so if a man is unable to get or maintain an erection I'm going to switch after a while so that I can get what I need. Now, I'm NOT saying he is less of a man...thats like saying that a diabetic is less of a person. No, they just have a condition. But I do think that if a man has this condition he should tell the lady from JUMP. If I know about it its all good....finding out about it when I'm nekkid is different to me, I may be wrong though. But no, definately a man with ED is never seen as less of a man in my eyes. Shelly __________________ Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho Shelly

08-09-2007, 10:11 PM	#9 (permalink)
tribbles Fun and Pleasure Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 889 Location: SouthWest Status: Couple	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? If the guy is upfront about it or at least then focuses on ME and not his ED issues....we can still have fun. It's when all the attention has to go to the ED that the fun is over. Tell me ahead of time or if it happens, lets ignore it and play. I still work. I got lube and toys. Use them on me with me.

08-09-2007, 10:43 PM	#10 (permalink)
lovinher Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 788 Location: cleveland area Status: married to lovinhim Swing Lifestyle Name:Lovinall	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? Semond, instead of expecting a woman to deal with your condition and just accept it, why not get help for it? Otherwise it is being selfish on your part. I'm not criticizing you but you need to look at it from a woman's point of view. __________________ I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

08-09-2007, 10:56 PM	#11 (permalink)
StacyCat Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 114 Location: Texas Status: Single Bi Female	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? if I swing, its because I want to get fucked. So, a guy that has issues getting it up, I will probably have issues with it. But, a good point was made above. If I am with a guy who goes soft, and then he gets all worked up about it and stops doing anything, thats a big downer. If I am with a guy who starts going soft, he pulls out and goes down on me until I cum? Thats much easier to work with and accept. For long term partners, I can deal with ED. For a quick fuck? Probably not.

08-09-2007, 11:43 PM	#12 (permalink)
EternallySingle Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 1,035 Location: Michigan Status: Single Male Swing Lifestyle Name:ABSingleMan	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? Recreational sex is about recreation. If you have ED, you can't expect someone with no emotional investment in you to care why. All she knows is that she wants to go and you are still in park. Its harsh, but its true. You can't expect someone you are probably not going to have contact with three or four years from now to take the time to help a man with ED get through his condition. Its the same with any sexual dysfunction. If everyone knows ahead of time, considerations can be made. If you try to fool someone (or fool yourself) about an ED problem, you are lying to them, and that in itself can be a dark mark against you. Talk, talk, talk, and talk. Thats what it all comes down to. Be honest with what you want, what you have, and what you will not put up with and everything will be a little bit easier. Not much, but a little. __________________ "Style is not lusting after somone because they are cool. Style is loving yourself till everyone else does too." Prince

08-10-2007, 09:26 AM	#14 (permalink)
lovinher Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 788 Location: cleveland area Status: married to lovinhim Swing Lifestyle Name:Lovinall	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? Exactly!, I wouldn't go around around wearing a Viagra T-shirt and if I knew I'd be playing...fuck the meds. __________________ I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

08-10-2007, 11:12 AM	#15 (permalink)
yourbitterpill Here to Stay Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 41 Location: Chicago, IL Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:yourbitterpill2004	Re: Why Put Down Men with ED? I think it mostly revolves around how BOTH partners handle the situation, whether it be ED or simply "going soft". If they're both willing to try something different and not make a big deal out of it, then everything will be fine. But once either person makes something of it or focuses too much on it, that's a problem. This is also applicable to women as well (not getting wet, not being able to have an orgasm, etc.). And please, ladies and gentleman, if something like this happens to your partner, it is not necessarily a reflection on how good or bad you are in bed. Don't take it personally, it happens to all of us at one time or another. Mrs. Pill and I both wholeheartedly disagree with the seemingly widespread advice that a man should just take some drugs to get hard. ED almost always involves something else (anxiety, depression, bad self-esteem) or possibly something more life-threatening (high blood pressure, cancer, etc.) and the overperscription and overuse of perscription drugs in this country is out of hand and we certainly don't want to contribute to it. If you think you have ED, go to your doctor and get a good physical, ruling out anything else before accepting an ED script.

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