Swapping and performance issues

[realharddriver]

I’d appreciate any comments regarding my problem; My wife and I have been involved in the swing lifestyle for about 4 months. We’ve met many couples but have only played with 5. I’ve been married for 23 years to my wife and she really turns me on, knows how to turn me on (I require a great deal of stimulation and she is fucking wild…) so here is the general situation. Typically we split off with each others significant other however, I can’t get hard. If I go over to my wife and stick my dick in her mouth (which is basically a threesome) I get a hard erection but as soon as I return to the other woman it goes away. Could it be I’m so habitualized to wife that I just can’t perform with these other women? I’ve never had an affair so there is no experience there. Before this we spent about 5 years in the BDSM lifestyle where sharing ones wife is typically not done and I had no problems then but there was not a great deal of fucking going on either; I was so comfortable in that atmosphere (knowing everyone very well) that getting a hard on and maintaining it was not a problem. Until I can figure something else out I’m not going to put myself in this situation – it’s hard on me and not very pleasant to the other woman involved. Another typical example – last night before our company arrived I had a raging hard on and fucked my wife – my dick stayed hard but as soon as our company arrived it went soft. And never regained it’s abilities until they left at which point I fucked my wife for a solid hour – which is routine for me. Have you heard of other guys with this problem?
Regards,
Earl

[realharddriver]

I found this post on another thread - thought it was so appropriate for me

"Lets be honest , most men try to do what is right for the ladies in the bed room and we respect them for this and is why we enjoy them so. maybe we need to return this for them, Men Like to be Animals.... We just need to find out how far each of them like to go. with out making them feel badly about themselves."

After 23 years of marrage this is what my wife does for me and for the other women I've been with it has not been like above - I am an Animal in bed with my wife and can be with one other guy or woman present - I just can't seem to do it with another woman alone - same room or otherwise. By the way, we're both 44 years old, we're in fantastic good shape for our age, both work out - I'm a power lifter, have been for years - I've had some fantastic looking women but it's almost like trading down compared to my wife. The above quote emplies time - time to get to know one another and maybe that's my problem - women don't seem to require that time but maybe I do.
Regards

[bimrdcpl]

I am having almost the same problem with my hubby....We have been trying to talk things out and things are evolving at a slow pace. That seems to be working for us. We had to slow down just a bit. He has to get to know the women a little more and another instance is he is feels so bad if he cant get hard that it just makes it worse.

time to get to know one another and maybe that's my problem - women don't seem to require that time but maybe I do.

In my opinion it sounds like you need to slow down just a little and take your time to get to know these women and stop worrying about performing and things will work out in time.

Hope I helped you even just a little.

[highlander]

Have you considered simply trying some mmf threesomes?

Also, in party situation, there wouldn't necessarily be an expectation for you to participate with anyone other than your wife? Is your wife bi? At the very least you could play with exhibitionism similar to what you did in the BDSM lifestyle.

If you wife turns you on and the other women really don't, I'd just wait till you find a woman that really does turn you on. It well could be you just need more foreplay both emotional and physical.

I wouldn't see it as a performance problem-you have something you like-and if some lady wants a piece of that action, she'll have to follow your wife's lead.

Originally posted by realharddriver
I’d appreciate any comments regarding my problem; My wife and I have been involved in the swing lifestyle for about 4 months. We’ve met many couples but have only played with 5. I’ve been married for 23 years to my wife and she really turns me on, knows how to turn me on (I require a great deal of stimulation and she is fucking wild…) so here is the general situation. Typically we split off with each others significant other however, I can’t get hard. If I go over to my wife and stick my dick in her mouth (which is basically a threesome) I get a hard erection but as soon as I return to the other woman it goes away. Could it be I’m so habitualized to wife that I just can’t perform with these other women? I’ve never had an affair so there is no experience there. Before this we spent about 5 years in the BDSM lifestyle where sharing ones wife is typically not done and I had no problems then but there was not a great deal of fucking going on either; I was so comfortable in that atmosphere (knowing everyone very well) that getting a hard on and maintaining it was not a problem. Until I can figure something else out I’m not going to put myself in this situation – it’s hard on me and not very pleasant to the other woman involved. Another typical example – last night before our company arrived I had a raging hard on and fucked my wife – my dick stayed hard but as soon as our company arrived it went soft. And never regained it’s abilities until they left at which point I fucked my wife for a solid hour – which is routine for me. Have you heard of other guys with this problem?
Regards,
Earl

[JustAskJulie]

I can think of two suggestions here.

1. You mention that you split off into twosomes, why not try staying together as a 4some. Get a king size bed or make a palat(sp?) on the floor to have enough room for everyone. That way you are still in contact with your wife and with the other woman at the same time. The other guy can have the same pleasure... so it's almost like everyone is getting a 3some (or moresome).

2. Viagra. Many swinging males encounter problems staying hard when they are playing with people other than their usual partner. They are used to their partner and don't have to worry about whether they are doing the right thing or this or that.. and can just concentrate on having fun. Often all those worries can outway the fun and cause the "shy member" problem. It's pretty simple to get a prescription for Viagra and it will help a lot in swinging situations, especially when you are with new couples.

3. (I know I said I only had two). Try getting to know your partners better. The more comfortable you are with them out of the bedroom the more comfortable you will be with them in the bedroom.

[JnCinOH]

Sure wish I had an answer for you. If I did, I would use it myself.

I do want to make one comment, however. One or more of the replies suggests that the source of the problem is lack of physical attraction to the woman. A woman ALWAYS seems to feel it must be because she is not attractive enough, which makes male performance failure doubly devastating. It harms the ego of the man and the woman.

At least for me, physical attraction does not seem to affect performance. Most women are physically a step down from my spouse, but that does not mean that many or most are still very desireable. Flops, however, do not seem to be correlated with the physical attractiveness of the woman involved.

I have found the most important factor is the attitude of the woman. If she is into pleasing as much as she is into being pleased, things usually work out fine. It is more important for me that the woman is obviously attracted to me, rather than the other way around.

As for the use of Viagra, it is useful, but not foolproof. There is still a mental component to the drug. We are talking here about mental sexual problems, not physical problems. I wonder if anyone knows of mental exercizes, such as self-hypnosis, which may be useful in getting over these anxiety hangups?

[lovers]

"As for the use of Viagra, it is useful, but not foolproof. There is still a mental component to the drug. We are talking here about mental sexual problems, not physical problems."

Viagra (from personal experience) will help you get hard and maintian a hard on in situations that would normally make you hard anyway (such as being with someone who you are comfortable with). It *MAY* help you get hard in the situation that you describe, but I thnk you'd be better off trying to get comfortable enough to get hard the old fashioned way.

Just my $0.02 worth.

[realharddriver]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. My wife and I are discussing the options involved in threesomes MMF or FMF - this way there is no "breaking off" into little subgroups which I don't understand anyway. I believe there are two reasons we got involved in this type of affair: one due to the people we've met so far - it's their way of operating - and I know for a fact that it's over for us, and the other is the fact we've only been into this for about 4 months. I can say this for sure - I won't put myself in this position again - it's bad for me and the woman and I hate that.

Yes, attraction is very important to me (and maybe we'll learn to be much more sellective from this experiance) but so is the attitude - if that's not there than nothing is going to work out and when I say attitude - I'm talking nasty, that's what I'm used too and that's what turnes me on. We know there is someone out there that will trip my triggers - we havn't run into one yet.

I'm 44 years old so you bet I've tried viagra - but, I rarely use it with my wife - don't really need it. I have however had it on board during my 4 encounters and it was of little use - yes the mental part of viagra has to be there - figured that out long ago so I didn't expect it to help.

Thanks again everyone for your time and attention.
Regards,

[OhioCouple]

While I agree with almost everything that everyone has said here, the suggestion made by some to try Viagra to correct what IMO is a mental problem and not physical, really bothers me.

Granted there are some who require Viagra in order to have sex with their spouses. In my opinion if you don't have a problem maintaining an erection with your spouse, you don't need to be taking it in order to have sex with someone else. I don't think the benefit over rides the risks. I am not questioning anyone who does, I have personal reasons for this and am just expressing them.

Both my husband, myself and some others that we have met have had sexual performance issues. I don't think it is limited to just men. I think though as the comfort level of watching each other with another person and getting to know them better, that allieviated the poor performance issues. My husband at one point became discouraged and wanted to try Viagra. We talked about it and since he never had a problem with me, the idea was nixed.

We haven't run across anyone who was unsympathetic to these sort of problems, though I am sure they are out there. I mostly think we are too critical of our ownselves making the problem much worse than it really is.

Lori

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
While I agree with almost everything that everyone has said here, the suggestion made by some to try Viagra to correct what IMO is a mental problem and not physical, really bothers me.

This comment is not based on this thread alone. It is based on many suggestions that I have read here on this board regarding how to improve performance.

Lori

[BradAndJanet]

Lori, what you have said here has really made me think. I use Viagra because about 2 years ago I started having some problems maintaining erections (maybe due to my blood-pressure medication it turns out, but that's another post.) It was very troubling for me, as you might imagine, and Viagra enabled me to have sex with J. I can't tell you how depressing it was, at the age of 42, to think I might not be able to have sex again, and what a relief it was to find out that with Viagra I still could. Viagra has literally saved my sex life.

As a result, I have touted its use to people here, but as you say, not always for physical problems. Your post has made me consider the 'morality', if you will, of recommending that someone use it recreationally. I don't believe in judging them if that is what they decide to do; that is their choice as informed adults. But, for me to say, "Go ahead, do it!", crosses the line. Who am I to do that? In the future I'll continue to say how it helped me with my problem, but I won't cross that line again.

Thank you for challenging us to think; that is how we learn more about ourselves.

-B

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet
I use Viagra because about 2 years ago I started having some problems maintaining erections (maybe due to my blood-pressure medication it turns out, but that's another post.) It was very troubling for me, as you might imagine, and Viagra enabled me to have sex with J. I can't tell you how depressing it was, at the age of 42, to think I might not be able to have sex again, and what a relief it was to find out that with Viagra I still could. Viagra has literally saved my sex life.

In this situation and under a doctor's guidance and consideration of all the medications you were taking, this is perfectly warranted, in my opinion. I can understand the frustration and depression associated with losing the ability to make love to the person you love the most. If a dose of Viagra can allieviate that, then I am all for it.

In our case, that wasn't the problem. We didn't have trouble with each other, ours were just with other people in a swinging type situation.

As an example and based on personal experience. We have some play friends we don't get to see often due to distance. The first two times together were what the other male considered a disaster. Even WITH taking Viagra. The third time, he actually forgot to bring the Viagra with him, but a comfort level had been reached between all of us and his performance shocked himself. We have only met with them one time since, but he did not need Viagra in order to have a good time that night either.

For some it is a physical thing, for many though it is a mental thing, based on my limited experiences and knowledge. Again, it is just my opinon.

Lori