Good for him, bad for her.. good for her...bad for him

[us2]

We are a newly wed couple, (1.5 years) and new to the lifestyle as well. Actually, I would say that we are still playing with the idea of the lifestyle. We are deeply in love. I trust this man completely. In the past, I have been hurt both physically but most damaging was the emothional aspects. Sex for me up until a few years ago was at best a solo effort and and worst just going through the motions but never what I would call satisfying. I have now discovered the sexual side of me. One I adore exploring very much. I feel as if I have just begun to live. I expand my comfort zone with each new experience. I pinch myself at times and often comment "can you beleiv e I did that?" This was acheived by trust. Trusting my partner is the key to my sexual satisfaction.
My husband would like to watch me give oral sex to another male. I on the other hand have never fantisized about watching my husband haveing sex of any kind with another woman I understand and fully accept the difference between sex and love and do not think that our relationship could be harmed by that, but at the same time, we, all of us I beleive come prepackaged with a "mine" instinct . I realize that that is a form of insecurtity but until I see this, I really don't know how I will feel. I only have past experice to draw from which were negitve. We've discussed the whole swinging issues and have agreed on what our groundrules are if it becomes a reality. Basically they are we choose togerther, we should know know the person, we don't see them again. We know that those will evolve over time, but those are the rules to start with. We have had a female with us one time. I agreed to this purely because I wanted to make him happy, and I truley thought he wanted to watch 2 women. What man doesn't, right?SHe was more interested in me, but, I'm not bi. She was too aggressive from the moment we walked in the door. It became awkward when I realized that I wasn't going to do anything for her, and I didn't want my husband to either. I really thought he would be happy to watch. As it ended up, he gave her oral, she came, I pretty much don't rememnber any details.Wasn't too fun for me, but, caused no harm either. Then after almost a year, and so very much discussion (which is ongoing today)we hired a male through the newspaper. He seemed nice on the phone. Down to earth, and we had had a difficult time finding a guy we didn't know that I felt comforatble with . For me to enjoy the experince, I want to get to know him some, and feel safe and comfortable. BUT THat breaks rule one. Husband sees it as more than recreation if I take time to become attracted. Hence, male for hire. Turns out, he was not physically atractive but, not aggressive or threatning either. I did perfrom some oral, but, that was all. He performed oral on my husband with me giving my concent. this did nothing for my husband. He is a sexual man, and is comforatable were most men would not be. He is not gay or even what I would consider bi, he is just sexual and confident in who he is. Met one coulple at local swing club. Several time we have sat and chatted. They are hard core. THey shared some of their history with us. Husband began questions of "what about him" when we first met them, but, his wife was not of interest to either of us, and after several meetings we began to "know"him. Bad for husband, good for wife. We saw him in club one night without wife. He obviously wants me, but is veteran enough to be patient and knows we haven't crossed line. I, saw that evening as a perfect time. I would even say that I wanted to, I was comfortable with all of the factors. HOWever, that which comforted me, caused same discomfort for husband. So, here's the ulitmate question and the reason for this novel, What is our problem? Are we doomed? Any suggestions besides talking and taking time. We are on both accounts. Not pressured not silent Were cool, we just seek your input.
Signed by and written by both of us or Us2.

[DragonsLair]

First of all, congratulations on finding the love you've been looking for. I'm glad you have a loving and secure relationship. That is the first step in considering swinging.

Everything you say sounds completely normal. My husband and I are newbies too. And I go thru the same feelings. Spend some time reading thru the New Swingers forum. And check out the archived threads too. I found a great deal of information that helped me out in the archives.

The one thing people here will tell you is take the time to talk things out until you're both comfortable. Talk, talk, talk, and more talk. If everything doesn't feel right for both of you, don't do it. There are people here who took several years to start swinging. They said they felt like they talked the subject of swinging to death. But it was worth the wait. And they'll tell you that swinging is not for everyone either.

Be patient and take your time. It's hard to find a couple where there's attraction from all parties.

Read thru the board. Both of you, together. And ask questions. There is so much experience on this board that can be of benefit to you.

Take care and let us know how things are going for you.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[us2]

Thanks for response. We've been reading for some time now. We do get good advise and we could give advice as well. But, is it unusual for one to need to develop a sort of friendship and one to not want that at all. Sex is fun for both, but, the pleasure comes from 2 different places. Internal for me and visual for him. Blindfold most men and a warm mouth will suffice, his imagination takes over from there. Blind fold me, and I feel nothing. No fun, no connection, just motions. I don't think that I will acheive an orgasm with anyone but my husband unless I know them very very well. I took time to reach that point with him. My whole self needs safety to become that vunerable. He would like for me to cum, it turns him on to think once in the act I cannot help it when said man brings me to orgasm dispite what I thnk. He also, really doenst want to know the other person. That kind of blows it for him. There is one person that he grew up with that would be okay. but, when we approched him with the idea, his response was "some fantisies should remain fantisties". So, are these basic difference between us common? or an eternal struggle.
us2 are we doomed to only talk about it. Or, perhaps, start a new form of swinging...virtual swinging.

[DragonsLair]

I think coming from two such diametrically opposed sides will make this a bit harder for the two of you. But if this is something that you both really want, you'll find a compromise. It might take you longer to get there, but it will be worth it in the end. In my opinion, it's going to take a lot more talking before anything happens. Or should happen. Your relationship is primary here. The swinging is secondary. The two of you need to find middle ground where both are comfortable.

I'm going to ask the experienced couples here to chime in with advice on how to find that middle ground. I'm not sure how to do it other than talking about it. Maybe someone out there has been thru this problem.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Alura]

We think it's a mistake to have sex with strangers but realize others don't feel that way. Still, we find couples to offer a lot more and be less threatening; maybe you can, too.

If you can find another couple in your area, perhaps they can help y'all along. It doesn't matter if they are experienced or not. Their patience matters a lot!

Don't be in a hurry. Read, think, talk. When y'all are ready, you'll know it. Don't ignore warning signs that one or the other is not ready!

Alura

[BradAndJanet]

You know, I can't give you much advice except to tell you to continue to be open and honest with each other. You may yet find common ground and discover a situation where you can both be turned on and comfortable at the same time.

Have you asked your husband why he prefers more 'anonymous' sex? Is it possible he's afraid that you may form an attachment to someone you 'know' and leave him? It appears that your relationship is young and he may be a little insecure about your love for him.

Please don't be offended if I have that all wrong; it's difficult to understand all the background from an exchange of online posts. But, it's something that occurred to me and I thought I'd ask.

-B

[OhioCouple]

It sounds as though everything you are going through is normal. In the beginning for us we seemed to be on opposite ends of the totem pole as to who and what to look for.

For instance, I wanted separate rooms (which we did not do) since I was worried about seeing my husband with another woman. He wanted to meet people no less than 100 miles out of our local area out of fear of being found out. I thought we should stick closer to home. I didn't want to bring anyone into our home or meet at theirs, he did. He didn't want to go to a club, I did. There were a lot of differences in issues.

What we did was compromise. We started seeking other couples to meet outside of 100 miles, got a motel room and would only meet there. Over the course of 14 months as we have become more assured of what we are doing and what to expect, this is now what we do.

We met a local couple that we get along with very well. We will play in separate rooms on occasion with this couple that we trust and feel that we know very well. We meet at their home or ours. We cook out, go to dinner and even attended social events with them in our local area. We have attended several clubs and have both pretty much come to the conclusion that it isn't for us.

As you are new to both marriage together and swinging, talking and compromising is where you need to focus. If one person isn't comfortable with something, then don't do it at all. Find a level of comfort for you both and go from there.

Most importantly and you will hear this over and over again. Talk, talk and then talk some more. I believe that is just as important, if not more so, as "No means No".

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Lori and Gene

[us2]

Thank you all. I for one feel better. My husband has not pushed me in any way other than asking me to consider and be open to ideas and concepts that I would never had done before. It has made me more confident, and our commetment stronger. We may be newly wed, but, I am 42 and he is 37. I feel as if I have finally begun to live. I'm going to make up for lost time with quaility living. Thank you for your candor, and this site. We've been all over the net, and magaizines, and whereever we thought we could pick up a few tidbits of information. I come from the knowledge is power sort. In other words, I am a career student.
To the person who asked if perhaps my husband was less than comfortable with the idea of me forming an attachment, funny you should mention that, so did I earlier this morning. He says that may be a part of it.l I beleive it is part of it, but, not all. Actaully, that started out as my idea. I have very mixed feelings about it. For the most part, a person is not attractive until I have a good sence of who they are. But when that rule came up, I also didn't want to chance and still don't anyone causing problems for us. Between the two of us, we have 4 children (the brady bunch). I work where even the idea of this would not go over well at all. We live in a small town, and everyone knows or is realted to eveyone else. So, the stranger that we would never see again, seemed to be a good idea on paper at least. But, when it came down to it, not so good for me, but, he ended up likeing the idea. So....you see, we have talked and at great lenght. Keep sending words of wisdom, and your experiences on. They are of great benifit. And please pardon my typing. Laptops and I don't get along so well.
Us2 back to you!

[Handyman69]

We have been in the lifestyle for about 8 months but got to say talked about it for around 2 years. We set the the ground rules and then started to "play". Not saying things have been easy as rules seem to change with each new couple. What I'm trying to say is that communication is the key. Each needs to know what the other one is thinking, plus each needs to be able to speak freely and openly.

We were told of this site about 3 months after we entered the lifestyle. I enjoy the board and use it to increase my knowledge. These guys here are great and very open.

We are also from a small town area and have stayed away from the area. I have a professional job so don't want it thru work what I do on my off time. We have found couples that are close enough to go and see. We have 5 kids at home...(his and ours). 2 of the kids are over 16, we have been very discrete and to my knowledge they do not know much except that we spend some time with some friends.

We like to meet with the couple first. Usually go thru emails and/or phone calls before we actually meet in person. I don't know if I would feel real comfortable just doing a "1 night thing" but to each his own.

Well that's my 2 cents. Hope it helps a little.

Rhonda

[us2]

Okay, this is the male portion of us2. My question to all of the men out there is this. That first time, at that first moment, when everything is going well, and she obviously happy and at ease. At some point your faced with the fact you see pleasure in her eye, or face ,or hear it her voice, that you have not heard before...with you....how do you handle the thought that he's doing something better than you. Obviously, it isn't necessarily better, just different. Could be his physical attributes, could be technique, whatever, could be the excitement of the moment, but the perception is he's doing it better...The point is, yes we're new, no it hasn't happend yet, and we all hope that we're above or beyond that. But , be real, how did you handle it. And don't tell me that there were not some very uncomforable minutes, and that a few guts didnt hurt for a while. Did anyone really loose it?

[Alura]

No matter how fast you are, Cowboy, there's a gun out there that's faster. In the case of swinging, a longer-lasting tongue, bigger cock, more endurance, etc.

The one thing the other guy can't give her is more love. As long as the two of you KNOW your love is safe because neither is willing to risk that, y'all will be okay. Make sure your partner knows he/she doesn't have to compete. Say "I love you" several times a day and kiss often. Mrs. Alura and I have always kissed and said "I love you" each time before changing mates to play. We've always made love after finishing play with another couple.

It's often been said on this board that the secret to handling jealousy is to be able to separate love and sex. When you know that you are the only guy she is able to MAKE LOVE with because she doesn't love anybody else, you'll find jealousy has no place.

Mr. Alura, who is missing Mrs. Alura already. She's been gone eight hours.

[DragonsLair]

Mr. Alura,

I can understand about the missing your spouse part of your post. My husband is traveling on business. He's been gone 10 days so far and isn't coming home for way too many more. sighs I miss him.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[4sum]

Mr. Alura is right.

The way I look at it, every person you play with brings something different to your experience. The same is true from your spouses perspective. If we were all the same, what would the point of swinging be?

It's like ordering the same thing for breakfast every morning. Changing to something else every once in a while doesn't mean you don't like your favorite anymore. In fact it can make it taste all the better.

Learn to relax and enjoy the differences. I personally think it's cool to see a guy (or a lady) make my wife cum as hard as she can. It's something you don't really get to appreciate the same way when you're the one on top of her. That being said, there is some inherent insecurity that can creep in, but Love is the cure for that.

In sex, there is no standard metric of pleasure. It's fun because it's different, not because it's better. As long as you don't forget that, and as long as you don't forget that you Love each other, enjoying the sex part is easy.

[Handyman69]

US2,

Thought I would give a woman's point of view. I might have experince some great sex with another guy but my hubby knows that he will be getting some great sex later. We make it a point of making love with each other later that night. (might be at home or whatever) but John knows it will be good.

He knows my heart belongs to him. So I have sex with someone else but make love to my husband. (and there is a definate difference). Hope you can see that and hope everyone can relax and enjoy.

Rhonda

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Handyman69
We make it a point of making love with each other later that night. (might be at home or whatever) but John knows it will be good.

It is the same way for us too! Actually, I don't think a point really has to be made for us to do so. We are so hot for each other afterwards, that sometimes the drive home if we are away from our home can be very nerve racking!

Even though we usually don't get home until the wee hours, I foolishly insisted on Auto Lighting for our driveway and doors....not a good idea when you can't keep your hands off each other and wait to get in the house to extend play. The keys have been dropped more than once, while we played a little....

Lori