Husband Concerned About Disappointing The Ladies

[crazykatie]

Well, since I am on a roll with the situational questions, I have another and it is a bit more delicate...

Since we have been swinging, we have played with four couples.

With our first couple, the guy either came while he was eating me or had difficulty getting an erection. Whichever, when we tried intercourse, he had trouble getting and keeping a hard erection. He seemed embarrassed and they wanted to end the evening (though we thoroughly enjoyed them).

Our second couple, the guy was incredibly long lasting. In fact, too long lasting in my book. To quantify this, he was at it continuously for a solid 25 minutes in five different positions. They are both seasoned swingers. We took a break and played some more, and some more. It was a great time.

Our third and fourth couples we met at a house party. Both of the guys were what I think of as average (though I know no such thing exists). They were at intercourse for about five to seven minutes or so. I encouraged them to cum since I really get off on feeling that even though I do not always orgasm.

We have played several times with the last three couples.

Here is the question. My husband has become increasingly concerned about his ability to please the women with whom he is playing. This is a good thing, of course. Because of my preference to feel his orgasm, I have never been one to encourage him to be "long-lasting" in any sense. Frankly, once I am horny, I want him to finish quickly so that I can rub myself against the base of his cock and orgasm myself (my preferred method).

However, I may have done him a disservice. Ever since we played with the second couple the first time, he has developed a case of swinger performance anxiety. He is intensely concerned that he won't last very long first time out of the box (or in the box). On our last play date with one of the couples we met at the house party, he was so stressed about his performance that he lasted only a minute. He was unable to achieve a second erection (something I have never seen). We were playing fairly late and the couple had to leave after a short while, so there was some built in time pressure.

I see a trend developing here that is troubling. I want and need my hubby to have fun. I know his performance troubles him greatly. I come all the time with intercourse, so he has never had to work very hard with me. However since our last couple play dates, he has been trying to extend our sexual play (though my preference would be for him to climax quickly). I assume he is attempting to develop better climax control. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring himself with no luck.

I am convinced that if he feels successful in pleasing the next woman, his confidence will come back and all will be good. I am also convinced that with the pressure removed, he will quickly recover with a second erection. However, I am mindful that most lifestyle couples are looking to avoid this sort of “drama.” I mean, I had a good time with our first couple, but I would have been happier if the guy had been able to perform a little longer.

So, I am looking for insights and advice.

For the seasoned women out there, what are you looking for in a playmate? I mean, I have seen some women write that they could care less about how long the intercourse lasts as long as the man is willing to start and finish with oral sex. I know that other women are looking for guys who can perform (like the male half of the second couple we met).

Also, given that I know that my husband is concerned about his performance, how should I approach the next couple we meet? Should I/we discuss performance expectations in some way before making a decision to head to the bedroom? I mean, I think I'd feel real strange having that type of conversation.

Thanks in advance for the input.

Katie

[tribbles]

D seldom lasts long and we always just tell couples he cums fast.

If they can't cope, they move on.

Most stay to play anyway.

I don't cum without a vibe. A big one.

We tell people that up front too.

A few can't cope with that and move on.

We also tell people we have hair. Everywhere. No razors for us!

The ones who stay know what to expect and are good with it.

Ask your hubby if he is ok with talking to others about it first...if they know and are ok with it, it could decrease his anxiety and increase his pleasure.

Yes, it felt weird to tell people at first. Now it's easy.
S

[wifes_sex_slave]

I used to have an issue not lasting more than 10 minutes, but since Mrs and I have been getting into the lifestyle (short time I may add) our sex life has dramtically hightened. We now have sex almost every day and I have found that this has increased my staying time considerably. Sometimes too long though (ie we had a FMF last weekend and it took me an hour an a half to get off, but the good thing is both ladies were completely satisfied)

It used to be that it would take quite a long time to get Mrs off but she has now started having her ogasms earlier and more frequent.

My advice, have as much sex as you both can possibly handle, until you walk funny if you have to. Practice makes perfect. facelick

[StacyCat]

Be honest with your play partners. There are many women that might prefer to cum from oral sex before intercourse, perhaps he could try that, then have intercourse?

[aaaflirt]

lol to blood penis thinking coment
Hey as you have very well mentioned in your question great sex is different for every body.
The way i find best to please our partners is to ask if they mind experimenting with different ideas, fantasies, etc. if they are open to that, then they probably wont mind what sort of performance they get cos it was suposedly new to both of us.
If all else fails tell them what you like/dont like and if they are in theyr in, if not there was nothing lost. (sounds like an echo of the last person) Talking about sex to a person in this instance shouldnt be to dificult, after all your about to get way more intimate than verbal comunication.
This should be a no pressure thing, Im not a vibrator i dont have an on off switch, and i cant cum on command (yet).
I do believe Men can become "multi-orgasmic" and i am learning the technique. The technique is in a book called "how to make love all night (and drive a woman wild) by Barbara Keesling, Ph.D. --i dont know where i got it from but i know it was from the net. Hey good luck and like I said "NO PRESSURE"

[ohash01]

I am of the female variety where the man can go for 45 minutes, but I'm just plain tough to get-off. I am the only person on the planet that can get me off EVERY time. I'm prepared to frustrate many men in the swinging world. It's just my policy to let them know that I'm just a tough case.

I think it's less the quantity and more the quality. If your hubby can concentrate on pleasuring the women for a while in other ways first, ie - hands, mouth, toys, whatever the woman likes, then after she has had a bit of fun he no longer has to worry about it. I think that freaking out does cause a lot of problems. You get all psyched up and then you just can't hold out. Convince him to relax. Bring up the fact that you have played with some of these couples multiple times...they wouldn't be coming back if it was horrible.

[Chicup]

I wish I could help but I can't even figure myself out.

I go from 5 mins to not ABLE to cum hard for an hour type of thing and that can be with the same woman on different play dates so there goes any of the easy theories.

Sometimes I put on a condom and I'm not even sure I'm having sex. It sort of sounds like you play bareback, maybe a condom will help.

[Alura]

Hell, I've been concerned about disappointing the ladies since I first discovered sex in my teens! It hasn't changed. "I used to do it all night; now it takes me all night to do it." — Bob Hope, or somebody.

I usually try to orally give the lady an orgasm first. If I had to rely on my penis to bring a lady off, we'd both share a lot of disappointment.

Mr. Alura

[DGrey]

Dino doesn't last long the first shot out of the gate. However, after that...he can go all night. He won't/can't cum again but he has great fun for hours on end. None of the couples we've been with have had a problem with his style, if you want to call it that.

Does your husband have the ability to get another erection, a longer lasting one, after cumming once? If so, perhaps you want to have fun with each other before you head out for a night of passion with others.

E

[flipflop]

Talking from my own experience, I used to be one of the minute men too. But when I injured my back, my physiotherepist started doing the male equivalent to the Kegel Exercise, which is to tighten the muscles that are deep in the abdomen, by tensing up the same muscles you use to stop the flow of urine, and raising both legs about 1 1/2 inches of the bed, and since I have started doing them, which they say should make you last longer, I have been lasting much much, longer. It used to only take me about 5 to 10min., and now it can last as long as 1 1/2 hours, which my wife greatly enjoys.

[JTcamp05]

Very common worry's your hubby has been dealing with. I started in the lifestyle with that same thing happening. It did seam the more I worried about it the worse it became. I realized with the help of my lovely wife to just relax and enjoy the experience. When this happened one can come on demand easier, while making love its important to know when your partner is "ready"..... Sure a female can be ready because she having and orgasm, ready to try comming another way, or just plain ready for it to be over. I personally think a smart man needs to have an idea what she's thinking!

[cubnamy1995]

I came across this one and had to post. I too, used to have an issue with not lasting very long. Zoloft took care of that. Now I have the opposite problem. If I am not completely relaxed, while I can get and keep an erection, I can go a long time and not get off. Very seldom is it a problem with Amy, but when I have to "perform", I worry, which, of course, makes it worse.

While it is well known that women can be very self-conscious, I don't think women realize just how much we want to please them, and worry about it. I did fine during our last FFM, but we haven't since I started the zoloft, so I am sweating it a bit.