Men's Erectile Dysfunction is giving her a complex

[curiouscple40]

We have been in the lifestyle for about 3 years. We took a break after several bad experiences for me (Mrs.). Everything would be great until it was time to perform, then no go. (ED)

Last weekend we played with a couple we had played with before and are very close friends with. Once again, he couldn't perform (second time this has happened with this particular man) It is really messing with me. I'm seriously wondering if it is me. My husband says it's not, but it's hard to believe that when men who never have performance problems (according to the female half of the couple) can't get it up when they are with me.
I'm 5"2" 125 lbs and I while I don't think I'm God's gift to men, I'm not the bride of Frankenstein either.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is something that happens often, and I should learn to roll with it?

[JustAskJulie]

I'm wondering if there might be something else going on that might be causing it... Do you guys do same room? How does your hubby act when the two of you are playing with others? towards you? towards the other woman? On the same note, how are you acting? Are you watching your hubby closely and paying attention to what's going on with him and the other woman? or are you attentive to the guy you are with?

If for some reason whether it be your your hubbies actions or yours, the guy you are with is not feeling comfortable it may be causing the problem and it may be worth examining and seeing if something can't be changed to fix the problem.

[SueRic]

Does the guy drink alcohol when all of you get together? Is he a smoker? My guess is that it has very little to do with you, and a lot to do with his overall health. Also, performance anxiety may have been a big factor the second time around.

Sue

[jedi6942]

Sad to say; but, yes. It happens often.

Actually, the sexier a woman is the more likely it is to happen. I have had this same problem with women that I greatly desired.
so, with me, the first time might not be as fulfilling as we'd like. Maybe not the second time either. However, the reason is not lack of attraction and it is not permanent.

There are any number of reasons why a penis may be unresponsive. None of them are you. You can, however, have a huge impact on the potential final result. With me, a woman that expresses a strong desire, in earthy terms, can make a big difference. It helps to bring her back from an unapproachable (only in my mind) position to one of real world playfulness.

This is a huge area of discussion and 'i know that this will not answer a lot of questions. You should know two things. 1) It has nothing to do with how desirable you are. 2) It is fixable.

[ShellyM]

If you are concerned about it you may want to ask him about it, albeit gently and in a very tactful way. It very well may be that he likes you so much he can't perform around you...something is making him nervous. I'm sure he will tell you the truth.

[curiouscple40]

Thanks for your replies. In answer to Julie, we play in the same room. This last time was the exception because we all felt more comfortable in separate rooms. I don't think I focus too much on my hubby. I am usually focusing on my partner and helping him get an erection.

With the last guy, I admit I was nervous and I feel sure he was feeling a lot of pressure to perform. In hindsight we probably shouldn't have even attempted it.

It was all the previous instances that concerned me as well. I was beginning to get a complex. Getting an erection is never a problem for anyone while we dance or are in the club. Only afterward in the room. It is frustrating and confusing that's for sure.

After reading your responses, I feel much better. Not like I am some sort of freak! LOL!

[JustAskJulie]

It's always going to be easier when you are on the dance floor or other places where this is no pressure to perform, simply because there is no pressure to perform. Once clothes come off it becomes a whole different ballgame.

[SuAndBud]

Wouldn't it be great if both sexes could see the other perspective?

If a guy can obtain and maintain a good erection, it's commonly considered that he's "a real man" and that he has incredible control of his sex bits.

If he can't it's often commonly considered to be a failing on his part and he's less of a man.

If a woman is well lubricated and has a stiff clitoris it's commonly considered that the guy she's with is "a real man" and by elliciting such a response has incredible control over her bits. If she isn't aroused it's 'coz he's less stimulating.

What broad shoulders the poor guys need.

Maybe these things just happen and Bud knows from experience that when it happens once, it's more likely to happen again as it's playing on his mind prior to his next encounter.

It's invariably mental and not physical as five minutes after the event, the guy could often pogo into town on his third leg.

The only answer Bud can offer is for the guy to maybe pop a Viagra or similar. A memorable example of which was when Bud did that one time half an hour before the activities were to start. He had no problem maintaining a hard-on and slept soundly, peacefully and gratefully afterwards. When he went to the bathroom in the morning, guess what was staring up at him from the soap shelf? The little blue libido enhancer he'd forgotten to take the previous evening. He'd actually made it through the night all on his own. Boy did that help with his self-esteem!

[Kycouple4fun]

This is one of my fears cause I know there will be pressure if my wife is watching me with another woman, what is she thinking, how is she feeling, ect ect and honestly I don't think any amount of talking can prepare me for that moment. Just a thought but in the past I have had a very hard time getting aroused with just porn unless my wife is aroused too (again thinking those thoughts) so I am sure with another person the pressure is 20 fold. Has the man's wife tried to help out (Maybe some reasurence is all he needs).

Anyway just some thoughts I had on the subject.

[discoandvyper]

I had the opposite problem when Disco and I tried our first couple-swap full swap thingy. I got so excited getting to see my fantasy come true of seeing her with another guy in penetrative sex that I ejacualted early. Really early. Didn't even get to penetration with the lady I was with.

She didn't take offense. I pleasured her orally as best I could to make up for it.

[She_n_Jaybee]

If the problem is nerves, a pill isn't going to fix it. First, don't worry that it's you. It's simply the result of stress. When us guys are thrown into a new situation it often creates stress. First thing stress does, is reduce blood flow to the extremities. I know for a fact stress is much stronger than a pill. I usually take Cialis on the weekends, so that I'm not worried about my reaction. One night at a club, I got volunteered to enter a sexy man contest. Meaning I had to get up on stage and do a strip tease for the crowd. I'm definitely not one who enjoys the spotlight. Luck of the draw, I ended up next to last to dance. Before the contest, I was walking around at half mast, no problems at all. A good stiff breeze and I'd have broken my zipper. By the time I had to get on stage, I looked like my genitalia was the creation of Michelangelo. Stress. After it was all over, everything returned to normal.

If the guy is having problems, change the subject. Do something to get his and your mind off of it. Tell jokes, play charades, or 20 questions. Just help him to relax and stop worrying about sex. Once you get hime relaxed, the problem will usually go away.

[SuAndBud]

The point of the pill is for outside support. The power of the mind is more powerful than any pill but if a guy thinks the pill is gonna be a solution to his problem then it probably will. In Bud's case the pill ended up being the ultimate placebo in that he hadn't even taken the damn thing (yet it still worked - lol).

A similar story to getting up for the sexy man contest: In his bachelor days, Bud was watching a Burlesque type show in Hamburg, with a group of Buddies. He had been receiving the attentions of a gorgeous lapdancer whilst the "acts" were being performed and you could have hung a flag from his pole. "I have to go dance, now", she said and took her leave. Bud and his pals were treated to an especially good show by his girl who, at the end of her act beckoned Bud up on stage to take a bow with her. A lot of ribbing from his compatriots forced Bud to join her at which point she began a slow sensual dance with Bud for the audience. She sank to her knees in front of him and unzipped his pants. Bud's pride and joy were nowhere to be found, they'd all but retreated internally in sheer abject terror of "having to perform" in front of this anonymous (and where his friends were concerned, not so anonymous) crowd.

You're so right about the nerves. The stress. The demand to "perform". Perhaps if the little blue pill had been available then, though, and Bud had taken one - this story might have had a different ending entirely.

Whatever works for you is good. Whatever works for me is good.

Whatever works.....is good.