ED situation - what's a gal to do?

[Tybee Swing]

Hey all,

Mrs. here! We had a situation this weekend with a couple we know and like, and I'm wondering what is the best way to handle the snag we encountered - tips are welcome!

We like this couple very much - it's mutual. Due to circumstances, we haven't been intimate with them for 6 months, until last night. So we're not new to each other, it's just been awhile. Everything was going great - we all have a real comfort level together. We've all been very much looking forward to getting back together. Lots of anticipation.

Once we got to the room and the play got started, the other Mr. soon lost his erection once he and I got started. He was struggling with it and trying not to show frustration. I asked him what he'd like, and he said me on top. We started that but it just wasn't working out, so I did what any smart woman would - slowing it down a bit, giving oral, going with the flow. Even that wasn't working for him, and he was getting really tense about the erection problem (frustrated, probably embarrassed). Meanwhile, my hubby and the other wife were at full throttle. I love watching this, and if I wasn't so worried about other Mr. and what I should do, I would have been enjoying the view much more. Suddenly, I was at a loss there as to what to do -- I felt somehow I was supposed to "do something", like it was my responsibility to solve the problem or come up with what to do next, but I was kind of stymied there. I'd already tried what I knew and that hadn't helped.

Fortunately, my husband (he's really in-tune when it counts - he's not a bag of hammers) seemed to realize my dilemma at the very moment I didn't know what to do for the other Mr. My hubby took the initiative discreetly to change things around, coming back to me and letting the other Mr. go back to his wife. I was so relieved! I was having fun now, and the other couple was working it out - he suddenly didn't have the problem when back with his wife.

Later, the play continued to switch around different ways, including me giving him oral to completion. That earlier try was the end of it for the evening of him trying to get inside me and maintain an erection. I sense that he is still frustrated and embarrassed by his inability to "complete his mission". Again, I'm wondering if it's my "job" to say something to make it right? We already both wrote nice notes to them about what a great time we had, how awesome they are, etc.

Q: Women, how do you handle these situations? If what you try doesn't work in helping him get an erection, what then? Men, if you've ever been in this situation as the guy, what do you expect the woman to do - or hope she will do? Everybody -- how much responsibility do I have to try to make things work out for him? How do I know how much to try, or when to quit? Or, should a woman in my position just simply wait for the man to indicate what to do next and not try to do anything?

Since it worked out just fine for him when he went back to his wife, I'm guessing the reason it wasn't working with me would be nerves, anticipation, performance anxiety, or some other non-physical reason would be the cause of it? He made comments about my husband's endurance, stamina, etc. a few times - could this have anything to do with it?? (It wasn't alcohol and it wasn't really late.) Any wisdom/experiences on this appreciated.

[sereneiders]

Well, I've been in this other guy place myself. I still often do, until feeling confortable enough.

There are many reasons involved, one is the use of condoms (that I dont use with my wife), the anxiety, distractive factors... but at last, this isn't something that should concern my partner.

I start by warning this may happen to me, to ensure this is "acceptable", to know if the lady is up to keep having fun in some other way, because by knowing it'd be ok it helps me with my anxiety, and because I want her to know there is nothing wrong with HER (at last, to avoid her own anxiety to add up with mine should this happens).

Once in the middle of the action, if I lose my erection (this often happens when I -or she- start dealing with the condom), I don't allow it to change my attitude towards what's going on. I keep using what I was using before, my fingers and tonge, and try to please her (I enjoy very much pleasing my partner, for me the orgsm is a plus but not something I pursue to have). It happens to me that once I realize she's having fun anyway and enjoying the moment, my friend start responding again (and even if i lost my erection while putting on the condom, I leave the condom right there as to avoid having to deal with the same again, once my friend start reacting).

It is important to me to reasure my partner it's my private issue, that she have nothing to do about it. It's pointless to be anxious the two of us, and if she feel pressed because of this, I know for sure I wont be able to regain an erection because I'll feel even more anxious, for her as well as for myself.

This was an advice I got from a couple friend of us since the very begining. The guy told me it took more than a year for him to get rid of the anxiety, and his wife told me the worst thing regarding these issues is to turn them into a drama. Then I try to prevent the drama by means of warning beforehand, and avoid it in the middle of the game.

The interesting thing about this is that most of the couples we played with, even when I lost my erection and was unable to penetrate the lady, where up to play with us again, so I guess I manage to make it worth besides of my friend performance.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Men, if you've ever been in this situation as the guy, what do you expect the woman to do - or hope she will do?

When I was a very young man, my erections were predictable...I always had one, whether I wanted it or not...and women were fickle. It seemed that no matter how well I treated a woman, some would enter, then leave my life for no apparent reason.

A few decades have passed, and the situation has since reversed. Now, women are predictable...I always seem to have one, whether I want one or not...while my erections sometimes enter then leave my life for no apparent. Sometimes, I know there's likely to be a problem. Stress, being preoccupied with other things, not being attracted to the other person in the first place, etc., all bode ill for the legendary "Blue-veiner." But other times, I AM attracted to the other person, I AM looking forward to having sex with them, and everything else in my life IS going well, when suddenly and without warning, my erection will simply go away. It leaves without warning, in much the same way a cat will jump off your lap and leave the room. Nothing will bring it back, and trust me, Darlin', I've had some extremely talented women try.

Usually, the best way to deal with it is NOT to deal with it, and to focus my attentions on my partner instead. I've found that as soon as I stop worring about not having an erection...I start getting one.

Since it worked out just fine for him when he went back to his wife, I'm guessing the reason it wasn't working with me would be nerves, anticipation, performance anxiety, or some other non-physical reason would be the cause of it? He made comments about my husband's endurance, stamina, etc. a few times - could this have anything to do with it??

Very possibly. If I were already having performance issues, then looked over and saw some guy riding my wife like a cheap dirt bike, I'd probably lose my enthusiasm for the whole thing, too.

Being a good lover is 50% learning how to please another, and 50% learning how to be pleased by another. Don't beat yourself up too much over this...at the very worst, it's only half your fault.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Don't beat yourself up too much over this...at the very worst, it's only half your fault.

Thanks, but I'm not beating myself up at all and I don't think it's my "fault". Not that it's his fault, either -- it's just what happened. It's going to happen sometimes, especially in our age group - over 40. My question is really about being the woman in my position - what is expected of me at that point, what should I do to handle this (if anything), when the man is getting frantic about trying to deal with his erection, trying to make it happen.

My husband told me later that I'm hard to get into unless the man is fully erect, where the other man's wife is easy to get into only semi-hard. Maybe this is part of the reason why he could regain an erection when he went back to his wife. Also, the factor of not using a condom with her, plus the comfort/familiarity factor.

I've been thinking about it and so far, it seems the best way to handle it is to do what we did - when my husband came back to me and left the couple to manage this together. My hubby and I didn't plan this out, it just worked that way (thanks to him) - but I'm thinking this may be the way to consciously handle it should it happen again. Have others here experienced it this way, and does this work best? Thanks!

[VanHlebar]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Thanks, but I'm not beating myself up at all and I don't think it's my "fault". Not that it's his fault, either -- it's just what happened. It's going to happen sometimes, especially in our age group - over 40.

I hate to say this, but it isn't just the age. I am in my early 30s and well this happens to me quite frequently, even if I have medical help...

For me I approach is very similar to how Serenieders has described. Before any playdate is set, I speak with the lady and explain that I have been known to have issues and to just go with it. Sometimes if I ignore it and just concentrate on the lady things work out, sometimes they don't. As longs as she is having a good time and isn't upset about it, I have learned not to stress over it.

We have figured out for me that it appears to be a combination of two things, one the condom (I hate them) and two if it is a new partner, then it takes a few play dates for me to be comfortable with the lady. Some things that seem to help me out in this situation also is to do just what you guys did. Sometimes I will go back to MrsVan and spend some time with her. Sometimes I can have a short session with her without a condom and then once I am going, she can put the condom on and the other lady and I can resume play. This isn't the best situation but sometimes it works. This is yet another reason we play same room only and as close together as possible.

From my perspective, I don't ever expect the lady to do anything to "fix" the problem. If it isn't working, I will usually say so and then just go back to pleasing her and see where nature takes us.

-Van

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by VanHlebar

From my perspective, I don't ever expect the lady to do anything to "fix" the problem. If it isn't working, I will usually say so and then just go back to pleasing her and see where nature takes us.

-Van

That's great! Thanks for sharing.

It sounds like you have your plan of action well thought-out in advance, so you know how you'll manage things if they should go that way. That would have been great, if the guy we were with had switched gears and went with some kind of solution he could be comfortable with, rather than spiraling down and getting more and more frantic. It left me feeling like I was holding the bag and not sure where to go with it. I'm glad that when I looked at my hubby, he changed the scenario around for all our sakes.

[sereneiders]

I believe this guy problem had to do with the "surprise factor". I mean, either he knew this may happen and didn't told you before, or he didn't knew but happend. The problem is aroused when this become unconfortable enough for the players as for someone to quit playing, which at last is what happend: you switched back partners.

I've seen couples where the guy make jokes about these issues, whenever he actually had a problem before or not, just to loosen it up and open the door for the other guy to talk about it. IMHO this is a wise approach, since the other guy feels these issues as acceptable, if he had them before, is able to warn beforehand and then to agree in a confortable way to deal with the problem for both parties as to keep the ball rolling. And often this confort level is enough to even avoid the problem at all.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

I believe this guy problem had to do with the "surprise factor". I mean, either he knew this may happen and didn't told you before, or he didn't knew but happend. The problem is aroused when this become unconfortable enough for the players as for someone to quit playing, which at last is what happend: you switched back partners.

Thanks sereneiders! The guy does have some issues with ED. He and his wife explained it all in depth the first time, months ago. We really didn't need all of that explanation, as it was a non-issue to us...we are fully okay with it and with working with it. We've assured them it's totally fine by us. They've always seemed comfortable and at ease with us.

But in the moment, at this occasion last weekend during our "reunion", he got all panicky and made me pretty uncomfortable. Not by his ED, but by his reaction to it. Everything shifted quickly and went on smoothly from there, but the guy wasn't the one making the transition.

I thought this might actually be pretty common, and that other women here must have been in this same position with an upset man, a time or two.

[blinkey]

I have heard this called "LDS" -- Loyal Dick Syndrome, a problem that only the wife can seem to cure.

[pinquita]

You have no obligation, other than trying what you did. Your husband is a great person, I commend that action. He came to rescue you, and gave the jump starting job to the real responsable party.
Some times, I hear the husband does not come to the rescue, leaving the wife in troble. Off course he has to enjoy, but, your husband did well. My concern is always my female partners enjoyment.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by blinkey

I have heard this called "LDS" -- Loyal Dick Syndrome, a problem that only the wife can seem to cure.

Interesting, I haven't heard this term! But, it makes perfect sense.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by pinquita

You have no obligation, other than trying what you did. Your husband is a great person, I commend that action. He came to rescue you, and gave the jump starting job to the real responsible party.
Sometimes, I hear the husband does not come to the rescue, leaving the wife in trouble. Off course he has to enjoy, but, your husband did well. My concern is always my female partners enjoyment.

Thanks pinquita, I was commending my husband for this the next day, too. It wasn't even something we'd thought out and discussed in advance. He just saw what was happening (and noticed very quickly/keenly), and very smoothly solved it with no prodding whatsoever. He was "smack in the middle of things" when he made all these observations and the transition, too....which makes him even more commendable, to me! He's my hero, and this is another notch on his hero record, with me. I'll have him read what you wrote about him.

[Tybee Swing]

Last month, I wrote a post called ED Situation - what's a gal to do?

This past Saturday, we got together with this couple, again. We're very friendly, we stay in touch regularly, and have known each other/played together for almost a year now.

There was some awkwardness again this time, because the other Mr. deals with ED and it seems to be getting worse, especially in his head. Last time (told in link above), he couldn't get it up with me and got all frantic and panicky about it (which embarrassed me). My hubby saved the day by paying attention, quickly and smoothly switching back to me, and letting other Mrs. deal with her Mr.'s panic and issue. It worked out fine, because they kept going, and so did we. We didn't have any subsequent conversation about that. My hubby and I felt his having ED with me was no big deal..."stuff happens". We were just uncomfortable with his reaction.

But I could tell this time, there had been much discussion and concern about it between themselves since the last time. There were murmerings between them, the other Mrs. coaxing him, etc. Before that, when other Mr. and I started kissing, he felt like a ball of nerves and was literally shaking. Again, awkward for me. He's not been a real good kisser especially when nervous like this - he's one of those snake-tongue guys that's more tongue than lips (turn-off) - so I whispered to him a few times, "less tongue", and it got better. I don't like to have to instruct on things like kissing, but what else can you do? The kissing has to be good or decent for me to even get turned-on. He thanked me though, and said he wanted me to tell him things so he could do it the way I wanted. Other than that, I had to ask him to give head softer in order for me to come, which I did with ease, and he got lighter with the pressure with much "success".

The sex switched back and forth different ways, with lots of interesting and fun positions, a little girl-girl show that the guys really enjoyed, etc. My hubby and other Mrs. had been at it different times/ways already, and between hubby and me (he realllly has stamina), but other Mr. hadn't attempted any penetration with me after quite some time in the room. I was just going with the flow of the moment, no real concern or thoughts about it. But, this is when the coaxing/murmering became apparent, and other Mrs. seemed to be "talking him into it", to penetrate me. (Made me feel a little awkward, but I blew it off.)

After the coaxing by his Mrs., he entered me from behind, while my hubby went behind other Mrs., she and I holding hands. We each had the view of our own husbands behind the other, which was very sexy (hubby and I love it best when we can see each other - very hot). Other Mr. has some kind of pump device and a ring, so he can obtain an erection and then hold onto it with the ring. I've never seen it up close, they keep it in a bag and the lights are dim, but they've used it since the first time we were with them. He seems to try everything to not use the pump, but if he does, he "works" just fine. Again, of no real consequence to me, one way or the other. He was using it this time. So, in the doggie position, we all four were having a great time. Other Mr. came really hard and long while penetrating me, one of those very drawn-out orgasms that lasts at least a full minute! I certainly thought this would cause him to feel much better about everything (successful). It was very obvious he really enjoyed that (he was very verbal).

Other than all the insecurity stuff, it seemed like a great time was had by all, and we certainly enjoyed it very much -- other than the fact that we feel we have to coddle them both with their insecurities. We thought that the way things went, they'd gotten a bolster and both would have felt real good about things. The other issue is other Mrs.' body-image issue. She's lost a good bit of weight, has sagging skin more than before she lost the weight, and is highly conscious of it now. Again, of no consequence to us whatsoever, and we keep making it clear by words and actions. However, we feel we need to go out of our way to bolster her, offer lots of compliments, etc. We both did that for her on Saturday.

On Sunday, I wrote a little note as we usually do after, letting them know what a great time we had and how "hot" the night was. Other Mr. wrote back, apologizing about his ED, and saying he's "struck out" with us twice in a row now. Struck out???? He seemed to be having an amazing time in me, made lots of exclamations about the tightness and feel, and came like a madman. How is that striking out?? At least other Mrs. felt great (and accepted), according to what he wrote us. **sigh**

Hubby and I are getting weary with the drama. He told me he had the thought that "he needs to find me a good man". We both laughed at how that sounded! I told him that I have a good man.

We're debating how to answer this email, and haven't, yet. We consider this couple to be friends we've made. We enjoy all our time with them, in and out of the bedroom (dinners, dancing, etc), so we care about them and their feelings. But, how hard do we have to "work" to prove to them they're acceptable as they are? We hope they just get over themselves and learn to relax with people they SAY they're very comfortable being with.

What would YOU do?

[Darkblue]

Get them to read what you have written here,you have gone out of your ways to help them and they are still insecure! well i cant see it getting better unless they stop worrying about minor things and get on with what everyone so very obviously enjoyed!!

Maybe you should give him a small trophy for best fuck just to make him happy!! (only joking)


Steve

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Maybe you should give him a small trophy for best fuck just to make him happy!!

LOL!!!!!!!

I picture the little golden guy on top of the trophy, sporting an erection.