ED situation - what's a gal to do?

[JM153]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

JM, I appreciate hearing your advice as an insider to a situation like we have.

How does it work best for you? Sounds like you're still swinging and doing fine with it.

We are still swinging and I am learning to cope with it. With me it is a hit or miss thing. I never know what is going to happen. I have ruled out physical problems, so it's all in my head. That's why pills don't help me. I have tried to understand the WHY and can't say I really know. There are diferent theories I have come up with, but I think the most likely reason is the importance I place on being successful. Ms.JM and I eally enjoy swinging and our play partners really enjoy her and I don't want to be the reason they don't want to play with us. Therefore, my being "good" is very important to me and the more I worry the more there is reason to worry. So I try to adopt the attitude of the song "Be Happy, Don't Worry" When I can it works and when I can't it doesn't. That is why the woman's reassurance is important. If I can stop worrying and relax I am OK.

As to specifics, three on one woman and two woman on one man can be a lot of fun and takes some of the pressure of the one on one off.

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I think that part of their urgency with keeping it going with us, is that we're all they've got for now. They prefer a close friends thing, almost exclusivity -

With this guy since your the only game in town - pleasing you takes on more importance. Maybe the reason they want to play with only one couple is because of his fear of rejection. Of course, there are many other reasons why couples choose to play with only one couple.

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I like what you said about telling him to stop apologizing, or it's over. We'll think about this. However, the whole idea of having to "train" him how to behave when we swing isn't very appealing to me.

That's why you are a saint. It is not very appealing, but can be a wonderful gift. And even if you decide it is just too much for you, you still will be a saint for even caring

Please keep us informed and if you can share any insights I know I will appreciate them.
JM

[Tybee Swing]

JM, your insight is very helpful to me. I appreciate it! I will keep you posted.

Thanks,
M & C

[ShellyM]

I don't know what to tell you girl. Are ya'll their friends or their frickin therapists? See, I don't have patience for all that. Here I am, having a good time, and you've got all of these issues. This lifestyle is so much about fantasy and freedom, I personally would not be able to handle all of those hangups....plus, her body image issues would probably cause me to fee self conscious about myself. Uh uh. I would suggest that they get it together, and then go from there. But, thats just my opinion.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

I don't know what to tell you girl. Are ya'll their friends or their frickin therapists? See, I don't have patience for all that. Here I am, having a good time, and you've got all of these issues.

Shelly, I agree with you on this. I'm not their therapist, and I definitely don't want to be. Hubby and I were talking about this yesterday quite a bit. It's our feeling that a lot of people are in the lifestyle for their own ego-based reasons, to get something out of it that's not about just sex and having fun....such as, getting assurance from others outside their marriage that they're desirable as a person, they're a stud (men), they're a desirable vixen (women), and much more.

With another couple we've been getting to know, she seems to be constantly looking for compliments and longing to be desired, "wanting to be wanted", looking for a regular dose of verbal accolades. That bores me, too. In fact, this couple hangs around the Lifestyle on a very regular basis but they rarely actually have sex with people. I think their involvement is driven by her, for ego-based reasons. She's mainly a flirt longing for attention.

We wish there was an on-premise club near us. There are none anywhere near us, and going there would mean a weekend trip at least a few hours away in any direction, and great expense. But, we feel like in the club setting, there would be FAR less drama to deal with. People who go to clubs like this are probably there more for the fun than for getting their "emotional" needs met. Personally, I feel like people should get those needs met from their own marriages, family relationships, etc. and leave most of that out of the Lifestyle.

My husband and I are very nice people. I'm beginning to wonder if we're too nice, and that's drawing emotionally needy people to us.

Hugs!

[VanHlebar]

Tybee,

Well I know I am getting in on this just a bit late here, and JM has offered some great advice and insight into the other husbands mind, but I did have a quick question. Is this couple new to the lifestyle? I apologize if you stated this already but I couldn't find it.

Your story sounds so similar to ours that I actually had to see if you were from Ohio.

We are still newbies ourselves, but when we met our first regular couple back in February, I experienced ED quite frequently with the other wife. We went thru a bunch of discussions both between MrsVan and I and us with the other couple. They kept saying very similar things to us that you have been saying to your other couple and I had very similar issues. I wondered for quite some time if they were being honest or if they were just saying these things because they both really enjoyed playing with MrsVan and knew it would only occur if I was around.

Needless to say, we owe alot to this couple. They were very patient with both of us and we still see them on a regular basis. Things have finally gotten back to normal for me as I got comfortable being around her and after I finally just got over my own insecurities. I will say that I still have issues whenever we meet a new couple or lady and it sometimes even occurs the 2nd time around. So I am just upfront about it and explain that things will be fine as I get more comfortable.

For us, with this other couple, it really helped that we really get along just on a social basis. So I think they really wanted to make things work as much as you appear to want to make things work. The only thing you can do is decide if the couple are worth the effort. Maybe eventually he will get to the point that he will realize that you don't have anything to gain by saying such nice things to him. Why would you need to lie? You must have a great husband, and you have said you have other friends, so if he knows this, he should eventually realize that your comments are sincere.

I sure hope you can work things out with them. For us, I just hope that some day, we are able to provide such a learning experience as our couple provided for us.

-Van

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

With another couple we've been getting to know, she seems to be constantly looking for compliments and longing to be desired, "wanting to be wanted", looking for a regular dose of verbal accolades. That bores me, too. In fact, this couple hangs around the Lifestyle on a very regular basis but they rarely actually have sex with people. I think their involvement is driven by her, for ego-based reasons. She's mainly a flirt longing for attention.

Wow, this couple must get tired making the commute between Savannah and Gulf Shores, because we know them too!! Seriously, you're not along in encountering couples who are a drain on your emotional resources. They're fishing for compliments. They're telling you how much "play" they get. They're telling you how many Swing Lifestyle hits they get on their profile. And on, and on, and on.....

My husband and I are very nice people. I'm beginning to wonder if we're too nice, and that's drawing emotionally needy people to us.

Un huh....We fell into that. If we were at a social, we'd spend our time ducking and dodging nice people whose feelings we didn't want to hurt. We found ourselves in uncomfortable situations because we just didn't know how to say, 'we like you, but not enough to play with you.' But, after one too many nights when we didn't have a good time because we didn't want someone else not to have a good time, we said, "screw this!". We're going to tell people (as nicely and graceously as possible) that we enjoy them as just friends. It's MUCH better. Swinging is a lot more fun when you're not worrying about what emotional breakdown will befall the other couple that night.

Pepper

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by VanHlebar

Is this couple new to the lifestyle?

Hi Van, thanks for all your comments. This couple isn't new to the lifestyle, they've been around it a lot longer than we have. My hubby and I are about 2 years into it, and the other couple is several years into it.

The situation we're in with this couple has been opposite yours, because it started out comfortable with them over a year ago, and then only recently has gotten so weird with him. My hubby and I were on a 6-month hiatus where we weren't playing for medical reasons (we both had surgeries in the winter). We stayed in touch with this couple and remained friends, went out a couple of times during this time, and all was fine. It wasn't until the first time we got together for sex after the hiatus, in May, that he got so freaked out. This was repeated in June, and then all the emailing about him "striking out", etc. etc. But remember, he was performing sexually. Using his pump and all, it was working. But he was a nervous wreck in the room, and then all these dramatic comments from him in emails. So in our case, he seems to be going backwards. You'd think with people he's been involved with for over a year, he could wind down by now and relax.

[Dave_kat]

Tybee, we know the feelings about the clubs. We've been in the Savannah Area for 7 years now, and it's had it's ups and downs.

We don't know if we know some of the same couples, but we've met a few with some of the same problems. ED for the male (occasionally) and the uncertainty about looks or the fishing for compliments by the females.

It's certainly not about being too nice. If it's in your nature to be the nurturing kind, then that is the way you are. Make no apologies for that, it is who you are and part of what makes you so special.

Dave can understand how a guy might feel in the ED situation, especially if it's something that is new, or if things were going good and something happened. A bit of fear/anxiety of whether or not things will continue after, if there will be a next time. That plus some amount of embarrasment about the whole thing might make someone go a little over the deep end on reaction, especially if you really like someone.

If you truly like them for who they are, well, sometimes we have to take the good and the bad together. Just hopefully the good parts outweigh the bad parts.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Dave Kat, it's nice to meet somebody local! I'm sure you understand how lacking the scene is in this town.

It's possible we could know some of the same people, the swing community here is pretty small! In your profile it says that you are polyamorists. Do you go to Lifestyle socials, etc.? Or, do you look for special couples who are likeminded toward polyamory through profiles?

I understand what you're saying about Dave relating to the guy's fear/anxiety, embarrasment, etc. I'm sure the guys can relate to this more than the women can (as it relates to ED). But still, it seems like if the guy wants to move forward at all and continue in the Lifestyle, he's going to need to learn to get a grip on his feelings/emotions/stresses, and find a way to cope with it and/or manage it.

[Dave_kat]

We're interested in polyamory, we enjoy longer term relationships with those with whom we play, but also do enjoy just a get down have fun party. We're kinda in between on that one. Let's just say we prefer longer term open relationships to shorter term let's just have fun types. We seek others we are attracted to personality wise.

As far as what we look for, it's the ability to get along as a group.

As far as him getting a grip on things, that comes with confidence and experience. The more a person experiences, the more they are able to handle all different kinds of issues that might come up. Time and patience are probably the only cures on that one. Wish we could say more than that.

[rachan]

My husband has had bouts with ED but it has more or less resolved itself and when we're with our threesome partner he always is very aroused when I'm being fucked by another man. I'm also involved with a married man that I see alone and that started out as an affair and it still is for him but my husband knows when I see him and after one of our encounters my husband always wants to take me to bed. The idea that I'm having sex with other men works better than Viagra for my hubby.

[crown05male]

During treatment for another medical condition the dreaded ED raised it's head (or should that be it DIDN'T raise it's head), however my doctor proved absolutely marvellous in his way of dealing with it. Today the medication is freely available to overcome a lot of the reasons for ED and highly highly recomended is CIALIS 20mg Tadalifil tablets.

One tablet give anything up to 48 hrs of marvellous erections when sexually stimulated, with none of the mythical problems one often hears about of constant painful erections.

But, posting this information obviously goes hand in hand with advice to get your doctors advice and watch out for what you may buy on the web, there is a lot of junk out here and what is the point of taking the risk of buying crap when your own doctor will prescribe it.

[THB]

You handled the matter with class so far, but even though you have let him off the hook, it might take a little time for him to process that new "head space" for himself. it isn't easy sometimes to come to grips with this, but this couple sounds like they are worth the effort.

I too sometimes have difficulty with ED andthe little blue pills usually solve that. Still, it is unavoidably demoralizing to have to factor ED into the proceedings. When it happens to me, I just try to find alternative ways to please my partner while not drawing unnecessary attention to the problem. In the end, by focusing on the pleasure and not the problem, pleasure wins the day.

[crown05male]

Originally Posted by THB

I too sometimes have difficulty with ED andthe little blue pills usually solve that.

The little blue pills have been a godsend to many of us, and to anyone with a genuine need to use them - try Cialis, my doctor described it as "son of viagra" and it works in a subtly different way. Don't expect raging diamond cutter erections within a short time of taking it, it is a much more natural erection that is brought on by sexual stimulation, every bit as sustainable as with viagra as well. But here's the good one - it can work for up to 48 hrs on one tablet. So much more natural as well, and easy to ignore the fact you need to use medication.

[JP51]

The nice thing about having all the little pills these days is...you can overcome most of the issues related to ED...if it going to be one of those nights, I and I see it NOT starting to behave, excuse myself for a minute (have to go pee, get drinks etc..) pop a pill. Get back to the lovely kind lady, place my head between her legs for 20-30 minutes, back rub, butt rub and get what, then all is well...well almost. I do find the pills make it hard to cum..but then again, we can keep working at it much longer, so no complaints. Besides, if the lady figures out you did not cum, they come back for more...so I give my thanks to all those nice people who did all the research to come up with diffrent little ED pills.

Now if they will ever let the ladies version out of testing, we will see them running around, with with looks like nasal spray! Then we know we are all going to have a very good night!