Help! Problems "rising" to the occasion...

[iowancouple96]

Hubby and I have just recently started full swapping. Our first experience went good till we swapped partners. Hubby was hard when he was with me, but when he got over to the other woman, it just went limp. And there was absolutely no reviving it. He felt absolutely HORRIBLE all week. It definately hurt his ego. Now we went to a house party about a month ago. One of the girls there took him in a different room, and "broke" him in. Now he had a little bit of a difficulty getting hard that time, but he finally got there, and everything went good. Last night we went out with a couple and when we got back to the house, we swapped partners and went our separate ways. I guess she blew him, and he said he was rock hard, went down on her, and it started going down (it had nothing to do with her). She got him rock hard again, he went to put the condom on, and down it went again. Now the guy I was with last night had the same problem when it went to putting the condom on, but I got him hard again and we went on our way. So hubby's been walking around today bummed out. I guess he's not feeling really 'manly' right now. Not sure what's wrong with him. I know this stuff happens, but when is he gonna get his mojo goin? I hate seeing him this way! Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!

[gaznrachy]

Hi there iowancouple96

This from what I have read is not uncommon. It's happened to me too

My take on things is your trying something so out of the ordinary that it can take a while to relax with the situation. Some folk maybe once or twice, others maybe longer.

Often the more you concentrate on your 'mojo' the worse it gets and then you think about it more....vicious circle!

Maybe build up to it a little more slowly, several times with others in the room, without swapping etc.

If all else fails maybe try viagra, I got some but have not had the chance to try it out yet, looking forward to it though

Good luck

[dayhiker]

That has got to mess with a guys head. I can think of quite a few reasons why it would. But of course have no clue as to the spacific reason your hubby is having the issue. I'd slow down. Keep to more of a soft swap. you might look at it as going back to dating. I guess dating for many is the 3rd date to go all the way today. But when I dated it was many dates to get to 2nd or 3rd base. I enjoyed every part of that slow process. So maybe slow down and enjoy the process and don't plan on getting to full swap so fast. Relearn why each step is so exciting and fun.
I think with each step and talking between you two will bring a comfort level to move to the next step. A next step with the mojo working well.

dayhiker

[loverboy68]

Iowancouple,
This has happened to me w/ my wife as well .. One reason that comes to mind is he is extremely excited abt the goings on ... rather than pressuring himself to come good .. he should maybe take it easy and soft swing .. You indicated he gets hard while flirting .. perfect ! maybe he can continue to flirt / fondle and live in that moment rather than "getting it on" .. When this happened to me, I misconstrued it to be ED ... I went on viagra ! but didn't help ! So I tried the "take-it-easy" method and Boy .. was that fun ..
Has been since !
Hope this eases your mind and happy flirting ! Remember there are other "sensory" organs in the human body other than our sexual organs !

[sexyshelby]

Take a look on the board, this is quite common and nothing to worry about. Just relax and forget about it.

~SS

[lovedoctor]

Ditto to all the above.

Even though your hubby is a young man, one of the drugs for erectile dysfunction, such as Viagra, Levitra or Cialis may help. Have him ask his doctor for a sample. Young men tend to like Cialis best for some reason (maybe cuz it lasts for 3 days, heh heh ) ~ If his doc won't give him a sample, he should find another doctor. Beware of ordering it off the internet; you may not always get "the real thing."

Also, I would advise you to start using a condom when you are alone together, at least upon occasion. That way he will get used to it and the more familiar he is with the ritual, the better off he will be.

Sex is 99% mental so just try not to dwell on it and it will get better with time. Performance anxiety and loss of momentum is common, more common than most would like to admit. Hang in there!

[iowancouple96]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. We have decided that next time we play with a couple that we'll all start out together and ease our way into things. I do think a lot of it is nervousness. I at least find it positive that he was able to get hard a few times. Now we just gotta get him to keep his stiffness All in good time.

Thanks again everyone!!

[getnit2gethr]

I happen to know that drugs and alcohol can also have this effect, lol. Not that you guys were doing any of that .

[cadillacpussyhd]

First off this happens al the time. Nervousness is the main cause, plus men are brought up to think it is wrong to get hard with another man in the room and then, on top of all that the condom thing makes it worse (they are needed but mr happy does not like them) so, practice helos, and encouragement, and getting to know others you swing with so there are not the first time jitters is also a huge help. Just know it is not uncommon at all. Best to you!!!

[EvilMJ]

This is definately one of the most common problems/concerns I have seen broached since I have started visiting the board. If you do a search I bet you will pull up a lot of threads that tackle this very problem and may have some really good advice.

I can tell you this, when we first started into the lifestyle Hubby had the very same problem. It took some time to get over it as most of it was just a mental problem, he was taught that you are only supposed to have sex with your wife. The fact that he had his wife approval (or that she was in the room) just couldn't seem to get him past that block. Needless to say it took a lot of converastion and time but he did finally sort himself out and there haven't been any problems since. Just be understanding and willing to help him through what is a difficult subject for many men to talk about. I know as a woman it was easy for me to say to him that it was not a problem and he should not be concerned, but for him it effected his ego and prowess as man.

Good luck, I am sure you will find many others experiencing the very same thing.

[stoutgatte]

It's tough being a man new to the swinging world... For that reason we try to always have some Viagra/Cialis around when swinging. It happens to even the most experienced swinger guys sometimes.

Personally I like Cialis more, works like a charm, and lasts for 36 hours (more like 3 days sometimes)

But it IS a huge blow to the ego, took me a long enough time to get over it. So I have a pretty good idea what he's going through. Only thing to do is to support him plenty and he'll be ok.

[VanHlebar]

Well I posted a topic about this about a month or so ago. I can assure you it happens to alot of guys, me included. I still have this problem and haven't quite gotten around it yet, even with the help of Cialis or Viagra. It seems better with ladies I am familar with and comfortable around, but it does seem like the first time I am with a lady, forget it, we aren't going to get it up and it's just the way it goes.

I have now taken to talking with the ladies before hand and politely tell them to be aware of it, because I don't want any suprises during the first play date. All the ladies we have been with have been extremely understanding and patient, which is helpful. You just learn to please them in many other ways and I am still waiting for the evening when all goes fine for me.

Be patient and honest with your playmates and eventually it will work it's way out. I know Mrs Van and I have discussed this and we think a large part of my issues are the fact that even though she says it is ok, I still feel like I might hurt her if I have too good of at time. I know she won't be upset, but convincing my mind of that is a different story right now.

-Van

[intuition897]

I know that this happened to us when we first started. Mr. intuition was afraid he broke it or something! But once we got back to our own room, everything was 110% functional. After much discussion, it turned out he was worried about me the whole time. I was a bit apprehensive about getting sexual with other people (grew up in a very devout Christian home), and he was concerned that I would feel hurt if I saw him with another woman. When I assured him that I was really okay with it, things went fine. This is a common enough thing that no one makes a big deal of it...except the poor guy it happens to. Nobody laughs at you or purposely makes you feel bad, because chances are, it's happened to them at some point, too.

Try the Cialis or Viagra. We've never tried it, but it seems to be a favorite remedy.

[WonderWhat]

I just posted a longer message as an answer to another thread, (We finally did it; details and a few questions), so I'll quote it (with some teensy edits):

Well, I've always had "performance problems" the first time with anyone, be it girfriends in my 20-some, horny days, the first time with my first wife, with my current wife, or the first time we exhibited, swapped, or the first time with anybody else.

From informal pollstering with friends over beer, I gather that about a third of all men usually perform this way, more or less.

So, I just don't sweat it: I know that the first time will be the time to use all those tricks and acrobatics in order to give a great performance some other way, and I just laugh it off and get everyone else off, happily, with hugs and kisses all around. If I do stay hard, coming will not usually come naturally (and when that happens, the ladies are usually very happy with the outcome).

Then I go back with my wife, fuck really hard and blow myself away (she just loves my performance after a swing session ), knowing that the next time with the same people or the same situation there will be no problems at all.

[WonderWhat]

Oh, another thing: Cialis works for me, but sometimes it gives me headaches, especially when drinking alcohol. Levitra and Viagra are worse, in my experience.

What I also use sometimes is a herbal remedy (http://www.thesensualtea.com.mx/) that contains "horny goat weed": epimedium brevicornum.

Maybe it's a placebo effect, but it does get me horny, if taken with citrus juice, and avoiding greasy foods; it helps in the erection department. But... it can also give me headaches, though a lot less frequently than Cialis.