Reaction to guys who can't get an erection

[twobears]

hi guys, this is the female part of twobears, we thanks you for all the advice as you have shared yourself and experiences.

[HotMoCpl]

I thought Viagra was good, but Welbutrin is better. But only if you need an antideprssant, though my doctor said it is used to treat erectile disfunction. This is something to be discussed with your individual doctor. I DO NOT advocate otherwise. :rollseyes

[autumn528]

This one hit home. We were involved in a fmf relationship for a long time. When that ended we decided to try a swing club. There was the assumption that we would be able to fulfill our fantasies-then reality set it. The biggest mistake was trying to jump in. For some people this is not a problem, for others it's a big problem. It was a newcomers night and I wasn't the only one with the problem. Lots of disappointed faces. So anyhoo, we slowed things up in a big way. We did go back to the club and I was dosed up with Viagra-big help. Then we decided to mainly watch and play by ourselves only just to avoid performance anxiety. After that we plunged in to a "date" with another couple to gain a comfort level and learn how interact well. To get comfortable with nakedness we started going to a nude beach. Now, we're ready to try either a club or a "date" again and take it to the next level. So the short answer for me was baby steps and little blue pills...

[kevin&danielle]

Well I'm a newbie to swinging. We have had two experiences together, one mfm (first) and one three couple swap with an extra guy (second). Both times I have been unable to get an erection. The second experience, with the couples, I had even taken 100mg of Viagra (glad the extra guy was there to fill in for me). So to say the least I am very distraught and extremely worried about our next encounter. Don't have a problem outside the swinging realm and the wife has not experience any male she has been with prior to swinging that had a problem either. FYI - the other guy in our mfm had the same problem, so I didn't feel so bad that time.

[ALilOEverything]

I've had this happen with guys I've been with several times. I never took it personally but I've handled it differently with each guy. I'll tell you the situation that worked best for me. I had always liked to keep my husband in reaching distance. It allowed us to mix it up easily and not just feel like we are swapping and going to our opposite corners. When the guy couldn't get hard enough I asked if he needed a little break and would he mind if I we joined in with my husband and his wife to take a little bit of the pressure off. I never bothered his wife or my husband to have us join in and we would all end up connected in some way. That way his wife could help relax him but I would still be right there for him to touch me and come to me when he was ready. When he felt ready to go again we broke away from them and then successfully went at it.

With another guy we just gave it up because he was getting so frustrated and it was upsetting him. He was so embarrassed he just wanted to get out of the situation. I tried to tell him I was willing to try again, that it might just take a couple times but we never heard from them again. I didn't take it personally and since my husband never had a problem getting it up again soon after cumming I still got what I needed

I've never taken it personally, I thought it was a common occurence. I had wondered if it was from a guy being rushed and worried about performance. In non swinging situations all I needed to do was be patient and not rush him. Kind of like me, sometimes it takes a little longer for me to get wet enough... I never did well with quickies. For women it's an easy fix though, a little KY and we're ready to go. It hardly seems fair.

[grand_kai]

This situation has happened to me as well a few times in my life, each time it bothers me but have always had a partner that was understanding with the exception of the first time it happened. After the first time it happened my girlfriend broke up with me and would not discuss it with me. All the others were sympathetic and tried to calm me down but because of what happened the first time the more they tried to calm me down the worse I felt and it would not happen at all. I was told many times it is all in the mind. But what I could understand is that these women all excited me and I wanted them badly. Since this did not happen to often I was not worried about it much although my point of it is that it happened to me out of a swinging environment.

I read in an article that this disfunction can be caused by riding a bicycle extensively as I had ridden a bike for 40+ miles a day for more than 10 years I suspected this was the problem. I discussed this with several doctors and each quickly said take viagra. At $100.00 for a 100mg tablet I thought it might be worth it so I tried several times but even when I did take it I still would not become erect on that rare occasion. Finally I went to a doctor that listened more to what I had to say. The major problem I was having was not necessarily the rare occurance of not becoming erect but when I did become erect it lasted between 6 and 12 hours of constant intercourse to achieve climax.

I have heard that women love it for long periods of time but have found out that they do not like it constantly and feel that if I do not climax then they have not satisfied me. After going to urologists, nuerologists and various specialists I was told that it is my thyroid being low. I do not know how true this is because nothing has worked yet (CT scans, MRI and ultrasound tests) so I will try it.

Hope I did not ramble or get off topic to much but just wanted to say it has happened both in a swing and non swing situations for me.

[mikegail]

This is a very interesting topic.

I often have this issue and as I have grown older I find that the little blue pill is less and less effective. There are other meds that help somewhat but not always. With most of the couples we have been with, the woman partner says it’s not an issue, that there are many things that are fun that don't include a hard penis. I have been told that I am skillful with mouth and fingers LOL one woman even suggested I give lessons. Be that as it may, I try very hard to be sure that my partner is happy or even glad they met us. The issue comes to a head, so to speak, after a period of time. Most of the couples, with only two exceptions, have drifted away from us and as much as we understand that relationships change and people move on, its nevertheless difficult not to assume that a couple moves on because the woman in the pair wants a skillful man who can also get it up.

I have heard it said that often swinging for a woman is as much about reaffirming her sexiness as it is a search for the big O. And that woman, almost unconsciously, equate their own sexuality with the ability to arouse a man in the most obvious way, a nice hard long lasting erection. Hence the desire to move on to couples where the man can in fact provide that easy to see evidence of her desirability.

Because of this, would it be better for a couple, or maybe just the male part of a couple, to get out of swinging if he can't get it up most of the time. I would like to hear thoughts on this issue.

[biblonde]

Interesting topic. I havent read all the replies but thought I would post anyway. For the first two years we were in this lifestyle, almost every guy we were with had a problem. I didnt take it personally but it wasnt much fun either. But I found other things to do to entertain myself! I have found that alot of times the first time we play with a couple I exspect it to happen so when it doesnt I am really really happy and if it does then I am not let down. Luckily my hubby hasnt had this problem yet so he keeps me pretty happy if the other guy has a problem. I do notice that the guys seem to get more upset over it (I guess it is the ego thing) which usually makes it worse. Advice to the men...if it happens just relax and find something else to do for a bit....usually that helps it "work". if you try to make it work it wont! Believe me there is alot of fun things to do while you are waiting! he he he

[macallan_neat]

Cos (Mrs mac_neat) and I call this "loyal dick syndrome".

And it is *very* common.

Thought I'd offer the guy's perspective, and what's worked for me ...

When it's happened to me, I've found that if I just go back to foreplay -- get completely involved in an activity that feels really good -- eventually, Mr. Happy gets a clue and wants to join the party.

What's key is that my attention must be so immersed in what I'm experiencing with my partner that I simply forget about the phallic flat. I do what feels really good (passionate kissing and wandering hands are my personal favorite). It can take time, but eventually I stop thinking about my mutinous member. It's usually then when it starts doing what it was designed to do.

Go figure.

Also, keeping the drinking to a minimum, and starting earlier in the evening helps (my body is better adjusted to vanilla life than it is to the hours we keep in the lifestyle).

Mac

[Roman Hands]

I don't have any "in the moment" suggestions for the guys. But this subject does bring to point the relationship between good sex and good health.

The better you take care of yourself, mentally and physically, the better your sex life will be. Men, on average, live shorter and less healthy lives than women. Why???

Quit smoking, lose some weight, exercise, take some time away from work and quit eating donuts with beer chasers. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish without the "blue pill" crap.

Personally, on "big" nights I like to hit the gym hard in the afternoon, and then fuel up on fresh, wild salmon. Follow up with a short nap (my Italian heritage demands it). A COLD shower to wake up the senses and I'm good for hours of "activity". And at 49, I'll match my "engine" and "throttle control" against any 30 year old!

Guys, the least we should do is treat our body as well as our last new car!

[Amanda69]

I have had it happen with partners several times, I don't take it personally and I don't make a big deal of it. I often suggest that oral sex is what gets me off anyway so if he wants to provide me pleasure lets 69....most guys enjoy that and sometimes part way through he is hard again anyway.

I have also had partners with the "loyal dick" syndrome, as long as it was me near them at the party they were hard, once I moved away or they tried to go off with another female they had problems. This was easily solved by doing fmf that way with me there they ususally stayed hard.

[captainbob]

This is a good topic. I don't have alot of experience with swinging, but being 50 now, I have some experience with limp dick! This is one of my fears about swinging: performance anxiety!
I think Roman Hands has the best advice. I dropped 30 pounds last year and felt like superman! Maybe I should do that again?
My sweetie likes a lot of Smirnoff Ice and pot. I'll just drink ginger ale and pop a ginseng and multivitamin.
Fish is really good and is soo light and easy to digest, compared to steak.
With any luck, I'd have the sex I want even after working 10 hours and driving 3.5 hours on the motorcycle to get home from Toronto!

[Pepper & Drew]

Oh, I usually jeer, point and laugh loudly

Ok, I'm kidding. It's not a big deal. When we first started in the lifestyle, we had a few experiences where my playmate had some trouble. After a while, I started to wonder if it was me. But, now I realize that the mind is the most powerful sexual organ. Not focusing on it seems to work the best. If Drew is having a problem, if I go back to him, it seems to do the trick. The biggest thing is for nobody to panic.

Pepper

[Concupiscence]

If the gentleman that I was with was a jump refusal (Army airborne term) then I would go to the full body massage with lots of tongue action and kissing. If he didn't want to do that, I would suggest that we (if we were at the house) go down to the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot and make chocolate chip cookies. If I liked the guy enough to have sex with him that means I like his company not just his dick. The hubby can keep the other wife entertained while I and the gent get better acquainted. If all goes well then he'll have me bent over the bowl of cookie dough!

[good times]

Originally Posted by Concupiscence

If he didn't want to do that, I would suggest that we (if we were at the house) go down to the kitchen and fire up the coffee pot and make chocolate chip cookies. If I liked the guy enough to have sex with him that means I like his company not just his dick. The hubby can keep the other wife entertained while I and the gent get better acquainted. If all goes well then he'll have me bent over the bowl of cookie dough!

Surprisingly, I think that would probably work pretty good. When we first started swinging I used to experience the problem of not rising to the occasion on demand every once in a while. It usually happened when I was with someone new for the first time. One time when this happened the women I was with and I just stopped and kicked back talking about unrelated things and the subject of weight came up (I know, dangerous topic). She mentioned how much she weighed and I said that it couldn't be right. Next thing we know we are weighing ourselves on her scale to see if the scale confirmed what she said. Turns out it did but it also said that I weighed about 15 pounds more than any other scale says that I weigh. Anyway, while doing all this weighing something strange happened, I got a major woody. Needless to say we adjorned back to the bed and a "Good Time" was had by all.