Erection problems, emotional issues, help!

[SnozzberryBlu]

Hello everyone

I apologize ahead of time for this post being as long as I know it is going to be. But I need you guys' help so anything you can offer I would SOOO appreciate!

My husband is the most awesome wonderful lover. We have had a good marriage (14 years). I am very bi, and it is because of me that we have gotten into swinging.

Ten years ago we had four terrible experiences on our first try at this, so we stopped. He was also having a hard time with it because of several issues, including a) his strict upbringing which affected how he was taught to view sex b) feeling left out, because he is not aggressive (though he doesn't sit in the corner either); and c) jealousy issues. In each of the four situations, he could not get, or maintain an erection. Because it didn't work, I did my damndest to push my feelings/attractions towards women out of my head. I did so good I thought I was "cured".

I do want to add this... Hubby has long said he is completely happy with me and has no interest in other women (he wouldn't even look at them!). Unlike many guys I have known, enticing him with the idea of watching two women or being with another woman, well was just not enticing to him. He was more than happy with just us.

Flash forward... as I posted here about a month or so ago, a we-got-too-drunk-and-ended-up-in-the-hottub situation with some really good friends happened in October. He thought he would be ok, but when we got home he was really hurt by how it all evolved. This time he was REALLY left out, though I tried to be as attentive to him as I could with all the stuff going on. And again, he could not get an erection. Unfortunately for me, my bisexuality came back full force, and I was in my own jam with my feelings. So, after talking about it and me telling him about how I view this as "play" and not the same as the two of us... he agreed to rethink things, and I agreed to wait patiently.

Two weeks ago, while casually discussing all this I showed him the Swing Lifestyle site. I had to leave the room, and when I came back to my surprise he had signed us up for a membership. Not only that, he browsed through the ads a good 3 hours, and encouraged me to contact some of the couples. Well we had a good long talk then and he said that he had somehow gotten the idea out of his head about this being a "bad" thing, ie his growing up.. .and that he was now definitely interested in being with another woman. We found a great couple, (we are wanting a long term thing) and things just seemed to click from the start... long phone conversations, meeting for a quick dinner just to see each other, and then our first "date" last night. Over the past week of this evolving he has been more interested, and we have had hotter sex, than ever before. I was really gearing up too.. as she is quite a special person, and very sexy to me on many levels. He was definitely attracted to her as well, and felt comfortable with her husband.

So... last night we go out to dinner... then decide ok this is the night and head to the hotel. We drink, watch a little tv, light candles, and are all getting along well. Then she and I started... o wow... then the guys got into bed with us... He was definitely interested, and comfortable enough to be more assertive... but.. no erection. About two hours in I remembered I had some levitra in my purse and he took that. About 30 minutes later I think it helped and he was able to get going somewhat.. but even with that, once she and hubby took a break it was all over again.

So... we left last night on two different planes... me so very content and just overall excited about the whole thing... and he embarassed, again feeling left out (not because of them, but because of not being able to participate more)... and with feeling left out a little jealousy. The jealousy part was more about my total enjoyment, and he getting just about nothing from the whole experience... as well as feeling like the other two were really doing a lot for me, and he couldn't do much of anything for anyone.

So.... Now what do we do? We cannot afford levitra on a regular basis (and I am not sure as to how well it really worked anyway)... and he really does seem to want this to work this time, for him and for me. Not to mention the whole bisexual side which if I have to put away again I feel like is just going to kill me. I don't want to be selfish in this.. just don't know what to do on that end. I know if he could just get that awesome erection of his going, he would be fine (he really does like her). And, this couple really seems to be so wonderful... such great people and friends to be I think. It's like this is so much here to lose over a small problem of mechanics ...

Help??? Guys... happened to you? What do you do? What can the other couple and I do to make this work for him?

Thanks for any input...

[Alura]

You are dealing with a very common problem, Snozzberryblu! I have no idea what causes it but a man who has no problem staying "up" a long time with his wife has a problem with another woman. Fortunately, it seems to abate with experience.

When we go on a play date, I take along a Viagra for me and one for the other guy as well. Take it about half-an-hour before play starts. If it turns out to be one of the times your husband doesn't need it, well, it's nice to be a "superman" for awhile.

Tell your husband to relax and be assured this problem has been experienced by most swinging men.

By the way, alcohol does not help.

Mr. Alura

[CowboyBob]

frankly, if your husband HAD gotten an erection without assistance, I'd have been surprised. All those stories about fantastic first times seem like the stuff of those letters to magazines that begin,"I never thought those stories in your magazine were true, but..."

Sounds like there're some issues to work out, here. I'd say the thing to do would be to get back into the saddle and just keep trying until he relaxes and gets over his nervousness. he needs lots of support from the rest of you to let him know there's no pressure.

In the meantime, if the little blue pills work, take them. I know they're pretty expensive, but I was able to talk my doctor into giving me a few free samples which I hoard for special occasions.

[northindycpl]

Advice From Mrs. Indy....

As a women, it wouldn't bother me in the least if Mr. Indy didn't have an erection form the first time at play. I, too, sometimes have difficulty getting aroused in unknown situations. I think the arousal issue is a much bigger deal to men than to women, though.

We have never tried any kind of medication for arousal, but I know some do use it. However, the thing that work for us (as a couple when we need mutual arousal) Is to think of what arouses us in the first place. I have spent a lot of time communicating with Mr. Indy about what turns him on. Knowing what turns him on, then I can behave in a way to entice him, in situations that I am interested in. Just knowing that we are on the same page, always relieves the pressure.

In our instances, it is mostly me that has arousal issues. I get nervous in unknown situations, which causes me to get slightly uptight. And liquer is not the answer. When I am not aroused, I am not 'wet' which makes sex painful, or makes Mr. Indy not as excited. Just knowing that we have all the time in the world, and have no pressure is fantastic. Even if I don't get wet I still always have a great time!

Communication, relaxation, and exploration are our keys to success!

[Vespertine]

As the others have stated, it's quite normal for a man to have a hard time getting 'up' or staying 'up'. In my husband's case, he had a difficult time maintaining an erection in the presence of another man. When we were with just a woman, he was rock hard. Factor another man in the scenario and...well, his penis had attention deficit disorder.

I'm not sure how you feel about swapping in a different room, but that might help. Maybe your husband would feel a bit more secure if he wasn't around you (no jealous thoughts, no guilty feelings) and he had the full attention to one woman. You could begin light play with all four people. Put on a show with the other bi-woman for your husbands, have some light play and then split off into pairs in different rooms.

I'm not sure if ya'll are comfortable with this, but it might be something to consider.

And too, perhaps time and comfort will solve his mechanical problem. As he gets to know the other couple on a more intimate level, things will naturally work out.

[intuition897]

I agree with Vespertine. Mr. intuition had some difficulty the first time out. Luckily we were with another couple who had enough experience to be relaxed about the whole thing. Apparently he (other couple's husband) had the same problem himself. We'd taken a long break after that first experience, and then only soft swing thereafter. Turns out for us the problem was just his concern that this was really ok with me; he didn't want me to be hurt by his being with another woman (initially was a big problem when we first started out). After he was (not just reassured, but) encouraged to go ahead and have fun, problem solved. His advice to other couples' husbands who experience the same 'stage fright' is to just "relax and be horny."

SnozzberryBlu, it sounds to me like Mr. Snozz's problem arises from some lack of self-esteem, or some level of insecurity about his sexual equipment or prowess. As was suggested, this often goes away on it's own, but he needs to feel some success I think. Go for low pressure situations, and if you're comfortable maybe give separate rooms a try (we have and we find that it cuts down on the level of overstimulation which is often a problem). Maybe see if fewer people (3some) might help. And this might seem a little radical, but maybe even consider allowing him a 'separate date' situation. Still perfectly ok, but may seem less like actual swinging and more like simple sex-with-a-stranger. I'm just brainstorming here, so some of these may not be good suggestions for you. Hope it works out for you guys!

[intuition897]

yeesh - my last post wan't one of my best. Sorry if it sounds kinda judgmental. Didn't mean to.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by intuition897

yeesh - my last post wan't one of my best. Sorry if it sounds kinda judgmental. Didn't mean to.

No it didn't.

Lovely advice.

[SexhoundDog]

Here's an idea you might try. Have Mr. Snozz go see his doctor and get a free Viagra sample, I think it comes 3 50MG tablets to a sample box. I'd advise taking one about an hour before you go to play with these folks, preferably on a not so full stomach. It makes a big difference with me if my stomach is closer to empty, much better performance. It supposedly lasts about 4 hours, so you don't have to jump in the sack right away.

I don't know how the other woman's hubby would view this, if he'd feel the need to watch or would leave the room for awhile. But, perhaps if you and the other lady do a FMF type thing with your hubby before you engage in bi-play, he damn sure won't feel left out! facelick Or at least have him get all this attention from you two ladies before the other guy comes back in, and then you can couple swap while you ladies can still play with each other to some degree.

I've heard different things about the other hard-on enhancers, but from folks I talk to, Viagra is still king as far as good hard wood. Depending on age, physical condition, etc. you may not have as many repeat bouts in the night, but you should get at least a couple of good action packed sessions.

[SnozzberryBlu]

Thanks so much all of you for being so supportive! And, Intuition, you were not judgemental at all. Everyone has been great.

Hubby has felt a lot better hearing from you all (and not just me) that this is a common problem for beginners. That much I knew, just didn't know much more. I don't think pairing off would be acceptable to either of the guys in this situation, but I am going to see about getting more samples of levitra or viagara.

I think the overstimulation, plus just not knowing exactly what to expect (since all our other experiences were so bad) played a big part. I have a few ideas, plus the suggested FMF that might help. The other husband has already called today to check on us, make sure we are ok, etc. And that helped hubby some too. When I talked to him I asked him about letting his wife and I do the FMF, and he was more than ok with that. So... now we have something new to plan for. Not to mention hubby pipes up and says "hmmm sounds like they had a good time, guess they are going to want to get together again soon, seeing as how our relationship together is still all new and everything." ... so hehe he is still interested, and I don't think at all hurt like he had been in the past. He does keep saying just how different these two people are .. and how much he likes that.

One question tho... alcohol... now, in our experiences together, alcohol has always been an enhancer, never the opposite. In fact, the major side effect for him is a nearly permanent hardon... takes forever for him to come. I know this is quite different from many other's experiences, so my thoughts were that he would actually have a few drinks before we even left the house (it takes a LOT for him to get buzzed).

So... here is the question... if this works for us when we are alone, is there any reason it wouldn't with another couple? Any thoughts on that out there?

Thanks again everyone, so much!

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by intuition897

it sounds to me like Mr. Snozz's problem arises from some lack of self-esteem, or some level of insecurity about his sexual equipment or prowess.

I would be willing to be that in most cases, it is nervousness and not insecurity or lack of self-esteem that is the culprit. The first swing experience is very nerve-racking for both the male and the female...the male just happens to have an appendage that makes the nervousness visible to all!

Many questions race through a man's mind the first time: is this going to be my one and only shot at swinging? are we making a mistake? will this hurt our marriage? are we going to catch an STD? is this woman only here because her husband wanted to be here? did I leave the stove on?

And while the moans and groans going on all around can be exciting, the other sounds (others talking, dogs barking, etc) can be very distracting...leading to a half-staff situation.

Finally, some women take it as a personal insult if they don't see a rock-hard erection the minute love-making begins...which can put even more stress on the situation. I can assure you, ladies, that it probably has nothing to do with your attractiveness! Actually, your magnificent beauty itself may be making him nervous!

One thing I have not read on this site before: the more days I go without sex, the easier I get an erection. This is especially noticable after 2 or 3 days, but after a week (it happens!) I get hard at the drop of a hat. I guess I'm trying to say you may think about doing without sex for awhile before you swing next time.

As everyone has said, this is a very common situation and you have many avenues available to you: separate rooms may work to reduce distractions, mood music may also help reduce distractions, the pill triplets (V, cialis, levitra) can lend assistance, and a few day's abstinance could help. But probably the thing that will finally end up taking care of it for good is just experience...

Take care,

Jim.

[BradAndJanet]

SnozzberryBlu, I think that considering his initial feelings and upbringing that he's doing fantastically well! Just look at how far he's come from there.

If you're both willing to continue, I think that future experiences, especially with the same people, will only get better because he'll be more relaxed the next time.

People tend to think that the male sexual response is fairly simple. In reality, it's pretty complex and it takes the right combination of arousal and relaxation to make things work properly.

Best of luck and happy swinging!

-B

[CB_n_Red]

Originally Posted by CowboyBob

frankly, if your husband HAD gotten an erection without assistance, I'd have been surprised. All those stories about fantastic first times seem like the stuff of those letters to magazines that begin,"I never thought those stories in your magazine were true, but..."

Guess I'd better just say nothing to this one

Not that our first time with another couple was perfect by any means, but it was a huge relief for me that I had no problems in that department.

So.... It can work like that.

CB

[CB_n_Red]

Originally Posted by SnozzberryBlu

One question tho... alcohol... now, in our experiences together, alcohol has always been an enhancer, never the opposite. In fact, the major side effect for him is a nearly permanent hardon... takes forever for him to come. I know this is quite different from many other's experiences, so my thoughts were that he would actually have a few drinks before we even left the house (it takes a LOT for him to get buzzed).

It works like that for me, alcohol in moderation definitely helps but it also causes me the same problem "getting there". The difficulty coming can be a problem for some partners. Fortunately for us it isn't a problem for the female half of the couple we usually play with. She is very understanding of that, and takes full advantage of the other

Originally Posted by SnozzberryBlu

So... here is the question... if this works for us when we are alone, is there any reason it wouldn't with another couple? Any thoughts on that out there?

No reason why it shouldn't work in a similar fashion, assuming no other issues. After all, alcohol is (medically) a depressant. This includes depressing (= lowering) inhibitions, which may be part of the cause of the problem. It shouldn't hurt to try anyway, though I wouldn't recommend overdoing the booze!

CB

[Denver2some]

Originally Posted by SnozzberryBlu

One question tho... alcohol... now, in our experiences together, alcohol has always been an enhancer, never the opposite. In fact, the major side effect for him is a nearly permanent hardon... takes forever for him to come. I know this is quite different from many other's experiences, so my thoughts were that he would actually have a few drinks before we even left the house (it takes a LOT for him to get buzzed).

So... here is the question... if this works for us when we are alone, is there any reason it wouldn't with another couple? Any thoughts on that out there?

Alcohol will probably have the same effect either way. From what you've said above, alcohol probably isn't the culprit here. I'd agree with the others and say it's being nervous in a new environment. Many report taking Viagra a few times gets them over the "hump" ... and then they no longer need the extra insurance. Or, if he is leery of taking Viagra again, you could try swapping back temporarily so your husband can get a "jumpstart" from you (sometimes it just takes the special touch of your spouse.)

I wouldn't recommend more than a couple of drinks overall. If alcohol makes it "forever" for your husband to come that may not be a good thing. It can throw the swap off-balance if he goes on forever (not to mention causing the other woman to feel sore.) Surrender

Also, alcohol in excess can impair motor skills, communication skills, judgment, ... and memory afterwards. All of which are very good to have in top form for swinging.